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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Guardians of Mayfair - Babz WOL script Moderators: bert
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  Author    Guardians of Mayfair - Babz WOL script  (currently 3230 views)
Don
Posted: August 11th, 2010, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Guardians of Mayfair by Ray Whitter - Short, Drama - Great friendships amongst a small town's residents persevere against life's foes, both great and small. 9 pages  A WOL script - pdf, format


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Angry Bear
Posted: August 11th, 2010, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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I hate to be a pain in the rear, but I have to be honest too.

I had a hard time getting through page 1... That's sort of bad when it's just a 9 pager. It was way too descriptive IMHO and didn't grab me.

Chunky paragraphs like that make people groan when they open the script. Try to tighten the action paragraphs and break them up. White is a beautiful color in a script.


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grademan
Posted: August 11th, 2010, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ray!

This was an interesting take on the assignment. Use of the lyrics - as well lyrics - was kinda cool. The descriptive writing was too descriptive - esp in the beginning. Blocky.

Gary
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RayW
Posted: August 11th, 2010, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
I hate to be a pain in the rear, but I have to be honest too... Try to tighten the action paragraphs and break them up. White is a beautiful color in a script.



Quoted from grademan
The descriptive writing was too descriptive - esp in the beginning. Blocky.


Thank you, Pia
Thank you, Gary

No pains.
If it's too chunky and block then... it's too chunky and block.
You guys ARE the eyes.

I'm a visual guy, too much director I'll hazard. I know being too descriptive is going to be a weak spot for me.
This is what I need to know.

Thank you for the read and more importantly the useful feed back.
(GOLD, BABY! It's GOLD!)

Ray

Addendum: (rather than add a new post) Thanks, Pia. Pool & bed is what we did tonight. Kidz went to sleep in 2.5 secs.




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
RayW  -  August 11th, 2010, 11:36pm
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Angry Bear
Posted: August 11th, 2010, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't know you wrote it since there was no boardname attached.

You've been a good help here at SS so I will read it tomorrow and try to give you some better comments.

Right now, I'm fixing to hop in the pool then head to bed.  


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sniper
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 3:57am Report to Moderator
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Whoa. Tough read. Lost interest on page two. Couldn't finish it. Don't like to put scripts down but this one did not reel me in. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load

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sniper  -  August 12th, 2010, 4:31am
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n7
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 4:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey,
I know this was written quickly for the whole Babz thing, here are my thoughts on it.
Gave it a second through to see if maybe I missed something the first time, it was really hard to follow even during the second read. Most of the dialogue read really well though.

I get what you're trying to do with your descriptions like in the ones below:
"Gravel parking lot is overflowing onto adjacent streets. ",
"Live  band plays Joan Jett’s "I Love Rock and Roll"."
but I don't think that style fits the type of story you have here. Maybe they would be better suited in a full blown action script, but here they only read awkwardly.

Using simply scripts members names for your character names come off a bit forced, and a little desperate for attention and approval.

The notes after the ending were a first as well.
Also, not the most commercial thing I've ever read.
Good luck with the next one
Nate
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RayW
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 7:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from sniper
Whoa. Tough read. Lost interest on page two. Couldn't finish it... Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.



Quoted from n7
I know this was written quickly... it was really hard to follow even during the second read. Most of the dialogue read really well though.
I get what you're trying to do...  but I don't think that style fits the type of story you have here. Maybe they would be better suited in a full blown action script, but here they only read awkwardly.

Using simply scripts members names for your character names come off a bit forced, and a little desperate for attention and approval.

The notes after the ending were a first as well.


Thank you, Rob
Thank you, Nate, especially for pounding through this a second time.

If it's unfinishable, knowing it's only eight pages, then THAT's plenty of help.
I'm killing you guys with  data choke.
Elsewhere I've seen it described as "too novely".

Nate -
(chuckling) Nah. I think it's because I spent TOO MUCH time on it that I just kept going back and sticking a little bit more in it - then - a LITTLE more!
Quick N dirty seems to be my future goal.
Thank you for the useful dialog remark.
Full blown action script - Yep. Sans action. HA!
Not appropriate for the given task. Gotcha. Got it. Will do better next go round.

>> Members names... come off a bit forced, and a little desperate for attention and approval <<
THAT was meant tongue in cheek. A joke.
Sincerely goofy rather than desperate.
BECAUSE it was so in the face it couldn't have been meant seriously (and this was an exercise, so I thought of them as being arbitrary).
However, if it failed - then it failed. I failed.

Thank you, again.

Ray




Revision History (1 edits)
RayW  -  August 12th, 2010, 7:40am
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Shelton
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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I saw the comments about the descriptions already, so I won't go any more into those.

I think it was an interesting take on things, weaving the lyrics into the story then actually using them, but I think the weaving aspect in the beginning could have been a little more clear.  It seemed more shrouded than it needed to be.

I also couldn't quite figure out if Moon wrote the song, or if everything being parallel was just a coincidence.  I think it'd be cooler if it were the former.


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RayW
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Shelton
I also couldn't quite figure out if Moon wrote the song, or if everything being parallel was just a coincidence.  I think it'd be cooler if it were the former.


Howdy, Mike

Intended as coincidence.
Chess pieces that have no linear connection as they appear but all work together at the conclusion.



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screenrider
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Ray,

The good news is you've definitely got an imagination.   The bad news is it's running wild.    

Welcome to the club.


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RayW  -  August 12th, 2010, 11:33am
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Coding Herman
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Hi Ray,

You're a great help on SS, so this is my repayment.

Unfortunately, I'm only on page 5 before I finally give up. I'll try to finish it if I get the chance. The problem is I didn't get what your story is about. Too many random characters popping in and out: Mr. Fook, Mrs. Anne, Jim...and where is Mr. Chaney after you introduced him on page 1?

Right now, it reads very episodic, like different events of different characters stitched together.

I hope you can explain what your intention is so we can help find ways to make the script works.


Herman


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RayW
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Coding Herman
Too many random characters popping in and out: Mr. Fook, Mrs. Anne, Jim...and where is Mr. Chaney after you introduced him on page 1?

Right now, it reads very episodic, like different events of different characters stitched together.


Howdy, Herman

The character Don is just trying to get down the town square sidewalk to get to his doctor's appointment as everybody slows him down for help.
Help me. Help me. Help me.
Don can't get his own business done for helping everyone else.

Mr Chaney and boyfriend were going the opposite direction on the way to lunch.

When I was a kid there was this kooky little old lady that the whole town knew. She'd always wear this funny, brown, horse jockey outfit and push a cart up and down the sidewalk in front of the shops.

As an adult I'm living in another city. Here, there's this middle aged guy wearing a clean white T-shirt and baggy blue jeans, clean cut hair. He walks miles and miles and can be seen all over town. You can tell the guy has mental health issues, but he's clean, he's shaved, his hair is cut. I dunno. All we know is his name is John. So we've dubbed him "Walking John".

I figure most towns have their "village idiot" or odd fellow that is fairly benign and generally accepted. Mayberry has Otis. We have "Walking John".

That'd be the CHANEYs in this story.



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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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This was a tough read. I think your biggest problem is clarity. I just kept getting lost and having to read over earlier parts. It took me a long time to just get through 5 pages. It was a chore.

Regarding the descriptions, I also found them too much. Sometimes it’s just being overly specific. Other times, I think you infer when you need to be more specific. Your word choices are good. Your basic style is good. Your voice is good. You just need to tighten it up and economize. Concentrate more on clarity and flow.

On a technical note, hearing the bar patrons singing while we’re outside the bar would be a voiceover.

Regarding the story, it flowed much better once they were at the bar. A lot of scripts are dense during the setup and then sort of break out in the second act. When I revise scripts, I always examine the flow of the second and third acts and then use that as a meter when I revise the first act. The object is to have the same pace throughout the whole script. The first act is always dense because of all the setup. I always look for things in act one that can be accomplished in act two. That allows me to lighten up act one and make it flow better. It also solidifies act two and gives it a greater sense of progression.

I know this is a short but it would be better for you to expand it and have a clearer, more free flowing script than to stuff it all into a congested block.

Just some thoughts. Good luck.


Breanne


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Angry Bear
Posted: August 12th, 2010, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, read this one.

First off, I didn't think it was horrible or anything. Just a tad confusing in the beginning, but I've read many many confusing scripts here over the years so don't feel like you're the only one.

The story itself was actually pretty good. It was your telling of it that didn't really work. At least not for me.

Descriptions have already been mentioned and I think you have realized what needs to be done there. If you want example of descriptive beautiful writing that works, I suggest you checkout scripts by Mr. Z. He writes beautifully and paints great visuals without the writing slowing the story dow. If you can't write like that then it's better to be as brief as possible.

I also felt that you had way too many characters for a 9 page script. You can have them in there, but they don't all need to talk. In other words they don't need introductions. We can't remember 10 people introduced at once. See if there are some characters that you can either cut out or just have as background characters.

Hope any of this was helpful.

Pia  


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