SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 19th, 2019, 6:01am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Get a Clue - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Get a Clue - OWC  (currently 2462 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 12:08am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13206
Posts Per Day
1.95
Get a Clue by Chris Bodily - Short, Murder Mystery, Suspense, Comedy - A family's patriarch is murdered during a game of Clue(do). Was it Colonel Mustard? Professor Plum? Mr. Green? Or perhaps Miss Scarlet? - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:38pm
Logged
Site Private Message
AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:11am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
3018
Posts Per Day
1.43
Here we go with my first read of this OWC...

This is one of those scripts that work best/only within the context of the OWC, with some of the funniest references relating to specific things in the thread/past OWCs... but...

I quite liked it, funny in places with a good pace to it.

There's a couple of 'errors' which are probably due to getting it submitted in time, namely, there's a dice roll called out on page 5 as a 4 but then the token moves 6 (unless they're cheating) and Kyle says he's going to play Halo but Kate says 'He wont be that long', which implies he doesn't go play, so wouldn't be prime suspect.

The Han line made me laugh out loud!

Good effort.  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
cbead
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:03am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/

Location
Sunny Coast. Qld. Australia
Posts
137
Posts Per Day
0.10
Being a newbie I haven't studied previous OWC so may have missed a couple of the references suggested by Anthony.

I enjoyed the script, a little bit cheesy.

Had good pace and flow, was easy to read and visualise. Nice.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 23
LC
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:25am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3600
Posts Per Day
0.90
Nice script with a little bit of a familiar, if convenient ending. Writer has a definite flair for dialogue of a certain type I.e., teen-speak.  Enjoyable, but not too out of the box. Yep, a little board game pun there.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
pale yellow
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 7:36am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Jacksonville FL
Posts
2143
Posts Per Day
0.76
Love the title and love the logline. Can almost tell this is going to be a punchy/fun sort of read. (hope)

The two names starting with "K" kept me busy at first. Try to at least use different letters for names if you are going to put four characters into the first few paragraphs of a script. I'm a lazy reader, sorry.

Felt talky through page two but them you inject mystery with the game pieces ie footsteps outside. Good job!

Then we get super cheese...with the dead body and would any kid ever roll their father out of the way to keep playing? Unless it was to save the rest of them. I really like this concept but feel like it needs some work at this point (pg7-

Done now and still really love this concept, but think you need to maybe do more of the mystery and less talking through the first part maybe...give us more of a great thing

Great job, writer.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 23
irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 8:55am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1673
Posts Per Day
0.49
A pretty decent script.

A lot of eye rolling from Kyle at the start and it's good to see a 13 year old know a an obscure Beatles song

I like that Dad was murdered and everyone played around added to the non seriousness of the script.
A nice little if predictable comedy

good job


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
StevenClark
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 9:00am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1875
Posts Per Day
0.78
Writer,

Pretty good. I liked this. It read quick, and I liked the dialogue -- yes, I have a clue as to who wrote this based on the dialogue. Anyway, it was fun and didn't take itself too seriously. The writing was pretty clean, and the story wasted no time in getting to it. Only thing was it tied up in a neat little bow. A little too neat. However, it was in keeping with the quirkiness of the story so I didn't mind all that much.

Overall, good job!

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 23
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 10:04am Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
849
Posts Per Day
0.33
Good read, with everything going on it wasn't hard to understand. Chuckled a few times.

I was waiting for Colonel Mustard to say something, but he kinda just got sucked away as fast as he was introduced. It was cool to see Eugene pull through, but it still didn't feel resolved. Good job, could be better.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
Stumpzian
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 11:01am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
North Carolina
Posts
681
Posts Per Day
0.36
Spoilers:
Seems like a variation of "it was all a dream."

They keep playing after Dad dies (and falls on the board)? I guess so if this is filmed as black comedy.

What is it about the footsteps that makes them "ominous"? And I think of footsteps as a sound, not a visual.

When I read about the tokens lighting up I figured this must be a new electronic version of the game. Not until far into the script does somebody remark on the strangeness of it. Seems as if somebody would have said something earlier.

I had to Google the Clue (do) designation. I'm an American so didn't know. I believe it should be written as Cluedo. Sticking with Clue, as you sometimes did, would be better.




Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
Hunter
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
WA, USA
Posts
132
Posts Per Day
0.10
The biggest problems I had were with Kyle after Eugene "died". His reaction doesn't seem believable, and he literally just pushed the corpse aside.

Also, Kate is the adult here, but she is oddly quiet. Most parents would either freak out or try to control the whole situation or calm the kids down.

I did not understand what was going on on the last two pages. This may have been due to the fact that I read this last night before going to bed, but I don't know. Also, I was thinking that Scarlett would be important, because you mentioned that she was the last one placed on the table.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 23
eldave1
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4835
Posts Per Day
2.62
This is too slow paced in the beginning. Not sure that all the debate about which game moves the story forward or is really necessary/


Quoted Text
KYLE
Clinton was still President.


Not sure this line works. Kyle is 15. Clinton was President 16 years ago - seems like an odd reference for him to drop.


Quoted Text
Eugene takes the game out of the box and starts to set it up
on the coffee table. An ominous crimson light flashes across
the board


There is no reaction from the characters when this light flashes. Wouldn't they have at least been surprised by it?


Quoted Text
KYLE
It was Colonel Mustard in the
bathroom with the plunger--


A clever line - but really? Is this going to be the son's reaction to seeing his Dad dead?

The subsequent Maddie dialogue has the same problem - her Dad is dead! Why is she so flippant it about it? Where is the reaction from the wife?


Quoted Text
KYLE
Did anyone else notice something
strange about the board? Or the
tokens? Did anyone else see them
light up and shit?


This is now a bridge too far for me - so Kyle did see the pieces light up and said nothing at the time????

I'm out here. I just found a huge gap between the events (footsteps, mysterious lights, murder) and the dialogue that followed.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 23
Abe from LA
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Downey, California
Posts
474
Posts Per Day
0.10
This one didnít work for me. Maybe if I knew something about the game of Clue.
There was a lot of talk, but that didnít bother me as much as trying to get a handle on what was real and what was cheese. The Eugene death scene and the familyís reactions is a prime example ó I was left spinning in space. I tried to visualize this and the ending.  Sorry, I gave up piecing the clues together. I guess itís just me.
Thanks for playing.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:52am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1246
Posts Per Day
0.78
Best one that I have read yet.

It was pretty well written, funny, scary.

Some stuff I wish:

Less time on the kids fighting, more on why no one gets out of the house when dad shows up dead...  I mean, if my family member comes down the stairs dead (You know what I mean), I'm not gonna think the game came to life, I'm gonna think there's a psycho in the house.

I got the Jamanji reference and I loved your name.  How the kids knew about that was beyond me...

7.5/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 23
Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


where's my simply scripts thong?

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2527
Posts Per Day
0.86
Get a clue

Logline - I really like this simple idea, let's hope the script doesn't disappoint....I haven't read any other comments....

Oh tell me it was the candlestick....sorry, just a tad excited....let's see...

Beetles song - do you have to??

Oh, I'm not sure. I like the premise, and the delivery isn't bad, but hell, that's a lot to pull off. Does it work, not sure. I think this was a bit ambitious for this size, it needed to be narrowed down.

Clean writing, and I followed it as it went.

Thinking about it I just imagined them all walking around the house looking for clues like one big posse

For a week, a fair effort, just a tad too much to achieve.

Ps what was the Han line??


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 23
IamGlenn
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
Regular


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
700
Posts Per Day
0.38
Jim Onji,

This was a nice, quick read for me. Love Cluedo, still play it every now and then. It was pretty funny in parts. The characters could do with a bit of fleshing out, I didn't feel any connection between them. That can be expected in an OWC though. Other than that, good job.

Best of luck,

Glenn.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    January 2016 OWC  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006