Well, I do feel this has potential. The bones and premise are there, and could definitely be reshaped into a tighter script.  My five cents - it doesn't really fit the criteria of the contest.  Sure, you threw Monopoly in there, but that's just window dressing. Minecraft is the really focus - and that's not family game night.  Plus - the script does meander.  I think you could cut off about four pages to tighten this and really make it fun!

Following are a few general notes that might be of assistance.  Kudos - wherever you decide to take this:

P 1: space after Rita (32)
First impression: a little TOO generic with the descriptions.  Yes, overwriting is bad.  But there’s got to be some judicious poetry in them there lines.  
P 1-2: I’m guessing this was written in Word? Don’t separate Character from dialogue (ie: with Rita at the bottom.)
p. 5: Extra space before Lucy’s bottom dialog
p. 8-9: Reunite Max header with dialogue
p. 9: extra paragraph before “Max”
p. 11: extra paragraph before Family Room slug

Shorter would better for this one. If we kind of know where a story is going, impatience sets in quickly ("Are we there yet?).

Plus, the reader can be more easily distracted on the ride by whatever errors might be there, whether from software format problems or mistakes due to haste. I don't notice that stuff much if a story is pulling me along.

I liked this pretty good. There are spelling errors and I think the first several pages can/should be trimmed down to get to the story faster. I love the part where the parents become part of the game. I think though that maybe you could really give this more contrast perhaps by instead of them giving her the game..maybe she saved up and spent all her allowance on it ....but her parents will barely let her play it. Homework, family time, church whatever takes place making the child grow angry because she cannot play and then finally the machine sucks the parents in.

I do not think the green glowing and the magic of this was fleshed out enough. It was a bit confusing even. For example, if the girl was taken over by the game at first...why didn't she appear inside the game like her parents? And I love the warning but may have been foreshadow if the child was reading the directions with the warning at the bottom but her dad threw them away. We all know how most men don't take the time to read directions!

Overall, I think this could be really good with some reworking. Nice concept I think.

Good job.

The good news: The story itself was great.

The bad news:   The script needs more work.

There are a few missing words, several instances of characters being separated from their dialogue (not your fault, apparently, so I'll forgive it), and other issues.

The dialogue is average at best, cringeworthy at worst. A little more subtext would be nice.

I'm all for a slow burn horror/thriller, but it takes a while to get going. Have something odd, eerie, spooky, unsettling happen early, maybe even as a cold open before we're introduced to the leads.

I loved the Poltergeist and Tron influences, but you could have done more.

Nice effort. 7.5/10

I have a few more reads to get in before the reveal, might as well start here.

I can certainly get on-board with the addiction these kids go through with these games. My daughter has now migrated from ‘Mindcraft’ over to ‘League of Legends’, which is equally annoying now that she (literally) screams into her Skype headset when they’re playing… all the live long day.

The premise was there, to bring out a supernatural element within the story that is but, I’m not really feeling the sci-fi element you were going for; Vis–à–vis, being pulled into the video game.

Even within an 8 Bit world I would imagine it would appear more surreal than one could 'ever' imagine, with all the mechanics of a digital realm still in effect.  The Mincraft user warning at the final scene almost appears like an afterthought.

Compiling it with an Apple device was probably not the best way to go either, but if you’re on the road…

It’s an interesting concept that had a nice creepy thing going on.  Best of luck.

Mindcraft

Being John Malkovich hah? Twist is good. In the end it was too much in the trademark corner for me. Don't know why, perhaps because of all those specific terms.

Just my opinion. Still, good characterizations I think.

C

Delores Biggs,

This was rather enjoyable. Definitely reminded me of an episode of Goosebumps. Had that wacky vibe. Simple story, nice writing and a strange little ending. One of the better ones.

Good job.

Glenn.