Sugar Pie by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Thriller - An old flame pays a visit. - pdf, format

So the "game" is what, Russian Roulette? Am flipping the board on this one.

What the hell did I just read ????

There's always one.

I don't recall Russian roulette as a Friday night family game, maybe at Charles Manson's house

I guess the intro was the lead up to why he likes other men or something.

Can't rate this at all.

*Spoilers*

My only question is - did Klem plan this or was it an opportunity taken?

Stephan didn't come across like a closet homosexual in the beginning - it was kinda oddly funny - reaching for the tissue we probably have a good idea now of what he's looking at. So the subtext is there, but the motives could be better defined.

I guess at the moment when Stephan is faced with being found out, it can be determined what kind of story it is, but I still didn't figure it out. Written well though, everything's clear. Good job.

Writer,

Okay. Russian roulette. I'm getting used to all these entries that don't actually have a board game, family game night, which was all in the outline of this challenge. But still, this was very good. Confident writing, good pacing and an ending that lived up to the writing. Not the best thing since sliced bread, but this was pretty good considering.

Nice job, just off on challenge parameters.

Steve

A few thoughts, just mine own, take em or leave em

Sorry but no female character is ever gonna say 'it's homo' or 'poop comes out of there' unless they're like 12... in fact they both talk like they're actually teens.

They're married and approaching middle age, and this is how he broaches anal sex, surely it's come up before? At least Stephan's reaction is authentic

Jeez that took a dark turn...

Not sure this really fits this OWC but I did like where it went...

I think the intro dialogue needs re-writing to reflect an older couple but I though this was decent as a script, if not an OWC entry

Quoted from SAC Writer, Okay. Russian roulette. I'm getting used to all these entries that don't actually have a board game, family game night, which was all in the outline of this challenge. But still, this was very good. Confident writing, good pacing and an ending that lived up to the writing. Not the best thing since sliced bread, but this was pretty good considering. Nice job, just off on challenge parameters. Steve

There wasn't anything in the challenge rules that said it had to be a board game or family game night.  Just any kind of pre-existing game.

Well, this was a strange one.  I appreciate the brevity, but I think the story could have used some foreshadowing as far as the whole orphanage thing.  We had to get all that through expository dialogue from Klem.  As far as the whole "buggery" thing(writer's gotta be a Brit), seems like Theresa would have noticed those tendencies in Stephan a long time ago, given their ages.  Didn't really buy Theresa just walking out on that crazy scene.  Anyway, I give the writer points for going a little out there, but the story lacked depth.    

i liked the writing and the heightening tension to the ultimate finale. Edgy and raw.

Echo the others here, the whole opening seemed to be out of the blue for a mature couple... Although to be fair they probably haven't been married for long, given Stephan and Klem knew each other before Theresa came along. Which actually adds another most unsavoury subtext to this story. Klem is 19 now... How old was he when he left the orphanage? How old was he when Stephan was calling him Sugar Pie?

I didn't really get that Theresa would try and kill Stephan given the opportunity, but hey if she now knows a horrible truth then it is certainly feasible. Ditto the final act from Klem.

Edgy and well written.

Sugar Pie, Honey Bun...

You got me singing that now.

And, yes, as Ryan said, (and I on other threads have said) this does meet the criteria.

Having said that, this 'story' could have benefited from much more set-up and using the full page quota to make a proper impact. As is, it reads a little half-hearted in terms of commitment to the story you set out to write. At least if you'd had Klem sit back and announce: 'right, the three of us are going to play a little game' - it just felt rushed, the whole thing. Russian Roulette is fine in my book btw, I thought there might be a few entries of that nature.

Re the topic of ... (look away now if you're squeamish about explicit sex acts) - anal sex. In heterosexual relationships it's pretty common place, so I think your set up could probably work more effectively from a different angle. I did think from your opening scene that the story was going in an entirely different direction - not exactly sure which one, probably sex wars between a couple and incorporating some competitive game with reward, but nevertheless.

This has the basis of being pretty good but it needs far more substance added to the story and honesty as well as far as the characters go, and less of what now just comes across as verging on sensationalism.

Give a serious subject the treatment it deserves, that's what I reckon.

If I took a stab at who wrote this I'd say...

Well, I'm not telling now, obviously.

Was a quick, breezy read.

I didn't buy the wife being so willing to kill her husband. And it seems like it's a long time that this happened, so why has this kid all of a sudden showed up now?

Felt a bit rushed, but decent effort.

Wow - ANOTHER one that I felt was written on a pro level, but didn't fit the contest bill.

The good/great news: very well written and constructed.  I can *totally* see someone picking this one up asap.  (Though  - one teeny tiny nitpick here - how did Klem "get" the wife?  Just by shocking her with something she doesn't know?  If there was something more personal on that side, there'd be yet more emotional impact - IMHO.)

The huh? news: Unless you *really* want to twist the concept of Russian Roulette, this doesn't fit the contest criteria at all.  How is this family game night?

Which doesn't make this script less than great on it's own merits - it definitely is.  Just not a pick for the OWC.

Cheers,

--J

I'm with the others in that Russian Roulette doesn't fall into my definition of a "game" per se, but I'll overlook that and focus on the story. The writing's solid enough, the dialogue is okay - could use some work. But the ending to me doesn't make a lot of sense - he's holding on to one bullet with the expectation of what? If the gun is taken away from him, the plan fails (I suppose if the person who got the gun was smart enough).  So I didn't buy the ending as believable.  Also, his prints are already on the gun from earlier. Picking it up with a handkerchief isn't going to change that just because the wife picked up the gun also.  If he'd wiped the gun with the kerchief, then he'd wipe away her prints too, so the ending needs reworking.

Concept: 3.5
Story: 3.5
Character: 3.5
Dialogue: 3.5
Writing: 4
Overall: 3.6

Good luck!
Gary

Hi writer,

A strange love triangle with quite the twisted tale of revenge. It's very well written in a sense that, it incorporates a back story worthy of its own script.

In the end, Klem states he "Got them both", which took me out for another read but, I realized Theresa stole Stephan away from Klem when she began working at the hospital, hence the vengeance he (Klem) had for them both. Theresa as the seductress and Stephan as the man of empty promises.

Well, not really a whodunit cause you spelled it out for us, so I don't get any points for telling you what happened cause you already know what happened but, why Russian Roulette? Klem could have shot himself in the head on the first --

OK nope, I read it again. Klem palmed the bullet to ensure Stephan would break and eventually spill the beans about his and Klem's homo-erotic past. I found it too convenient that Theresa would intervene to ensure the last chamber was not clicked into place and Klem wouldn't shoot himself in the head... cause then they'd really have a mess on their hands, and Stephan already used up the last of the tissues to clean up, cause he was probably looking at asshole-shenanigans-dot-com after he clicked off the job ads (being Theresa doesn't play that game) but, Klem probably did all those weeks, months, years, etc... that is, before that bitch Theresa came around... I'm glad she left, their relationship was really going nowhere.

Twisted script and a cool little mystery, just not sure Russian Roulette fits the theme.

It was crude and it all died in nicely...

Nice name s o domy  spells sodomy, the topic of your story...  Kinda...

It was hard to read...

I recall from the DeerHunter that people did that in real life, but, you didn't have the bullet in the chamber nor did you have him spin the chamber...

Sorry, but, if you had followed the rules of Russian Roulette, I'd be fine, but, you didn't.

4/10

Not sure Russian Roulette meets the criteria - I am going to mull that over and come back to this for final decision.

Solid writing for the most part and the overall premise was unique - that's for sure. However, I did have a problem with the opening scene.

WARNING - GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION AHEAD

The attempted anal came to fast (no pun intended). She's in cowgirl position and in a instant - flipped over, pinned and he's - um penetrating I suppose. World class gymnastics. Her reaction (dialogue) to the attempted anal didn't strike me as realistic.

This scene is pivotal to the rest of the story and IMO, needs to be done in a more realistic manner. For example - he rolls her over - kisses her on the nape of the neck - does her traditional for a bit and then goes South. She uses her hand to wave him off - he complies at first and then tries again. At that point she simply says stop - get off and walks away from the bed. Then the dialogue - but even that should be more in the vein of you know I don't like that.

Anyway - that was the only major hiccup in the writing for me. Other part of the story were strong. Now I need to mull over the OWC parameters to see if this one passed the theme.  

Some notes.
Russian roulette is not a board game, but it can be a game…a morbid one.

I didn’t much like the first scene until his proclivities raised their ugly heads at the end.  I do think you need a better setup for Klem and the home.  Without that, it seems to be a payoff with no setup.

That she picks up the gun in the final scene is too big a coincidence for me.  Klem can’t know that ahead of time.  So, he has to devise a better mechanism for her getting the pistol, and he has to find a way to get her out.  He can’t depend on her running out because it’s convenient for him.  And why shoot the man he loves?  Especially after he’s driven her away.

So, I’m not wild about this one.  Too many coincidences for me.  

Best
Richard

Quoted from Stumpzian So the "game" is what, Russian Roulette? Am flipping the board on this one.

All right, sorry I got mad and flipped the board over. I still don't think this version of RR qualifies, but I'll comment anyway.

The writer has a skilled hand. Well done.

Changes? I'd give the wife an undercurrent of anger somewhere so that her willingness to shoot her husband is more believable.

S.O. Domy. Not someone you'd want to meet in a dark alley. We'll be talking pillars of salt soon.

Hmm, opening page sets the agenda.

The plot with Klem seems a little too reminiscent of a certain scene from the Sixth Sense. No, not that one. Mind you, it quickly changes into something else.

It's well written. By someone who knows what they're doing. But I can't say I enjoyed it. It's rather like watching Tom Hardy in The Revenant. You keep wishing he'd suddenly take a turn and stop being quite so nasty all the time.

R

The ending is ill devised and too coincidental. There's no way the kid could have known the woman would throw the paperweight when she did. Just doesn't gel right.

Probably be OK with a rewrite.

Sugar pie

Logline - simple doesn't say much, but let's see..

How ridiculous - you include your email address. Well eff me

Sound work. I'll guess Brit writer.

There is quite a lot of back story told, as there needs to be, and the end with the bullet seems a tad out of the blue. How did he know she would interrupt and take the gun etc! If not, this doesn't come across as siezing the moment, rather more calculated.

The first scene sets up his predisposition and may be could have been had been done differently but we get the idea. Where they work etc comes out of the blue, so some foreshadowing etc would be useful

But the concept of a man abusing another whilst in care, and setting up a love triangle later with an emotionally damage adolescent is sound territory.  Perhaps not a bag of laughs, but tense drama. Also, it's largely contained in the house so film able.

One to work on but good potential.

Yeah cool little story that seemed hurried at the end. Didnt technically fit the challenge but it didn't go over the 12 page limit so kudos for that! Lol

I'm with eldave on the gymnastics involved in the opening scene. The old hogleg would get a decent bend in it if he flipped her over face down straight from the pelvic saddle  

Anyway it was written well, just needs a tweak.

Well written and all, but left me with a lot of questions.

Why is Klem described as a meth addict? Nothing he does seems to have anything to do with that.

Why is he coming back for Stephan now? This doesn't seem like a love story with jealousy baked into it. At least not to me. Stephan went on the computer to watch porn, did he and Klem come across each other  there? I know they had a relationship in school, but I mean now. Have they been meeting up online for awhile? IMHO, this would work better if there were some connection between events other than the anal.

Also, it's pretty easy to see the chambers on a revolver. If they are all empty, well, then you have six empty holes staring at you.

Good job, just make the events not seem so random.

Well...p, that rules out Dustin and Stevie. (Not that it wasn't obvious Stevie wrote Norma Jean.)

Whoever wrote this has a taste for the edgy and provocative. Surely a Brit or Aussie.

Reading the script blind, I would never have guessed the game. But apparently, it's a "game" of Russian Roulette, which I thought was a casino/parlor game.

It was pretty well written, engaging, and edgy. This would never get a PG-13 rating.

9/10

S.O. Domy,

I noticed quite a few ing words that could have definitely been avoided and would have made this a better read. Other than that, the story is pretty good. The twist was decent, although I had an idea it was going to finish like that.

Good work.

Glenn.

"pins her face to the bed": read odd to me. Right out of the gate, there's rough sex.
With that opening, I was kind of expecting a throway nod to some of those ''erotic thriller' soft core B films that were let loose upon the public like any 9 1/2 Weeks knock off. Or maybe the recent bleh known as The Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Yeah. Role-playing mind/sex games. Hokey-dokey.
Some folks got some vices I 'spose.

But alas, it's just a broken hearted ex-lover looney named Klem. The game is...what, exactly? Is it a role play of some kind? Coming to knock off Stephen at this time seems like a waste of time. Wish I knew more.

Script overall is goiod, but the ending I'm not sold on. Klem isn't a psychic. He could not predict Theresa's actions.  And why wait until she's gone? He doesn't really "have them both".
Unless he and Theresea are in cahoots and it's a bizzare murder game to play on Stephen?