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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - OWC
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  Author    The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - OWC  (currently 9328 views)
RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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This is Alice in her own wonderland.  it has that whimsical feel where the cheshire cat defines his own words.  I like it.  the ending is disturbing, but she still has her wonderland, and that's good.  That this is the best she can do does not warm the soul.  

Best
Richard
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Gum
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 12:44am Report to Moderator
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This one I really like. Very creative and you've indulged the reader with a beautiful atmosphere to play out Alice's dream.

Jerome, I presume, is Alice's 'Transportation Archetype' into her world of escape, her psychopomp if you will that holds the keys to a loftier realm than the one she currently resides. I remember a short from the October OWC that was as sharp as this, regarding voice and style.

You wove a tale that I myself enjoyed being lost within, unfortunately, was taken out in the end. I believe this could end on a whimsical beat and still hold merit and truth regarding a child escaping into their mind. We all dream of other worlds, all the time... sans monsters coming up the stairs.

Still, it's an excellent submission for this challenge.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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khamanna
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 1:21am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Oh my this was very disturbing.

You made me feel a thousand different things - you're a skillful writer. I wish I could do it like that.

On one hand I kind of didn't expect the father and the abuse - you named her Alice after all - on the other hand she was ragged and hallucinating. A poor girl who has only imagination to her aid.

That was excellent by the way. Congrats on the great OWC script.
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SteveClark
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Excellent effort! I didn't think anything was over done here. The descriptions were good, necessary. But what kept me going was your dialogue. It was engaging, never dull, and by itself kept up a level of tension that forced me to keep reading. You also took a well worn topic - child abuse - and found a way to keep it fresh. Great job on this.

Steve


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JSimon
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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I try not to read the reviews before reading the script, but the further into an OWC the week gets the more I want to avoid the really awful ones. So I happened to see a few comments, including Dustin's. More than half way through the read, I thought his comment was crazy. I mean there were some execution problems that really made this a slog in the early going, and by page 6 it still had not recovered to grab me.

But I kept going and Dustin's comment actually proved to be on target. The concept was excellent and, the character is worth caring about, and it ends up being quite memorable. Very well done, writer!

A couple of things need work. As I said, there are some problems in the early going that make it a little confusing out of the gate. Granted, now that I understand what the writer was trying to describe I do recognize it was a challenge, especially if this is a relatively new writer.

Also, this story has a long set up that does not grab. I'm not sure how to fix that because the nature of the story is to have a long set up with a dramatic reveal near the end, I would say maybe use a little more magic, but I recognize that the writer does not want us to know in the early going that this is an imaginary place she is in. So maybe the best way is to tweak it some more so that the already good dialogue is perfected until it's really sweet, because in the first 6 pages, the story relies completely on the dialogue to hold the reader. That's a lot to ask of dialogue.

The father was a little over the top, but that could be fixed with tweaking too.

Overall, great job. A story with heart. From my experience, less than 10% of OWC's really have a lot of heart. So thumbs up, and this one is worth tweaking a bit.
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DaveTroop
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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This will probably be my favorite entry.  I'm 99% sure.

Excellent writing.  Some may feel it's too flowery or over-written, however, I feel the description is needed to  draw the reader into Alice's imagination.  Once we buy into her special world, the harshness of her reality hits us almost as hard as it hits Alice.

I'll agree the setting of the elevator is forced, but you explain it well with the bit of flying, etc.

A great job, writer.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Well done.  Well written.  Moving.  Original.  Brutal in the end.

The opening is definitely problematic, as well as confusing.

The elevator is completely shoehorned in and has nothing to do with this story, and for me, that's a problem.

It reads quite slow, but still quite well, so I won't complain.

Not really my kind of script, but very well done all the same.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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wonkavite
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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I really like this one.  Written, obviously, by a solid writer.  And a very creative way to tackle the OWC challenge.  I think the last line or so could be revised... not to change the meaning, but perhaps make it a touch clearer.  But this is heartfelt, and works.

Plus - the title is one of my favs in this OWC so far!
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EWall433
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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I don’t have much to say other than this was very good. I liked the last little bit with Alice’s hand coming back through. This would be a tricky thing to direct. The tone is sort of family friendly than spinning into something very dark, but it can be done. I can’t think of anything to add. Perhaps it could be shortened by cutting down on some of Jerome’s pleasantries. And maybe Alice hears the sounds of birds and the wind when she’s flying?

I also noticed others mention the elevator felt shoehorned in. They may have a point. Maybe if the doors opened out onto different “imagined” places, it might feel more purposeful. Would kick the budget up a bit, but you could probably get it with a basic green screen. How much does that cost nowadays?

Anyway, Kudos. Nice job.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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I like this.

The gentle tone of the Alice-Jerome conversation is effective. It sets us up to be shocked by reality.

I accept the writer's use of a fantasy elevator. I can see why others see it as a stretch.

The father character  seems exaggerated, but I know the reason why the writer did so. The father needs to be absolutely terrifying  so that it's perfectly clear why Alice needs to disassociate.

This reminds me of  rumors that Lewis Carroll was suspiciously fond of young girls, including the real Alice and her sisters. Naming the character Alice in the OWC script adds a chilling undercurrent.



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Simon
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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One of my favourites, this challenge.


Please visit and like/follow my Unsubscribe fan page https://www.facebook.com/The-Unsubscribe-Tribe-157356154842321/
.... or my Twitter page https://twitter.com/TheUnsubTribe (Ideally follow both).  I will return the favour. Also, check out the Unsubscribe trailer... :O :O :O https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kDbJm1VhSI
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Max
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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I think I have a new favorite script, this one blew Saturn Method out of the water for me.

It was magical, moving, touching... all of those great things. The elevator was an escape for Alice, a place where she could be free, a place where she could play with a special friend and have all the fun in the world.

It was heartbreaking to read near the end, truly captivating.

And this was done in a week? Maybe the writer had this in the pipes before the OWC came about because I've no idea how you came up with something this cool in a week.

A fantastic piece of writing, wow.


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stevemiles
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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The slow-burn approach makes it tricky to see where it’s leading, yet the strong writing assures it’s worth it.  One of the most heart-wrenching, yet poignant endings I can remember for a short, and it’s not often a second read becomes an entirely different experience.

My gripe, like others, would be the location felt interchangeable.  The answer could’ve been to have the elevator ‘moving’ towards this end -- a minor beat to better fit the challenge and easily removed later.  Though for me it didn’t diminish the read.  Good job writer.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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Best one so far for me. I have nothing to complain about. The only thing I think would be more disturbing is if the father tried to be more quiet. Like this is something between just the two of them. Their secret. Usually pedophiles aren't that loud and obvious. I don't think.

Excellent work!


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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 7:02am Report to Moderator
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Absolutely spectacular, this is a really really special script and I definitely DO NOT say that often. Definitely one of the best OWC entries I've read in the past few years. The writer is very talented and they've got a very good grasp on screenwriting as a whole, more than the nuts and bolts preached constantly. I really have to say that this is just some great work, will be very interesting to see who the writer is. Although, the elevator really has nothing to do with anything, so it unfortunately doesn't even come close to meeting the challenge guidelines.
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