SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 19th, 2021, 1:08am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Script of the April Quickie Challenge are up - 4 page audio drama (comedy, thriller, sci fi, etc)


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - OWC  (currently 9351 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11456
Posts Per Day
2.34
Good job, Reefer.  This was well written and hit hard in the end. No punches pulled, which is what I'm all about.

Easily top 5 material here.  Kudos.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 45 - 104
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
810
Posts Per Day
0.25
Bill,

My first reaction after reading was I could see many folks rejecting the concept. Let's agree that this could've gone very different on any given OWC. It's a daring narrative, one that most would to have walk a tight rope to finish. What I respect about the script is you didn't bother to walk the tight rope. The writing was pitch perfect, the dialogue from Jerome was taunting, chilling, brotherly.

I love how even though you disconnected Alice from her situation, you never fully let it leave her. It was always present, looming in the air. We hit a thematic wall in the end when Jerome squeezes her hand and says what he says. It doesn't get any better than that.

I wouldn't change a thing with this, yet I imagine you will. An animated short seems to me the best route to go here. Get this made, Bill.

Brilliant work.

Logged
Private Message Reply: 46 - 104
nawazm11
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 2:13am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
946
Posts Per Day
0.27
Brilliant job, Bill. This is probably one of the best shorts I've read. I personally think Alice is a fitting name (which I thought was done on purpose), but then again, it evoked the only young Alice we all know, so maybe it's not ideal. I'd recommend against making it explicit that she's got some kind of disorder and it's all imaginary. I believe the script really works because of the sense of atmospheric wonder that surrounds it, the ending is dark as is, if we were to be certain this was all fake, I think it would take away a lot of what makes the script great.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 47 - 104
stevemiles
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 9:44am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
678
Posts Per Day
0.19
Bill,

impressive work on this one.  A very different sensibility here than to your other shorts -- itís certainly no bad thing.  The story and characters linger long after the read.

Hope you decide to take this further -- especially without the restraints of the challenge.  I can almost see the grounds for a feature in this.  It reminds me of Guillermo del Toroís Panís Labyrinth, with the main character escaping her brutal reality by creating this fantasy world in her mind.

Reading the above posts I'd agree with Johnny that this could be well suited to animation -- perhaps something to push in that direction.  

Best of luck with it.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 48 - 104
Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2616
Posts Per Day
0.74
Thanks all - Steve, jeff, Rv, Kevin, dustin, max and stump, and especially Johnny and Mo.

The issues that i am considering are;

Alice - should i use the name?

Well I'm convinced i will. i want to draw a 'potential' connection. This is a story of a young girl in a mystical/magical place. But that's where it ends. It never says it's the same alice, but by using this we invite the reader/viewer to think of a surreal ish environment.

Slow start - one to ponder and i think it needs some work.

i was hoping that on screen with sound, inter cutting and obviously acting, we would be distracted by a sense of mystery and, whats going to happen?

Jerome - i just wondered whether i could make him, at first, more aloof therefore potentially sinister. He is after all, the imaginary father that alice hasn't  got. In the end he is seen as a caring, fun, supportive, and non threatening male figure that she is i desperate need of. The use of the dog was to show here desire for a companion.

Elevator - should this be used?

I probably will for the simple reason i like the idea of a self contained place that could 'transport' alice away. In some ways a Tardis. But i think i need to make more use of the elevator, as well as more fun, initially. The continued location should also make it cost effective to film - as Dustin has mentioned, many are filmed in warehouses with built props - that's what is needed here. A real lift would be too awkward.

Should Alice know where she is?

i agree that she shouldn't give this impression.

After all we are talking about the defence mechanism of a young girl who's brain has decided it has to be elsewhere due to the horror in front of her. It is my its very nature Disassociated from its own identity, and hence place.

I think this would play out on screen if wrapped with enough mystery.

Father - i agree i need to tame him.

In discussion with my wise wife, who as it happens is quite involved with rape and crisis agencies, it appears there is a big difference between the underhand Paedophile type character and the drunken sexual abuser. One is often quiet and manipulative, the other more angry and violent. I'm sure someone can point out I'm wrong on this, but the way i see this is that in this script the abuse is applied in some distant rural location by psychotic, alcoholic father. Accordingly some anger and violence needs to apply, and helps reinforce the fear, but at the same time it needs to be mixed up.

I mentioned a few options to my wife, to which she replied i was twisted. i took that as a success for a writer  

Ending - what does it mean?

Well, Alice's appalling world forces her to create, as a defence mechanism, her own safe place, with a new father figure, Jerome. He becomes her inner source of courage. Her learning to fly is in a way a metaphor for making the jump to believe in somewhere else. That she can transcend the pain and look down on it - as she does when she looks down on her father farm. A kind of out of body transfer as those with disassociated identity disorder (DID) can do. Jerome becomes her friend, a person to visit when needed.

The hand emerging from the flattened blanket is her re connecting with Jerome for that inner strength, in this case her attempt at reclaiming a sense of self with her defiance.

Next time ill just write about a thug with a gun - not sure i can take too many of this depth.




My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 49 - 104
ChrisBodily
Posted: June 11th, 2015, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
524
Posts Per Day
0.22
Just now read this.

Before we begin, I have to be completely honest. The title, "The Elevator Most Belonging to Alice," sounds like a boring British drama on PBS. I wasn't thinking Alice in Wonderland. Nor Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore. Nor the TV sitcom Alice. Nor Alice from the Brady Bunch. Nor Alice Kramden.

I'm so glad I gave this a chance. My only complaints are a couple of typo's, unfilmables, and bold text.

9.5/10 A+


FADE IN:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 50 - 104
realxwriter
Posted: June 12th, 2015, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
154
Posts Per Day
0.05
This was written with both care and love. The characters felt very real. Despite the way Alice talked at some point which didn't sound like a girl her age. The final reveal was shocking and I wish you've found a way to prepare us for it somehow. Or leave us some clues so it won't come as such a surprise in the end. I really admire your talent. Very well done.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 51 - 104
DanC
Posted: June 13th, 2015, 2:42am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.51

Quoted from realxwriter
This was written with both care and love. The characters felt very real. Despite the way Alice talked at some point which didn't sound like a girl her age. The final reveal was shocking and I wish you've found a way to prepare us for it somehow. Or leave us some clues so it won't come as such a surprise in the end. I really admire your talent. Very well done.


It's funny you said that b/c I read it a second time for that exact reason.  And he does leave little clues.  If you read it twice and know a thing or 2 about Alice in Wonderland, and the THUDS etc, it begins to make a lot more sense.  

And why Alice is the way she is (no friends, etc)...

That was why I thought this was the best story b/c it was so deep, especially for a OWC.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 52 - 104
Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 13th, 2015, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2616
Posts Per Day
0.74
Chris, Realx, Danc....many thanks for the kind words.

I think a OWC without a typo is just wrong. Everyone should have one  

I'm working on a revised version and hoping to move this forward. Let's hope I can improve it.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 53 - 104
DanC
Posted: June 13th, 2015, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.51

Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Chris, Realx, Danc....many thanks for the kind words.

I think a OWC without a typo is just wrong. Everyone should have one  

I'm working on a revised version and hoping to move this forward. Let's hope I can improve it.


Bill,
    You said elsewhere that you might not make the beginning so slow.  I actually liked the slow burn.  you hook us with the wonder she experiences and the witty banter between them.  I'd take out the N word, but, that's me.

I like the subtle clues you leave in there.  And as I have said, Alice, the real story, was ripe with horrific things that were true.  I agree you should do some minor alterations, but, really, it's damn near perfect as it is.  

I'd imagine a ton of people will want to scoop this up to produce it.  It is THAT good.  

It left a lasting impression on me.  And I hate you for it.  That ending, oh man.  But, I mean that with much love.  Hmmm, I should run for politics...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 54 - 104
Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 14th, 2015, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2616
Posts Per Day
0.74

Quoted from DanC


Bill,
    You said elsewhere that you might not make the beginning so slow.  I actually liked the slow burn.  you hook us with the wonder she experiences and the witty banter between them.  I'd take out the N word, but, that's me.

I like the subtle clues you leave in there.  And as I have said, Alice, the real story, was ripe with horrific things that were true.  I agree you should do some minor alterations, but, really, it's damn near perfect as it is.  

I'd imagine a ton of people will want to scoop this up to produce it.  It is THAT good.  

It left a lasting impression on me.  And I hate you for it.  That ending, oh man.  But, I mean that with much love.  Hmmm, I should run for politics...

Dan


Thanks Dan, but the truth is - await the cliche - writing is re writing. This is something I believe in a lot. An average script can be made good, a good script made great etc with a few adjustments and fine tuning. I lost a reader once over just one word and how it was interpretated.

Alice has a great foundation and to some that's fine. But if I can tweak the script to avoid the issues that others felt, then it could be of broader appeal. I want to enter it into competitions so why not make the most of the feedback. Yes, some can be ignored, but other feedback is worth noting.

I'm even toying with an extra scene where we see Alice flying within the clouds, outside of the lift. This conflicts with the self contained nature of the script, but I like this visually. It gives, I hope, more visual understanding of the mental escape. If a producer then wants to drop it, so be it.

Time will tell whether it gets improved. Let's hope I don't cock it up!!



My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 55 - 104
irish eyes
Posted: June 14th, 2015, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1673
Posts Per Day
0.41
Excellent read Bill.

You sir, are a fine writer. It was kinda mysterious the direction you where going, but when you dropped the line "He called it nigger" I had a sense.

Still enjoyed the interaction/dialogue between Jerome and Alice.... the fatherly figure she really needs.

Impressive work my fellow Red... I speak nothing of our season

Mark


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 56 - 104
Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 15th, 2015, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2616
Posts Per Day
0.74

Quoted from irish eyes
Excellent read Bill.

You sir, are a fine writer. It was kinda mysterious the direction you where going, but when you dropped the line "He called it nigger" I had a sense.

Still enjoyed the interaction/dialogue between Jerome and Alice.... the fatherly figure she really needs.

Impressive work my fellow Red... I speak nothing of our season

Mark


Hey Mark,

Many thanks for the read. Much appreciated. Still needs a few tweaks but nice to come up with a script people enjoyed...well perhaps not enjoyed, more appreciated.

Re L'pool - yup disappointing season. Lost of Sturbridge really did us in when we were vulnerable without Suarez. Let's hope they buy better this year, but I feel that the money with take players to richer clubs. And next year no stevie G, and possible sterling,  let's hope Henderson grows into the role. He looked quite sound when I watch him play.

I was up in Liverpool last week. Drive past Goodison park but didn't have time for an anfield diversion.

All the best


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 57 - 104
Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 28th, 2015, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2616
Posts Per Day
0.74
Anybody want to swap reads?

Ive been working on a new version. The core story remains but there is a fair degree of addition and i could do with an extra pair of eyes, or  two.

If anybody wants to share a read let me know and i can forward the link via PM - I have taken down the the SS script.

cheers


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr

Revision History (1 edits)
Reef Dreamer  -  June 29th, 2015, 3:37am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 58 - 104
DanC
Posted: June 29th, 2015, 2:29am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.51

Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Anybody want to swap reads?

Ive been working on a new version. The core story remains but there is a fair degree of addition and i could do with an extra pair of eyes of two.

If anybody wants to share a read let me know and i can forward the link via PM - I have taken down the the SS script.

cheers


Bill, bud, you NEVER have to ask.  Just send it to me.  It was awesome and you're a bud, so, just kick it over.  

I'll shoot you my email, then send it as an attachment.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 59 - 104
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006