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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - OWC
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  Author    The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - OWC  (currently 9333 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) writing as Christine Beauchamp - Short, Drama - With the help of a new friend, Alice discovers a way to manage her difficult situation. 11 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  June 7th, 2015, 11:25am
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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Umm,

Wow, this was disturbing.  I won't list any spoilers, but, wow, that was really hard to read.  Sad more then hard.

Don't get me wrong, it was an easy fast read, and you did a great job explaining what was going on.  You could have easily lost me.  But, you didn't.

I'm torn.  I loved the writing.  Hated the premise.  felt awful at the end.  And I am not sure this was the definition of following the rules.

This must be the story that went outside the box.  

Very imaginative.  

I just wish, well, I'm sure you know what I wish...

Scores 10/10 for imagination, 5/10 for the rules of the "contest", 9/10 for execution, overall, I'd have to give you a solid 8/10.  You made me feel.  I hated it, which is why you did a great job.


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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currentcmine
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Imaginative, yes. Enough conflict? Well, not really. More a child's fantasy world being indulged by an imaginary playmate than a linear story. Conflict doesn't emerge until she must return to reality. Otherwise a flowery vignette.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on getting an entry in.  

Disturbing content yes.  Overwritten, yes in almost every page.  The writing was good, just too much of it.  Plus, this would be an expensive film for a short.

I understand where you were going with this.  I bothers me to think kids have to go through this kind of stuff, so on that you made me emotionally connected.  Pissed me off in fact.  Got a shotgun to take care of that situation.

Cut the writing down and the -ing -ly words out and it will read better.


My Scripts:
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:42am Report to Moderator
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Hmm...

The narrative is well written and convincing. I'm not really seeing the overwriting here either, it's just laced with adjective clauses that add tons of variety to this read. Verbs are strong and weak when the need to be. Emphasis where it needs to be. Passive when it needs to be. I'm sayin it's written with purpose without trying too hard.

These are the scripts that are memorable to me.
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stevie
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good and well written.  It wasn't outside the challenge parameters at all to me. The lift was there, no other location. I guess nothing in the requirements said it couldn't  be an imaginary lift



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rendevous
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 2:59am Report to Moderator
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I have to question the wisdom of having a young girl named Alice in a story. It's going to detract rather than add, in me humble.

Ooh, a Dambusters reference on page three. It'll certainly raise a few eyebrows.

Finished. That went somewhere I wasn't quite expecting. The mood of the start carries on a bit too long, I found myself skimming. That said it's imaginitive. I think I'd have a lot more to say if she wasn't called Alice. It's like trying to read a book about a young magician called Harry that isn't written by JK Rowling.

Not that I would meself, I think I'd rather slam my fingers in the door.

R


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DS
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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I for one didn't notice the overwriting mentioned above, the writing pulled me in, as did the story. The elevator seems incredibly forced into the piece with no real reason to be there other than fill the OWC parameters. Not sure how much that matters, since I thought the script itself was very good and chock full of emotion. "Escaping to a happy place" excellently turned into a script. Hard-hitting stuff -- great job, writer. I'd recommend getting rid of the elevator after the OWC, though.

P10: The "open your bedroom door, now" line felt more like unnecessarily reinforcing the location again instead of what would actually be said.

I'm not sure whether I got the ending or not. Is she dead or just resisting? Based on the "Fly free" and the white knuckles, I deduced that she was dead, but I'm not 100% sure I'm interpreting it right. I suppose it works both ways -- the script just gets a different meaning to it. Be nice if the author specified this after the writers are revealed. Good luck!
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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This is my favorite so far, easily gets a recommend from me. An outstanding mashup of tone and imagery.

The child holds its breath, tries to keep quiet.

I'm not 100% on the author, and it's little details like this that are chilling to me. If I'm right about who wrote this, I'll say this - you're straight up lethal with a keyboard.

Great work writer, you writing inspires me.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Really strong writing in this one, disturbing by the end and all too plausible ;-(

The only things that didn't work for me, and this is based on my reading that Alice is creating her own escape room, is that she seems to be quite sophisticated in word and thought for a 10 year old... would still work though if you made her older.

And as someone has pointed out, I too think the lift is somewhat jammed in, but I'll let you off given the strength of the writing.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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Very solid effort. May be my favorite so far. Great premise, solid dialogue and, IMO a chilling ending. A couple of nits:


Quoted Text
INT. ALICEíS ELEVATOR


Think you need DAY or NIGHT here


Quoted Text
Allow me to explain one of lifeís
hidden truths. You do not have to
move in order change where you are.
In here you can do as you wish.


Typo - missing a "to" between order and change.



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Dustin
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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I found this difficult going at first but am now into it by page 4. I like how you're (in a sense) rebooting Alice in Wonderland for this. Very inventive for an OWC. Nice work.

9 out of 10.


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DanC
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 2:03am Report to Moderator
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Why doesn't this have more reads?


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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LC
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 2:35am Report to Moderator
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I found this pretty creepy which is essentially the idea so good work there but on paper I found it a bit tedious to read and I think on-screen I might find the same - I did start looking at how many pages were left. To that end I think you could make it a bit shorter and still not lose its essence.

A little girl concocts a world of her own to escape real life horrors - it is well done and there are some lovely turns of phrase including this one:

You do not have to
move in order change where you are.

(despite the missing word)

And the dialogue is good for each and every character - unique voices.

Am I the only one who didn't get the ending? Jerome's a figment of her imagination, a coping mechanism, right? and she can't really fly off somewhere unless that elevator has an imaginary lift shaft she's going to fall into... And, I don't see how she's dead with that last shot of her gripping Jerome's hand.

Well written. I'm just averse to the subject matter and I did find it a bit of a slog to get through, but you're a talented writer for sure.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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FROM AN UNKNOWN PERSONíS POV...

You mean the cameraís POV? You donít need to start like this, nor should you. Just write what we can see. You then tell us thereís a child there, show us donít tell us.

Iím confused. Alice and Jerome are in an elevator, I get that and itís very well described but what is this about a sheet? Why is Alice in a sheet?

Wait a minute, now sheís in a tent?

Page 3, the N word! Oooh, I always use the V word (Voldermort) instead of the N word.

Page 4 and Iím into this now. A shaky start but I like Jerome and this is very much in the style of Alice in Wonderland.

Got to the end and wow! I like this a lot I just think itís a bit confusing at the beginning and heavy handed at the end. You can hit the same emotional tones without using a sledgehammer, thatís all Iím saying. Well written, great characters.  This is a very adult take on the Wonderland tale; Alice is using her imagination to escape the horrors of her father and Jerome is a representation of her will, her resolve. Powerful stuff.

I will say this though, the elevator cart seems like a mechanism added just so the story could fit the confines of this OWC. The same tale could be told using an empty train or a whole host of other symbolic journeys, after all this is all in Aliceís imagination. So Iím not sure it quite matches the confines of the challenge. Regardless,  this is very memorable and I imagine it will score highly.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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