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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - OWC
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  Author    The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - OWC  (currently 9350 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) writing as Christine Beauchamp - Short, Drama - With the help of a new friend, Alice discovers a way to manage her difficult situation. 11 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  June 7th, 2015, 11:25am
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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Umm,

Wow, this was disturbing.  I won't list any spoilers, but, wow, that was really hard to read.  Sad more then hard.

Don't get me wrong, it was an easy fast read, and you did a great job explaining what was going on.  You could have easily lost me.  But, you didn't.

I'm torn.  I loved the writing.  Hated the premise.  felt awful at the end.  And I am not sure this was the definition of following the rules.

This must be the story that went outside the box.  

Very imaginative.  

I just wish, well, I'm sure you know what I wish...

Scores 10/10 for imagination, 5/10 for the rules of the "contest", 9/10 for execution, overall, I'd have to give you a solid 8/10.  You made me feel.  I hated it, which is why you did a great job.


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currentcmine
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Imaginative, yes. Enough conflict? Well, not really. More a child's fantasy world being indulged by an imaginary playmate than a linear story. Conflict doesn't emerge until she must return to reality. Otherwise a flowery vignette.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on getting an entry in.  

Disturbing content yes.  Overwritten, yes in almost every page.  The writing was good, just too much of it.  Plus, this would be an expensive film for a short.

I understand where you were going with this.  I bothers me to think kids have to go through this kind of stuff, so on that you made me emotionally connected.  Pissed me off in fact.  Got a shotgun to take care of that situation.

Cut the writing down and the -ing -ly words out and it will read better.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:42am Report to Moderator
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Hmm...

The narrative is well written and convincing. I'm not really seeing the overwriting here either, it's just laced with adjective clauses that add tons of variety to this read. Verbs are strong and weak when the need to be. Emphasis where it needs to be. Passive when it needs to be. I'm sayin it's written with purpose without trying too hard.

These are the scripts that are memorable to me.
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stevie
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good and well written.  It wasn't outside the challenge parameters at all to me. The lift was there, no other location. I guess nothing in the requirements said it couldn't  be an imaginary lift



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rendevous
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I have to question the wisdom of having a young girl named Alice in a story. It's going to detract rather than add, in me humble.

Ooh, a Dambusters reference on page three. It'll certainly raise a few eyebrows.

Finished. That went somewhere I wasn't quite expecting. The mood of the start carries on a bit too long, I found myself skimming. That said it's imaginitive. I think I'd have a lot more to say if she wasn't called Alice. It's like trying to read a book about a young magician called Harry that isn't written by JK Rowling.

Not that I would meself, I think I'd rather slam my fingers in the door.

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DS
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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I for one didn't notice the overwriting mentioned above, the writing pulled me in, as did the story. The elevator seems incredibly forced into the piece with no real reason to be there other than fill the OWC parameters. Not sure how much that matters, since I thought the script itself was very good and chock full of emotion. "Escaping to a happy place" excellently turned into a script. Hard-hitting stuff -- great job, writer. I'd recommend getting rid of the elevator after the OWC, though.

P10: The "open your bedroom door, now" line felt more like unnecessarily reinforcing the location again instead of what would actually be said.

I'm not sure whether I got the ending or not. Is she dead or just resisting? Based on the "Fly free" and the white knuckles, I deduced that she was dead, but I'm not 100% sure I'm interpreting it right. I suppose it works both ways -- the script just gets a different meaning to it. Be nice if the author specified this after the writers are revealed. Good luck!
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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This is my favorite so far, easily gets a recommend from me. An outstanding mashup of tone and imagery.

The child holds its breath, tries to keep quiet.

I'm not 100% on the author, and it's little details like this that are chilling to me. If I'm right about who wrote this, I'll say this - you're straight up lethal with a keyboard.

Great work writer, you writing inspires me.
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AnthonyCawood
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Really strong writing in this one, disturbing by the end and all too plausible ;-(

The only things that didn't work for me, and this is based on my reading that Alice is creating her own escape room, is that she seems to be quite sophisticated in word and thought for a 10 year old... would still work though if you made her older.

And as someone has pointed out, I too think the lift is somewhat jammed in, but I'll let you off given the strength of the writing.

Anthony


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eldave1
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Very solid effort. May be my favorite so far. Great premise, solid dialogue and, IMO a chilling ending. A couple of nits:


Quoted Text
INT. ALICEíS ELEVATOR


Think you need DAY or NIGHT here


Quoted Text
Allow me to explain one of lifeís
hidden truths. You do not have to
move in order change where you are.
In here you can do as you wish.


Typo - missing a "to" between order and change.



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Dustin
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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I found this difficult going at first but am now into it by page 4. I like how you're (in a sense) rebooting Alice in Wonderland for this. Very inventive for an OWC. Nice work.

9 out of 10.


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DanC
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 2:03am Report to Moderator
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Why doesn't this have more reads?


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LC
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I found this pretty creepy which is essentially the idea so good work there but on paper I found it a bit tedious to read and I think on-screen I might find the same - I did start looking at how many pages were left. To that end I think you could make it a bit shorter and still not lose its essence.

A little girl concocts a world of her own to escape real life horrors - it is well done and there are some lovely turns of phrase including this one:

You do not have to
move in order change where you are.

(despite the missing word)

And the dialogue is good for each and every character - unique voices.

Am I the only one who didn't get the ending? Jerome's a figment of her imagination, a coping mechanism, right? and she can't really fly off somewhere unless that elevator has an imaginary lift shaft she's going to fall into... And, I don't see how she's dead with that last shot of her gripping Jerome's hand.

Well written. I'm just averse to the subject matter and I did find it a bit of a slog to get through, but you're a talented writer for sure.


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MarkRenshaw
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FROM AN UNKNOWN PERSONíS POV...

You mean the cameraís POV? You donít need to start like this, nor should you. Just write what we can see. You then tell us thereís a child there, show us donít tell us.

Iím confused. Alice and Jerome are in an elevator, I get that and itís very well described but what is this about a sheet? Why is Alice in a sheet?

Wait a minute, now sheís in a tent?

Page 3, the N word! Oooh, I always use the V word (Voldermort) instead of the N word.

Page 4 and Iím into this now. A shaky start but I like Jerome and this is very much in the style of Alice in Wonderland.

Got to the end and wow! I like this a lot I just think itís a bit confusing at the beginning and heavy handed at the end. You can hit the same emotional tones without using a sledgehammer, thatís all Iím saying. Well written, great characters.  This is a very adult take on the Wonderland tale; Alice is using her imagination to escape the horrors of her father and Jerome is a representation of her will, her resolve. Powerful stuff.

I will say this though, the elevator cart seems like a mechanism added just so the story could fit the confines of this OWC. The same tale could be told using an empty train or a whole host of other symbolic journeys, after all this is all in Aliceís imagination. So Iím not sure it quite matches the confines of the challenge. Regardless,  this is very memorable and I imagine it will score highly.

-Mark


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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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This is Alice in her own wonderland.  it has that whimsical feel where the cheshire cat defines his own words.  I like it.  the ending is disturbing, but she still has her wonderland, and that's good.  That this is the best she can do does not warm the soul.  

Best
Richard
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Gum
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This one I really like. Very creative and you've indulged the reader with a beautiful atmosphere to play out Alice's dream.

Jerome, I presume, is Alice's 'Transportation Archetype' into her world of escape, her psychopomp if you will that holds the keys to a loftier realm than the one she currently resides. I remember a short from the October OWC that was as sharp as this, regarding voice and style.

You wove a tale that I myself enjoyed being lost within, unfortunately, was taken out in the end. I believe this could end on a whimsical beat and still hold merit and truth regarding a child escaping into their mind. We all dream of other worlds, all the time... sans monsters coming up the stairs.

Still, it's an excellent submission for this challenge.


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khamanna
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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Oh my this was very disturbing.

You made me feel a thousand different things - you're a skillful writer. I wish I could do it like that.

On one hand I kind of didn't expect the father and the abuse - you named her Alice after all - on the other hand she was ragged and hallucinating. A poor girl who has only imagination to her aid.

That was excellent by the way. Congrats on the great OWC script.
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SteveClark
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Excellent effort! I didn't think anything was over done here. The descriptions were good, necessary. But what kept me going was your dialogue. It was engaging, never dull, and by itself kept up a level of tension that forced me to keep reading. You also took a well worn topic - child abuse - and found a way to keep it fresh. Great job on this.

Steve


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JSimon
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I try not to read the reviews before reading the script, but the further into an OWC the week gets the more I want to avoid the really awful ones. So I happened to see a few comments, including Dustin's. More than half way through the read, I thought his comment was crazy. I mean there were some execution problems that really made this a slog in the early going, and by page 6 it still had not recovered to grab me.

But I kept going and Dustin's comment actually proved to be on target. The concept was excellent and, the character is worth caring about, and it ends up being quite memorable. Very well done, writer!

A couple of things need work. As I said, there are some problems in the early going that make it a little confusing out of the gate. Granted, now that I understand what the writer was trying to describe I do recognize it was a challenge, especially if this is a relatively new writer.

Also, this story has a long set up that does not grab. I'm not sure how to fix that because the nature of the story is to have a long set up with a dramatic reveal near the end, I would say maybe use a little more magic, but I recognize that the writer does not want us to know in the early going that this is an imaginary place she is in. So maybe the best way is to tweak it some more so that the already good dialogue is perfected until it's really sweet, because in the first 6 pages, the story relies completely on the dialogue to hold the reader. That's a lot to ask of dialogue.

The father was a little over the top, but that could be fixed with tweaking too.

Overall, great job. A story with heart. From my experience, less than 10% of OWC's really have a lot of heart. So thumbs up, and this one is worth tweaking a bit.
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DaveTroop
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This will probably be my favorite entry.  I'm 99% sure.

Excellent writing.  Some may feel it's too flowery or over-written, however, I feel the description is needed to  draw the reader into Alice's imagination.  Once we buy into her special world, the harshness of her reality hits us almost as hard as it hits Alice.

I'll agree the setting of the elevator is forced, but you explain it well with the bit of flying, etc.

A great job, writer.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Well done.  Well written.  Moving.  Original.  Brutal in the end.

The opening is definitely problematic, as well as confusing.

The elevator is completely shoehorned in and has nothing to do with this story, and for me, that's a problem.

It reads quite slow, but still quite well, so I won't complain.

Not really my kind of script, but very well done all the same.


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wonkavite
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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I really like this one.  Written, obviously, by a solid writer.  And a very creative way to tackle the OWC challenge.  I think the last line or so could be revised... not to change the meaning, but perhaps make it a touch clearer.  But this is heartfelt, and works.

Plus - the title is one of my favs in this OWC so far!
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EWall433
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I donít have much to say other than this was very good. I liked the last little bit with Aliceís hand coming back through. This would be a tricky thing to direct. The tone is sort of family friendly than spinning into something very dark, but it can be done. I canít think of anything to add. Perhaps it could be shortened by cutting down on some of Jeromeís pleasantries. And maybe Alice hears the sounds of birds and the wind when sheís flying?

I also noticed others mention the elevator felt shoehorned in. They may have a point. Maybe if the doors opened out onto different ďimaginedĒ places, it might feel more purposeful. Would kick the budget up a bit, but you could probably get it with a basic green screen. How much does that cost nowadays?

Anyway, Kudos. Nice job.
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Stumpzian
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I like this.

The gentle tone of the Alice-Jerome conversation is effective. It sets us up to be shocked by reality.

I accept the writer's use of a fantasy elevator. I can see why others see it as a stretch.

The father character  seems exaggerated, but I know the reason why the writer did so. The father needs to be absolutely terrifying  so that it's perfectly clear why Alice needs to disassociate.

This reminds me of  rumors that Lewis Carroll was suspiciously fond of young girls, including the real Alice and her sisters. Naming the character Alice in the OWC script adds a chilling undercurrent.



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Simon
Posted: May 29th, 2015, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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One of my favourites, this challenge.


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Max
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I think I have a new favorite script, this one blew Saturn Method out of the water for me.

It was magical, moving, touching... all of those great things. The elevator was an escape for Alice, a place where she could be free, a place where she could play with a special friend and have all the fun in the world.

It was heartbreaking to read near the end, truly captivating.

And this was done in a week? Maybe the writer had this in the pipes before the OWC came about because I've no idea how you came up with something this cool in a week.

A fantastic piece of writing, wow.


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stevemiles
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The slow-burn approach makes it tricky to see where itís leading, yet the strong writing assures itís worth it.  One of the most heart-wrenching, yet poignant endings I can remember for a short, and itís not often a second read becomes an entirely different experience.

My gripe, like others, would be the location felt interchangeable.  The answer couldíve been to have the elevator Ďmovingí towards this end -- a minor beat to better fit the challenge and easily removed later.  Though for me it didnít diminish the read.  Good job writer.


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Grandma Bear
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Best one so far for me. I have nothing to complain about. The only thing I think would be more disturbing is if the father tried to be more quiet. Like this is something between just the two of them. Their secret. Usually pedophiles aren't that loud and obvious. I don't think.

Excellent work!


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nawazm11
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Absolutely spectacular, this is a really really special script and I definitely DO NOT say that often. Definitely one of the best OWC entries I've read in the past few years. The writer is very talented and they've got a very good grasp on screenwriting as a whole, more than the nuts and bolts preached constantly. I really have to say that this is just some great work, will be very interesting to see who the writer is. Although, the elevator really has nothing to do with anything, so it unfortunately doesn't even come close to meeting the challenge guidelines.
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Simon
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Just realised that Alice is very intelligent for a 10 year old, imagining that kind of language. You might want to point that out, or maybe make her older.


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Simon
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Woops, someone pointed that out, already.


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Iancou
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From a technical aspect, this is well done. Disturbing subject matter, but if the script grabs the audience, that is successful writing. Good work.


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c m hall
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I think this is an intriguing story and a marvelous effort for a OWC, I hope to see a revision if one is available. The characters could be memorable and the story has the makings of a true classic, I think, so I offer some criticism in the spirit that this script might be, in fact, great.

It's possible that by creating so much mystery in the opening pages (at least this reader had trouble understanding what was going on) the most important element, the character of Alice, is made contradictory and unclear.

IMHO the audience would accept much of the world in Alice's elevator as it has been presented but, for me, when Alice asks Jerome "So (are you) like my servant?" -- it felt false, not unreal, just false -- what I mean is that the willing suspension of my disbelief failed me and the story went back to being a story instead of (what it had the makings of, for me) an intriguing puzzle from which I could not turn away.

It's a jolt in the drama's development, it might be exactly what is needed at that moment and it might be entirely successful for the story's development, for me it was an unwanted distraction.

Further difficulty I had...

We are given enough information about Alice from the beginning to know that she's in great distress, there are frightening noises outside and the elevator shakes -- the atmosphere of increasing terror is beautifully created -- my thought is that either Alice is accustomed to breaks in the horror of her life (such as receiving magical visitors) or not, in which case I wonder why her first words to him weren't a plea for help, whoever or whatever he was.  This, again, was a distraction for me.  

The action in the ending is very intense and successful, I think.

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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 4th, 2015, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice

Okay, I believe you have your information yet.

So, I just would add here that I can imagine tightening and polishing it to a 9 minutes script could make it "even" more intense, fantastic and fanciful (as it already is; and it is) AND guide us sooner to the disturbing truth and extraordinary message of your script.

Important to film. Yep.



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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I wasn't involved in the OWC, but decided to read this due to the praise.

The ending is powerful and disturbing.

I found the opening paragraph confusing. The next 8 pages I found quite a grind to read. Visually there is little going on, I think on screen it would be very dull indeed. Ultimately, I think this script will be better served by ditching the elevator..it served its purpose for the confines of the OWC...it would be better to see something more interesting in the rewrite. It was also very expositional. Unavoidable, maybe, but it lacked conflict and therefore, interest, for me.

The ending, whilst powerful, felt somewhat manipulative. Child rape is a pretty difficult subject to deal with, I'm sure. It did feel like you'd just picked the most disturbing thing you could think of in order to shock. For my tastes, there could have been a more subtle way of dealing with it, focussing more on sadness and empathy rather than the sheer horror...but that is a matter of subjective taste.

It was certainly memorable,

Rick.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Update: Having read the comments, I would definitely agree with Pia and suggest toning down the violence of the father. That would be more realistic, and reduce the feeling that the story is trying too hard to manipulate our emotions.
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bert
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Read through this first, then looked back at the comments.

It is not overwritten for me.  I would discount those comments.

I would echo those who say the early pages could benefit from more clarity.  I kind of get what you are going for, but I had a difficult time visualizing exactly what you meant.  You call it a sheet, then a tent, all within the context of some "unknown person".  Some descriptive tweaks here would not be inappropriate.

While I enjoyed the conversations between Alice and Jerome quite a bit, I would play with the thought of having Alice know exactly where she is.  I mean, we assume her unfortunate situation has been going on for some time, and this is her first visit to the elevator?  It would also make the end more poignant.

I would only play with that idea, though.  It is a significant change that may not work as well as what you've got, and if it doesn't, then abandon that comment.  I only mention it as a possible spin on the material you've already got, which works fine on its own terms.  I found the dialogue charming throughout.

On page 9, you plunge the elevator into darkness, which seems an odd choice, and quite difficult to film once you've done it.  Might I suggest a harsh red light, or perhaps the spinning light of a siren or something like that?  A change like that would help impart a clear change in tone while also serving as a device that is far more visual.

And about that ending.  Like a few others, I think you are overselling it.  The slap, the command to SCREAM -- calling her an f'ing bitch -- it is just too much.  We get it, and it feels like you are carrying it over the top a bit, while losing a bit of dignity in the process.  Less is more here, IMO.  Suggest the menace without being so explicit and you'll get more mileage out of it.

The final image of the hand-holding is so powerful, and I think it speaks volumes without the additional dialogue from Jerome.  I see it as a quiet moment.

It is a very nice piece of work, however, no doubt about that.  I suspect you already know you've got something special here.  Room for improvement, yes, but the foundation is very solid.

And like a few others, I question the name Alice, which draws immediate comparisons to another story -- unless those comparisons are intentional.  Then don't worry about it.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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JSimon
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with all of Bert's notes...except the part about her knowing. The best type of mental escape is where you actually forget where you're escaping from. The only problem is eventually you have to go back and the horror is more horrible to you because it's new again. Still, a full escape is best, and having her know what is going on might be problematic to show and might ruin the mystery for the audience. Just my penny's worth.
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Dustin
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Well done Bill, another of my recommends. With some tightening in the beginning this could be a 10 out of 10. I really enjoy quite a bit of your work.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
This is my favorite so far, easily gets a recommend from me. An outstanding mashup of tone and imagery.

The child holds its breath, tries to keep quiet.

I'm not 100% on the author, and it's little details like this that are chilling to me. If I'm right about who wrote this, I'll say this - you're straight up lethal with a keyboard.

Great work writer, you writing inspires me.


Thanks everyone - i have had some lovely comments and suggestions. It's been great to watch how many have appreciated Alice which quite frankly i thought was a major risk. But in the panic of writing at least something we don't always have time for a fall back - well i don't.

i'll come back in more detail later,  as i would appreciate folks thoughts on the tweaks i need to make, but i just wanted to give a big thanks to Johnny for this very kind post - above - which made my day. Others also followed with lovely feedback and reflections. It's been a special OWC for me.

Elevator - i appreciate some thought this was shoehorned in. However, i can confirm it was written for this challenge and had more elevator stuff in there - including a button that only went up ! - but i needed to tighten it and that was lost in the final cut.

The reason, i think, that this story came to me was that the elevator came across to me as a place to transport oneself. in that moment i thought of a child trying to transport themselves out of a difficult situation using the lift. A mental running away, or hiding place. hey presto.

Since she can not get away, we believe, she needs an imaginary devise to do so. She doesn't consciously realise this, but that's often the case with the abused.

Having finished the first draft my wife pointed out the parallels with a psychological disorder called, Disassociation identity Disorder. This is a coping mechanism that the abused often use to distance themselves from such an event(s). Christine Beauchamp was an early case study in this.

Back later

thanks all


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Max
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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Cool shit Reef.

Top top entry.


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rendevous
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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I think I was somewhat harsh on yours. As I was a bit put out with using the name Alice, I know that Lewis story a bit too well. It put me off. The vast majority didn't seem as bothered as I was. I'll revisit this soon. I know you wait with bated breath.

One day soon I'll be able to stump up the money for dinner as well. If things are going well, we may even be able to supersize.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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JSimon
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Good work, Bill.
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Stumpzian
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Was a recommend for me.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Having finished the first draft my wife pointed out the parallels with a psychological disorder called, Disassociation identity Disorder. This is a coping mechanism that the abused often use to distance themselves from such an event(s). Christine Beauchamp was an early case study in this.


Your wife's observation was on the money in regard to disassociation. Didn't know about Christine Beauchamp. I like that you used her name as the author.

Henry




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Dreamscale
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Good job, Reefer.  This was well written and hit hard in the end. No punches pulled, which is what I'm all about.

Easily top 5 material here.  Kudos.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Bill,

My first reaction after reading was I could see many folks rejecting the concept. Let's agree that this could've gone very different on any given OWC. It's a daring narrative, one that most would to have walk a tight rope to finish. What I respect about the script is you didn't bother to walk the tight rope. The writing was pitch perfect, the dialogue from Jerome was taunting, chilling, brotherly.

I love how even though you disconnected Alice from her situation, you never fully let it leave her. It was always present, looming in the air. We hit a thematic wall in the end when Jerome squeezes her hand and says what he says. It doesn't get any better than that.

I wouldn't change a thing with this, yet I imagine you will. An animated short seems to me the best route to go here. Get this made, Bill.

Brilliant work.

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nawazm11
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 2:13am Report to Moderator
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Brilliant job, Bill. This is probably one of the best shorts I've read. I personally think Alice is a fitting name (which I thought was done on purpose), but then again, it evoked the only young Alice we all know, so maybe it's not ideal. I'd recommend against making it explicit that she's got some kind of disorder and it's all imaginary. I believe the script really works because of the sense of atmospheric wonder that surrounds it, the ending is dark as is, if we were to be certain this was all fake, I think it would take away a lot of what makes the script great.
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stevemiles
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Bill,

impressive work on this one.  A very different sensibility here than to your other shorts -- itís certainly no bad thing.  The story and characters linger long after the read.

Hope you decide to take this further -- especially without the restraints of the challenge.  I can almost see the grounds for a feature in this.  It reminds me of Guillermo del Toroís Panís Labyrinth, with the main character escaping her brutal reality by creating this fantasy world in her mind.

Reading the above posts I'd agree with Johnny that this could be well suited to animation -- perhaps something to push in that direction.  

Best of luck with it.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks all - Steve, jeff, Rv, Kevin, dustin, max and stump, and especially Johnny and Mo.

The issues that i am considering are;

Alice - should i use the name?

Well I'm convinced i will. i want to draw a 'potential' connection. This is a story of a young girl in a mystical/magical place. But that's where it ends. It never says it's the same alice, but by using this we invite the reader/viewer to think of a surreal ish environment.

Slow start - one to ponder and i think it needs some work.

i was hoping that on screen with sound, inter cutting and obviously acting, we would be distracted by a sense of mystery and, whats going to happen?

Jerome - i just wondered whether i could make him, at first, more aloof therefore potentially sinister. He is after all, the imaginary father that alice hasn't  got. In the end he is seen as a caring, fun, supportive, and non threatening male figure that she is i desperate need of. The use of the dog was to show here desire for a companion.

Elevator - should this be used?

I probably will for the simple reason i like the idea of a self contained place that could 'transport' alice away. In some ways a Tardis. But i think i need to make more use of the elevator, as well as more fun, initially. The continued location should also make it cost effective to film - as Dustin has mentioned, many are filmed in warehouses with built props - that's what is needed here. A real lift would be too awkward.

Should Alice know where she is?

i agree that she shouldn't give this impression.

After all we are talking about the defence mechanism of a young girl who's brain has decided it has to be elsewhere due to the horror in front of her. It is my its very nature Disassociated from its own identity, and hence place.

I think this would play out on screen if wrapped with enough mystery.

Father - i agree i need to tame him.

In discussion with my wise wife, who as it happens is quite involved with rape and crisis agencies, it appears there is a big difference between the underhand Paedophile type character and the drunken sexual abuser. One is often quiet and manipulative, the other more angry and violent. I'm sure someone can point out I'm wrong on this, but the way i see this is that in this script the abuse is applied in some distant rural location by psychotic, alcoholic father. Accordingly some anger and violence needs to apply, and helps reinforce the fear, but at the same time it needs to be mixed up.

I mentioned a few options to my wife, to which she replied i was twisted. i took that as a success for a writer  

Ending - what does it mean?

Well, Alice's appalling world forces her to create, as a defence mechanism, her own safe place, with a new father figure, Jerome. He becomes her inner source of courage. Her learning to fly is in a way a metaphor for making the jump to believe in somewhere else. That she can transcend the pain and look down on it - as she does when she looks down on her father farm. A kind of out of body transfer as those with disassociated identity disorder (DID) can do. Jerome becomes her friend, a person to visit when needed.

The hand emerging from the flattened blanket is her re connecting with Jerome for that inner strength, in this case her attempt at reclaiming a sense of self with her defiance.

Next time ill just write about a thug with a gun - not sure i can take too many of this depth.




My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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ChrisBodily
Posted: June 11th, 2015, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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Just now read this.

Before we begin, I have to be completely honest. The title, "The Elevator Most Belonging to Alice," sounds like a boring British drama on PBS. I wasn't thinking Alice in Wonderland. Nor Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore. Nor the TV sitcom Alice. Nor Alice from the Brady Bunch. Nor Alice Kramden.

I'm so glad I gave this a chance. My only complaints are a couple of typo's, unfilmables, and bold text.

9.5/10 A+


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realxwriter
Posted: June 12th, 2015, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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This was written with both care and love. The characters felt very real. Despite the way Alice talked at some point which didn't sound like a girl her age. The final reveal was shocking and I wish you've found a way to prepare us for it somehow. Or leave us some clues so it won't come as such a surprise in the end. I really admire your talent. Very well done.
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DanC
Posted: June 13th, 2015, 2:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from realxwriter
This was written with both care and love. The characters felt very real. Despite the way Alice talked at some point which didn't sound like a girl her age. The final reveal was shocking and I wish you've found a way to prepare us for it somehow. Or leave us some clues so it won't come as such a surprise in the end. I really admire your talent. Very well done.


It's funny you said that b/c I read it a second time for that exact reason.  And he does leave little clues.  If you read it twice and know a thing or 2 about Alice in Wonderland, and the THUDS etc, it begins to make a lot more sense.  

And why Alice is the way she is (no friends, etc)...

That was why I thought this was the best story b/c it was so deep, especially for a OWC.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 13th, 2015, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Chris, Realx, Danc....many thanks for the kind words.

I think a OWC without a typo is just wrong. Everyone should have one  

I'm working on a revised version and hoping to move this forward. Let's hope I can improve it.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DanC
Posted: June 13th, 2015, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Chris, Realx, Danc....many thanks for the kind words.

I think a OWC without a typo is just wrong. Everyone should have one  

I'm working on a revised version and hoping to move this forward. Let's hope I can improve it.


Bill,
    You said elsewhere that you might not make the beginning so slow.  I actually liked the slow burn.  you hook us with the wonder she experiences and the witty banter between them.  I'd take out the N word, but, that's me.

I like the subtle clues you leave in there.  And as I have said, Alice, the real story, was ripe with horrific things that were true.  I agree you should do some minor alterations, but, really, it's damn near perfect as it is.  

I'd imagine a ton of people will want to scoop this up to produce it.  It is THAT good.  

It left a lasting impression on me.  And I hate you for it.  That ending, oh man.  But, I mean that with much love.  Hmmm, I should run for politics...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 14th, 2015, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC


Bill,
    You said elsewhere that you might not make the beginning so slow.  I actually liked the slow burn.  you hook us with the wonder she experiences and the witty banter between them.  I'd take out the N word, but, that's me.

I like the subtle clues you leave in there.  And as I have said, Alice, the real story, was ripe with horrific things that were true.  I agree you should do some minor alterations, but, really, it's damn near perfect as it is.  

I'd imagine a ton of people will want to scoop this up to produce it.  It is THAT good.  

It left a lasting impression on me.  And I hate you for it.  That ending, oh man.  But, I mean that with much love.  Hmmm, I should run for politics...

Dan


Thanks Dan, but the truth is - await the cliche - writing is re writing. This is something I believe in a lot. An average script can be made good, a good script made great etc with a few adjustments and fine tuning. I lost a reader once over just one word and how it was interpretated.

Alice has a great foundation and to some that's fine. But if I can tweak the script to avoid the issues that others felt, then it could be of broader appeal. I want to enter it into competitions so why not make the most of the feedback. Yes, some can be ignored, but other feedback is worth noting.

I'm even toying with an extra scene where we see Alice flying within the clouds, outside of the lift. This conflicts with the self contained nature of the script, but I like this visually. It gives, I hope, more visual understanding of the mental escape. If a producer then wants to drop it, so be it.

Time will tell whether it gets improved. Let's hope I don't cock it up!!



My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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irish eyes
Posted: June 14th, 2015, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent read Bill.

You sir, are a fine writer. It was kinda mysterious the direction you where going, but when you dropped the line "He called it nigger" I had a sense.

Still enjoyed the interaction/dialogue between Jerome and Alice.... the fatherly figure she really needs.

Impressive work my fellow Red... I speak nothing of our season

Mark


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 15th, 2015, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes
Excellent read Bill.

You sir, are a fine writer. It was kinda mysterious the direction you where going, but when you dropped the line "He called it nigger" I had a sense.

Still enjoyed the interaction/dialogue between Jerome and Alice.... the fatherly figure she really needs.

Impressive work my fellow Red... I speak nothing of our season

Mark


Hey Mark,

Many thanks for the read. Much appreciated. Still needs a few tweaks but nice to come up with a script people enjoyed...well perhaps not enjoyed, more appreciated.

Re L'pool - yup disappointing season. Lost of Sturbridge really did us in when we were vulnerable without Suarez. Let's hope they buy better this year, but I feel that the money with take players to richer clubs. And next year no stevie G, and possible sterling,  let's hope Henderson grows into the role. He looked quite sound when I watch him play.

I was up in Liverpool last week. Drive past Goodison park but didn't have time for an anfield diversion.

All the best


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 28th, 2015, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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Anybody want to swap reads?

Ive been working on a new version. The core story remains but there is a fair degree of addition and i could do with an extra pair of eyes, or  two.

If anybody wants to share a read let me know and i can forward the link via PM - I have taken down the the SS script.

cheers


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr

Revision History (1 edits)
Reef Dreamer  -  June 29th, 2015, 3:37am
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DanC
Posted: June 29th, 2015, 2:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Anybody want to swap reads?

Ive been working on a new version. The core story remains but there is a fair degree of addition and i could do with an extra pair of eyes of two.

If anybody wants to share a read let me know and i can forward the link via PM - I have taken down the the SS script.

cheers


Bill, bud, you NEVER have to ask.  Just send it to me.  It was awesome and you're a bud, so, just kick it over.  

I'll shoot you my email, then send it as an attachment.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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ChrisBodily
Posted: June 29th, 2015, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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I forgot to mention in my review that I can totally relate to this story. While I don't get the physical or verbal abuse, I do walk on eggshells. I was raised in a somewhat authoritarian/oppressive manner, though my folks mean well. I relate to Alice's needing to escape from her harsh reality.

Thanks for bringing this script into the world, Bill.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 11th, 2015, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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For those who liked the script, it has been shortlisted for the best movie title at blue cat

I would appreciate a vote if anyone has the chance

Link is...


http://www.bluecatscreenplay.com/blog/2016-movie-title-contest/

Cheers

Folks


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 11th, 2015, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Voted Bill - good luck!

C'mon SSers let's give Bill a boost!!!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
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DaveTroop
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Voted for you, Bill.  Good luck, buddy.
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wonkavite
Posted: September 11th, 2015, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Voted!  Good luck, Bill!  
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Dustin
Posted: September 11th, 2015, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Just got my vote. Good luck.


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Dustin
Posted: September 11th, 2015, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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They didn't ask for any confirmation as to who I was though. I could use something like TOR, change my IP every 5 minutes and keep voting. Without adequate security in place how can we be sure that the winner is the real winner?


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eldave1
Posted: September 11th, 2015, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Done. Good luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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DanC
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 12:50am Report to Moderator
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Done.  Good luck.

Oh, I'm kinda back.  Feeling a bit better!!

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 3:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
They didn't ask for any confirmation as to who I was though. I could use something like TOR, change my IP every 5 minutes and keep voting. Without adequate security in place how can we be sure that the winner is the real winner?


Exactly, that's why I hate these type of things. I see the leader has dramatically changed, so I would guess that a few have got their Facebook groups on to this.

Only reason I posted here is that people had read the script.

Doesn't look like I will make it, but remember .... You can vote again today  


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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LC
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 3:51am Report to Moderator
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Voted!

Btw, what do you win for something like this? Is it just kudos?


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khamanna
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 11:58am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Just saw it and voted.
You don't need to log in for this, right? Hope I did everything right.
Anyway, planning to vote tomorrow as well.
The votes don't look good for you, Reef, though. I guess you're not good at pushing.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 8th, 2016, 4:55am Report to Moderator
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I'm pleased to say this has just made the quarter finals of bluecat

Actually I'm a bit surprised as the feedback I got wasn't the most positive - perhaps this will be as far as it goes


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 8th, 2016, 6:09am Report to Moderator
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Congrats Bill... Fingers crossed for next round!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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SteveClark
Posted: February 8th, 2016, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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Good luck, Bill!


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DanC
Posted: February 8th, 2016, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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I'm shocked.  That story was so damn intense.  Who couldn't appreciate that poor child?  I can easily see a child digging deep to survive what is happening to her.  

The people who read your script are boobs, big ugly saggy boobs!!

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 8th, 2016, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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Well they did send me through, so I can't be too harsh.

Lets be honest, these things are a bit of a lottery. I am sure they can discount a pile of scripts that get entered but fine tuning the top few is going to involve a large dose of opinion and personal preference. But, I like taking part so I've got to roll with the punches


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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eldave1
Posted: February 8th, 2016, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on the quarters - keeping my fingers crossed for you.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevemiles
Posted: February 8th, 2016, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure how much you've changed this in re-writes, could be harder to 'get' removed from the context of the OWC.  All the same, great news on making the quarters -- good luck.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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khamanna
Posted: February 9th, 2016, 8:37am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Oh, so it's Alice that made the quarters! Well deserved and good luck in this round.
Alice is a great story, super dark but in a oh, my great way.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 1st, 2016, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Still in there...

http://www.bluecatscreenplay.com/2016-semi-finalists/

Now down to the last 47 from 2086 entries. Happy with that, even if that's the end of the road. Time will tell.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 1st, 2016, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Great news Bill, got everything crossed!!!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: March 1st, 2016, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Nice.  Fingers crossed.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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eldave1
Posted: March 1st, 2016, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Best of luck - rooting for you


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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irish eyes
Posted: March 1st, 2016, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Good Luck Bill

That was a great script!


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rendevous
Posted: March 1st, 2016, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
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Away

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The last 47? This is frankly typical. You don't see this type of thing happening to my scripts, do you?

No. I suppose it'd be far more likely if I actually entered them. Then again, perhaps not.

On a slightly different note, 47 seems a rather bizarre number. Maybe this a good thing.

Hope it goes much further then I can whine even more.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill - just noticed you're also through to semi-finals of Nashville Film Fest too, congrats!!!

https://nashvillefilmfestival.org/2016-accepted-films/


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 10:24am Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony, thanks for that. I had forgotten about that one so it was a nice surprise this morning.

Alice is having a surreal week.

Ta


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Yep those sort of emails are always pleasant... and we find out if we're finalists within a week too.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Very cool - hoping for the best for both of you.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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hey anthony, sorry i missed you had one in there as well.

best of luck mate, and lets hope at least one of us get through

ill guess both of us are unlikely to get to the festival!!


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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You never know, we're not in the same category at least


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DanC
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Very cool - hoping for the best for both of you.


Agreed.  Knock em dead guys!!


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 23rd, 2016, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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I'm pleased  to report that in Alice's last outing, competition wise, she's the runner up in The Nashville screenplay competition, drama section.

She's done me well, time to hand her over to Janet for STS if she will take her?

I would love to see her filmed, even if the subject matter is tough.

A beautiful girl born at SS., care of the OWC!

Cheers all


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Dustin
Posted: April 23rd, 2016, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Well done... good luck with it.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 23rd, 2016, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Bill!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Grandma Bear
Posted: April 23rd, 2016, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Congratulations! I remember the script clearly.  


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DanC
Posted: April 23rd, 2016, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Congratulations! I remember the script clearly.  


I don't think anyone who read it can actually ever forget it!!  In a good way...

Yes, the subject matter is harsh, but, OMG I just got an idea as I wrote that.  

Okay focus, then diverge....

It would make a great script and will certainly shed a few tears.

BILL,
I have an idea, perhaps the first one ever....  Be nice people....

Okay, why don't you contact abuse companies.  They might be interested in doing it b/c it is such a wonderful piece.  And I can think that anyone who has been abused (if shown that video) might show signs and perhaps your video can save one person from further abuse in schools.  It could be a great psychology piece.  They are looking for stuff like that.  

And psychologically speaking, the story is accurate.  I don't know if you saw Inside Out, but, psychologically speaking, that was extremely accurate too.  Sorry, I got side-tracked again.  Damn meds...  I am legally high....

Okay, back now, If you want some help in locating places that deal with abused children that might have the funds to create this wonderful story.  

Best of luck on this
Oh, and congrats bud.  You're a very solid writer!!

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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Thanks all

I think Alice is probably my high tide mark in term of quality, so its nice to see her successful.

I have now added a link to the latest draft.

It's a funny one, i would love to see it filmed, but then again I'm not sure i would want to watch it !!!


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Warren
Posted: August 12th, 2016, 4:59am Report to Moderator
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Based on something DanC said about this in the upcoming OWC thread I decided to give this a read.

WOW, WOW, WOW.

This script is a thing of beauty. In my approximately 3 months on SS I have read about 70 shorts. This is hands down the best.

This is going to stick with me for awhile.

I literally had goosebumps.

If there is anyone who hasn't read this, do yourself a favour and read it immediately.

Just WOW!


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Shaka Comic Book

All Things Shaka

Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  August 12th, 2016, 6:10am
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khamanna
Posted: August 12th, 2016, 5:17am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I absolutely agree with you, Warren. This is one of absolutely the best shorts out of the ones I read.
I also would recommend the shark entry by Marnie Mitchel Lister. That one stuck with me as well. It's not intense, but it's something very very good. Look for the shark OWC - it's not the elevator OWC. And the entry was the writer's choice for the OWC.
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Warren
Posted: August 12th, 2016, 6:12am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Khamanna. I'll look out for that one.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Shaka Comic Book

All Things Shaka
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 12th, 2016, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Warren for the kind words. I am very proud of Alice and doubt I will write another one which packs such a punch.

The version you read wasn't quite the one that entered the OWC, as I added the external scene, but it is the version that almost won Nashville, Bluecat etc

And..... ITS AVAILABLE TO FILM.... Hint hint

Joking side I have always hoped this would be filmed as its largely two people in one location. The external scene could be adapted. I could even see the opening and the music to use, with 'consent of course ('burn the witch' by Radiohead, if you care to know) but so far no takers. I discussed it with one producer but it's the kind of script that you must 'want' to film. A bit dark for most.

And its ... AVAILABLE to film. Ahem.

Let's see what this OWC throws up as, like that challenge, it is a very contained location.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DanC
Posted: August 12th, 2016, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

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Quoted from Warren
Based on something DanC said about this in the upcoming OWC thread I decided to give this a read.

WOW, WOW, WOW.

This script is a thing of beauty. In my approximately 3 months on SS I have read about 70 shorts. This is hands down the best.

This is going to stick with me for awhile.

I literally had goosebumps.

If there is anyone who hasn't read this, do yourself a favour and read it immediately.

Just WOW!


Do I know how to pick them or what?

Yeah, when I read this, I was BLOWN away.  I almost cried and was right there with the little girl.  Bill really wrote a classic.

I just wish it'd get filmed and get hooked up with abused children.  You might not make money going that route (other then the "standard fees), but, the influence that filmed story might give you in the abused world would be something close to immortal, at least IMO.

Thanks for reading all of the other comments and taking a chance on something that I said.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Warren
Posted: August 12th, 2016, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Bill, I'm currently pointing someone in your direction, won't say more than that but here's hoping. Be so good to see this made. Have you ever thought about producing it yourself?

DanC, not a problem. It was just fantastic and the ending, I know what you mean about being right there, I just wanted to take her hand.

Chilling stuff.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Shaka Comic Book

All Things Shaka
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