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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - OWC
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  Author    The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - OWC  (currently 9334 views)
Simon
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Just realised that Alice is very intelligent for a 10 year old, imagining that kind of language. You might want to point that out, or maybe make her older.


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Simon
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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Woops, someone pointed that out, already.


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Iancou
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
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From a technical aspect, this is well done. Disturbing subject matter, but if the script grabs the audience, that is successful writing. Good work.


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c m hall
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I think this is an intriguing story and a marvelous effort for a OWC, I hope to see a revision if one is available. The characters could be memorable and the story has the makings of a true classic, I think, so I offer some criticism in the spirit that this script might be, in fact, great.

It's possible that by creating so much mystery in the opening pages (at least this reader had trouble understanding what was going on) the most important element, the character of Alice, is made contradictory and unclear.

IMHO the audience would accept much of the world in Alice's elevator as it has been presented but, for me, when Alice asks Jerome "So (are you) like my servant?" -- it felt false, not unreal, just false -- what I mean is that the willing suspension of my disbelief failed me and the story went back to being a story instead of (what it had the makings of, for me) an intriguing puzzle from which I could not turn away.

It's a jolt in the drama's development, it might be exactly what is needed at that moment and it might be entirely successful for the story's development, for me it was an unwanted distraction.

Further difficulty I had...

We are given enough information about Alice from the beginning to know that she's in great distress, there are frightening noises outside and the elevator shakes -- the atmosphere of increasing terror is beautifully created -- my thought is that either Alice is accustomed to breaks in the horror of her life (such as receiving magical visitors) or not, in which case I wonder why her first words to him weren't a plea for help, whoever or whatever he was.  This, again, was a distraction for me.  

The action in the ending is very intense and successful, I think.

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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 4th, 2015, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice

Okay, I believe you have your information yet.

So, I just would add here that I can imagine tightening and polishing it to a 9 minutes script could make it "even" more intense, fantastic and fanciful (as it already is; and it is) AND guide us sooner to the disturbing truth and extraordinary message of your script.

Important to film. Yep.



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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I wasn't involved in the OWC, but decided to read this due to the praise.

The ending is powerful and disturbing.

I found the opening paragraph confusing. The next 8 pages I found quite a grind to read. Visually there is little going on, I think on screen it would be very dull indeed. Ultimately, I think this script will be better served by ditching the elevator..it served its purpose for the confines of the OWC...it would be better to see something more interesting in the rewrite. It was also very expositional. Unavoidable, maybe, but it lacked conflict and therefore, interest, for me.

The ending, whilst powerful, felt somewhat manipulative. Child rape is a pretty difficult subject to deal with, I'm sure. It did feel like you'd just picked the most disturbing thing you could think of in order to shock. For my tastes, there could have been a more subtle way of dealing with it, focussing more on sadness and empathy rather than the sheer horror...but that is a matter of subjective taste.

It was certainly memorable,

Rick.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Update: Having read the comments, I would definitely agree with Pia and suggest toning down the violence of the father. That would be more realistic, and reduce the feeling that the story is trying too hard to manipulate our emotions.
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bert
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Read through this first, then looked back at the comments.

It is not overwritten for me.  I would discount those comments.

I would echo those who say the early pages could benefit from more clarity.  I kind of get what you are going for, but I had a difficult time visualizing exactly what you meant.  You call it a sheet, then a tent, all within the context of some "unknown person".  Some descriptive tweaks here would not be inappropriate.

While I enjoyed the conversations between Alice and Jerome quite a bit, I would play with the thought of having Alice know exactly where she is.  I mean, we assume her unfortunate situation has been going on for some time, and this is her first visit to the elevator?  It would also make the end more poignant.

I would only play with that idea, though.  It is a significant change that may not work as well as what you've got, and if it doesn't, then abandon that comment.  I only mention it as a possible spin on the material you've already got, which works fine on its own terms.  I found the dialogue charming throughout.

On page 9, you plunge the elevator into darkness, which seems an odd choice, and quite difficult to film once you've done it.  Might I suggest a harsh red light, or perhaps the spinning light of a siren or something like that?  A change like that would help impart a clear change in tone while also serving as a device that is far more visual.

And about that ending.  Like a few others, I think you are overselling it.  The slap, the command to SCREAM -- calling her an f'ing bitch -- it is just too much.  We get it, and it feels like you are carrying it over the top a bit, while losing a bit of dignity in the process.  Less is more here, IMO.  Suggest the menace without being so explicit and you'll get more mileage out of it.

The final image of the hand-holding is so powerful, and I think it speaks volumes without the additional dialogue from Jerome.  I see it as a quiet moment.

It is a very nice piece of work, however, no doubt about that.  I suspect you already know you've got something special here.  Room for improvement, yes, but the foundation is very solid.

And like a few others, I question the name Alice, which draws immediate comparisons to another story -- unless those comparisons are intentional.  Then don't worry about it.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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JSimon
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with all of Bert's notes...except the part about her knowing. The best type of mental escape is where you actually forget where you're escaping from. The only problem is eventually you have to go back and the horror is more horrible to you because it's new again. Still, a full escape is best, and having her know what is going on might be problematic to show and might ruin the mystery for the audience. Just my penny's worth.
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Dustin
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:26am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Well done Bill, another of my recommends. With some tightening in the beginning this could be a 10 out of 10. I really enjoy quite a bit of your work.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
This is my favorite so far, easily gets a recommend from me. An outstanding mashup of tone and imagery.

The child holds its breath, tries to keep quiet.

I'm not 100% on the author, and it's little details like this that are chilling to me. If I'm right about who wrote this, I'll say this - you're straight up lethal with a keyboard.

Great work writer, you writing inspires me.


Thanks everyone - i have had some lovely comments and suggestions. It's been great to watch how many have appreciated Alice which quite frankly i thought was a major risk. But in the panic of writing at least something we don't always have time for a fall back - well i don't.

i'll come back in more detail later,  as i would appreciate folks thoughts on the tweaks i need to make, but i just wanted to give a big thanks to Johnny for this very kind post - above - which made my day. Others also followed with lovely feedback and reflections. It's been a special OWC for me.

Elevator - i appreciate some thought this was shoehorned in. However, i can confirm it was written for this challenge and had more elevator stuff in there - including a button that only went up ! - but i needed to tighten it and that was lost in the final cut.

The reason, i think, that this story came to me was that the elevator came across to me as a place to transport oneself. in that moment i thought of a child trying to transport themselves out of a difficult situation using the lift. A mental running away, or hiding place. hey presto.

Since she can not get away, we believe, she needs an imaginary devise to do so. She doesn't consciously realise this, but that's often the case with the abused.

Having finished the first draft my wife pointed out the parallels with a psychological disorder called, Disassociation identity Disorder. This is a coping mechanism that the abused often use to distance themselves from such an event(s). Christine Beauchamp was an early case study in this.

Back later

thanks all


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Max
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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Cool shit Reef.

Top top entry.


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rendevous
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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I think I was somewhat harsh on yours. As I was a bit put out with using the name Alice, I know that Lewis story a bit too well. It put me off. The vast majority didn't seem as bothered as I was. I'll revisit this soon. I know you wait with bated breath.

One day soon I'll be able to stump up the money for dinner as well. If things are going well, we may even be able to supersize.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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JSimon
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Good work, Bill.
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Stumpzian
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Was a recommend for me.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Having finished the first draft my wife pointed out the parallels with a psychological disorder called, Disassociation identity Disorder. This is a coping mechanism that the abused often use to distance themselves from such an event(s). Christine Beauchamp was an early case study in this.


Your wife's observation was on the money in regard to disassociation. Didn't know about Christine Beauchamp. I like that you used her name as the author.

Henry




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