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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Saturn Method - OWC
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  Author    The Saturn Method - OWC  (currently 5421 views)
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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The Saturn Method by John Robbins & Steven Clark writing as  - Short, Comedy - On an elevator, a sleazy underdog rivals a professional "pick-up artist" in a battle of egos. 14 pages - pdf, format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 4th, 2015, 1:52pm
revised draft
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Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Killing villains since 1980!

Buffalo NY
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That was a lot of stuff for a setup for a joke.

No spoilers, I promise.  But, it appeared to me that the entire gist of the story was to set up that ending.

It was a pretty fast easy read, but, eh, I just didn't care for it.

It was corny, but, not corny in a good way.  It seemed a bit forced.


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Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Southern California
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The first two pages are set no where near an elevator - or a building for that matter.

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Pale Yellow
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe it's me but I'm starting out confused on this one. First he's in the elevator watching informercials then he's not in the elevator. Gaps like this take me out of a story real fast. Then that Ava park scene in between. What was that? I thought the challenge was IN an elevator?

Then a large part of this feels like talking heads...talking for no reason. I'm sorry ...tried...bailing about half way through this...

... but it's good on you for writing 12 pages. Good job completing an OWC.
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Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:37pm Report to Moderator

English, self taught comedy writer

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Funny, but maybe a bit of a cliched story about picking up women? I liked it, though. A very small criticism, but I thought the 'tasty potato salad' line was a bit silly. If you deleted the word 'tasty', it would be less silly, in my opinion. I'm impressed you wrote this within a week.

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Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Action speaks louder...

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That was good. The best so far. Well orchestrated, well told.

8 out of 10.

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Posted: May 24th, 2015, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Down Under
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Another one this breaks the location requirements? I read the comments first so will leave it

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Posted: May 25th, 2015, 8:53am Report to Moderator

Southeastern United States
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Okay, point taken on the first few comments, however, it was elevator focused for the most part and was well-written considering the short time given to write it. However, with more time to polish the piece, there could be something to it and easy to film with minimal cost.

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Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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This was a fantastic read but I thought we were restricted to the elevator only? I know it's an infomercial on a phone but I thought even stuff like that would be against the rules... which is why I didn't use flashbacks in my script and scrapped an original idea I had.

CITY PARK is another location, it's another scene header... and not in or around the elevator.

The majority of the script does take place in the elevator but for me... it's kind of outside the rules of the challenge... so was Great White.

That being said, arguably the best entry I've read so far.

It's a smooth, slick piece of work... props.

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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 11:36am Report to Moderator

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Congrats on entering contest!

Kind of corny story but maybe some guys would find it funny.  Written okay and the "twist" wasn't that surprising but it worked.  HORNBALLS?  Of course I know what you mean, but should always make things clear in your script.  Did Bryan pull out his junk in the elevator?  Is that considered a spoiler?  Sorry.  Again, not for me but that doesn't mean it isn't good.  Good luck with it.

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Posted: May 26th, 2015, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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The start of this - the Saturn commercial isn't needed. It's clearly established Bryan is a fan of this dating guru personality. Having Bryan already in the elevator while the commercial plays on his phone which he's seen many times - would take about a minute. It doesn't quite work. That said, my eyes rolled a little at the "bet" premise of the story. Such tropes risk that the story gets too contrived. Another problem with the premise is more than obvious - Saturn is very popular on You Tube so he says. Since none of the women seem to know him, this claim is suspect. (Note: he is an ACTOR in a commercial) Later, the mention of cinematography brings me out a little, as it reminds me this is a film I'm not including the use of called shots, but you want to watch that too.

Also, the story is played for laughs. That works against you, because while the premise is sexist and both our male leads are sleazy, "Candy" stops by with her tales of woe and I'm like "drug addiction? rape? torture? This is funny?

Quoted Text
Such a tragic virus.

Autism isn't a virus. It is a developmental disorder. Meg's reaction, therefore, isn't true since she would know this.(and that's not all -why would Meg put in her phone number on Saturn's phone while he clearly has his wedding band on?)

Bryan exposes himself to Veronica. Ha Ha Ha! She gives him her phone number! Ha Ha Ha! Excuse the mess, I'm about to hurl.

Candy gets busted. We discover that she and Saturn have a scam going on. She also DOES have a dominatrix gig on the side - just keep it to the scam)  I suppose it might be something if all the women were in on it which would explain why they come off as airheads.

Symbols, shorthand and/or abbreviations - never been a fan of these in scripts. $ and # mean absolutely nothing in scripts but just an excessive bit of typing. In dialog symbols aren't spoken either so they aren't needed.

Very juvenile, lazy and without substance.
Characters are cardboard and cliched.

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Posted: May 26th, 2015, 5:43am Report to Moderator

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Not really feeling the comedy or appreciating the jokes. Sorry.
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Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:51am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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I don’t’ know about anyone else but I’m finding it fascinating reading the comments on each of these. Each entry has such a broad spectrum of reactions; from ‘best thing ever’ to ‘worst thing I’ve ever read’ and everything in between. It really does show a lot of it is down to personal opinion.

This particular sleazy tale left me with every reaction. Parts of it I really liked and found amusing. Then you’d lose me and I’d be wanting to bail, but then you’d pull me back in with a line like ‘Blondes overruled.  There's no evidence to support they're more promiscuous.’ Lol!

As soon as Red entered the elevator I knew where the story was heading so overall it didn’t work for me but parts of it did…and then parts of it didn’t and then parts of it did…etc…etc..

I’m confused.


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Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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This one left me cool.  The infomercial seemed a waste of time.  The battle these two engage in is a bit juvenile, and the bimbos in the elevator don't seem to have much personality.  And these two get the cues right every time.  Hmmm, does it work that way in real life?  Maybe for Sherlock, but I would prefer they get it wrong and lose but have to keep trying.  The redhead's scam doesn't work for me.  It's pretty lame, and these airheads fall for it...nope.  I understand this is a one week write, so there is some fudge room.  It would work better if they failed, and if they got played better.

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Posted: May 26th, 2015, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry didn't work for me though some of the banter was okay.

I think this only works as funny if the techniques Saturn and Bryan use are actually clever, they're not and it relies on them meeting completely stupid (and unrealistic) women.

Last line about Redheads did raise a smile,


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