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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  I'll Be Seeing You - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    I'll Be Seeing You - May OWC  (currently 369 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I'll Be Seeing You by Gary Howell (Gary Howell) writing as Jimmy Durante - Short, Drama - A man vows to bring his wife home from a nursing home in the midst of a deadly pandemic. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Writer's Choice, May 2020 OWC


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 4th, 2020, 10:21pm
revised draft
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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Nice sweet and sad story well told. I don't have anything to complain about other than it moved too quickly at the end. Maybe you ran out of pages? Annie was wheeled out of the room and next he has the urn. You need something in between there, IMO.

Great job.  


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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
. In the B.G., a TV announcer drones on about the latest COVID-19 news.


Not familiar with the B.G so I didnít know what you were talking about.

The writing is really solid.

A poignant tale here. A string entry. Nice work.

If I had to make one change I would add multiple visits as his wife slowly fades away. I know you're limited in pages for this one - that is really just food for thought if you have a 2nd draft.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Bayne
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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A heart breaking tale. Well written and grounded. Despite not knowing much about Henry, you present him with enough empathy and conviction that the details of his relationship with Annie are not needed.  

The one thing that I would change would be the nurses rolling Annie away while Henry is singing. It came off as a bit melodramatic in an otherwise grounded story. Could be more effective if he shows up the next morning and she's gone, then you could pick up with him banging on the front door and talking with Joanna from there.

That being said, this is still a very solid entry. Nice work.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah very sad, depressing, but I loved the story though. Everythingís working as far as I'm concerned.  Canít help but think this is coming from personal experience. Would certainly keep reading If it were longer.  Nothing more I want to add. Great job.-A


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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LC
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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Jeez, no happy endings or comedic great escapes here!

Just personal preference I suppose. I wanted him to get her outta there, and not just in an urn. So depressing.
The same story is perfect for some wheelchair-escape physical comedy imho.

Well written.
...

Too many people dying in nursing homes at the moment and no visitors allowed, so resonant and topical for sure.


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ajr
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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No comment on the writing, definitely competently written, and pulls at the heartstrings. I have a personal connection to his, living in the area where this piece is set, and having a relative in a facility at the moment.

Not much "unfolds" here, but it's sweet, poignant, and definitely hits home. Captures the suffering of not being able to see our loved ones. I think this thing has proved that video is not enough, and that we need human interaction to survive.

Love the title and the tie-in to Henry singing the song.

Well done.

AJR


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spesh2k
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Wow, this was really sad, really tugged at the heart strings, especially with him singing to her from outside. Very heartbreaking.

My only complaint really is at the end, he gets that fateful phone call... then the next scene, he's bringing her home in an urn (very sad BTW). I'm not sure if this needed a scene in between or not... but I think just a longer, more drawn out transition. Maybe a FADE TO BLACK... then a FADE IN. Or something to show that a few days or so have passed (not necessarily a title card to indicate how much time has passed).

Really nice work, here.

PAGE 1:


Quoted Text
Henry pulls his beat up Cadillac into a parking spot. The
facility looks like itís seen better days as well.

Henry proceeds to the entrance, and tries to open the front
door, but itís locked. A sign in the middle of the door
reads: ďFOR THE SAFETY OF OUR RESIDENTS, NO VISITORS ALLOWED.
NO EXCEPTIONS.Ē

Henryís shoulders droop. He shuffles back to the car. He
contemplates driving away, but then gets out and opens the
trunk.


Just a nitpick -- I know there wasn't much time to revise/rewrite -- and this is probably just a personal preference in regards to the actual writing. But, to me, starting each new action block with "Henry" feels a little repetitive and robotic.

PAGE 4:


Quoted Text
Henry moves as quickly as his unsteady legs will take him to
the front entrance. When he gets there, he POUNDS
continuously on the glass door entrance.


Should probably start a new scene heading here.


-- Michael


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Rob
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done. This is a very moving piece. It was devastating to see the woman moved off as her husband sang outside. All the notes rang true with me. Very effective. You can feel good about this one.
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PedroS
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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Dear writer, thank you for sharing your story.
I really enjoyed this one. Although the end was at some point quite clear did you cover it in such a lovely way. Great work, my friend. Keep on.
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 4:01am Report to Moderator
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Man, this one is sad. It for sure strung the chords in my heart.

It is written beautifully, specially the dialogs. Seriously, when Henry started singing for Annie, I melted right there.

I felt that dialog where Henry mentioned their kids and grandkids, was a bit long. But sighting the emotional weight the story has, it was nice.

I could nit-pick a few typos here and there but fuck it. The story is pure at it's core dealing with emotions.

For an old person, nothing is devastating then the lose of their life-long beloved ones.

Carry on, brother.

Looking forward to more of your work.

Good luck.



Revision History (1 edits)
Yuvraj  -  May 18th, 2020, 9:43am
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Good work.

Sentimental, but it plays nicely into the theme and situation the world is experiencing.

The coming back in an urn actually surprised me when that was a likely option - didnít see it coming.

I think you can play around with the ending, there are various options to make the most out of it

Why was a photo taken - donít recall it having any meaning

Well done


My scripts †HERE

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Gary Howell
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hits the three "S's" hard.  Sweet, sad, sentimental.  Really plays into the issues that are arising at nursing homes during the pandemic and makes you hurt not only for Henry, but all the families that are having to deal with this type of situation all around the world.

Enjoyed this a great deal.  If there's anything I would maybe have added, it would be some connection at the beginning to the song he sings later.  So maybe he's shuts off the TV and turns on a stereo, and that song is playing, and it reminds him of Annie.  Or maybe he sings it to her picture before he leaves the house to go see her.

Overall though, good job here.  Best of luck.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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Spqr
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent story. Henry is an admirable character, and his devotion to his wife is endearing.
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done. Hits hard.

Two nits: I'd recommend dropping the taking of the photo. It plays no role that I can see. And, I was thrown out of the story just a bit by the nurses and doctor basically ignoring him singing outside the window. It's a cold reaction that feels out of place. I think they'd actually roll her closer to the window for a moment, before taking her from the room. Which might even make a powerful moment even more powerful.

Good job.


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