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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  The Essentials - May OWC - Directory Query Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    The Essentials - May OWC - Directory Query   (currently 599 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Essentials by Masked Taxi Driver - Short, Drama, Crime - Currently out of work due to the city-wide lockdown, Cameron, struggling to support his family, decides to knock off a local corner grocery. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


**************

Don's edit.  This script received a query request by a director.  The writer has been notified.




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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 22nd, 2020, 3:28pm
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JEStaats
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done. I really enjoyed this story with its little twists and turns. Good job, writer.

Some of the formatting I found distracting and unnecessary. No need to have the title card included; it just took away from the read. And kinda funky title page too with the large out-of-spec font. You don't want eyes to roll before people ever read a word of your story.

That said, I still really like this. Good stuff.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Ah right, only thing is I wouldn’t throw Cameron in the logline.  Maybe keep it generic going forward. JMHO. You've got a nice writing style... easy to read, which is always a super plus. It flows  well.  Seen the twist coming, but still enjoyable.  Not going to nit-pick. Sorry for the useless notes.-A




"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is top-notch for the most part. Crisp - clean - clear.

I wouldn't waste the space on a Title Card


Quoted Text
A SHOPPING LIST - Written in black-ink: MILK. BREAD. EGGS. Among other essentials.


Think you need a comma after eggs, not a period.


Quoted Text
As the MASKED CASHIER bags the groceries.


I'd give us something in terms of description here. Gender? Age?


Quoted Text
In the background, about a block behind them, there’s a commotion in front of the sore they just knocked off.


Store – not sore.

A good one - nice complete story with an arc.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Rob
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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A crisp tale of desperation and murder. I like the different levels of robber--Cameron just wants some groceries, but runs into a more serious robber. It was also a good idea to open and close with an essential worker--one trying to do right and the other operating as a pure criminal.

When I initially read it, I thought the Masked Robber was another random robber that had stepped into the store. I didn't realize until later that he was with the guy behind the counter. I was actually kind of intrigued by that possibility. What if two guys with guns were in a standoff and another armed man walked in?

Is it possible that we could see a little more of the shopkeeper who was killed? What if he is not fully dead and is able to plead a little for his life? That might make his death even more gut-wrenching. Just a thought.

Cool script. Good luck.

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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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Written well in an easy way to follow and get through.

I liked how the story gets worse, and worse, and worse. Not in a story telling way, but how things play out.

Dark humor which I like. If there was no humor, I would have slammed this for being so unrealistic, but this way it works.

A few typos on page 4.

Great job! I enjoyed the ride.


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Gary Howell
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this story – pretty clever twists, although the last one with the cab driver might have been a little too convenient. Still, it was a fun, quick read.  Solid dialogue and action sequences combined with the plot twists make for a very good effort here.

I know you’re going to get reamed by others for the title page thing, which is really the director’s call, so just leave those out in the future.  Didn’t bother me, but I know how others are sticklers for that kind of thing.

Best of luck.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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ajr
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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So I was waiting for someone to use the masks in a crime drama...

This is very Tarantino-esque, in the shuffling of one person's arc to another, and in the escalating violence.

Not sure if it could be filmed safely in this current environment - are people still taking taxis in NY? I honestly don't know the answer; I know the subways are running and that's not the place to be at the moment.

This left me more sad than anything, as Howard and Cameron, the two decent people in this story, are the ones that die.  Definitely an allegory for risking your life during the pandemic.

Very well-written and compliments to you on the plot turns.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 6:01am Report to Moderator
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Well written with a nice story. This goes on to show a horrid example of tit for tat. Or more properly put, that karma's a bitch.

Few typos spotted.


Quoted Text

In the background, about a block behind them, there’s a commotion in front of the sore they just knocked off.


It's store not sore.


Quoted Text

MASKED CASHIER
(into phone)
Hey, baby, I’ll be home in a little bit.


I think it should be little while not little bit.

Overall a solid story about Karma.

Good luck.


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LC
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj
I think it should be little while not little bit. ...


I usually try to restrain myself from commenting on other's comments but...

I feel the need to correct you on this Yuvraj, cause I notice you giving this same feedback on more than one script and it's incorrect.

Dialogue is just that. It's how a character talks.

More importantly, it's the writer's invention. He or she decides the character's voice, how his or her characters speak.

If the character has bad grammar, that's part of the character.



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Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC


I usually try to restrain myself from commenting on other's comments but...

I feel the need to correct you on this Yuvraj, cause I notice you giving this same feedback on more than one script and it's incorrect.

Dialogue is just that. It's how a character talks.

More importantly, it's the writer's invention. He or she decides the character's voice, how his or her characters speak.

If the character has bad grammar, that's part of the character.



Sorry to disagree.

But if something's wrong it is wrong. And especially grammar.

There is no easy escape by just saying that this how your character speaks.

But again, art is subjective.


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spesh2k
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Sorry to disagree.

But if something's wrong it is wrong. And especially grammar.

There is no easy escape by just saying that this how your character speaks.

But again, art is subjective.


Opinions are opinions, but if something isn't wrong, it's highly incorrect to say it is.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/a%20little%20bit


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THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

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Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k


Opinions are opinions, but if something isn't wrong, it's highly incorrect to say it is.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/a%20little%20bit


Thank you, Michel.

It is correct. My apologizes.


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spesh2k
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Thank you, Michel.

It is correct. My apologizes.


*shrugs*

It's all good, man. But if the writer of this is new to screenwriting or kinda just starting out, it's probably best we don't misinform them.

-- Michael


MY FEATURE FILMS:

THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

RAGE (coming late 2020/early 2021) - https://vimeo.com/402447622

Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
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Yuvraj
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Quoted from spesh2k


*shrugs*

It's all good, man. But if the writer of this is new to screenwriting or kinda just starting out, it's probably best we don't misinform them.

-- Michael


*sighs*

I didn't do it intentionally. I respect art and the people involved in it.

Thanks again.


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