SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 4th, 2020, 4:20pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Writer's Tournament is on!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Short Fuse - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Short Fuse - May OWC  (currently 517 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 10:40am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13846
Posts Per Day
1.95
Short Fuse by L. Chambers (LC) writing as Pandemically Motivated - Short, Dramedy - A young man believing himself to be on the brink of greatness has his dreams crushed when Covid-19 strikes. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 26th, 2020, 8:21am
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
Grandma Bear
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6788
Posts Per Day
1.50
I liked this one. Liked the writing. Loved the characters and the story was great too. I have nothing to add. It works as is.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 28
_ghostwriters
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1021
Posts Per Day
0.25
A couple of thoughts, for whatever they're worth:

Overall, I think this is pretty strong. Good dialogue.. I was able to follow this without any problems.  If it's dramedy - sometimes I'm not even sure what dramedy means but it often seems to be a confusion between black humor and satire or an action comedy with not enough action and not enough comedy.   Some of the funnier moments were with Judy.

Ghost



"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 28
spesh2k
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
747
Posts Per Day
0.17
This was really good. I enjoyed the characters and especially enjoyed Toby's unique arch. When you flash to certain clues of what Toby's aspirations were, it was genuinely surprising. And I did become worried... even at the end, I was like "uh-oh"... but then I was hit with another, more satisfying surprise. Very nice work.

-- Michael


MY FEATURE FILMS:

THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

RAGE (coming late 2020/early 2021) - https://vimeo.com/402447622

Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 28
eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5803
Posts Per Day
2.68
Nice work.

For me, the therapist needs to be throttled down just a notch. There were times where she came off cartoonish - you don't need that and I think it is a hiccup to the genuine thread of your story.

I'd also lose the cigarette - that ain't happening in 2020 (indoor office smoking)


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 28
MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 5:25am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
1710
Posts Per Day
0.65
Fantastic - A great message to the world about change told in a simple, yet effective manner.

Well done! I'd like to see this one made and sent out to the world.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 28
ajr
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1362
Posts Per Day
0.35
I thought the psychotherapist was over-the-top but other than that I liked the idea, the messaging, the tension, and I laughed when Toby fell over trying to do yoga. Nice job!

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 6 - 28
khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3517
Posts Per Day
0.89
haha, nice. It was very entertaining.
I don't know if he's planning to invent a vaccine now but that was very very good.
I laughed actually.
It should go under a comedy I think.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 28
Arundel
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Las Vegas, Nevada
Posts
159
Posts Per Day
0.36
Thought it had more of a serious tone, aside from the psychiatrist. It had me generally worried at the end. The buildup was good and I suppose some of the conversation implying his terrorist leanings were done in a humorous way. Title fit.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 28
Fais85
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 4:03am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
115
Posts Per Day
0.24
I liked this one a lot. The dialogues were nice. Loved Toby's character arc. The ending was very satisfying.  

Pretty well-written.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 28
Yuvraj
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 5:35am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


COUP DE GRACE

Location
Down the lane
Posts
196
Posts Per Day
1.06
Just a few suggestions,

On the title page, no need to write the copyright statement. It leaves an impression on the reader that the writer is possessive and sorta boasting in a sense. Especially, writing for a contest/challenge, it is good practice.

And even if you were to write it, you should write it at the extreme bottom of the title page.


Quoted Text
SERIES OF SHOTS:

- In the KITCHEN, Toby takes batches of banana muffins from the oven. Breathes in their fresh-baked scent.

- In the LOUNGE ROOM, a Youtubeepisode of Yoga with Adrieneplays on a big-screen TV - Toby tries awkwardly to adopt a downward-dog pose, falls over.

- IN THE BEDROOM, Toby, pen poised over a notepad.A blank page below the heading reads: GRATEFULNESS JOURNAL.


Instead of 'series of shots', write 'quick montage' or simply 'montage'.

Quoted Text

JUDY
But that’d be BS. Lemme guess... You was always a high achiever. Before all this you was at the top of your game. You were going to set the world on fire, am I right?


I think it should be you were always a high achiever.

Overall a nice story.

Good luck.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 28
Gary Howell
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 7:49am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Texas
Posts
950
Posts Per Day
0.34
Okay, damn you for making me like a story about an ISIS devotee! This is really a nicely done tale of a potential terrorist with no one to terrorize, and how he copes with the situation.  A lot of  humor to be mined (ha!) from that and you did a good job with it.

I'm was on the fence about the therapist.  I think she was almost too over the top for the tone you were originally going for in the story, but I think it worked out okay.  And the ending was especially a great turn, although mortar rounds as fireworks? Not sure that they would explode in the air since that's not their purpose, but that's just nitpicking.  Overall, great job.  Best of luck.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 28
PKCardinal
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Kansas
Posts
754
Posts Per Day
0.81
I thought this was excellent.

The therapist character was definitely riding the edge. But, you're writing a dramedy, so you needed the comedy to come from somewhere. And, I'm not sure this works if the therapist is played straight. So, in the end, I think that was probably a good call.

Well done.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 28
JEStaats
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 11:20am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1027
Posts Per Day
0.72
Thank you for not going down the path I thought you were going to take. Loved this - great job. Loved the L.I. accent and making this feel real. Jersey-born, here.

Nothing much else to say. Nicely done and thanks for entering!

EDIT: So I just went back and read the reviews of others and was surprised to see that peeps thought the therapist was a little over the top. Come on, people, she's an online/internet psychoanalyst doing skype therapy from Long Island! Spot on. Don't change a thing. And this is not my entry, either.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 28
Rob
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
36
Posts Per Day
0.06
I'm a big fan of Judy. "Snaffle" and "piffle" are excellent words to add to my vocabulary. A nice contrast between characters in this one.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 28
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    May, 2020 Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006