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Blind Justice - May2 (currently 431 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 10:25am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16448 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Blind Justice by Marnie Mitchell (mmmarnie) writing as Zane Blue - Short, Crime - Thinking he's gotten away with murder, a man realizes there is more than one type of justice. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - June 10th, 2021, 11:45am | | |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 11:20am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Hi Writer
Don't know why, but I loved this description "whatever Wade used to be, he�s not anymore."
Revenge is better than justice, eh. Excellent writing, felt like I was there amongst it all. The story was ok, not terrible, but not fantastic. The train station wasn't exactly pivotal to the story, won't be marking it down just wish it was put to better use. I think period pieces are notoriously expensive, maybe a more modern setting would be appropriate from a budget perspective.
The object, however, where was the body part? was it the ommission of a body part? (the missing eyes)
Well done, regardless. |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 11:39am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Supers should always go after some action block when fading in. i.e., what are you superimposing over?
Dug the vibe of this. The body part didn't really drive the story - but it was close enough for me.
Appreciated seeing an old western in this challenge. Kudos |
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Pleb |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 12:06pm |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Some pretty decent writing here. Atmospheric, visual, and nicely paced...
My only gripe is the ending left me wanting more. Not sure exactly what, but the pay off didn't feel like it was worthy of what came before it.
Still, it's a pretty solid piece. |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 12:40pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
While it does have a train and a body part, there's no way in can be done on a low budget. Wade and Biggs also seem out of place in a period piece. Wade acts like a spoiled frat boy and Biggs a frustrated psychologist. Mainly, though, taking Wade out to a train station so the prostitutes can pop his eyeballs in an out-of-the-way place just doesn't seem logical. |
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Andrew |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 1:46pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1791 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Like the logline on this one.
It's a strong piece, and all put together very nicely.
My main two gripes that cropped up:
- Some of the dialogue felt a little contemporary (could just be me) - The dream sequence read a little awkwardly
I do wonder if this should be something more of a public lynching; something of a secret for the whole town. Gives it something of a Wicker Man complicity for the community. |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 5:14pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
This was pretty good. Made me think of "Unforgiven", at least the prostitute aspect of it. This could've done without the dream sequence. I think it needs to be made more clear that the prostitutes will be executing their own brand of justice. As of now, I didn't really see them as dangerous or threatening to Wade. All we see is them on horses, no weapons or anything. So, when we hear Wade screaming, I didn't really believe it as much.
Still, good effort.
-- Michael |
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Zack |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:26pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4502 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
SUPER should be OVER BLACK, or after the scene heading. Otherwise very tightly written. Think you nailed the challenge as well. Eyeballs are body parts, after all. Great work here. Love this one. |
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LC |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 8:28pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7636 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
One could argue the location is incidental here.
Eyes are body parts, and considering the crime and Wade's comeuppance I think it was pivotal to plot.
Very nicely written.
Loved this line:
There’s more than one type of justice, Wade. Sometimes our own mind can be the worst prison of all.
Great job. |
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 9:22pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Nice use of an old Western .
Very well written and thoroughly enjoyed
Great entry |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 5:47am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
A western! Nice, not sure how this could be done low budget but perhaps.
Excellent writing, really immersive. The dream sequence threw me off for a bit and I had to re-read that last two pages again.
My main gripe is the location is not the focus of the story at all, in fact, it feels shoehorned in. So I will be taking this into account when scoring, but it is an excellent piece of writing. |
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ReneC |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 11:37am |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Nice to see a Western. It's the least popular genre, and you nailed it. Bravo!
Excellent writing, tone, character. My only real beef is with the story. That line about the mind being the worst prison of all suggests one thing, but then it reverses course and becomes literal eye for an eye revenge justice, which we've seen plenty of times before. Still, the writing is compelling enough to make this entertaining despite its story.
Switching from a dream to reality is definitely not continuous for that header.
Really well done, I like it a lot. |
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Reply: 11 - 23 |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 12:42pm |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts793 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
I don't see the use of the location integral here. That been said, the writing was pretty nice. The only thing was that the, literal 'eye for an eye' type revenge, whereas the dialogs convey more deeper menace. Overall, nice effort. |
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Cypher99 |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 1:33pm |
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Posts10 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Good story overall, but the eyes really didn't take prominence as an object.
The action lines could be cleaned up for a better, more visual read, with more emphasis on important action and less on body mechanics. The last 3 action lines on page 2 were nothing more than body mechanics, things that can be generalized and left to the actors. As it is, it's a bit too prose style for my liking.
Nevertheless, an enjoyable story. I, too, felt a Unforgiven vibe. Improved dialogue to match the period would do wonders. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 1:55pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Good stuff. Enjoyed the read.
Only problem I saw was that you set up a psychological payoff and gave us a physical one. I was really looking forward to the psychological justice.
Well done overall. |
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Reply: 14 - 23 |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 3:22pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Nicely descriptive and biblical in it's payoff. An enjoyable revenge tale. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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stevemiles |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:28pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Liking the historical setting - not budget friendly but different and I do appreciate a western. Might be you could have updated to a modern setting with a similar concept? Very well written with a simple story that feels more complete than most. A little stock perhaps but nicely done. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:55pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Enjoyed this one, reads nicely though I'm not convinced about the dream sequence.
Being picky, they eye are kind incidental, but they are there.
Good job. |
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SAC |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 9:09pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Nice job, but on page 3 you kinda lost me. Or I lost you. Was Wade waking from a dream, only to realize he really was getting killed? That's what I got from this, and if that's the case it didn't really work from me, because why not tell the story as the hooded person approaches and end it with that confrontation as opposed to a dream? If thats what happened. But I could be wrong. Sorry if this one went past me.
Steve |
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Reply: 18 - 23 |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 9:31pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Nice writing. The story of frontier justice didn't really bring anything new to the table... or bench. I kind of wish there was some extra element to this to either pay off the Chelsea scene or make it different from a simple vigilante story. Good work with setting up the atmosphere and characters, though. |
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MarkD |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 1:23am |
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Posts142 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
Very solid script. Enjoyed this one. I have sort of a thing for period pieces. |
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Warren |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 10:48pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer, Lucky last!!!!! F@#k yeah! A western, the bane of my existence (genre wise that is ) Good writing and dialogue and a pretty decent tale as well, I think you set this up to end a different way, and I would have preferred that. Not bad though. All the best. |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 12:49pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Great work. Shades of Unforgiven with the prostitutes seeking revenge angle. Good to have a Western in the mix. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 9:31pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Thanks for the reviews everyone! Like my round 1 entry, I wrote this in a rush which didn’t allow me to work out the kinks.
The idea was that the Sheriff was actually going to put Wade on the train to St. Louis where he would stand trial, but the prostitutes intercepted and he made the decision to allow them to do vigilante justice…because he believed what Wade said about him probably walking and not even standing trial.
The dream sequence was supposed to show what the Sheriff said about the mind being a prison…like Wade wouldn’t be able to escape what he did because his mind wouldn’t let him.
Finally…I should have ended with the train whistle, showing the train was actually coming but they opted to take care of Wade themselves. I did rewrite this, with a tweaked ending showing that and a few other changes. When Don has a chance, he'll post the rewrite.
Thanks again! |
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