I have mixed feelings about this one. One the one hand it was well written and very funny; on the other hand it was too outlandish to really meet the future of tech/science parameter and the humour diluted the horror. The horror also jumped from futuristic tech horror to cosmological horror with the reveal of a bottomless void, so it felt a bit jarring as to what is actually going on. It’s purely situational rather than character-driven which makes it feel like a sketch rather than a film, though I guess that’s okay for a short.

Having said that, being claustrophobic the idea of being locked in a toilet cubicle – which happened to me once - is fairly terrifying and the void is a good metaphor for the unknowability of death so despite the humour it does have a creepy nihilistic feel.

You probably need to foreshadow Ted’s son as he just appears out of the blue at the end, and if we can’t see him how do we know it’s his son? It might come across like somebody in another cubicle’s son talking. Also, you could have the toilet take x-rays and ultrasounds while Ted’s peeing as well as just testing his urine – although maybe the pulsating light was doing that.

Hope this feedback does not discommode you.  

It was a breezy enjoyable read.

This was pretty good, cool idea. It is, on the most part, one location. But to create these effects could be on the pricey side. But, on a good note, it'd probably be the bulk of the whole budget.

Doesn't really meet the horror criteria. But, nevertheless, I enjoyed it an admire the creativity behind it.

-- Michael

More of a comedy -- or that's the tone I get, anyway (even if the central idea is legitimately scary).

I thought this was good slick fun with the I guess minor flaw that our protag has made his fatal mistake before the story starts. And I think this guy and his world could be filled out a bit more with some character building that lets us know how to contextualize and feel about our protag's fate. As it stands now, it kinda feels like a Creepshow-style morality tale horror short, but without the morality tale part. It's just a guy who dies.

I loved this! This pairs nicely with my Bryson 'Off Grid' a few challenges ago. Well done, writer. I haven't read the other reviews (yet) but I'm sure someone mentioned a missing word and a couple other grammar issues.

Thanks for entering.

I like this a lot. Definitely out of the box. Commendable for coming up with something unique.

Perhaps the horror is a little light and might I suggest you ramp up the suspense a bit, (perhaps give him a last minute choice and he fails the test?)but I love the commentary on big corporations deciding for us, particularly cost cutting measures and health and T&C fineprint which no-one reads. The U.S. health system is a bit of a nightmare from what I've gleaned.

Well done!

Strong writing and a solid premise. I can see why so many people like this one.

I did have a bit of trouble visualizing some of the action and the hole of nothing, I think that could have been handled better, but it's still compelling and fairly easy to do. You would definitely run into clearance issues using Amazon's name in this context though.

I really liked this story. Serious Brazil or Zero Theorem vibe here.

We don't see the abortive attempt at peeing (I hope!), so that should be described as sounds.

I would have him sign the fateful T&C in an opening scene, maybe in exchange for a five-pound discount on something in the mall. He rushes through the sign-up precisely because he needs to pee.

For a first draft, excellent work!

Lol very nice and scary and everything! Great work, I just have nothing else to add. And adheres to a super hard requirement too.

Although I’m not sure if it’s set in the future. But got to be

Thanks for all the feedback and comments, as always much appreciated.

Cam - thanks mate, appreciated and get the Fast Show reference though influence in the story was subconscious.

Rene - good point, I can always change it to Nlle instead

Frank - like the idea of him signing the T&Cs earlier because he's desperate to pee, that would play up the irony, tx.

Cubicles is a Brit thing I guess, at least for me -  stalls are ground floor seats in a theatre

The chasm opening, well this was part of the Horror aspect, but there's other ways this could go that may be less of a budget issue (I'd figured you could green-screen the floor), so I may amend this to poisonous gas.

Jeff - thanks for reading a bit of it

Again thanks all.

Had to check out the winner.

Quoted Text He's on a mission called bladder relief

Lol. Off to a great start.

Okay, finished.

I laughed a lot with this one.

Well written, good dialogue, a clever idea and a fine ending - black comedy gold, overall.

I liked a little more Dave's, but I think that you did a great job, Anthony.

A fair win.

Congrats on the mug.

Hahaha, Anthony! Mate, a subconscious Unlucky Alf is just as beautiful as a conscious Unlucky Alf.

For our American Cousins, the amazing Paul Whitehouse (him who Jonny Depp called the greatest actor alive) as the poor old soul falling into a hole - https://youtu.be/S7lxOAHJ_80

Congrats again mate, really hope it gets picked up!

Terms & Conditions has now been optioned.

Congrats! One of my favorites. Good luck

Cool

Good work.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Terms & Conditions has now been optioned.

Nice! Congrats