The Californians by Highly Derivative - Short, Sci Fi, Dystopian - A dystopian reimagining of Hansel & Gretel set in a post apocalyptic world ravaged by a deadly virus, militiamen, and cannibals. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

If it wasn't for the logline, I wouldn't have linked the story to Hansel and Gretel. Most definitely a dystopian image of the future but no real sci-fi and not much I'd classify as horror. All in all, I've seen much of this before.

That said, you know how to write and the read was easy enough. John's first dialogue should be (O.S.) I think. No real big issues to mention.

Good work, writer.

This is a very well written post-apocalypse drama, and I liked it for that.

But I don't really see it as meeting the criteria though.

Good script though.

Hey Highly Derivative (bit of a harsh name)!

Right then, straight up well done on having the proverbials to mention big Daddy T and bring politics and the apocalypse into this! I’ve got my opinions on the man, and indeed wrote an OWC on the apocalypse and him, so I dig.

What I don’t dig, however, is the distinct lack of meaningful future shock style technology that impacts on the script. It’s a fairy tale based post apocalyptic drama that’s well written, sprinkled with some gore and tension, but it ain’t the Black Mirror eruption that this challenge was looking for IMO.

Liked your style though. Clear, crisp writing and this could do well as a short outside of the challenge itself.

Best of luck!

Cam

Hi writer,

Just lurking and reading scripts with absolutely no rhyme or reason, except maybe to keep the comment count equal across the board; some more equal than others. Of course, the 2 and 3 pagers will always be the first with high comments, cause… y’know.

That being said, this was a surprisingly easy read, so… away I go.

“Noah reaches into his rucksack, pulls out what looks like beef jerky and shows it to Ruth.”

Was it a crusty slab of human num nums? As in a strip of skin from the ass of some poor leathery surfer boy, or girl, that succumbed to the apocalypse, and is now a jerky chew for the nomadic survivors…? OK.

Unfortunately the only Sci-fi element here is a nuclear weapon detonated sometime ago, but that’s not really fiction anymore. This does work well for an end of days genre/theme style of script, but it just seems like it was pulled from a shelf and reworked a bit to include a few elements that may or may not correspond with the Future Shock idea of technology being the horror lying in wait… mind you, nuclear holocaust seems pretty horrific when it come down to the crunch, so… yeah, it works in that sense.

Writing’s good IMO, Definitely not your first ‘ro-dayo’. Best of luck.

Hmm.

Writing wise it's pretty top-notch.

Criteria wise it's not even close. The only element it hits at all really is the future.

Going to have to debate this one in my mind before scoring - it really isn't even close to the criteria.

North? Closer to the Trumpists? - LOL.

Definitely dystopian future and could be filmed easily if you found the right location, it just doesn't remind me of Hansel & Gretal at all.

The problem is you start this way too early and all we see for pages is these two wandering the wastelands. With Noah losing his arm so easily it seems miracle these two have survived for so long.

You get to page 6 and have run out of time, so you don't get to add the horror element, just the suggestion of cannibalism. I would suggest starting this a lot later, with Noah stuck in a trap and two strangers coming to assist. You can fill us in on the backstory and Trumpists as you go then and have more room to add horror and more story.

Decent writing and easy to follow, it just doesn't fulfill the criteria for me.

Hi,

The beginning felt a bit "Return of the King" to me, a long trudge, hunger and despair.

For a 10 and 12 year old to be experienced killers and cannibals in a ravaged world paints a very bleak vision of the future.

Didn't get any Hansel and Gretel from it though, so a bit of a misnomer there.

Well written but as has been alluded to previously may not fit the criteria, but only having six pages to tell your story is a lot to ask, expansion to the story would probably correct this however.

Well done.

Story: Certainly a dystopian tale.  Two kids making their way from California (after decimation from war? Disease? Not sure).  I’m not exactly sure of the entire point of the story, other than they’re getting away from bad stuff but they run into more bad stuff, only to show that they’re cannibals?  Things are bleak indeed.  I think this could use just a little more backstory for the kids to let us know what they were up against and why they wound up where they are now.

Characters: Noah and Ruth are supposed to be 10 and 12, respectively, but they seem much older than that in the way they act, talk, think, etc.  Maybe it’s the dystopian times they live in.  Maybe they should be just a bit older and that would make them somewhat more believable as characters.  They’re drawn out nicely, but I just didn’t buy into how grown up they were (or how Noah could be an expert marksman with a bow and arrow after just having lost his arm).

Dialogue:  Okay for the most part, but again I’m going to say that they don’t sound like pre-teenagers.  They sound more like adults.

Writing:  Overall pretty good.  Solid writing throughout, nice descriptions and pacing.  

Meeting the challenge:  Think it meets the challenge.

There's a very scant reference to the morse-code device being updated tech, but then it plays no part in the story except to say he could communicate with it in the past.  And, the one bit of tech there was is now defunct - the Ring video Doorbell Pro . I dunno, this appears to be a story about everything off-grid. The one item that does damage (well, actually two, if you count the fox trap) is a shotgun repurposed as a crossbow.

You know you kinda had me in the palm of your hand while reading cause your story has great atmosphere, sympathetic child characters, and you've a very assured writing style - no hiccups there. You took me on a journey... And I wanted to see what was at the end. Clever you.

But really, sorry, when it comes down to it there's not a lot happening and what is happening doesn't meet the Future Shock brief, either in horror or SciFi.

P.S. I notice you left out horror as a genre selection.

I think the pen name summed it up - derivative.

Despite the lack of originality you did manage to add a decent amount of human interest, however, which shows an assured writing style.

Not sure it really ties in with the theme that strongly as the horror is post-apocalyptic, not really tied to a new technology or new use of technology.

Right out the gate I can’t shake the SNL sketch out of my head.

Trumpists – uh oh, here we go (I dig it)

I like the Ring being out and having to use the old style door bell.  Good visual.

“Highly derivative” wasn’t a lie. The little twist at the end was cool I guess, but everything that happened to get there felt familiar. This is probably better suited for a longer script where you can toss in some twists and turns, and show your spin on the typical Dystopian outriders, etc.

Not bad overall, but nothing really fresh.

Like others have already said I'm not sure how much it meets the criteria, especially as the tech stuff felt like it was shoehorned in there, unless you've interpreted in a fairly loose way.

Same goes for the Hansel and Gretel angle. Although I guess you phrased it as reimagining. Still, I wouldn't have thought of that unless it was in the logline.

However my main issue was the pacing. This is a matter of preference of course but I prefer something that hits the ground running.This felt more like five pages of foreplay followed by one page of intercourse.

Anyways good luck.

Good story, if very grim. Noah and Ruth are very resourceful cannibals, but they’re a product of their environment. The setup of the world they live in was well done, and the ending was nice. The only thing I might look at is the age of the kids, 10 and 12. I seriously doubt kids as young as this would have the stamina to get as far as they have.

Hmmm... not sure if this met the criteria. Not horror, sci-fi and didn't involve technology. Two things that it did meet -- it's low budget, overall. And it takes place in the future, though there's no technology to indicate that.

I kinda saw Hansel and Gretel in this story. Not note for note, but I could see it sorta. It is well written overall, though some commas here and there in dialogue are needed.

Quoted Text NOAH I know I know. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine, we’ve done this enough times already.

I did enjoy this and I liked the ending. But I gotta take points off for not really meeting the criteria. This would've been better suited for last month's OWC.

Nice job, though!

-- Michael