Picked a couple to read while I have the strength lol.  Well written this, and wasn’t sure where it was heading - the mix of future tech and horror as the theme is a tough gig.

Groaned a little at the punchline but it was inventive I guess.  So yeah good job

Hmm, they're just playing a game - and a rather tame and odd choice of game for two teen guys.

As an audience member I doubt I'd be scared watching this Lara Croft-lite scene.

Argh, did we really need: a growing wet spot on his crotch.

I'm being a bit harsh, sorry.

If they'd signed up to play in an experimental fully immersive horror VR game, aware they were playing it, then perhaps trapped inside it and trying to get back to their real lives, then yeah...

You wrote this nicely but it had the vibe of unreal video game from the get-go. 'Pans to her right and left' is kinda a dead giveaway given it's a film term.

P.S. 'soft duff'? Sounds nice, sorta onomatopoeia. Is it a real word?

I doubt this is easily filmable, having a child hanging from a flimsy rope bridge over a canyon while a (presumably) CGI beast stalks her is not cheap.

However, it was really well written and did a remarkable amount in two pages. I saw the obvious Red Riding Wolf angle and thus this screamed out to me that this was Virtual Reality on the first page. As someone else pointed out, VR is the new 'it was all a dream'.

Near future, sci-fi and horror boxes ticked. I just wish you'd taken this further and had four pages to give this a much needed new twist. I suspect time, or lack of it, played a big part but this writer sure knows how to write.

-Mark

i can't complain about the writing. short, descriptive, sets the mood.

as far as the overall story? sure whatever, kids playing a VR game or Little Red Riding Hood. i guess the VR portion qualifies as "horror."

this just feels like a scene from something else, moreso than a complete story, but that's probably just a nitpick.

Great writing, visual and a strong horror vibe. The VR element turns something cliché into slightly fresher fare. I, too, dislike the "it was all fake" ending but it works for this, and it's the only way this fits the criteria. I'm also fine with the length, it ended when it should have. More would have diluted it.

My only real beef is there's no story, no character development, no beginning. It pops us into the middle and it ends. It still works for what it is, which basically amounts to a glimpse at the potential of mainstream VR, but that's about it.

Nice job.

Bravo 2 pages - wish we had more like that.

I think for the VR twist to work there needs to be something else.

I agree the wee spot helped, so to speak, but I wonder whether there needs to be more stakes, once we know it is VR

Interesting one to play around with.

If it's gonna end as a joke, I think the funnier one would be that Marty flails in panic and accidentally pushes Billy out a window.

Either way, what I think this is really missing is the sense that something doesn't go as it should, or that some real decisions are made. Maybe Billy in some way diverges from the game as it's supposed to be played, uses the beast in a way he's not supposed to. I dunno. Currently, the whole story is just that we watch two kids play.

Nicely written.

Well...2 pages.

Writing is good, but you missed 2 apostrophes near the end - Grace's, and BOYS'.

This is not a story, just a little scene, with a twist thrown in at the end.

There is horror in the script, and although nothing really happens, you write the horror, as in the way you wrote, which is good, as most can't do that to save their miserable lives.

There is future shock, which is revealed at the very end.

There's just so little here, though, it's hard to really grade this.

***

Hmm, the whole bridge-shaking sequence is gonna be pricey as shit, but otherwise, the script meets that criteria I guess. I think the tension could've been set up better at the beginning -- perhaps seeing her tiptoe through the woods, trying to be quiet and then she steps on a twig and goes still. Rather than hearing the twig and then being introduced to her. I saw the twist coming because there was absolutely no element of sci-fi in the first page and a half. Especially after seeing that this was only 2 pages long, I figured it was just a VR simulation. It was well written enough. But it didn't really do much for me.

-- Michael

Yeah, so this was my 20 minute speed challenge with the clock ticking. Of course there were four pages for more but I was lucky to get this done. Appreciate all the feedback and comments. You never know, I might turn this into another three page Hyper Epic.