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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The June 2021 Challenge  ›  Shade - June Challenge Moderators: Zack
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  Author    Shade - June Challenge  (currently 177 views)
Don
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shade by Mr. Haney - A guy learns it's not wise to spy on frolicking females.  Short, Comedy


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I always liked Green Acres and Petticoat Junction, so this was like old home week for me.

I got a little thrown by the kid's name.  Eg? E.G.?  That and how did he kick up a cloud of sand at the bottom of the water tower? I'm being nit picky, I know.

Was a fun story, a little thin, but who cares, and enjoyed splashing around with the girls.  A creative way to help eg escape as well.  Good job here.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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                   BAMBIE JO
Why, that sneaky so-and-so. Trying to get
a peek at our voluptuous anatomies!

I hope that was meant to be funny. I laughed. And then this...

                   BAMBIE JO
Imagine, trying to peep our alabasterized
bodies.

Bambie Jo is certainly a cunning-linguist!

Quite the farce. Thanks for entering!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Funny in places and had a sort of farcical charm to it.

However I didn't buy it entirely, though not sure I needed to.

Decent effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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_ghostwriters
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy writer,

Yup, I guy definitely wrote this one.

Um, teen comedies seem to me the most difficult of genres to write and critique. You can only go on your gut reaction and here's mine:  I thought it was decent, but it just didn't exactly grip me. Didn't find the characters too interesting. That aside...teen comedies are not my bag. High school was hell for me.  So take my comments with a grain of salt.  Best of Irish luck! -A
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Gum
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely a quirky take on the theme, thought Opie Taylor, and/or Barney Fife were gonna done come around soon enough, lol. I actually knew a chick named Bambie-Lynn back in the day… still do I guess, just haven’t seen her in years.

Anyway, yeah… fun take on the whole ‘trapped with no way out’. Seems like a lot of work to catch a glimpse of the local triplets (assuming they’re triplets) in the nude, mind you raging hormones will do that to a boy… make them ‘retarted’; that be the Urban Dictionary meaning of the word:

Retarted: A person with an outwardly dominant, masculine, or aggressive personality, but who also enthusiastically takes on the submissive or "bottom" role in the bedroom.

In this case, the bottom of a water tower sucking on a garden hose to stay alive. Reminded me of the Dukes of Hazzard for no apparent reason, except it’s a good, clean, wholesome way to spend a Saturday afternoon down at the ol’ watering hole… with Daisy, of course. Best of luck.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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PedroS
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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Entertaining scenario. I understand that their language should be a contrast to their appearance. Tough job. Sometimes it worked other times it seemed like too much, but overall very nicely done! Poor lad.

Thank you!
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Yuvraj
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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It didn't invested me enough. The writing needs some work. It has its charm but not enough to hang on to.

Good luck.


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Arundel
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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The opening reads like prose. Sort of a lazy afternoon folktale. Lake Wobegone?
But an amusing tale and and joyful character names. Eg is the man.
Found myself wanting to turn back the age clock and spy on those lasses myself.
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Zack
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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"Eg’s body stiffens when he sees Barbie Jo’s boobies unleashed." Thank you for that.

Funny concept, but this one's a miss for me. Dialog just feels off. And the writing itself is pretty sloppy, particularly on the last page. No idea what the hell was happening at the end.

But that line I mentioned got a big laugh outta' me. So great job there! A solid 72-hour effort. Good work.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Congrats on completing the challenge.

Notes: Love the concept but I think the execution could’ve been simpler. It could’ve taken place between two rooms, a peep hole, and then the girls just beat the hell out of the peeper. Lol. 2.5 pages the max lol. Just a suggestion.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Abe from LA
Posted: June 24th, 2021, 5:50am Report to Moderator
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Not much of a story here, but I enjoyed the description. I wouldn't mind seeing the ladies when he sees
wearing only their "skimpies." The ending could use a better wrap up. Maybe the girls see Eg come down from the water tower and run home wearing Barbie Jo's bra. That would be a hoot.
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LC
Posted: June 24th, 2021, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Very light fare here and it seems we've been transported back to 60s sitcom land.
Descriptions of everything going on could be streamlined just a bit.


Horny teenaged doofi

BABIE JO
Oh, come on, you love showing off those
monsters of yours.
BAMBIE JO
Imagine, trying to peep our alabasterized
bodies.


Dialogue is a little bit light on credibility imho, but fun all the same.
alabasterized Hmm, really?

I personally think you missed an opportunity to make a pun on Hooterville, if in fact (and it seems to be) this was inspired by Petticoat Junction.

And, I would have liked a little more comeuppance going Eg's way. Gary's (Abe)visual with the bra is a goodie.

Nice, and definitely unique entry.  


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Lono
Posted: June 25th, 2021, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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I like this one, I can almost see the girls as they speak, I like how you wrote this, it's like the choice of language fits the theme. Reminds me a bit of a dux of hazard type of scenario, or the little I remember of that show. Not much to critique. Those girls use some big words, but I think it Adds to their character. Maybe the writing could be trimmed back a bit but that's part of the charm IMO. Nice work.
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