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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The June 2021 Challenge  ›  30 Legs of Death - June Challenge Moderators: Zack
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  Author    30 Legs of Death - June Challenge  (currently 187 views)
Don
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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30 Legs of Death by Sister Love - A serial rapist finds himself trapped in a burial casket after tangling with the wrong family. It's a case of predator meets predator, meets predator.  Short, Vigilante-Horror


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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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That was really creepy, My biggest fear is being in a tight confined space -- and then to have a monstrous centipede thrown in there with me? Gaaaah!!  So great job on setting the scene here.  Tight story and a quick read.

I will say that I've read five stories so far, and only one ends where the protagonist escapes.  It feels like everyone else is being punished or continuing indefinitely in their situation.  Still, a fun, scary story to read.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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HAHA! Loved it. Down here in AZ, we've those big-ass centipedes that'll put a real hurtin' on you (along with a hundred other things that bite, sting, or stick you).

Thinking about this situation, Red was almost doing him a favor by giving him the chance to confess and to die with a little bit less of a guilty conscience. It was even easier for him since he only had to tell voicemail.

At least the he still has to contend with the big sister! Good job, writer.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the setup here but I thought the internal logic went awry in a couple of places.

E.g. why bother with the centipede if there was only 5 mins of oxygen left, why is RED screaming supposed to also be her sister, and the Scolopendra isn't usually fatal imho either have more than one of them, or go with somehting more naturally scary - snake, spider etc.

But, did like the script overall.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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_ghostwriters
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy writer,

Haha... I did enjoy the set up in generaL, it was very nice.  Lovely right hook with the ending. Consider me b!tch-slapped. Easy read, not much to say, just some trivial stuff. I just enjoyed the ride! Twas Good. Great job YOU!!! Best of Irish luck! -A
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LC
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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Now this is along the lines of what I was expecting to read with a challenge like this.

RED (CONT’D)
That was my little sister
when you date raped and
tortured her. She couldn’t
live with the shame, Harry.
We buried her yesterday. I
thought you should know.


That para needs a bit of an edit imh.

HARRY
So you kidnapped me?
Don't think you need this line at all.

Ponds the casket.
Pounds?

I don't think you need the Honda specific.
God, I miss my Honda - feckin faulty airbags.

I don't think you need the oxygen depletion either. Him being tortured with no escape does the trick.

Three pages only means we don't get the luxury of him exhausting all escape methods and the confession feels a bit rushed perhaps. He agrees a bit too readily considering the torture method is a threat to be enacted if he doesn't, surely? In a longer version he'd likely refuse, deny his guilt - drop in the torture device etc.

Really nice job regardless of quibbles.
Very entertaining!


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Gum
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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Oh, man… I really hate anything that’s jet-black and crawling. Spiders and other flying things aren’t really an issue for me, but those friggin’ millipedes are creepy as fuck, so this hit some high notes for me re: trapped in a confined space.

“Your date is Scolopendra”.

I read that wrong at first, I thought it said; “Your date HAS Scolopendra”, and I was thinking it’s some new vicious strain of dick eating herpes or something going about… thank god it’s only a really mean ugly dick eating bug.

“Die you bitch. Die some more.” Lol, too funny, like saying “I’m gonna tear your heart out and show you how black it is!”

Even if he survives the ‘Satan’s Claw’, he still confessed, so this guy is pretty much done for. Well done trapping someone in a precarious situation for the challenge. Best of luck.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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Zack
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Ew. Fuck centipedes. Lol. You earn bonus points there. Creepy little monsters.

I actually really like the core premise of this. Being claustrophobic, this definitely put me in that place.

The writing is solid. Nothing really took me out of the read, so that's good. Dialog could use another pass, particularly toward the end. The story itself is also unclear to me. It got a little messy and I'm not really sure what was happening.

Still, a really good effort for 72 hours.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Yuvraj
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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An OK read from my side. The writing here is quite dull and could have been more impactful. The dialogs were way more than needed imo. Silence and emoting through snarly images would have done the job. Decent effort.

Good luck.


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Arundel
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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This was really interesting and kept the reader guessing. Only problems found were the logistics regarding the phone. Couldn't quite figure out all the angles and how it was done. Title is great so extra points for that.
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PedroS
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 2:40am Report to Moderator
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Haha what a shitty way to die
Well done.

Thank you!
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Congrats on completing the task.

Notes: Love the concept but execution was a miss for me. I guess the issue being the page count that was given the story. Granted it’s the parameters so I cant fault you for that. But I will encourage you to expand upon it. Make the guy not give in too easily until he sees this is a real threat from the centipede. I would also suggest to eliminate the oxygen bit and just stay with the centipede.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Spqr
Posted: June 24th, 2021, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Harry comes off as a particularly worthy candidate for a live burial. And Red comes off well as the cold-blooded, revenge-minded sister of the woman Harry raped and tortured.

The giant centipede is a nice touch as is Red’s warning that he only has five minutes of oxygen left.

However, why didn’t Harry express any skepticism about her promise to let him go once he confessed? He wouldn’t give anyone that mercy, so why would he expect it in return?

The story is good as it is, but I’m wondering if it wouldn’t have been crueller—and thus better—if she’d rigged up the casket with an oxygen supply and provided some slow-eating vermin?
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Lono
Posted: June 25th, 2021, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Buried alive, a terrifying scenario, but with a giant centipede? nope. lol. This was okay, Some of the dialogue was odd IMO, mainly the "I'm sorry" and the "No, you're the right guy" bit.  Solid effort.
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