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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The June 2021 Challenge  ›  Un-Fun House - June Challenge Moderators: Zack
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  Author    Un-Fun House - June Challenge  (currently 272 views)
Don
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Un-Fun House by  - An man is taught a hard lesson when he takes advantage of a stranger’s generosity.  Short, Thriller


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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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First one out of the box.  First of all, love the cover art.  Don't let anyone dissuade you from using this by saying this is a bad idea or anything like that.  Think it adds to the overall story.

Great concept on the challenge.  Like how you got him into the trapped situation and then how you got him out. Was a little confused at first after he escaped about what happened with the next book, but I went back and re-read and think that cleared it up.

Nice and creepy with a good touch of humor here.  Good job overall.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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BAM! Helluva title page. Not quite sure what it is but something seems...different.

I had to reread the introduction of the mini wooden library. Very hard for me to visualize what that would look like. Seems odd but since the guy was drunk/under the influence, I can see this happening. No person in their right mind would get caught in that trap.

A fun little tale. Good work, writer.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer, quite enjoyed it. Fascinating idea. It was a fun read, and for the most part I could "see" it. Not much to critique. Liked the ending sequence going into the next book. Cool title page. Thanks for sharing.

Reg
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Love the title page, I think this is the way of the future!

Nice, has a sort of Hansel and Gretel opening and then off into Tobe Hooper Funhouse world, though I didn;t really get his trappedness.

There a few sentences that felt a little awkwardly written, but minor and probably another pass would fix em.

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PedroS
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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"Threatening as a vegetable" very cool
This one read more like a shooting script but I enjoyed the style very much and the ending nailed it. Good work!

Thank you!
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LC
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Wow! Big story in three pages, full of the macabre and wonderful, and surreal... And tortuous in places too for your poor protag.
He really went through it.

It'd work well as a graphic animation imho.

Loved the title page/artwork.

Great imagination on display.


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Zack
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Some pretty crazy visuals here. You packed a whole lot into 3 pages. Impressive work!

Really enjoyed the creepy atmosphere on the first page, but as soon as Ripley got transported to the un-funhouse, that atmosphere seemed to fade a bit. Almost seemed to take on a slapstick comedy tone, which is fine, but I wish it was more consistent.

The ending falls a little flat for me. Needs more punch.

Still, I really enjoyed this one. Very creative.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Zack  -  June 23rd, 2021, 3:58pm
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Yuvraj
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Nice creepy vibe here. Although, the writing could have been lean and more effective. The ending twist felt awkward for some reason. It didn't seemed impactful enough. Anyway, a decent effort.

Good luck.


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Abe from LA
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Loved the title page.
The story... left me a bit confused. I'm not sure I have the logic down, but Ripley gets transported to the un-Funhouse as punishment for taking two books. Right? So, was the first book he took, "Lidia's Playhouse"? Did he look at the cover of the first book?
Or was Lidia's book placed in his possession by Lidia?
I enjoyed the atmosphere, but wonder if you could use the book angle to more effectiveness. Such as the secret to getting out of the un-Funhouse is in the book. I guess that would take more than 3 pages to work effectively. Anyway, good effort.
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Arundel
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Very visual and fast-paced. Non-stop from the get-go. Title was clumsy but un-pretentions: That's just what it was. Enjoyed this one. A colorful entry.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Congrats on completing the entry.

Notes: looks like you had fun with this entry. What else can I say. It read fine to me. Fk it. Lol.

Sorry couldn’t be more helpful
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Spqr
Posted: June 24th, 2021, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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Ripley sounds like he was suffering from alcohol induced psychosis. And he dreamed up a pretty weird tale that’s likely to lead to a very bad ending, because while he can keep escaping the un-fun-house that may or may not be a figment of his imagination, the alcoholism will get him in the end. At least I assume that’s what’s going on. In any event, this is a very good script.
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Lono
Posted: June 25th, 2021, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Love the title page, cudos.

This one is one of my favourites, it's written well and has a cool tone to the thing, almost like a goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark, A more mature version of them though of course. You packed so much into 3 pages, and it all flowed well.  I love these kind of crazy carnival stories. Great world you built here.  Nice job.
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Gum
Posted: June 26th, 2021, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the great feedback/reviews everyone, I truly appreciate it!

I thought for sure I’d be read the ‘Riot Act’ for going crazy on the title-page, and I’m pretty sure I won’t go such an elaborate route in the future, but I had some ‘Marquee’ lettering I downloaded for a previous project and felt it was such a shame to let it go to waste, just sitting on my drive collecting dust, so I rolled with it… and in this case it worked to my advantage which was a relief, so thank you kindly for the positive vibes.

Anyway, yeah… Ripley, of course is a tribute to the original 1979 ‘Alien’, and the main character (Ripley) being trapped in a spaceship with a nasty ET, in this case a nasty carnival ride off in some evil dimension.


Quoted from JEStaats
I had to reread the introduction of the mini wooden library. Very hard for me to visualize what that would look like...


I’m wondering if this is mainly a city thing, versus a North American curiosity. I always thought these things popped up everywhere a few years back, now I’m thinking it might just be a weird city I live in thing that people get a kick out of doing.

Can't remember how to post an image, but here's some of those Little Libraries: https://assets-global.website-.....370_Grid-p-1080.jpeg

None-the-less, I always thought of writing something dark, weird, and/or creepy with one of these in it, and always wondered what one would look like, and what it’s true ulterior purpose could be, should you find one outside of say… Dracula’s Castle, or a Gypsy Caravan Park, or perhaps even the Bates Motel. Something I might expand on in the future. Anyway, thanks again all, cheers!


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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