Mercy by T. Joseph Fraser (Blakkwolf) - (Garry Oak) - Short, Drama - Bad things come in small packages. A young runaway gets into trouble at a roadside diner. - pdf, format

This one was very well written and the story flowed together quite well.  The line was used in a c0ol way so this one fit the challenge.  I really liked Deborah, I think she was the most interesting character in the story, Fred was also a cool bad ass.  The banter between him and Jillian was quite entertaining.  I think the only thing that didn't work for me was the reporter stuff at the end, it didn't seem like how reporters talk, it was kinda strange IMO, but other than that this is a top notch entry, good dialog and good characters pulled this story together well.

as far as writing goes, this had some high quality to it. Nice narrative and good dialogue.

The two parts, the hotel and diner, seemed like a jarring juxtaposition.  It seemed like part of a larger piece. Kinda suffered as a stand alone.

As of this point I'd say it's the strongest writing I've read and most "drama" but ironically the line seems very forced in here.

Otherwise, strong piece. Good show.

This was easily the most polished effort I have read.  Either the writer is just more talented or took a bit more time putting the piece together. (probably a bit of both)

- Action and descriptions were crisp and interesting.  Plenty of information without over explaining things.

- Dialogue sounded more real and natural.  Each character had a somewhat unique voice.

- Didn't mind how some things were not fully explained.  Actually like that kind of thing.  However, it did leave me wanting a little more.  Which is probably good... rather have that than just apathy towards a story. (which, honestly, I've had with many of these scripts)

- Only complaint was the very last page.  Newswoman basically repeating what we already knew.  I wasn't really disappointed, just had higher hopes, given the skill of the rest of the writing.

Good work my friend.  

Hey,


After reading this I had to read all the reviews for it because I didn't really get the ending and I thought I may have missed something. As others said, the writing was polished and I could visualize everything that was happening with crystal clear clarity. I'll have to get you to edit some of my stuff. LOL.

However, after such a great set up, I was expecting a ripping ending, so I was a little disappointed when it finished with so many unanswered questions. I wanted to know what had happened between her and her parents and I wanted to know what she'd stolen from Fred that made him flip out the way he did. However, I'm guessing her reference to her unforgivable act towards her parents and the fact that Fred came back to get what she'd stolen was all about illustrating, that contrary to our initial perceptions of Mercy, she was actually a predator and not a victim at all.  Still I’d love to know what she took from Fred that made him crazy enough to shoot that waitress. Ah, yes. The penny is starting to drop. Good work my friend.

    

The descriptions on the first page grabbed a hold of me quite quickly.
I thought hey were very good.

There were a few type o's (as found in any one week script)

One thing was off though...
Fred made it to the hotel before Mercy made it inside the resturant to begin with, then when he noticed something was missing, he left. There was a lot of stuff happening inside the resturant before he made it back there...

I would have liked to gotten a little glimpse of what was inside her duffel bag, and maybe seen a picture of her on a milk carton or on a missing child poster, too.

I thought this was a very good script for the OWC.
Cindy

This was extremely well written, a couple of typos but nothing major. My only gripe is that the focal point of the script is never explained - I don't like that. In fact it pisses me off. But still, the writing in itself saved this script

Rob

This was excellent.  The first four or five pages may be the best written work I've seen on this board.  The only problem is the waitress and the mailman may get a little close to stereotypes.  The teenage runaway who ends up waitrwessing at the diner and the drunk cop who ends up hauling mail.  But it is really well done.  And it's nothurt by the fact taht we don't get any answers.  

This was a great script, very well-written, more drama than action, which some of the other scripts I've read so far lacked.

One thing that bothered me is that it left me with questions. Why did Mercy run away? What was Fred looking for? And one thing to sum it all up: why the hell did all of it happen? I don't see any explanation that can answer it, all I know is that Mercy is a runaway child. I don't understand why Fred would get so mad. I don't understand what Johnson was there for, and why he was a police officer (I think) working for a post office?? Deborah was a cool chick, I think she was my favorite out of the bunch.

Any way, I'm in a hurry, so I couldn't go into specifics. Good job!

Sean

This is probably the best work that anybody can do in a week, seriously top drawer stuff.

The dialogue was superb and the story really flowed. I personally didn't like the quote we had to use but this showed that it can be used effectively and seamlessly.

I would have to wager a guess who wrote this so I'm going to say it's one of these four; Bert, Phil, Rob or Mike...if it's anyone else I'm gonna have to read more of your scripts.

Ste

**EDIT...as Rob has commented on this he's either being sly or I'll delete him from my guesses haha

the story is fast paced and well written...very enjoyable...the only question i had is how fred (who seemed to act irrationally) was able to figure out exactly where to go to find someone that he left on the side of the road...it left me wanting more...that's a good thing..

Crystal clear beauty. The wording is great and the imagery is remarkable. Makes it easy for me to understand whats going on. I liked Deborah.

And some things by the end i was confused by. Some things unclear and maybe when writers are revealed i can ask. But still i was left wanting to read a few pages more.

Great job!! Probably the best i've read so far.

OH! and i have to commend you on doing the drama genre well and not tipping the scale to a soap opera. Thats a pet peeve. And you did it well!

I didn't really like the way the line was used, it felt out of place.

That being said, everything else about the script was superb. The details, descriptions, dialogue, I could picture everything perfectly in my head and the characters were pretty well developed as well.

As everyone has said above, there is still a lot be resolved, but I'm less disappointed and more eager to check back in a week or so for another installment (whether it takes place before or after this one, either one could I believe be pulled off effectively). Long story story, it left me wanting more and was very well written.

Very strong descriptive writing and it is a really strong effort. It’s a true drama and can be visualized very clearly.

Since the positives are well explained above I’m going to take a go at the negatives:

When I was reading it there were several points when I was thinking OK enough, I’ve got the idea, can we move it along. There are a lot of places where you are going shot by shot. They might be nice shots but in places the result felt to me like a slow pace. This could be tightened up a lot.

There is a long stretch from page 3-10 where you are totally dependent on dialog. OK people in the diner serve food and drinks but aside from that they all sit about talking slowly. Done well it could be great drama, done OK it would be dull.

The abruptness of the transition to a violent shoot em up for pages 10-12 is disappointing after what has gone before. I’d suggest having Fred arrive calmly and working with Mercy being afraid and a build up of tension with the other diners before he snaps and things turn bad.

Deborah being shot and disappearing so quickly feels disappointing because she is the co-lead of the thing so I think she should participate in the final sequences.

The ending with the paramedics, newswoman, and policeman is a total anticlimax adding nothing to the story. It would be better if it ended with the Mercy, Mercy, Mercy line. Unfortunately we’d have to disqualify you from the contest!

Speaking of the contest I’d say this is borderline because all you actually have is a minor character who happens to be a mail man but who could have been anything making use of the line at an inappropriate time. The story does not hinge on that line at all and that line would be one of the first in the trash if this was edited to go into production.

Like I said at the top I thought this was good but if you rewrite it hopefully there is something useful in these other comments.

This one seems to be getting some good feedback, so I figured I'd pop it open and take a look.

I'd say that I'm pretty much on board with a lot of the other comments I've seen already, in that this is well written, but I was hoping for a little more.  I guess there's really not a whole lot to be done about it given the parameters of the challenge, but I really hope that you'll go back to this and extend it.

As far as guesses go, I really don't know, but I think this is from somebody that I haven't had the opportunity to read too much from yet.  I think stebrown's guesses are off, because Phil runs the contest, Bert hasn't been reading, and I (if I'm the Mike you're speaking of) didn't enter.  I'm throwing that out there because some people could avoid reading based on that.

One thing I noticed, and this is today's useless piece of info, is that you refer to the hotel room as just that, a hotel.  What you've laid out is a classic "motel" room, and in case you're not sure what the difference is, a motel has rooms that are directly accessible from the outside.  Because of this, they're more likely to be sleazy.

Anyway, good writing, but a little short on story, most likely due to the length restriction I think.  Nice work.

Hello Mr. Oak,

Let me tell you that my first impressions of this were not bad at all. I felt like some of the descriptions were very well done and I could feel the lovely rural flavor you were injecting into this. It was "that" type of script and that came through really well.

I could tell that you were rushing at the end and trying to fit it all in. I would suggest you make this longer.

I liked the title of this and the neatness of the girl's name.

There is still room for tightening, but that is all just touch up.

I wasn't satisfied by the ending of this-- she seemed to be scruples-less, but I think I might have missed something.

What I'm going to mention here, and I know it sounds picky, but I really feel like the writer here isn't living up to their potential. I see here some moments of brilliance and then I see typos (especially in the opening) that look far too careless.

The thing I'm trying to point out is: Don't piss off a tired and struggling editor that has dreams of grandeur tied up in their own pitiful works collecting dust inside of his dead grandmother's armoire.

Don't give him a chance to toss your script because of carelessness. When you're famous, it won't matter. Unless the sheer writing brilliance shines so much on the page that it blinds the reader and they can't notice the errors, you can't afford to appear careless.

>[Break] (typo) lights glow in the fog as the car stops short.

>With a growl, the car disappears in the mist.

These are perfect examples of good clear, brief writing. (despite the error)

Also, these are perfect image shots. Way to go!

I really got the pictures with this read.

And I can still see Mercy walking up the road, picking up her belongings.

I don't think this script is tops, but I definitely think it has potential, (and I mean that). If you develop Mercede's character, this will definitely do a lot for this one since that's the title.

A very solid effort!!!!

Sandra

Holey moley and guacamole too! I just finished reading the reviews and I am totally in disagreement with most of yall.

Please, to the writer, I'm not lowering the work of this script. You probably worked long and hard or you are very talented and pulled it off rather quickly. It doesn't matter. I simply did not think it was anywhere near being the best that I've read so far and I'm now on my 12th read.(

I don't want to sugar coat anything. I always believe in giving an honest review. I felt in total agreement with Zombie Sean in his post. There were too many questions. And truthfully, I liked the writing in (what some have called the copycat Batman script) The Ballad of Uncle Sam) a lot more.

Use this comment to push yourself over the top. Don't pay attention to of a bunch of flaky critiques. (Sorry, but that's the way I feel here.)

Sandra

Hey Garry; Wow. Quite a mixed bag here.

I liked it overall, but agree that it did seem like you rushed it some, like maybe you put it off until Thursday, planned to work on the rewrite Friday night, but wound up staying at the beach too long to watch a amess of baby sea turtles get released, then made it home just in time to rewrite it into Final Draft before hitting the send button at 10:30 pm....But that's just a hunch.

That being said, take advantage of the 15 pages. Use the space. Give the characters a little bit more breathing room, and put a neat little bow on the short. This is a snippet, almost a prologue to the main feature...

to quote Sammy Era Van Halen..."finish what you started..."

BW

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Don't pay attention to of a bunch of flaky critiques. (Sorry, but that's the way I feel here.)

That's a pretty bold statement.  I didn't find your review to be that much different than anyone else's, really.

Quoted from Shelton That's a pretty bold statement.  I didn't find your review to be that much different than anyone else's, really.

Huh.  I thought she was referring to her review!

Quoted from Shelton That's a pretty bold statement.  I didn't find your review to be that much different than anyone else's, really.

I agree. It was probably too bold, and not quite accurate because there were some good reviews in this thread, like Pwitcroft's and Chris Reid's come to mind as well as some others, but I think the one that got me was one that went something like:

Definitely top drawer stuff, better than anyone could do in a week.

It seemed to gush without offering anything substantial. Even if the person doing the crit absolutely LOVES the work, they should try and offer something more.

It's like Michael said, regarding Red Eye. It was late, it was his first read, and he was cranky.

When I read a fair amount of glimmering reviews that I didn't feel were truly substantial, I wrote boldly-- yes, I did. Maybe I was pulling a "Simon," but I felt I needed to be honest there.

To the person who wrote: "I thought she was referring to HER review." You don't know how many critiques I do each week in many milieux; so I see a lot. And how much &#@! I write in scripts, flash fiction, novels, articles... It's no different for me-- I see the mistakes in my own work fly at me left, right and center and sideways.

The thing is: That I see some young writers who I can tell worked hard on what they did even though they are still very green. And I think they need to be credited for their effort. On the other hand, a writer that shows some brilliance, but is careless or just burnt out, needs help to scrutinize their work; not just praise and very little else.

I'd rather have someone I respect tell me my work is garbage, then someone tell me my work is amazing, but the storyline needs work or something general like that. Sometimes a person really needs to dig, to figure out what's wrong.

And some people on here give excellent examples. Cindy, Blakkwolfe, Dogglebee, Pia... Even the High and Mighty Death Monkey are full of substance in what they say.

So I'll end with, give some examples when you critique.

Sandra  

Quoted from Grandma Bear I personally find it harder to write useful comments when the script is really good. My reviews at Mp are usually short for those I vote VERY GOOD or EXCELLENT on, but tend to get quite long for the ones I vote POOR or FAIR. I liked Mercy...

That happens to me too. It's hard to critique some works that you know are good, but you're still trying to offer up suggestions and you get tired after awhile. Plus, as we get on in reads, our crits I think naturally get shorter. I start writing: Read the other ones. And someone says, "Whah?"

Mercy isn't in my top three for this OWC, but I rank it (with still some reads to go) perhaps in around the top eight or so.

I would definitely like to watch its evolutions into a full feature , with those pesky little questions answered and see some real nice clean copy with it.

Sandra

Yeah Sandra that was my review, and not one of better ones. Seriously was impressed with this script though and couldn't think of any suggestions to improve it. Like Pia, my reviews seem to suffer the more I like a script.

This is getting a little off track.

I suggest moving the conversation here

Sorry Shelton,

For the sake of not spiraling this board way off topic, I went ahead and just deleted my last post.

Thanks for pointing it out.

Is this where my review for Mercy goes?  I'm not sure anymore.

No nay sayers. Good. Then I'll just proceed - shall I...

It wasn't a shabby job for a weeks worth.  I will give it that.  The characters were good (though there was almost too many) and there was story here (though it was story-lite).  For a short, I think left too many unanswered questions (but I do understand why you did that).  There were a number of typos as well.  Brake light not break light for one.

I would put this in down as one of the top OWC entries I read - but - I think this would be much improved with a few more pages added.  There isn't really enough time to get the know all the characters you have created and unfortunately this left me with a hankering for a bit more backstory.  

What you have here is quite good, though with a bit more development it could be excellent.

So I did like this story, and it was very well written. I got hooked into it immediately and it never let go until the very end, a really well done on that. My biggest problem though is exactly that, It was a fast paced script that seemed to be heading to a great climax and I got nothing in the end. No explanations, no hint of what she had done, nothing. But as Sniper has already said the great writing makes up for this somewhat.

Believable characters, believable dialogue and an interesting premise, not too shabby my friend.

BUT, and a big but here. The idea of having to incorporate a specific line into the story is to ensure that this is indeed written in a week. In fact Bert does ask that the line has at least some relevance to the story and not just thrown in from left field. In this scripts case I am not sure that you met the criteria, the post office line does indeed seem to have been thrown in there with no real story relevance at all. This could very easily have been a script you already had written with just that line thrown in. I am of course not suggesting for a minute this is the case but the story could have had more relevance to the post office.

It feels bad to find something to moan about in what was otherwise a really good script, well done.

Cheers

Interesting story. Would have liked to know what was going on at the end between Fred and Mercy. There's more to this story especially behind Mercy. The quote seemed misplace not structure wise but content wise as GM pointed out. It didn't make much sense in it.  But this was very visual and had great dialgoue.

Gabe

Hey blakkwolfe,

Just wanted to say once again nice script. They really had voices to them, even if it meant sparing story for good dialogue.

Did ya really rush to see sea turles? That's adorable.

Joseph,

Very well written but it's incomplete. I hope you write a new draft, I would love to read it.

Rob

Quoted from Souter Fell Did ya really rush to see sea turles? That's adorable.

That's entirely true. My mother in law is a "turtle watcher" down here on Anna Maria Island. We were at the beach, chillin out when she got the call that 70 turles were going to be released at 8:30 pm...on Friday. My 9 year old, who LOVES, turtles was so excited he could barely stand it...I was gonna skip out early an try to finish my last revision, grab my camera and tripod and try to run back in time...That wasn't gonna happen...But it was excellent to see 70 of those little buggers crawl along the sand into the waves..

So, unfortunatley the last act of Mercy suffered a bad case of premature ending, but we were all psyched about the turtles...

Thanks to all for all the comments and thoughts. I appreciate it greatly.

Yeah, I will revisit this...I can't let Mercy get away with it this time....

Yes Joseph! Go see the baby sea turtles-- that's special!
Doing that kind of thing is important too.

What I especially noticed about this one were the strong visuals.
It was only at the end that I felt it really started to suffer.

It's funny how some of us could sense that sense of rushing as you headed
into the stretch.

I think that the script was just getting going and then it was wrapped up.

I can see this one going a long way. This was just a sprint, and Mercy,
I'm sure, will go the distance!

Sandra

I'm bumping this one up because I think Joseph deserves it.

Sandra

my homage to a most enjoyabel read...i reference it often when writing...thanks for the submission...like the turtles, what's below the surface is usually the most interesting...thanks again...

peace,
db "slap shot"

I'll start with saying this was fantastic.  Very gripping with excellent scene descriptions and characters fleshed out just enough for a short piece.  You can always tell when you like a piece when you want more after finishing.

Cool! I'm glad you liked it...I'm currently working on building on this...Of course, she becomes a stripper, gets involved with the wrong bunch of guys and totally screws up her "Uncle Joey's" efforts to get away from the Mob...

Thanks for reading!

t. joe