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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The July, 2021 OWC  ›  Missus - July OWC Moderators: Yuvraj
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Don
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Missus by Dr. Vladmir von Vanple - A woman in her sixties seems very nervous to reconnect with a younger man from her past.   Short, Drama


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Robert Timsah
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, especially the dialogue. Real, gritty, and relatable. Good job.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure I really get them as estranged particularly and there's no real harshness/drama to this, more of an unrequited love vibe...

And sorry, and just my opinion, but her actions in the car after the reunion are so far out of left field that I was taken entirely out of the story.

The reveal/3rd variable... not sure it added too much


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Rob
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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This is a very solid script. The writing is sharp and the overall idea is a good one. I like the line "I look divorced." Nancy moment in the car at the end is a little shocking, but effective.

I feel like the script could use a bit more tension, either between Nancy and her former student or with her husband at the end. Maybe the former student should have an ax to grind with his former teacher.

A lot to like.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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Haha! A Sexual 'Hall Pass' huh? Sort of.  Nancy going to get her kink on.  Okay, Nancy loves him and Morgan loves her. Clearly both are comfortable with this arrangement. I get it, I do, and it’s a solid story, no doubt, but...it’s too swell of a marriage.  Methinks somewhere in here you do need to amp up the tension. Maybe her hubby is not okay with it anymore or maybe she tries to break things off with Greg, and he doesn't want that. Anywaz, I’m just rambling. Believe it or not, I really do like this, but more work on the estranged angle is needed. JMHO. Good effort. Best of Irish luck! -A


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LC
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Some really nice human observations in this.

I look divorced  

The story itself just felt a little all over the place for me, a bit unfocused as to what the actual take-away was.

Nancy and Greg meet, but nothing much happens apart from flattery and reminiscing. I think it might have been more powerful if Greg rejected Nancy following some clumsy sexual overtures - more conflict, more sad and cringe-worthy - and then home to reality and Morgan. That'd be my preference over the masturbation scene which, much as I wasn't expecting it, didn't quite work for me. If you're sticking with that scene I think it might resonate more if you added tears - aka: sadsturbating, mastursobbing.

There's a lot to like here, don't get me wrong, but I think you could have mined just a bit more in the emotional department.



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Warren
Posted: July 20th, 2021, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

This one could have used another edit.

Wow, that's quite a tone shift on page 4!

This one didn't land for me unfortunately. I just didn't find the story overly engaging.

All the best.


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PKCardinal
Posted: July 21st, 2021, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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A couple of really nice lines in here, as others have pointed out.

Overall, it fell a bit flat though. The teacher thing was a nice little twist that might have been played for more tension. As Greg is older now, how does he view their past relationship -- whatever it was? Did they have a relationship at all? Was it inappropriate? If so, how did that affect him as he navigated young adulthood and then into his marriage? Is it somehow connected to his divorce?

Obviously, you went for subtle. And, generally, I like that. Unfortunately, this time, I wanted a bit more. Except when it wasn't subtle... then I wanted a bit less.


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AlsoBen
Posted: July 21st, 2021, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Vladimir,

I like the dialogue in the dinner scene.

The ending confused me, what are you trying to establish?

The “third variable” being Nancy’s husband is a bit of a stretch.

Thanks for sharing!


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JEStaats
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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That was different. The set-up took a bit longer than necessary (1 1/2 pages) but that's just me.

*Spoilers*

Sangria at a Mexican restaurant? WTF? Just kidding

Was the masturbation the 3rd variable? It solved her sexual frustration (rimshot)!

Not very estranged, hardly at all. Just an uncomfortable meeting for both. Nancy still loves her hubby, so that's not it.

Low budget! Good job, writer.
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 23rd, 2021, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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The relationship/conversation between the main characters didn't feel like estranged ones but felt rather uncomfortable.

I guessed the ending the moment Nancy entered her house. So, there's that.

Anyways, good luck.


Most recent script: The Menacing- short
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