The FBI Agent With Fever Dream by The FBI Agent With Fever Dream - An FBI agent suffering from fever dream uses a Dream Invader method to enter his wanted partner's dream to not only catch him but cure his illness. That puts the agent in danger.  Short, Thriller, Sci-Fi

To be honest, I found the robotic way everyone talked kind of…worked? In some weird way, the dialogue was almost Lynchian (or more like something in a Yorgos Lanthimos movie), which contributed to the dream like atmosphere, but you’ve separated the dream sequences very clearly in the script from “real life”, making me think it’s unintentional.

It’s very odd to read characters who, for instance, run into each other at a park and have a conversation saying exactly - and ONLY - what they are thinking to each other, almost supernaturally strange. It was distracting from your key plot, I think.

Even the title is an example of this - it describes word for word the premise of the script. There’s little abstraction here outside the dream, and again I don’t know exactly whether this is unintentional or intentional but executed inconsistently.

This was a little bit of a rough read, but I was able to understand the story.

I loved the humor that was embedded during the training & practice sessions. The image you create of Trent practicing his screaming technique in public and people's angry reactions was hysterical to me.

I had a hard time reading this one.  The action was so dense it became difficult to read.  I found myself skimming.  The best part of the story was finding out that both agents were suffering from the fever dreams simultaneously, and overcame them in different ways.  Good that the bad agent overcame his by turning himself in.  That was a good twist.  I liked that.

I'm going to guess this is one of your first screenplays.

The story is pretty good but it's getting lost in the overly long action lines.

Try and keep Action paras to a maximum four lines.

Think in terms of how you're writing camera shots and write a new paragraph, for example, when a character is introduced.

Example:
EXT. MYSTERIOUS PLACE - EVENING (be more specific with this mystery place. It sounds like a Forest? If so, list that as your scene header, then write in your description.

So it would be:
EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

Trent stands in the middle of a mysterious place (no need to repeat what's already in your scene header.) where
lots of fog surround it.

Suggest something like:
Tall trees and thick undergrowth. Trent stands stockstill within a shroud of fog.

He walks carefully. (He treads carefully).
It's deathly quiet, and then...

He hears someone running and starts to run after the sound. The sound stops and he stops. Suddenly, the fog is gone, revealing a waterfall. It's sound gets louder and louder.The deafening sound makes Trent run away.

Suggest something like:

The sound of footfalls.
Running away from him.
Trent follows the sound.
Moving faster now...

His footfalls stop and start in time
with the person he's pursuing.
In the distance another sound -- a roaring.

Trent keeps moving -
Then quite suddenly stops.
The fog lifts as he steps into
a clearing,
revealing a waterfall.


Suddenly, Trent hears a strange sound from the waterfall
and he turns around, seeing his wanted partner's huge face
on the waterfall. He is WILFORD DICKSON, 32, tall and
thin, with long and straight hair, smirking at Trent.
Wilford comes out of the waterfall and jumps into the
river. Trent runs to jump into the river. He chases
Wilford under the water. They run as if they run on the
road. Finally, they stop.

What sound does Trent hear?
Perhaps laughing from his ex partner?

Standing under the waterfall, WILFORD DICKSON, 32.
For a split second both men face-off with one another. No words. And then the corners of Wilford's mouth rise. He smirks.

Sudden movement as he leaps into the air, executes the perfect swan-dive, then disappears into the rolling rapids below.

You need to build a rhythm for the action. Keep it concise so it's easy to follow.

Hope this helps.

This was a very inventive read, just needs editing, a little more focus, and more flow to the words.

Writer,

Generically speaking, no big fan of the title; too OTN for me, but that's neither here nor there.

The premise was interesting, reminds me a bit of astral travel, but it took a bit of time to get there. Other's have mentioned it already, but worth repeating, I would pare down the description to make it an easier read.

Not bad. All the best,

Ghost

Dear FBI Guy,  I could just ditto everything Libby (LC) said above.  There's a lot of exposition going on that could use a good trim - it would definitely make for an easier read.  That said, your story idea is a good one, although I'm not sure where the revenge part comes in - unless it's that the partner now has fever dreams?  Anyway, a good polish with the above suggestions could make this a really interesting story.  Good luck and thanks for sharing in the OWC!

So, I'm guessing a newer writer here - so kudos for getting a script in.

The parameters probably help a little here as some of it feels like it could be a dream within a dream.

But for me there's too much in terms of description inside the dream chase sequence, too dense and reads more like narrative fiction.

Afraid this lost me about page 7.

It's an interesting take...having the protagonist's dream affect the antagonist's dreams. I like that.

Also, cool use of the "hard to scream in a dream." Everyone's experienced that one...trying to scream and it just won't come out.

As for notes, I don't have much to add that hasn't been covered. The biggest improvement you will see will come from following LC's advice to the letter. Cut, cut, cut. Not action, just action description. That, and study up a bit on subtext. It's fun to play with, and can really boost your writing.

Good job getting a script in! Thanks for sharing.
Paul

I feel like I just woke up from a fever dream after reading this.

I read all of the words.
I understood all of the words.
But none of it made any sense.

There's clearly a language barrier issue going on here so I'll be gentle.

Everything was on the nose, none of it made sense, a tenor shows up at one point... I feel like the whole script was a fever dream within a fever dream.

This wasn't for me.

There are a lot of visual scenes, but way too much description. If you
pare it down, it will help the read and maybe the clarity. I think your
idea of one agent hunting another agent through dreams is sound.
Man, somebody sure hates spiders. The screaming part was interesting.
You have a unique way of creating a situation and then go about
resolving it.
Follow LC's tips and you'll be a better writer moving forward.

I am writer of this script. Besides this one,  I've a July OWC script called Her Red Reading in the short horror section and The Bow and Arrow in the April OWC section.

All of these three scripts are OWC scripts in 2023.

Michael