You Can't Force Love by Omg Stfu - Short, Rom Com - In search of love, a determined man receives help from a female friend.

PROMPT: You're not the one for me. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is really good. The banter between Hannah and Stewart is authentic and entertaining. I especially liked the bit about old farts being buried in the seats of a used car. I liked the character building, especially Hannah being afraid of escalators. You wouldn't think a girl like that is afraid of anything. Then the spontaneous move at the end. Really dug it.

Only downfall is this is NOT low budget. You could crash a car into a house for less than renting out a mall for a shoot. But, it's a great entry. This one will be a front runner.

James

Very sweet!

It had a nice and natural flow. Well defined characters and interesting conversation.

Really liked this.

Hey there.

This was very enjoyable. Sweet, even.

The exchange between Stewart and Hannah was written with a lot of finesse. It's really easy to turn a conversation like this into something sappy or unbelievable, but it really rolled well. In particular, the section with the shirt logos was especially noteworthy.

Overall, a really solid script. Great job!

Greg

Digging this so far. Like the characters and the banter.

This:

Quoted Text STEWART That was your call, Hannah. You’re the one who said I was too stiff, not spontaneous. Said I wasn’t the one for you and we’re better off as friends.

Was really on the nose – it needs to go. I almost think the thought would work better as a VO in his head.

I had the same issue here:

Quoted Text STEWART There’s a lot you don’t know about me. By only allowing me one date then talking on the phone for a few weeks, you’ve barely scratched the surface.

Basically, you are rolling along and I am digging the banter and then every once in a while this exposition drops – need to find a better way to get it in there.  Hope that makes sense.

Murder she Wrote is a really dated reference – I’d look for something a little more current.

This rang more like a you are the one for me theme – but okay…..

Talent here – I like the characters – clean up the places where the dialogue is exposition laden and you’re home, IMO. Enjoyed it.

Not sure if this meets the criteria. The characters walk through multiple departments, use an elevator, an escalator and go to a different floor. There would be loads of extras required and even though only the red head speaks, this is hardly a low budget one location chat between two characters.

However, that aside, the dialogue was very natural and sweet. Definitely a romcom and a nice ending. The only time I think it needed a tweak was when it sounded like exposition for the audience. Whenever one character says, remember? to another, it sounds unnatural. This only happens a few times and Dave has already pointed some out.

Good job!


-Mark

Not sure on some of the criteria here, but I liked the story and the characters.

It is sweet and cute, and the banter was good... my only real issue was that I couldn't quite picture how they'd ever got close in the first place... minor quibble though.

Good effort

Well, I'll be... An honest to goodness RomCom. Yay! And, you pulled it off darned well too.

There’s  a  lot  you  don’t  know  about  me. By  only  allowing  me  one  date  then talking  on  the  phone  for  a  few  weeks, you’ve  barely  scratched  the  surface.

Just noticed Ant's comment, and if this is what he was wondering...This is how they know each other pretty well, over the phone. Maybe make it over the Internet - Skype or Zoom chats? I think that might modernise it a bit. Thing is how can you get info across - exposition (they already know it) to the audience and make it sound more casual?

Take out 'by allowing me'. It really sounds like she didn't like him at all. No more (soup) dates for you.  

I'd go with one of these: Ah, you've really only scratched the surface Or: There's a lot you don't know about me. Not both.

Suggest something like:
Zoom and one proper date don't even scratch the surface, you know...
Is that so?
Yeah. There's more to me than just tea and Dockers.
You got 'em in every color, I bet. Or: But you got 'em in every color, am I right?
Maybe...
I knew it!

...help with my fashion dilemma?

You’re  like  a  real time  Abercrombie  and  Fitch  ad.
Suggestion: You're like a walking Abercrombie and Fitch ad.

I dunno, I'm nit-picking for sure. I'd just edit out some of the unnecessary words to up the rhythm more.

I think this was great. Definitely pick-upable/filmable as is.

The big location (it is only one location so you didn't break any parameters there) might be a budget/opportunity problem but maybe settle for a strip mall and film the escalator/elevator sections separately.

Loved the acerbic wit of the Estee Lauder girl - brakes up any threat of too much saccharin.
Her lines were unexpected, so great job there.

I was thinking get rid of Angela Lansbury too, but it's so quirky it might work.

For the most part the dialogue is breezy and accomplished. Maybe just give it another go around to make it even a bit more casual and off the cuff sounding. Brevity with some of the banter, so it flies back and forth.

Great job. Thoroughly enjoyable.
Thank you for submitting a RomCom!!

P.S. True story: A Guy actually asked me to come shopping with him once to help him update his daggy clothes.

A cute rom/com which appears to happen in multiple locations? Maybe same building doesn't count

A nice interaction back and forth between two interesting characters.
You could sense the feelings between based on the great dialogue.

Nice work writer

Aside from the fact that this script totally blows up the “one-location” criteria, this story works really well. I liked the banter because it seemed natural and gave us a lot of information about the characters in an interesting way. Of course, in the end, the premise was upended: Stewart might, after all, be the one for Hannah.

Lines about farts on car seat worked for me. I also liked the line about Dockers being soft at the end.

Nice dialogue overall. Some of it included a tad too much background info. The guy said he had all colors of Dockers. On one hand it is reasonably funny, but on the other hand it feels a little forced. They seem to know each other pretty well, so he wouldn't necessarily declare the color spectrum of his pants. They might have a code or shorthand between them that could cut through some of this.

Funny. Worthy. Hard not to like the ride up the escalator at the end.

I quite enjoyed this, in terms of being able to spend some tomes ieth these people. The dialogue was fresh and pleasant.

Agree with some of the plot and premise stuff but this was really engaging overall.

Really good dialogue, it felt natural. The writer could have fallen into the "on the nose" trap with Hannah, but they didn't.
The fart line was great, the escalator bit was very cute.

The whole story is about how they're not meant for each other, and it culminates with a: "Let's try it out." Perfect.
It works for me as being one location, but I guess it could have been changed? The escalator thing is too cute, though.

Good stuff, thoroughly enjoyed!

Dang it, I really didn't want to like this but I did. A couple of clunky pieces of dialogue but all in all, pretty darn good. Too bad it fails for one location since they went to a couple different departments. KIDDING!

Really good work on display, writer. Congrats.

Perusing comments because my chores on done.

Saw several related to this failing the one location parameters. I really disagree there. Libby stated in the Q and A that it could be multiple rooms in one location. I viewed the mall is the location and the different stores just akin to different rooms - my take anyway.