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Moving On - OWC (currently 711 views) |
Don |
Posted: September 24th, 2021, 10:33pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Moving On by Below Average Score - Sometimes moving on isn't so straightforward. Short, Dramedy |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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SAC |
Posted: September 25th, 2021, 5:30am |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Haha. There you go! I could have done without the tongue in (erm) cheek names, but I liked this a lot. Only thing I’d change is Ben’s goodbye line a bit more clever. Something to hang this story on, according to the challenge, that is. Still, nice going!
Steve |
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Reply: 1 - 17 |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: September 25th, 2021, 7:03am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts791 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Hi, writer,
For a one-pager, it is decent and funny. It is also easily filmable. Nothing more to say.
Good luck. |
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Reply: 2 - 17 |
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khamanna |
Posted: September 25th, 2021, 8:11am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Ahaha I laughed. Nice, reached the end and going back to - “I’ve always been the center of her world” and laughing some more.
Maybe try to do less characters? The first line reads expositional - I don’t think you need it. This is very effective and a great job for a 2-pager |
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Reply: 3 - 17 |
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Zack |
Posted: September 25th, 2021, 7:31pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4500 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
A pretty simple and straightforward tale. And well-told, too. Writing is a bit messy. (Is it Ben's car or Ben's SUV? Pick one.) Still, I enjoyed this one. Good work. & |
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Reply: 4 - 17 |
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RolandJ |
Posted: September 25th, 2021, 8:51pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts105 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Writer; Age old tale of he (she) who laughs last laughs best. Nice |
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Reply: 5 - 17 |
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LC |
Posted: September 26th, 2021, 1:46am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7630 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Hmm, needs more is my instant reaction.
...she fights the urge to scream.
Is this her biting her lip and resisting the urge to groan with pleasure... considering what's going on under the covers while she's taking the phone call?
I think you have a good little story here, minus the euphemistic character names and the nod and wink to your readers, but it needs filling out imho. More of Ben's egocentric comments would have been amusing. The centre of the world line was vgood.
If you add just a bit more (like another I just read,) to make me really feel it, both dramatically and comedically, then I'd be more satisfied. As is, I feel like you served up entree only.
Met the brief nicely.
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Reply: 6 - 17 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: September 26th, 2021, 9:21am |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Hi Below Average Score,
I had to do a double-take at "Knutsack".
This was a funny tale, loved it. Not much to give as it's a 1-pager, and a good one at that, but boy howdy that was fun.
Good job.
Sean |
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Reply: 7 - 17 |
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ColinS |
Posted: September 27th, 2021, 11:07am |
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January Project Group Keep Believing!
LocationUK Posts242 Posts Per Day 0.24 |
Wow. That was short and sweet!
Good luck! |
| "Some Day I'll Be Saturday Night..." |
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Reply: 8 - 17 |
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Kevin_L |
Posted: September 27th, 2021, 9:35pm |
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New
Posts143 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Writer,
Nothing below average about this. Short and very funny. Great Job.
All the best. |
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Reply: 9 - 17 |
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Pleb |
Posted: September 28th, 2021, 2:25pm |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Crikey that was short!
So short I'm not sure what to make of it. It made me chuckle but you had space to do more.
Good luck!
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Reply: 10 - 17 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: September 28th, 2021, 4:21pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Funny.
Consider changing the corny names. They don't add anything. And, give us even more of Ben's ego. That's what really sells the joke.
Good job. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 11 - 17 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: September 28th, 2021, 5:48pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Jade Knutsack? I could see using that as a guy's name but a girl? Man...
First, loved that it wasn't even a full page and you were able to tell a story in that short span. The story didn't necessarily overwhelm me but it did finally catch my attention with the one-way ticket by the bedside. But then I wondered -- how in the world do you show that it's a one-way ticket? That would have to be some amazingly big flashing letters to convey that message. Either that, or you'd have to really linger a long time on the ticket. Still, you took a big swing with this story, and while you may not have hit a home run, I think you got one in the gap. Good job and best of luck with it. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 12 - 17 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: September 29th, 2021, 4:04am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Well done for telling a story in one page.
What was the relevance of the fuel blinking red? I thought he had broken down to begin with.
I would have liked it to be a bit longer, expand the phone call in the beginning a little bit with him yabbering on while she clenches the phone/bites her lip/cries out etc etc etc... would improve the punchline later that she is up to something else.
Good work though |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 13 - 17 |
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Mr. Blonde |
Posted: September 29th, 2021, 3:10pm |
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AdministratorWhat good are choices if they're all bad?
LocationNowhere special. Posts3064 Posts Per Day 0.57 |
Well, this was nice and short. Almost too short to enjoy it. One minor quibble from me: in a matter of moments, as the script describes, Sonia went from fighting the urge to scream to being eaten out by Joey. If she were already cheating (the airline ticket kind of proves that), why fight the urge to scream? I came in a bit lukewarm on this one because I think more could have been done with the idea. Best of luck with this one. |
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