Nothing wrong with a script or movie that simmers. Take Angel Heart for example, one of my favs, but like riding a raft on a lazy river of blood.

Yup, definitely a Brit here (or someone seriously messing with me), and that's somewhat of an issue when reading (UK) writers in North America... one has to forcefully adopt an English/Aussie accent for the humour to land properly. Alas, I grew up watching the BBC so I'm good to go, lol.

There's more than a few one liners in here that lit this up but, ultimately, I would liked to have seen more of the monster theme coming through... and crazy people.

Oh, and because a few others brought it up. Embryonic ooze, such as Tabasco laden runny egg, slowly drooling from his fork while contemplating  the shadowy figure outside as his potential nemesis... might appear more dramatic than sausage. Just throwing that out there.

Overall, I liked it. It's a fun script that delivers on the theme.

Writer,

I kinda liked this one. Still not certain about the monster, though. Vampire? Anyways, it was well told, I could envision the action. A couple things seemed out of place, such as the the jokey dialogue. At first I felt it was gonna ruin the story, but it actually made me root for Gemma. Was sorry to see her go. I liked her. And Ian.

I think with a bit more work and thought this can be really good.

Steve

Brian Stonker,

Something annoyed me straight away here, the calmness of the two people stuck in the room. She even knows people are dying in the place but kind of just shrugs it off. Weird. Overall, the tone in this one is very strange and even though they're being hunted by a vampire, I never got a sense of danger even though the girl dies in the end. Again, the strange tone is to blame here I think.

Pretty bleak ending, probably the best thing about this one. Found it quite funny..

Good luck.

Glenn.

Quoted Text His tee-shirt declares New Order

Not sure if this is reference to "New World Order" or the British  80s band I listened to back in the day....anyway...

Sublocations in an INTERIOR is one thing. Sublocations on EXTERIORS are another matter. When  Ian leaves the Cafe, why bother with the STREET? Might as well write EXT. STREET and be done with it. and then EXT. ALLEY. Later, we get from an INT to the BACKYARD which suggests back to exterior.

No nodding, please. Useless actions.
I guess Ian and Gemma are hunted by a vampire in daylight (?) it's never quite clear to me. The ending suggests hallucination, as Ian will be suspected of murder.

Interesting read, but i couldn't get into it much.

Nodding is fine. Why can't a character nod? It's not a useless action if it negates the need for dialogue. If there is dialogue too, then put it in parenthesis.

DJS, you also said this on Red Riding:

No nodding, please. (p4)
No scoffs, glares or rolling eyes. either (p5) These things are meaningless actions.

Not trying to give you a hard time, but where'd you get this idea from? I know a lot of writers regard 'rolling eyes' as being hackneyed in that we literally don't 'roll' our eyes but more commonly just raise our eyes to the ceiling etc.

But a 'glare' can say a lot, ditto a scoff.
Which silent but meaningful actions do qualify then, and how would you differentiate?

No nodding? What the?

Hmm. Bizarre. I suppose shakes of the head are out too. Keep your head still, for the love of arse.

R

Too slow for me. The pace needs to be picked up.

First scene is day - and this is Dracula???? Ain't he sleeping.

I think it might work better if Gemma was out of it entirely - your Protag's confrontation with this is enough and it might pick up the pace a bit if she were gone.

Middle of the road for me.

The title seems almost aggressively random.

THE GOOD:  Parts of this were charmingly droll.  The part with the doorknob, for example.  Gemma's self-serving attitude was certainly amusing, and some of the other comic touches landed as well.  The ending suits both the story and the general laissez-faire attitude the author seems to impart to it.  

THE BAD:  The bad guy is so bland.  A blond guy in a long coat is pretty much all we get, and while he somehow pops up anywhere without warning, he never manages to generate a feeling of real menace.  And that underlying flaw permeates this piece.  The tension lags.  The writing is fine, but there is no spark that elevates this story up to the next level.      

bert's grade:  C  

Hmmmm.... like the previous script (Strange Case), I've got mixed feelings about this one.

Honestly, I've YET to run across an OWC that isn't obviously written by a competant writer - which is a blessing in any contest like this.  

I'm not sure what the mean of the title is (beyond Ian's shirt.)  And I've got a sneaking suspicion that I might know who wrote this.  I'm definitely guessing someone from the UK, based on several adjectives utilized - including supping, plonks, traipse, matronly and meanders.  

AND - the premise is always good for tension (though a bit overdone these days) - ie: strangers locked in a room together under mysterious circumstances, and trying to find some escape.

Just - I feel it ran too long and could be considerably trimmed.  Also, there was just too much that was left unexplained.  Why was Ian selected? Nothing comes full circle here, which makes me feel like it's a single scene in a bigger film.  

My five cents.  But competantly written, none the less.  

Cheers,

--J (W)

And with a protag named Gemma?  Hmmmmm....

Quoted from rendevous No nodding? What the? Hmm. Bizarre. I suppose shakes of the head are out too. Keep your head still, for the love of arse. R

For the love of arse

Just spotted this...made me LOL ..oh sod it, laugh, in the real world  

This was a pretty good script. Decently written, though there's some awkward phrasing along the way. The very first line for example.

It's another story that I think could've been better if the characters stood out more. I never really knew anything about Ian. At first I even thought he knew who the blonde guy was. I'm also confused what exactly he was saving them for. I'm assuming he does this a lot, so it's surprising he hasn't reenforced the doors and put bars on the windows by now.

I like the end with the vampire disappearing, leaving Ian on the hook, but even that has some problems if you really look into it. She wasn't stabbed with a steak, she was bitten, and it'll be apparent in more ways than one that Ian wasn't the one doing the biting.

So yeah, a nice mysterious and action packed sequence of events, but it needed some character development or motivation to make it feel complete.

Thanks to those who commented. A finger to those that deserve it. The British ones get two.

I might do my usual retorts later. If I can make them amusing, and I can be arsed. I've got a lot of Fargo and Please Like Me to watch, as I'm sure you'll be thrilled to learn. Plus the bloody dog is looking at me with that 'Get it together and take me out you lazy fucker' type face. The eyes are a killer.

R

I look forward to getting those two fingers.

Um....

That sounded better in my head.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I look forward to getting those two fingers. Um.... That sounded better in my head.

Careful or you might get a fist... oh...