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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    November, 2021 OWC  ›  The Change - OWC Moderators: Yuvraj
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  Author    The Change - OWC  (currently 338 views)
Posted: November 19th, 2021, 1:20pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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The Change by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as Men O' Pause - Short, Comedy - How do you explain to your BFF that you're changing into a vampire when all you want to do is tear their throat out? - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 16th, 2022, 10:54am
revised draft
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Posted: November 19th, 2021, 5:24pm Report to Moderator

The Great Southern Land
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Men O' Pause  
This is all kinds of crazy in an enjoyable way overall.

My favourite line:

That’s my belly button, you moron!

She wretches should be:
She retches.

Could be pared back just a bit for my liking, a teeny bit of overkill going on in the dialogue, but that might be down to personal taste.

Parameters met.
Loved that line (above) - maybe could do with adding a couple more of those clever one-liners in another draft?

Definitely held my attention and moments of flair.

Sooo much blood in the opening.  

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Posted: November 19th, 2021, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
Been Around

Some travelling Circus...
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Oh man, the opening scene is right out of a viral pandemic movie with all the orifices bleeding n’ such, but I guess Vampirism is quite the virus, or contagion. But you need full contact to catch this shit, like an STD I guess.

So El Cunto has turned Sharon into a vampire, or she’s well on her way, and Lily and Lily’s mom wants some of that action, but they’re both (seemingly) in the dark so to speak (at least Mum is) cause Sharon’s already infected and trying to hide it from Lily that she’s becoming a vampire, but I’m guessing because Lily’s already a vampire she could probably sense the presence of another vampire, but is not letting on she knows, right? Think I got it.

The final piece is the fact that although Sharon’s alive and breathing and drinking Bloody Mary’s, she’s actually dead… died in the bathroom. Now the whole scenario with heightened senses is Sharon waking or resurrecting herself into the afterlife.

Quite a few puzzle pieces here that took a few reads to get the gist, but definitely a bloody good stab at the challenge, best of luck!

My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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Posted: November 20th, 2021, 5:41am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

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This made me chuckle, even though the language was coarse and a little vulgar for my tastes.

Parameters met and I know you kept to the singular location as suggested, but a nightclub would be beyond most indy filmmaker's budget so maybe change the location or try to keep it in the ladies rooms with Sharon in one stall, Lily in the other, and then this is ultra micro-budget.

For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Posted: November 20th, 2021, 12:25pm Report to Moderator

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This was effective and enjoyable. My favorite moment was when the mum looks at the bloodshed like it was no big deal. The idea of trying to hide your burgeoning vampirism from a friend is a good one. A cheerful spirit, despite the blood.
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Posted: November 20th, 2021, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

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Gory and Vivid.  So Sharon was bitten by Ricardo, El Cunto and is transforming into a Vampire.  She is keeping this secret from Lily and Lily's mum both vampires already; unbeknownst to Sharon.  Plenty of clues I guess.   Do vampires bite vampires?  Kind of cute but I was  not captured by the  humor or horror depicted in the story.
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Posted: November 20th, 2021, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Really good effort here. Solid writing. Maybe a bit wordy. Spotted a few typos as well. Some really good visuals, particularly the gory opening. Also liked the bit with the teeth falling out. Gross.

The dialog is hit or miss for me. Some of it is pretty on the nose, while some of it(the Sleazey Man's) was actually super funny.

Storywise,  not everything lines up... Why does Lily order Sharon a bloody mary "before" she knows she's a vampire?

An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: November 20th, 2021, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

A helluva long way from LA
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Ahoy writer,

You have a swift action hand. Very easy to read and deliciously visual. Good job. I hate to be the lone dissenter, but I  so badly wanted to find this funny -- I wanted to grin, smile, laugh -- but it's just not pressing my buttons. Sorry. It has it's moments. Still good job overall. Best of Irish luck!

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Posted: November 21st, 2021, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Nobody Else

Upstate NY
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I thought the writing was great in spots, but as a while this seems a little unfocused. I’m not quite sure why two young girls are hanging out in such a sleazy spot like this, and I’m not sure why Lily’s plump mum, varicose veins and all, is working there. Maybe the patrons have some rather odd tastes? Anyways, the story was pretty clear, but I think you got too tied up in the surroundings and dialogue and that’s the reason it seems unfocused. That said, your descriptions were outstanding! Sliding across the cracked leather seat, etc. I felt I was there. In fact, in my youngest days, I’m pretty sure I was there. Good effort!


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Posted: November 22nd, 2021, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

No sh*t, there I was....

Tucson, AZ
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So far, this hits the challenge parameters the best. Maybe not the funniest or best written, but top qualifier. Although she wasn't trying to clue her friend that she was a vampire; in fact she was trying to hide the situation.

As others say, the dialogue is a bit over the top but it's always easier to trim something like this than to add. Your description in the women's room was top notch.

Good work, writer.
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Posted: November 23rd, 2021, 5:28am Report to Moderator
Been Around

At my desk
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Hi writer,

The writing is really good. Effective and succinct. The characters and their conversations felt dynamic along with the atmosphere of the club described.

The only issue I can think of is, why did Lily order bloody mary for Sharon? Despite Lily mentioning it in the end that it is not an ordinary drink, meaning obviously it is blood. That means Lily knows beforehand that Sharon is a vampire, right? How? It is only after she bites Lily, Lily knows that she is a vampire. Before ordering the drinks, how Lily concludes that Sharon is a vampire? Lily wasn't paying enough attention to her? I am lost here. It does not stick with the parameters. How does Lily pieces together the hints?

Anyways, kudos for submitting.

Good luck.

Revision History (1 edits)
Yuvraj  -  November 23rd, 2021, 12:42pm
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Posted: November 23rd, 2021, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

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Ok, menaupasal men, here it goes:

From the beginning i see Sharon looking at herself in a mirror etc but I dont' see her asking herself what's going on with her teeth and such. I didn't know she was churning and didn't know what was going on.

But even if I did, you kept going for 8 pages, showing us her, her and Lilly conversing, kind of matter-of-factly by the way and not posing a question, making us wonder and root for one.
So, what should I root for?
Maybe you have it somewhere there, between the lines and I couldn't see it.

Nice descriptions! Very nice writing and all. I think it could have more of a story or something.
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