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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    November, 2021 OWC  ›  Yarn - OWC Moderators: Yuvraj
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Don
Posted: November 19th, 2021, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Yarn by Diedrich Knickerbocker - An old woman covered in yarn spills out her secrets in the middle of the night. Short, Horror


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 2nd, 2022, 1:13pm
revised draft
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Gum
Posted: November 19th, 2021, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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This was ghoulish fun and peppered throughout with of all those strange recipe’s one would partake when conjuring spells in the dark arts. Reminded me of that old fable:

There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wiggled and wiggled and tickled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -
Perhaps she'll die.

This old lady will die… she did die I assume, Aunt Wynne that is, at the Ravenswood Manor for the Austere and Insane… unless it was just a hospital, or… perhaps the paramedics were indeed orderlies sent via the institution and Megan had actually called them because she’s finally had enough of Aunt Wynne’s crazy in the wee hours of the misty mornings.

So, Megan is left with a series of clues she must use in accordance with some old world ritual to ward off her dead uncle’s spirit, just as Aunt Wynne did for perhaps many years.

Without indication, we don’t really know if has been an ongoing nightly ritual, or only during a full silvery moon? Perhaps we’ll never know, but we do know that the strange ritual of swallowing talismans, or a combination of objects to create the right compound to ward off evil or otherworldly spirits is now in Megan’s possession, and following Aunt Wynne’s guidance, or mentor-ship will allow her refuge from said spirits, and perhaps even save her life… but for how long?

Quite the enigma going on here, a yarn if you will, eerily reminiscent of Lovecraft or Poe. Best of luck!


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: November 19th, 2021, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy writer,

Your really know how to spin a yarn. I found myself re-reading a large chunk of this. Granted, I am not the brightest bulb, but... an element of the supernatural? This reads like a classic opening for an Outer Limits episode to me... This has a strong presence. Intriguing. I like the overall idea but methinks you could benefit from adding a page or two. The ending was mixed for me. Good job though.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: November 20th, 2021, 5:52am Report to Moderator
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This was well written, met the parameters well and felt like something straight out of Call of Cthulu. I must admit I thought the Aunt was going to transform into a werewolf, so kudos for not being predictable.

The only issue for me is I felt like Megan when she said, "I don't understand. I don't understand your secrets." I didn't understand enough of this for it to feel like a satisfying story and you had plenty of pages left.

Covering yourself in yarn, armed with a knitting needle and swallowing a live fish and some black marbles as protection from a spirit sure is an original and interesting premise, it just needs more. The why, the how, the backstory. It needs that to feel complete and at the moment it doesn't.

A fantastic effort though, great job.  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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SteveClark
Posted: November 20th, 2021, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Quite a take here. I’d seems to me that the only thing Megan could really use against this entity is the knitting needle. Maybe. The marbles, yarn and the stupid dumb goldfish I’m not so sure about. See, you weaved (ha!) a decent tale, but I’m not sure why any of this is happening to poor Megan. First, you need a reason. Second, we have to know why these are the only objects that can fight off this evil. Without these explanations, this story feels incomplete because there are some key points that need to be made a whole lot clearer.

Overall, good effort for sure. Needs work.

Steve


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JakeJon
Posted: November 20th, 2021, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Upchucking Aunt Wynne has a big secret.  She spewed some thought provoking, clues. A pretty damn enjoyable read.  I really wanted more. So, "Piss on your tea. The secrets's gotta be told now".  Maybe in a longer re-write.  The yarn, the knitting needle, the fish, the marbles, the hulking entity and finally the uncle (give him a name, I think).  Liked this much.   Certainly, some deadly consequences.
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LC
Posted: November 20th, 2021, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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Yet another entry where I feel as if I'm entering the Twilight Zone.  

You get points for sheer inventiveness and quirkiness, much like the candy-corn entry, but honestly I feel like I'm being led up a path where there is no real satisfying payoff to all the nibbles we get beforehand. The goldfish, the marbles, the yarn and the entity were all very intriguing and creepy - I thought uh-oh, some weird Witches of Eastwick thing happening (marbles, cherries) but then there's a bit of an anti-climactic finish.

Uncle Whoozie is back to haunt?
I liked Megan arming herself with the yarn and the rest of the talismans at the end but everything's left a bit too up in the air.

Perhaps this might have been stronger if it were Megan's elderly Mom - and Dad back from the dead? A more direct family haunting?

VOICE (O.S.)
It's me...Megan.

I'd consider writing this as:
Megan...? It's me.

A knitting needle, semi-sharp, long-shafted.
This is horror so go all out. Delete the semi and just make it sharp.

Memorable for sure, but the actual horror needed more showcasing for me.


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JEStaats
Posted: November 22nd, 2021, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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First read of the bunch and surely satisfied. Ah, love me some witches. You spun a good yarn here, writer. I don't mind the unexplained mystery and the open ending at all. This has all the makings of a great little horror short. My only criticism pertains to the dialogue and how unnatural it sounds to me. it's an easy fix, I think. If you read it aloud, you'll notice where it seems forced. Another issue that may need attention is the fact that the items are talisman. You tell us in your writing but it may not be apparent to a viewer. Perhaps have Megan hold one up to inspect casually and it wards off something evil?

Congratulations, though. I really liked this. I could visualize everything. Kudos!
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Zack
Posted: November 22nd, 2021, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Some really odd descriptions, such as...

"...the phone goes stone dead."

Stuff like that consistently pulled me out of the read. Another thing that's irking me is this...

"She grasps a cover from the bed and wraps it around Wynne.
She pulls her close. She struggles for a hopeful tone."

Lots of sentences starting with the word "She." Mix it up. Makes it easier on the eyes.

Dialog isnt striking a cord with me either, particularly Megan's at the top of page 3. Ugh. I hate sounding so negative.

The story itself is quirky and creative, but I'm not really sure why any of it is happening.

Good job on getting something in for this tough challenge. That itself is worthy of some praise.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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LC
Posted: November 22nd, 2021, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna's review:
- copied and pasted from the other general OWC thread.


Oy.
That was quite some clutching, yanking, budging, spitting, dashing around.

I kept wondering why it's going for so long.

Maybe you could have let us know why that started on that very day.
I think that's important.

And Megan became her yarn spinning aunt? I'll reread that part.
It's just took very long to unveiling the reason behind the why and when it did I was out of breath.

I read three (almost four), this one is the best for me tho.


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Yuvraj
Posted: November 23rd, 2021, 6:53am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

The writing and way of presentation are commendable. Neat and visual. The atmosphere you created was effective and fitting as per the story.

However, the ending left me unfulfilled. I believe that you are going for a kind of open ending here. Leaving the fate of Megan to create a sense of unsettlement for the readers. It works but, the secret is not understood by me. Witchcraft? Was her aunt a witch? Or a witch killer? Or the uncle was the real culprit? I'm unable to figure it out. Even the clues; though horrific and nerve-racking; do not help me in piecing this together.

Kudos for entering.

Good luck.


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khamanna
Posted: November 23rd, 2021, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Khamanna's review:
- copied and pasted from the other general OWC thread.


Oy.
That was quite some clutching, yanking, budging, spitting, dashing around.

I kept wondering why it's going for so long.

Maybe you could have let us know why that started on that very day.
I think that's important.

And Megan became her yarn spinning aunt? I'll reread that part.
It's just took very long to unveiling the reason behind the why and when it did I was out of breath.

I read three (almost four), this one is the best for me tho.


Oh, thank you Libby!!

Yes, that's my review, lol.

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