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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    November, 2021 OWC  ›  Children of the Candy Corn - OWC Moderators: Yuvraj
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  Author    Children of the Candy Corn - OWC  (currently 258 views)
Don
Posted: November 19th, 2021, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Children of the Candy Corn by Rich Pudding - A lonely wanker on a lonely highway suddenly finds himself taking a guilt trip down memory lane.  Short, Sci Fi


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Gum
Posted: November 19th, 2021, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Oh man, poor dude, but… that’ll learn ya’, sticking your junk into the great unknown, lol.

I vaguely remember this movie. Some strange otherworldly kids running amok without parental guidance, stirring up all kinds of shit, and murdering parents for some strange cause, guess I could plug it in YouTube to see if it’s available for free.

Ancient alien technology and kids floating around the corn fields, that would be a creepy corn maze experience in the fall, 'children of the candy corn maze'... so wrong.

Anyway, Gomer, as opposed to someone knocking on their door ten years later saying, “hi dad!” ,accidentally (or was it fate) finds his long lost son Jacob, and a bunch of inbreed clones to boot living deep in the heart of America on some farm caught between the future past and the eighteenth century. Clones that he may or may not have fathered via an ancient breeding ritual to harvest his seed, or umm… syrup? Okay, lol.

I guess Jacob wasn't the one who was really lost, as in long lost son, the absence has been Gomer all along, but perhaps he always knew he’d end up back there. Maybe he needs a few extra bucks for a new set of wheels, err… definitely a new window now.

But, now that he knows the truth and reluctantly gives up one more healthy dose of heirloom for sowing, he’s about to meet his ultimate fate at the hands of what could only be construed as his one and only nemesis… the offspring of a really dumbass idea to earn a few bucks in the first place! How many coincidences until it becomes mathematically improbable, that’s what I’ve been saying as of late.

We can only hope that the seedpods don’t accidentally get sprayed with pesticides, otherwise the concept of these genetically modified children might turn out be full blown genetically mutated freaks, lol. Noticed a typo... you'll find it. Best of luck!


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SteveClark
Posted: November 19th, 2021, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Fine imagination on display here. There was lots going on, and I think you felt like you needed to tell us everything. There was an awful lot of set-up for not that big of a payoff. If you had streamlined this, trim it by a page or two, you probably would have had my full attention. Don't get me wrong, you never lost my attention, either. I really wanted to know what was going on and why, but again, the reveal was a bit underwhelming.

Also, there was a feeling of tense comedy running through this and it took me out a little. I think Gomer came across as too aloof, given his college background and all. And Jacob a bit too light, making subtle jokes and smart-ass answers. If you'd gone full creepy I think it would have worked much better. Overall, good effort, but not quite.

Steve


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: November 20th, 2021, 6:13am Report to Moderator
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The logline made me chuckle.  A lonely wanker on a lonely highway suddenly finds himself taking a guilt trip down memory lane. lol!

I like the titles on the page as well, a lovely design.

This one was weird and way out bonkers. I'm not sure it meets the parameters exactly.  Jacob doesn't so much as leave clues for Gomer, he explains all in-depth with lots of exposition, so much so I found myself skipping. It's a huge budget as well.

However, nicely written and it's not afraid to NOT take itself seriously at all. A spoof of Children of the Corn is exactly what this is.


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Rob
Posted: November 20th, 2021, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Any script that combines a flaming jar of molten candy corns and a testicle harvester is automatically a winner in my book. High marks for sheer craziness.

There are a lot of good, sharp lines. I love that the main character is named Gomer. Super-cool title page.

Yeah, maybe the DNA stuff and the revelation could be trimmed/tightened a bit. A little too much of the significance of the candy corn.

Overall, you responded to the unusual parameters of this challenge with sheer weirdness. Gotta respect that.

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JakeJon
Posted: November 20th, 2021, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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This one went way over my head.  Still reeling.  A testicle harvester?  WHOO WHOO!  WARBLE WARBLE.   I couldn't sleep last night.  But you met the parameters.   The OTN dialogue ,near the end, tied up a lot of the loose ends.  Surely not a campfire ditty, hey but, thought provokingly amusing.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: November 20th, 2021, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy writer,

Hahaha! This reminds me of the Robbery in a sperm bank. Don't get me wrong. I love a good "mind fvck" like the next guy/gal, but by the end of this I felt like I was on a bizarre acid trip. Just thought I'd mention it.

The writing is good... If a bit too wordy on the tech-like jargon.  I know, exposition is a necessary evil, but I had to mention it. Clearly this a spoof, and a good one. So hats off to your twisted mind. And I have a inkling feeling who wrote it. Love the title page. Despite problems mentioned by others' - dare I say I liked it. Good Job!


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LC
Posted: November 20th, 2021, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, that's me fallen down the rabbit hole and not sure if I'll resurface.  

What the hell is molten candy corn? Likely a local knowledge thing we're not accustomed to downunder.
Still, I bet you've never had a chip butty before...

This sure is some crazy discombobulation of plot. Do you remember Sandra Elstree? She was a long time poster here who hasn't made her presence felt in a while. If she ever returns you and she should team up. What a mind-bender of a script that would be.

Title page: Tick.
Parameters: I think that's a tick, given his secret activities and past coming back to bite him.

Anyway, this was warped, complicated, amusing, and visually delightful.
You could do with, (dare I say,)an Editor, as at one point I did start seeing double, but then I expect the mere mention of one might horrify your creative sensibilities.

P.S. Not sure I've ever seen that particular word used in a logline before.  


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Gum
Posted: November 21st, 2021, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

What the hell is molten candy corn? Likely a local knowledge thing we're not accustomed to downunder.
Still, I bet you've never had a chip butty before...



Seriously, no candy corn downunder?! Thought it was a universal thing… like Twinkies, lol.



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Gum  -  November 21st, 2021, 2:13pm
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LC
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Quoted from Gum
Seriously, no candy corn downunder?! Thought it was a universal thing… like Twinkies, lol.

Seriously. What's a Twinkie? Don't worry I looked it up.  

Btw, I thought at least there'd be corn in the candy corn. Thought they'd be like Lolly Gobble Bliss Bombs - that's a Cracker Jack to you.

Fantales, (that one's for film fans) Freckles, Freddo Frogs, Caramello Koala not to mention Tim Tam bikkies. Bet you've never heard of our iconic Golden Gaytime ice-cream either?

I could go on but don't want to bloat this thread. We can get most of your treats in our specialist lolly outlets now, but up until recently, nope. Ours are better anyway.  


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khamanna
Posted: November 21st, 2021, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Ha, interesting.

I think you should completely loose the Radio at the beginnig. It's not connected to the rest of the script but it seems like I need to pay attention to it.
And then it turns out it doesn't matter.

This was dialog heavy for me. My attention was lost at times. Also it was expositional.

I chuckled outloud at all the "inbred" talk. Very funny. Good premise. If you found a way to make it less talky and expositional it would be very good.
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Zack
Posted: November 22nd, 2021, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Solid writing here, reads fast.

The story is alright. Not really much of a payoff, considering how complicated the setup is. The comedy is just so-so. I actually think this would be better if this were played straight.

Still, a really good effort here.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.

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Zack  -  November 22nd, 2021, 4:04pm
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JEStaats
Posted: November 22nd, 2021, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Ouch, that was not for me. Way overwritten for my taste and way OTN. Found myself skimming by page four and got tired of hearing Gomer Pyle's accent in my head as I read.

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Yuvraj
Posted: November 23rd, 2021, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

This one is very dialog-driven. And I think most sci-fi stuff is anyways. The imagination is amazing, to come up with such a crazy idea. The writing was also decent.

Although the parameters were met, I needed a much more clever execution that would have led to a stronger payoff here.

Kudos for submitting.

Good luck.



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Yuvraj  -  November 23rd, 2021, 12:43pm
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