SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 25th, 2019, 1:53pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The scripts of the April/May OWC have been posted


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    2015 7 Week Challenge  ›  Treasure Chest - 2015 7WC - Feature Moderators: Angry Bear
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Treasure Chest - 2015 7WC - Feature  (currently 3750 views)
Don
Posted: August 1st, 2015, 10:34am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12904
Posts Per Day
1.94
Treasure Chest by Richard Russell - Thriller - A antique tea chest leads to a quest for treasure that ensnares a beautiful interior decorator. 101 pages - pdf, format




Treasure Chest - First 10 Pages by Richard Russell - Thriller - An antique tea chest lands an interior decorator in the fight of her life.  1st 10 pages - pdf, format



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 12th, 2015, 6:49am
posted the feature
Logged
Site Private Message
Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 1st, 2015, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


where's my simply scripts thong?

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2535
Posts Per Day
0.90
just about to read this...do you have an r...in your name. surely not spelling your own name wrong on the title page.

if so, that makes me feel so much better about all my typos...

cheers


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 34
Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 1st, 2015, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


where's my simply scripts thong?

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2535
Posts Per Day
0.90
here we go

first off, i accept this si draft, its the first ten, and we are not looking at a polished number. mine won't be when i put it forward.

small points.

first line is an orphan. so what, but then you have a five liner with an orphan - all I'm saying is that this could look cleaner.

initial image - good - father and son - nice and crisp

yeah, like that first page

small thought - with lots of bobby's why not label the father - father


Bobby looks and pulls out a perfectly dry, small chest of intricate design. He sets it on the bench and lifts the lid. Inside, the driest tea leafs ever, leafs hundreds of years old.

again an orphan can be avoided. look, its not the biggest issue, but if your feature has a lot of these, it does add up, further the para looks little heavy, when it could be broken up

PRESENT DAY - needs a super

The intricate tea chest sits on a small table from the 19th century. Looking at the chest is CLAIRE SLEEVE, 35, pretty in shorts and top, a interior decorator on the prowl. She touches the chest and looks across the small store

each to their own but i would have the final line as a separate para


INT. INNER SPACE - DAY  - sorry i have no idea what I'm seeing here

INT. JAXIíS HOUSE - BASEMENT BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS - why continuous, just asking


GRAHAM
You donít know anything. The cops
donít you unless you got enough to sell.

missing word? 'do'


FRANCOIS
Ouch. Not your chest chest, your
treasure chest. That didnít come out right either

like that

overview

logline - for a feature needs some embellishing -

characters - we have pot smoking grandchild, and another, money landing runaway mother, a interior decorator and her gay side kick - all pretty clear

who's story - not sure. probably the interior designer

genre - feels supernatural drama, dark humour, possibly with violence

GSU - old script shadows - goal stakes urgency - goal is likely to be money, or survival, urgency - not sure, stakes - threats etc

would i read on - yeah, i would

best of luck







My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 34
LC
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 12:33am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3212
Posts Per Day
0.83
Richad, lots of typos here. Seems a bit done in a rush.

Nice opening, if a little seen it all before - (not essential, but I think Bobby's Dad needs a name) and then those characters disappear and there's a new character: Claire, who I assume is your central lead protag, but now I'm not so sure... cause more characters are popping up all over the joint. Hey an opening cannot and should not necessarily reveal the entire story, so...

It is intriguing, and I'm wondering where it's all going to go so that's the main thing. If it is as the logline says: a fight for her life then I have high hopes I'll enjoy it. I'd read more, but something significant needs to happen in the next ten or twenty for it to really hook me.

P.S. Those 'leafs' would be 'leaves' - plural, I would think.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 34
Dustin
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 4:35am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

Posts
4884
Posts Per Day
2.32
It all feels very rushed, but that is to be expected from a first ten. I can see these pages being changed quite a bit by the end of this.

Good luck.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 34
hawkeye
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 11:13am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Texas
Posts
680
Posts Per Day
0.29
I'll reiterate what the others have said -- but you can easily go back and clean up. One thing that can help with your orphans is to single space after the end of a sentence.

Just some random thoughts: like Reef said, give Bobby's father a name. That'll help on orphans as well.  Also, it's 1920. Very few people had garages at that time.  Maybe it's a carriage house instead.

One thing I did have a problem with in the first 10 (actually 11) pages. There's no character that I really like. Everyone feels like a jerk.  Maybe Ann will be the difference. If so, maybe there's a way to get her in there sooner.

Not sure I'm feeling it on the mystery surrounding the chest at this point. There ought to be a clue as to it's value (or its danger) that should pop up in those first ten pages.

Best of luck going forward.

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 34
Angry Bear
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 11:35am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6515
Posts Per Day
1.60
I do like the idea of the found tea chest. However, after these first ten pages, I have no idea who our protagonist is or who the antagonist is. You have a LOT of people introduced in just these first few pages. I also have no sense of where this is going or what genre this will be. Tone and mood makes me think drama...

This was a bit of a tough read for me. I felt it was clumsily written, to be honest. Overwritten too.  Lots of typos and such, but I looked past those since this is an early draft.

I like the idea you have, but it needs to be more clear who and what this is about.


Page 1.    Bobby is a middle class kid, but his father is successful...

Gently, slowly, clumsily,

Old fashioned garage. How old fashioned? This takes place in the 1920s.

Why not give Bobby's father a name? He has a speaking part and so far, his role is just as big as Bobby's.

Page 2.    What's this? Is a question.

Page 3.    The tea chest is now in an antique store. I thought Bobby and his father had opened it by force with a hacksaw. Wouldn't that sort of have ruined it?

Page 4.    INT. INNER SPACE???? Inner space of what? Perhaps INT. MOLLY'S ANTIQUES - INNER SPACE - DAY

Don't quit on this though. Finish the script and then work on cleaning the script up. Just make sure you know who and what this is about and where it's going.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 34
Toby_E
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
London, UK
Posts
987
Posts Per Day
0.25
First off, I really liked the logline. Reminded me, to a certain degree, of Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch, in which a highly valued antiquity leads a formerly law-abiding citizen into the world of crime.

Hmmm.... Not sure really about this opener, for two reasons: Firstly, it seems redundant to the present story, ie, what impact does Bobby finding the chest have on Claire's story Couldn't we just start with Claire finding the chest for herself? I would love to be proved wrong here, with this opening a set-up for something later. But if there is no pay-off, I would seriously consider axing this. Secondly, it was totally devoid of any conflict, and we never spent long enough with the characters for them to be anything other than charactures.

Page 6 - Have you done much research on antique dealing? My dad does quite a bit of work in this industry, and I can tell you that it is amazingly rare for pieces of antiques to have absolutely no history. Normally, when expensive/ rare items are sold, records are kept, and these records follow the item throughout their subsequent sellings.

I feel as if there may be a few too many characters being introduced here... We're not staying with characters long enough to really get a feel for them. I have no idea who the protag is here, and as a result, I have no idea where the story is going.

And now we have even more characters introduced.

OK, so I've finished. This definitely has potential - as I said, I loved the logline. However, I didn't feel that the story delivered on the logline... And the main reason for that, I feel, was because the story was not focused enough; we followed too many characters, who didn't seem to be directly involved with the main story. I know that this will change, but I would consider staggering the introduction of these characters over the course of the first act, instead of throwing all of their introductions into the first 10. I would also cut the opening, and spend more time with both Claire and the chest; we need to know who our protag is, and the direction where the story is heading.

Hope some of what I have said helps. Regardless of these issues, this is still a solid effort for 1 week's work.

Toby.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 34
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
2897
Posts Per Day
0.81
Opening grabbed me.

Felt it was a little sudden though, like we could have spent a bit more with the son and father. Minor point.

If we're jumping to the present, it kind of felt like the original duo shouldn't have been able to open it. Another minor point, but the drama of wanting to know what's inside will maintain narrative drive.

Like the characterisation of the decorator. You're good at characters, you've got a good eye for them in general.

Damn, who are all these people who have showed up? Are they really necessary? Maybe you're going to wow us with a great ensemble piece, but I'm doubting it. I think there's a greater chance it would be better focussed on your main characters. They usually are.

Potential, but make sure you know the story you are telling. Most pre-pro features get into trouble when they start jumping around between a large cast.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 34
EWall433
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
435
Posts Per Day
0.20
I like the opening scene, though I agree it might benefit from more mystery about whatís in the box. Will Bobbyís removal of the coin come into play later? It could, but it might work better as a reveal down the line.

Actually a lot of the Mason family stuff feels like it might make more sense being revealed as backstory. Itís presented some mysteries (who robbed Parker, what was stolen, whatís Annís story, why is Graham such a cretin?) but it may actually be too much mystery. Thereís a balancing act that needs to be done. Itís hard to care whatís happening in a story when you know so little about the characters or what theyíre doing. Take Ann for instance, if we knew why she left and has come back, I could feel a certain way about that. I could make judgement on that character. Without knowing those things, I canít feel one way or the other, which at the end of the day is the same as not caring.

It also results in all the incidents feeling disconnected from each other. Thereís several different plots, with no particular weight given to any one. I imagine Claire and the Masons will end up meeting soon. How their stories weigh on each other is hard to say, but it may feel more focused if we discover the Masons at the same time Claire does. If Claire comes into the situation from the outside, with a goal of her own and having to sort out this familyís drama in order to achieve it, we can more readily grasp all the different plotlines because we know that her relationship to the drama and her pursuit of her goal is of primary importance.

It just needs a little more focus at this stage, to get us to the heart of what is going on. But there's a lot of pieces to work with here.

Good luck with it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 34
pale yellow
Posted: August 5th, 2015, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Jacksonville FL
Posts
2072
Posts Per Day
0.77
For me, this starts our really good. It has pretty decent dialogue and I like the characters a bit...Not sure who is the main character though and I'm not sure what is the goal or what the thing is even really about yet. Maybe I missed something.

I do like the mystery. What genre is this going to be? The first ten need more work to get this thing focused into shape I think but I'd like to read on. Will look forward to your finished draft.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 34
Dreamscale
Posted: August 5th, 2015, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10640
Posts Per Day
2.56
I'm not sure anyone here really wants me to provide feedback, but I said I'd be here to help and I'm going to try to help.

I'll be starting each review the same and will follow the same format on, starting with logline.

Here we go...

Like many others, I suck at writing loglines, but that doesn't mean I can't point out obvious mistakes that shouldn't be here.

Nothing unherently wrong here with the logline, but I'm wondering if "tea chest" is really the way you want to go here.

Page 1 - First 2 passages are problematic and this is not the way you want to jump in.  Both end in orphans and the second is 5 lines long.  Numerous issues here, but bottom line is that this feels very rushed...and probably is, but again, it's your opening - if anything should be polished, it's your opening.

Bobby's Father needs a name. Why wouldn't you name him?  Hmmm...

Opening dialogue has an action wrylie - I'd suggest staying away from these, especially early on.  I'd use a simple action line to show this and keep things simple.

Alot of your passages aren't broken up correctly, which is why they are so many lines long.  Keep each passage to a thought, a description, or a "shot". When any of these change, start a new passage.  It will read better, look better, and give you a better estimate of runtime.

Here's an interesting subject I bring up every now and then.  We have a new Slug at the bottom of the page - "BOBBY'S HOUSE".  Obviously, at 12 years old, this really isn't Bobby's House - it's his parent's house.  Does it matter? Probably not, but always something to think about when trying to write solid Slugs.

The passage (possibly the next one starting on Page 2, as well, but I'm not sure whether or not the second one is actually a new one or part of the first) are very awkwardly written and don't prvide visual detail that we need.  Keep in mind you never want to or need to repeat your Slug in the sentecne that follows, as it's a waste.  We really need to know just how big this box is, as it obviously is going to come into play in the entire script, based on the logline.

Page 2 - Hmmm, they're going to saw the box open with a hacksaw?  Doesn't sound like a very smart idea to me.

The next Slug is a waste, as it's the same Slug, just with a different time element - this is the perfect time to use a Mini - here, it's simply "LATER", but without a transition, this is not going to look good filmed like this.  I'd rethink this whole scene and show them actually opening the box.

Opening senetence under the "LATER" scene is poor and past tense, and again, I just can't visualize what this box looks like or how they sawed off the top.

Hmmm...so now there's a chest inside the "smallish" box?  How small is this chest?

"leafs" - "leaves" - but the whole passage here is awkward and filled with info no one would know just from looking at some leaves.

Page 3 - So, all of a sudden, we transition to modern times, but there's no transition and would come across very odd in a filmed version.  Needs major attention, and I'm wondering what relevance this opening is even going to have, because very little happened of interest, other than finding the box and chest. The characters seem to be throwaways.  We'll see where it goes...

New passage here is again not broken up remotely correctly and is written very awkwardly, as well.

"Know anything about the one?" - Huh?  "the one"?  I don't get it...

"Claire opens the tea chest which is empty." - Again, very awkwardly written.  I don't mean to be mean, but the writing throughout is awkward and very, very rushed.  Some may feel just throwing words down is the way to complete a feature, but IMO, cleaning something up like this is going to be a major, MAJOR undertaking, if you don't start editing and cleaning as you go.

Page 4 - Introing the Antique store from the outside after we've already had an INT scene is...wierd.  Unless we're coming back here, the description you gave is totally unnecessary.

OK, last time I'll bring this up - look at the next passage - look how many different things are going on, all in the same passage.  This makes the read difficult.  It takes away white space. And, it reduces your page count below what it should naturally be.

"INNER SPACE" - Huh?  Where in the heck are we supposed to be?

So, you describe Francious, but you don't include a verb, which makes it read awkward, but check out what you can do - if you simply tell us he's on his phone, you don't need the wrylie in the following dialoue.  You kill 2 eagles with 1 little verb and complete sentence.

You use another wrylie, when we already know he's on his cell, but this time, you write "(ON PHONE)".  As noted earlier, everything feels so rushed and unchecked and because of this, your rewrite job is going to be downright nasty.

Page 5 - 100% dialogue...usually not a good sign.  I think you need to inject some visuals on the page and break up the dialogue.

Page 6 - Feels out of place and the there are numerous typos, mistakes, and awkward writing.

Page 7 - For the record, you don't need or want a wrylie everytime someone speaks into a phone.  It's obvious and understood.  Save the lines.

Page 9 - Wow...alot has happened, alot of characters are being intro'd, and there have been alot of scene locations - too much in all regards, IMO.

Page 10 - Dialogue does not feel realistic at all.  Characters don't seem real.  Everything feels rushed.

Richard, in all honesty, rushed is the word that best describes all the issues here.  I don't know who our main Protags are, what the plot is going to be, or why all these various things have happened so quickly - maybe you do, but chances are it's just rushed.

I think you need to slow down and take a step back and figure things out before you go throwing them down on the page.

I like me a treasure movie, but I don't see that really materializing here.

We need stakes.  We need likable, relatable characters.  And we need a plot/story we can follow.  These all seem to be lacking here...so far...but you have plenty of time to right this ship and I trust you will.

Best of luck.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 34
cloroxmartini
Posted: August 7th, 2015, 7:56am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
870
Posts Per Day
0.23
I would combine the first two paragraphs.

The rest of the scene is good and I see character by the action. "It's not deep" has great subtext and Bobby responding like he did says so much about their relationship and who each character is.

Scene transition to the garage is spot on.

They both examine...redundant...they examine

Inside, the driest tea leafs ever, leafs hundreds of years old...say what? This will have to come out later as how do you know?

Ok, after moving to the present day you lost me, I mean story wise. You had me for a moment when we first saw the chest in a store, but I skimmed after that and didn't care.

I wanted to know about the kid and his dad. You created a great relationship in such a few pages and then it stopped.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 34
Don
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 7:01am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12904
Posts Per Day
1.94
Posted the feature


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 34
ChrisBodily
Posted: September 13th, 2015, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
441
Posts Per Day
0.27
I just read the first ten to see if there's enough to make me commit to the final feature.

*Sigh* Here we go.

(My review reflects the First Ten, not the Final Feature)

I have to be brutally honest, I was completely bored up until the story finally went somewhere around page 9, when they have Jaxi's funeral, and the will. Then, and only then, does the script seem remotely interesting. That's not a good sign. Sorry, Richa(r)d.

I think you misspelled your name on the title page. Not a good sign, either. Especially for someone purported to be "The Word Master."

There are too many orphans in these 10 (11) pages. The names are very confusing. Are they American? British? French? Canadian? In what country does this story takes place? Speaking of names, I forgot Jaxi's name. A central character. I thought it was Trixie. Come up with names that people can remember. You got it right with Francois; that one stands out from the crowd. The name Graham is the only indication that these characters are British. I'm not saying to change the characters' names to Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, or Morticia Addams. But try to come up with something more memorable.

The First Ten give me no indication of the genre. Nothing says "Thriller." Not even the robbery or unexpected inheritance. Everything says "stuffy British drama on PBS." A thriller needs tension, suspense, conflict. The only thing I've seen in these pages that constitutes conflict is when Jaxi scolds Graham for smoking pot.

What I would do is add some blood in the aftermath of the robbery. A bloody footprint, perhaps. I would have cut a lot out, to be honest.

I'd structure the first ten as:

The backstory
The chest in the store
The robbery (if it has any bearing on the story)
Jaxi dies/funeral/will

That would likely trim the page count in half.

Also, who is the protagonist? Claire? Ann? Jaxi's ghost? A character not yet introduced?

I'm sorry, but this needs a lot of work, if you haven't already done so in the final.

Would I read the final? You're skating on thin ice, but... I probably would, just to see if it's improved any.

4 out of 10.


FADE IN:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 34
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    2015 7 Week Challenge   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006