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I know that my entry leaves a lot unexplained, but this one has to take the cake.
It started out well enough when they were talking about seeing their other selves, the reader HAS to know where this entry is going. It goes there, but barely. It had a Jordan Peele's "US" feel, but this leaves so much out. It's 5 pages, you have so much room to explore more and create more suspense.
A good ending might be having them drive off and in the headlights they see her double and he unlocks the doors or something. 5 pages is too short for something as "out there" as this.
Why did Greg walk into the thick woods? Greg is a guy. Paula is lucky Greg didn't just take a whiz out of the van door. Now, if he saw something in the woods, this would be a good reason to go into those woods. This is a good little script which raised the questions about what happened to Greg and what's going to happen to Paula. Not answering those questions is a legitimate choice on the writer's part, but it left me wanting more of the story.
You telegraph what is going to happen on the first page so there’s no surprises. The writing here is okay, easy to follow and lean but the dopplgeganger has been used in countless scripts and stories, I’d suggest trying to think of a new spin.
As it is, there was no need to cut back to Greg in the woods, pretty much everyone reading it knows it isn’t the original Greg that is in the van.
Well done for entering though, it does tick all the OWC criteria.
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Paula climbs onto Greg, begins to remove his shirt, when he stops her. GREG (contï¿½d) Wait. I have to pee.
It's a little on-the-nose writer.
GREG Be back. Going to make my bladder gladder.
Going to water the snakes. Or Bleed the lizard! Or drain the main vein haha. Or something like these would be better. JMHO.
Ok, Writer. I will not mirror what my esteemed colleagues have said, they pretty much covered it. My one note is this... with the premature reveal, you need to sell it a little more. You were very mechanical about it and you weren't really teasing it out or playing with me at all here. So, the reveal at the end didn't come as a surprise. In fact, it left me unsatisfied. I think you have room to create a little bit more of a moment than you did.
Nice effort though.-Andrea
A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS
GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA
RISE OF THE AMAZONS
THE SLEEPING TIGER
THE TIME GUARDIAN
"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
Hmm, it seems to me that you ran out of time with this one.
Solid start, you have my attention. Though, it's odd that someone would put a lit joint in an ashtray. That doesn't happen. Lol. Still, you got my attention right out of the gate.
This gets messier the farther along I read. Way to many useless transitions. I'd lose them in the rewrite.
So it's a doppleganger story. I guess the brief mention of the guy who looks just like Greg is you set up, but it didn't really feel earned to me. Also don't like how it's revealed through a flashblack. At just five pages, the flashback makes this read clunky.
No real suspense, which is a shame cuz there is definitely potential for it at the end. I'd consider rewriting this one and really flesh it out. Good luck with this, Dude.