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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  The Encounter - OWC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    The Encounter - OWC  (currently 538 views)
bert
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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I dunno.  This started out nice enough, but it doesn't have much gas in the tank.

Not exactly sure what this is missing, but definitely missing something.

Maybe just go ahead and select a specific song that would give this encounter more meaning?


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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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I know that my entry leaves a lot unexplained, but this one has to take the cake.

It started out well enough when they were talking about seeing their other selves, the reader HAS to know where this entry is going. It goes there, but barely. It had a Jordan Peele's "US" feel, but this leaves so much out. It's 5 pages, you have so much room to explore more and create more suspense.

A good ending might be having them drive off and in the headlights they see her double and he unlocks the doors or something. 5 pages is too short for something as "out there" as this.


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Spqr
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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Why did Greg walk into the thick woods? Greg is a guy. Paula is lucky Greg didn't just take a whiz out of the van door. Now, if he saw something in the woods, this would be a good reason to go into those woods. This is a good little script which raised the questions about what happened to Greg and what's going to happen to Paula. Not answering those questions is a legitimate choice on the writer's part, but it left me wanting more of the story.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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You telegraph what is going to happen on the first page so there’s no surprises. The writing here is okay, easy to follow and lean but the dopplgeganger has been used in countless scripts and stories, I’d suggest trying to think of a new spin.

As it is, there was no need to cut back to Greg in the woods, pretty much everyone reading it knows it isn’t the original Greg that is in the van.

Well done for entering though, it does tick all the OWC criteria.

-Mark


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Dustin
Posted: April 25th, 2019, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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THE ENCOUNTER

The writing seems rushed in this. It doesn't have the flow of a polished draft

You tell us the interior of the van is decorated and then go on to describe it as such. Why not just do the latter?

Code

Paula climbs onto Greg, begins to remove his shirt, 
when he stops her.



Here's another example. How does she begin to remove his shirt? Describe what is happening visually. Perhaps she undoes the top three buttons?

Code

PAULA (cont’d) 
There you are. What were you doing, passing a 
kidney stone?



These guys are in their 20s. They shouldn't even know kidney stones exist.


Code

Silence. Then, Greg starts the van. He begins to drive.



begins to... stop it. It's not good writing.


I found the end disappointing.


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JEStaats
Posted: April 27th, 2019, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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The (cont'd) doesn't work (and is generally unnecessary) when such a time span occurs between dialog on page two. Same for all the transitions. Stop it.

Okay, WTF! Did you run out of time? I was on your hook and then you just ended it. You've got something here, now just finish it. Grrrr.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: April 27th, 2019, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Paula climbs onto Greg, begins to remove his shirt, when he
stops her.      
                       GREG (cont�d)
                  Wait. I have to pee.


It's a little on-the-nose writer.

                              GREG
                    Be back.  Going to make my bladder gladder.

Going to water the snakes.  Or Bleed the lizard! Or drain the main vein haha.  Or something like these would be better.  JMHO.

Ok, Writer.  I will not mirror what my esteemed colleagues have said, they pretty much covered it.  My one note is this... with the premature reveal, you need to sell it a little more. You were very mechanical about it and you weren't really teasing it out or playing with me at all here.  So, the reveal at the end didn't come as a surprise.  In fact, it left me unsatisfied.  I think you have room to create a little bit more of a moment than you did.

Nice effort though.-Andrea


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Zack
Posted: May 14th, 2019, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Hmm, it seems to me that you ran out of time with this one.

Solid start, you have my attention. Though, it's odd that someone would put a lit joint in an ashtray. That doesn't happen. Lol. Still, you got my attention right out of the gate.

This gets messier the farther along I read. Way to many useless transitions. I'd lose them in the rewrite.

So it's a doppleganger story. I guess the brief mention of the guy who looks just like Greg is you set up, but it didn't really feel earned to me. Also don't like how it's revealed through a flashblack. At just five pages, the flashback makes this read clunky.

No real suspense, which is a shame cuz there is definitely potential for it at the end. I'd consider rewriting this one and really flesh it out. Good luck with this, Dude.


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