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Cowboy for a Day by - May Not Be Used - Short, RomCom - Ryker thinks he just may have found the love of his life...but he also told her he was a cowboy. - pdf format
So, is this like a Rom-Com for men kind of thing? Feels it, but if you have ever seen Chasing Amy, I think that style of story and humor would be better suited for this.
Instead of saying they are uncomfortable pants, have him interact with the jeans to show us how uncomfortable they are. What do men do when pants are too tight??
Anything specific you could of replaced (beat) with? (Beat) never does a whole lot for me.
Oh boy, by the time I got the end I realized this was a very personal style of comedy. When the writer was thinking about what audience this is going to appeal to, they said, “Me!”
So, don’t be offended that I wasn’t all that thrilled with it. Good effort getting in a script, wasn’t for me!
Okay, straight out of the gate, the dialogue and actions are so metoo-able it’s painful. It’s not like it was funny in the previous climate so I don’t think it’s gonna win you any plaudits in the time we find ourselves in now.
However...I don’t know if it’s just me, but stick some animals in a comedy script and it tends to descend into some sort of chaos I can get on board with. It was a stoner comedy though, not a romantic at all, and in reality was a borderline disaster movie.
I fear the language may wind a few folk up here, and I wasn’t keen on it myself. Not a romantic comedy but I did laugh at him getting mauled by Mother Nature.
A bit raunchy, with next to no romance. The concept of putting an easterner on cowboy turf is hardly new, though blending it with stoner humor has possibilities, but alas this story could've been done with a little more subtlety.
I'll say this -- you managed to work the chocolates in there instead of them just being a prop!
This was like one long Tinder conversation (not that I would know, I'm just imagining they would be like this). Just a lot of sex talk and no real attempt at a plot. And while it had some attempts at humor, most were just sex related and fell flat.
There was this, though:
Quoted Text
I actually birthed her back in the barn. You should have seen it. She's my angel.
She gave birth to a horse? That's quite a feat.
I thought the way this was going Ryker was going to be sexually assaulted by the horse.
It was a comedy, but the romance never made it out of the barn.
Just my two cents, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
I'm divided. There's a sense of veteran delivery here, and definitely a voice -yet it all feels a bit sloppy. Like the story telling dynamic isn't focused. The material isn't bad, believe it or not, I found some of it funny, but...
Methinks you took a different approach... you went the unconventional route. By that - I mean.. on the surface it seems to be almost anti-rom-com, like “Bridesmaids,” and “Neighbors.” They had a heavy dose of crude humor before showing their heart, which resonated with people.
Herein lies my problem. Can't speak for the others'.
I guess for me I was waiting for it to show it's heart in the end, I wanted some real bonding, and to a degree, a bit more romance. I didn't hate it, by any means. JMHO.
So, I read this straight through, no notes...which is actually a good thing. It's very well written.
Then, I read all the feedback and I have to say, I disagree with everyone except the last couple.
I think it's quite funny, but then again, my sense of humor is most likely very different than most. It reads almost like a pisser, but I'm not saying that in a bad way...it's just so whacky and over the top, there's no way I can take it seriously...but then again, I don't think I'm supposed to.
Couple things I liked...
Chocolates were very well used. So was "Red". Few scripts have attempted something like this.
Jokes were repeated...or came back up in a different setting.
Couple things I didn't like...
There's a line of dialogue from the stoner dude that feels out of place..something about rock hard nipples - that should go.
Ryker's "interest" in the country girl not set up very well...or at all. For me, this pulled the genre into comedy, as opposed to ROMCOM, but then again, based on what I've read so far, very few really were all out ROMCOM.
It's well written. It's funny, and it's goofy. I like it.
I didn't care for this one, personally. The male characters are douchebags, the female characters are stereotypes, and both are one-dimensional. The comedy is there, but I didn't particularly enjoy it. Romance? Debatable (Ryker's aims suggest otherwise).
It is decently written on a technical level. While I'm not a fan of the content, none of it feels choppy or awkward. Crass, sure, but consistent and clearly intentional. In a sense, it's a fully realized piece, although perhaps to the benefit of no one but the writer. I take it they enjoyed themselves while writing this.
I know who the writer is, btw. Couldn't be more obvious. I got your number, pal.
Obviously some incorrect things about horses, but never the less, this was funny. I enjoyed the read and laughed. Visually funny and dialogue was funny as well. Not exactly a rom-com. Romance light, but definitely comedy. I don't know what to suggest. I liked it just the way it is.
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Cowboy for a Day - OWC
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