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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Cowboy for a Day - OWC
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Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cowboy for a Day by - May Not Be Used - Short, RomCom - Ryker thinks he just may have found the love of his life...but he also told her he was a cowboy. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, is this like a Rom-Com for men kind of thing? Feels it, but if you have ever seen Chasing Amy, I think that style of story and humor would be better suited for this.

Instead of saying they are uncomfortable pants, have him interact with the jeans to show us how uncomfortable they are. What do men do when pants are too tight??

Anything specific you could of replaced (beat) with? (Beat) never does a whole lot for me.

Oh boy, by the time I got the end I realized this was a very personal style of comedy. When the writer was thinking about what audience this is going to appeal to, they said, ďMe!Ē

So, donít be offended that I wasnít all that thrilled with it. Good effort getting in a script, wasnít for me!
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there May Not Be Used!!

Okay, straight out of the gate, the dialogue and actions are so metoo-able itís painful. Itís not like it was funny in the previous climate so I donít think itís gonna win you any plaudits in the time we find ourselves in now.

However...I donít know if itís just me, but stick some animals in a comedy script and it tends to descend into some sort of chaos I can get on board with. It was a stoner comedy though, not a romantic at all, and in reality was a borderline disaster movie.

I fear the language may wind a few folk up here, and I wasnít keen on it myself. Not a romantic comedy but I did laugh at him getting mauled by Mother Nature.

Good luck,

Cam


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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Ryker getting a hell of a beating Wile coyote style

Didn't fall under romantic comedy for me... some comedy no romance.

It was an easy read but the story didn't make the parameters.

Sorry

Good job on entering


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

So that just happened. This didn't do any thing for me on any level. More stoner comedy which I'm not a fan of. The crude humour is also very average.

This was the hardest one to get through so far, other than the one I didn't finish of course.

Congrats for getting one in, sorry that's about as positive as I can be for this entry.

All the best.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

Sorry but this didn't work for me either - Not my sort of thing. Others may like it.

Didn't find anything original or interesting, I got bored half way through and tings got a bit ridiculous - The ending also felt a bit flat.

No sense of romance for me.

Good job on attempting the challenge though

Matt


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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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Rom Com??????????????????????????

Me thinks not.

Nothing landed for me on this one - sorry


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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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A bit raunchy, with next to no romance. The concept of putting an easterner on cowboy turf is hardly new, though blending it with stoner humor has possibilities, but alas this story could've been done with a little more subtlety.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Apologies to the writer, but I've read a lot of F#%*ing scripts and I just can't continue with those ones anymore.

RYKER (V.O.)
Johnny! It's all good...great even.
How fucking cold is Beantown?

JOHNNY
Fucking cold about covers it.

... But what Johnny says is true for here right now. It would be a good adjective. About minus forty-something and a wind chill that's 30K

Good that you entered anyways.

If you need a short critiqued in the future without all the F's. Send it to me and I'll do my best.

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hawkeye
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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I'll say this -- you managed to work the chocolates in there instead of them just being a prop!

This was like one long Tinder conversation (not that I would know, I'm just imagining they would be like this).  Just a lot of sex talk and no real attempt at a plot.  And while it had some attempts at humor, most were just sex related and fell flat.  

There was this, though:


Quoted Text
I actually birthed her back in the barn.  You should have seen it. She's my angel.


She gave birth to a horse? That's quite a feat.

I thought the way this was going Ryker was going to be sexually assaulted by the horse.

It was a comedy, but the romance never made it out of the barn.

Just my two cents,
Gary


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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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I'm divided.  There's a sense of veteran delivery here, and definitely a voice -yet it all feels a bit sloppy. Like the story telling dynamic isn't focused.  The material isn't bad, believe it or not, I found some of it funny, but...

Methinks you took a different approach... you went the unconventional route.  By that - I mean.. on the surface it seems to be almost anti-rom-com, like ďBridesmaids,Ē and ďNeighbors.Ē   They had a heavy dose of crude humor before showing their heart, which resonated with people.  

Herein lies my problem.  Can't speak for the others'.

I guess for me I was waiting for it to show it's heart in the end,  I wanted some real bonding, and to a degree, a bit more romance.  I didn't hate it, by any means.  JMHO.  

But what do I know.  Kudos for finishing.


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khamanna
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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The idea made sense to me but overall U didn't like the story.

You didn't pose the question, you start with Ryker. But I don't see what he wants, the backstory.

He just brings chocolates to a random girl.

and then random things happen.

I think you better work onthe first half explaining to us how important the girl and the date is for Ryker
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, I read this straight through, no notes...which is actually a good thing.  It's very well written.

Then, I read all the feedback and I have to say, I disagree with everyone except the last couple.

I think it's quite funny, but then again, my sense of humor is most likely very different than most.  It reads almost like a pisser, but I'm not saying that in a bad way...it's just so whacky and over the top, there's no way I can take it seriously...but then again, I don't think I'm supposed to.

Couple things I liked...

Chocolates were very well used.  So was "Red".  Few scripts have attempted something like this.

Jokes were repeated...or came back up in a different setting.

Couple things I didn't like...

There's a line of dialogue from the stoner dude that feels out of place..something about rock hard nipples - that should go.

Ryker's "interest" in the country girl not set up very well...or at all.  For me, this pulled the genre into comedy, as opposed to ROMCOM, but then again, based on what I've read so far, very few really were all out ROMCOM.

It's well written.  It's funny, and it's goofy.  I like it.

***1/2


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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James McClung
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't care for this one, personally. The male characters are douchebags, the female characters are stereotypes, and both are one-dimensional. The comedy is there, but I didn't particularly enjoy it. Romance? Debatable (Ryker's aims suggest otherwise).

It is decently written on a technical level. While I'm not a fan of the content, none of it feels choppy or awkward. Crass, sure, but consistent and clearly intentional. In a sense, it's a fully realized piece, although perhaps to the benefit of no one but the writer. I take it they enjoyed themselves while writing this.

I know who the writer is, btw. Couldn't be more obvious. I got your number, pal.


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Angry Bear
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Lol!

Obviously some incorrect things about horses, but never the less, this was funny. I enjoyed the read and laughed. Visually funny and dialogue was funny as well. Not exactly a rom-com. Romance light, but definitely comedy. I don't know what to suggest. I liked it just the way it is.


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eldave1
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Reading a few again just to make sure.

The real problem here is that the protagonist's friend is such a crappy person I hate the protagonist for even being friends with him. Once the woman is objectified in the opening,  my ability to relate to anything that happens after that is zero. I'd rewrite this without the  piece of crap friend


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Angry Bear
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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I would agree with you Dave. I'm a horse person though, so all the visual stuff was rather funny to me. I forgot about the crappy friend. Loved the other stuff.  


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eldave1
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Quoted from Angry Bear
I would agree with you Dave. I'm a horse person though, so all the visual stuff was rather funny to me. I forgot about the crappy friend. Loved the other stuff.  


Yep. Lose the friend and it has potential


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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I actually said something in my review about a line from the stoner being out of place.  I think there was something else right after that line that was also out of place about her tits or something.

But, I did like this stoner couple and they played into a joke about the on speaker phone that came around in the end.

They took up a bunch of pages and if they were removed, the Rom could have been explored.

I actually liked this one, though, so take out the abusive shit and I think it works better.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I actually said something in my review about a line from the stoner being out of place.  I think there was something else right after that line that was also out of place about her tits or something.

But, I did like this stoner couple and they played into a joke about the on speaker phone that came around in the end.

They took up a bunch of pages and if they were removed, the Rom could have been explored.

I actually liked this one, though, so take out the abusive shit and I think it works better.


The entire scene was out of place. Who asks his friend about his naked girlfriends  breasts and what kind of arse answers?? Its a real WTF moment
And who cares if it was linked to the same bad joke at the end. It's a fatal flaw- least in my view.


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Warren
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I'm a bit surprised this script is seeing so much repeat action, it was one of the lest memorable for me.


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StevenClark
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This was written well, and I saw everything you wanted me to see for sure. You took a few swings with this one but nothing really landed. It reads more like "okay, that happened" as opposed to a story with a beginning, middle and end. Don't get me wrong, it was a fun ride, but just felt like there wasn't much in the way of a proper story. That being said, you hit all of the challenge parameters, and it was funny. It was like a stoner's romance type deal. Not bad at all, now that I think about it. Good effort!

Steve


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DaveTroop
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Ride a cowboy.

Another stoner comedy.
This one was actually funny.  But doesnít fit the traditional romcom mold. Or any romcom mold.   I liked the comedy with the horse. But try to get a horse to act?  There hasnít been a good horse actor since Mr Ed.

Iím a big Judd Apatow fan so stoner characters are fine with me.
But the two stoners who keep calling and interrupting the story have no real business being here.  The boob jokes donít add anything.
With those two gone, you can spend more time on the main characters.

Mandy was kind of a country and western ho.  She had some good lines.
I suppose she dumped the guy at the end for almost killing her horse.

Overall, I liked it as a straight (or stoner) comedy.  
Good job.
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Spqr
Posted: February 11th, 2019, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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What guy doesn't like boobs, but on page 2 and not belonging to the female lead? Celeste (Latina  not Latino) kind of steals the show because Mandy doesn't show us hers. And this blowjob talk doesn't contribute anything to the story.

As for Mandy, her farm girl lingo seems overdone. Is she supposed to be a cowgirl or a southern belle? TV has made all Americans talk pretty much the same, except for regional accents. Except for Boston, which I don't believe is actually part of the United States. Mandy's main problem is that by totally ignoring the hapless Ryker's plight, she comes off as rather sadistic. Give her a reason for why she ignores him. Maybe she lost a contact and her view of the world is screwed up.

As for Ryker, he comes off as a nebbish. He keeps reassuring Mandy that he's okay when it's obvious he can't ride a horse. In fact, maybe this horse-riding date was all Ryker's idea. Maybe Mandy really wanted a ride in his hot machine, not another ride on her old road-apple machine.
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ReneC
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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This has lots of physical comedy, and you deliver it well. I appreciate that you donít show much of it, the humor is in the consequences.

For me, the problems with this are the bookend scenes. It starts off as pure trashy exposition, and itís so unnecessary. And that leads to the obligation to return to the stoner comedy at the end when this would have been much better served with Mandyís return. That would have given this some heart.

As for Mandy, sheís pretty great. Why did she abruptly leave the script? She didnít just rush off to get her horse treated (and any cowpoke worth their salt wouldnít leave a saddlebag open, it should have been Rykerís fault to make the rest work), even when the story returned to her all she did was stand there and look sad. You used her and tossed her away when you were done with her. Wait, are you Johnny?!?

Best slapstick Iíve read, so well done on that.


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Zack
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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This one is pretty great. My type of humor. Made me laugh consistently.

No problems with the writing. Quick pace, no trouble visualizing this. Though the scene were Ryker is tossed into the ambulance read a little cartoonish. Still, funny stuff.

Not a ton of romance, at least not much that I could see.

I've got a feeling this one will stick with me for a while. Loved it.

Zack


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jayrex
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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Not bad.  I liked how Ryker gradually got so injured he was covered in plaster. The romance was sparse.  Good you got all three items in.  You write miss for her and Mr for him.  I'd write mister to be consistent.


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AnthonyCawood
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I was confused by about page 7, where are they going, why and why...

Formatting is fine but I lost the plot and didn't really find it funny.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Philostrate
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Hi Writer,

I think the opening scene is messing with the tone of the whole script.

I'm not much into stoner comedies, but I liked this one. It was fun, an easy read and well written Ė by a veteran maybe?

There wasn't much romance and Mandy's character was a little bland, or plain, to me, maybe too stereotypical, but I enjoyed the goofy stuff and the visuals, they made me laugh several times.

I would have liked more backstory in Ryker, this would have allowed me to empathize with the character, and that the story showed some heart in the end - it didn't! - but overall it's a good effort.

Good job.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Thank you to everyone who read and provided feedback here.

My original intent was very different, actually, but give the Kid some booze and weed, and a crude stoner comedy is what shows up.

Several lines should have been removed that were most likely offensive to some readers.  As for the swearing, I don't see any problem at all, personally.

In terms of feedback, it's what I expected, I guess...it started off brutal, then gradually got better and better.  Some, obviously just hated it for some reason, and that's always cool.

I have to quote 1 poster's comments, as I have absolutely no idea what this is supposed to mean -


Quoted from Cam Gray
Okay, straight out of the gate, the dialogue and actions are so metoo-able itís painful. Itís not like it was funny in the previous climate so I donít think itís gonna win you any plaudits in the time we find ourselves in now.Cam


Huh?

Anyways, this was fun and I apologize to all who were offended by this.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Alright Jeff, sorry to get you confused.

Iíll clarify for you as this appeared on the first page:


Quoted Text
CELESTE, 27, smoking hot Latino, wearing an open robe with
nothing underneath, enters, wiping her mouth with a towel.
                      RYKER (V.O.)
          You keeping warm?
                      JOHNNY
          Yeah, Celeste just blew me and I
          thought about givin' ya a call.


I mean thereís crude, then this. Having been exposed to rather a lot of industry types of late, if I was to present them with the above it would probably result in myself being sent out of the room and asked not to come back.

Hopefully that clarifies things, let us leave it there and if others didnít have an issue then I guess youíre all good.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Cam Gray
Alright Jeff, sorry to get you confused.

Iíll clarify for you as this appeared on the first page:



I mean thereís crude, then this. Having been exposed to rather a lot of industry types of late, if I was to present them with the above it would probably result in myself being sent out of the room and asked not to come back.

Hopefully that clarifies things, let us leave it there and if others didnít have an issue then I guess youíre all good.

Cam


Cam, I still don't have a clue what your comments were supposed to mean.

IMO, this ain't no big thang, but if you were offended or whatever, I apologize.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Cam, I still don't have a clue what your comments were supposed to mean.

IMO, this ain't no big thang, but if you were offended or whatever, I apologize.


Good. Lord.

It is a problem because it makes a reader think that writer thinks women = piece of meat.

You can have all the swearing you want. You can have BJs. You can have her wiping her chin.

And, if you want us to hate your character, you can have him share info about the BJ over the phone to his friend as the girl stands there.

If you want us to hate the friend, you can have him ask about he girl's tits.

If you want us to really, really hate the dude - follow-up later on with another scene where he calls just to say he got a BJ.

But if you want to go really off the rails, - this is what Cam is talking about I think - have the woman be totally non-plussed about these dudes behavior. She wouldn't mouth asshole and sit in the bed. The issue is not only do they treat her like meat - she's okay with it - in fact - she came back for more essentially endorsing her own demeaning.  

Your girlfriend would talk to you after reading it. Wasn't that clue enough????


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Cam Gray
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Appreciate you jumping in Dave, but I'd let it go. Some things really shouldn't need explaining.

Been a good challenge as per usual and generally carried out in the usual exemplary manner, and butting heads over this ain't gonna do much apart from draw some attention to the offending lines/introduce some unwanted venom.


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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eldave1
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Quoted from Cam Gray
Appreciate you jumping in Dave, but I'd let it go. Some things really shouldn't need explaining.

Been a good challenge as per usual and generally carried out in the usual exemplary manner, and butting heads over this ain't gonna do much apart from draw some attention to the offending lines/introduce some unwanted venom.


It's my last effort


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http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Wow, I must be a total idiot or something, but what I'm asking is what the below quote is supposed to mean.


Quoted from Cam Gray
Okay, straight out of the gate, the dialogue and actions are so metoo-able itís painful. Itís not like it was funny in the previous climate so I donít think itís gonna win you any plaudits in the time we find ourselves in now.Cam


What is "metto-able" mean?  What does "the previous climate" relate to?  What does the last part mean about winning plaudits in the time we find ourselves now?

I'm totally lost.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Wow, I must be a total idiot or something, but what I'm asking is what the below quote is supposed to mean.



What is "metto-able" mean?  What does "the previous climate" relate to?  What does the last part mean about winning plaudits in the time we find ourselves now?

I'm totally lost.



It means me too as in the me too movement.

Previous means prior to the movement


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Quoted from eldave1


It means me too as in the me too movement.

Previous means prior to the movement


Ohhh...gotcha. I had absolutely no idea.  Thanks.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


It means me too as in the me too movement.

Previous means prior to the movement


Seriously, Dave, let him be and stop the comments piling up. Itís all fairly obvious and if anyoneís confused thereís always google.


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11185
Posts Per Day
2.52

Quoted from Cam Gray


Seriously, Dave, let him be and stop the comments piling up. Itís all fairly obvious and if anyoneís confused thereís always google.


Thanks, Cam.  You're a peach.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 20th, 2019, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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Man, I told you I come watching for some material of yours, so time to burry your script as you do it to my work :-)

No, seriously, with me, you very often get away with your stuff because I like your 'out of the box' characters and worlds.

The characters here are so over the top idiotic and live in such a sexualized plotline that they, to me, build an organic cinematic expression. The story does not work, no, too aimless and convoluted, also lack the rom for this challenge.

However, the whole tone of sexism, vulgar objectivism is very well balanced imo.
There is Mandy (possibly the smartest character among the fools), for instance, who leaves the naughty boy half-way dead at the pondÖ  Compare that to Celeste being reduced and belittled by her boyfriend, which she accepts with a middle finger toward him and a hit from the bongÖ

AndÖ I actually just thought how the reaction with the audience would be if you change the gender of each character, starting with a stripping guy and his stoner-girlfriend telling her mate she's been *licked* just a minute before :-) and the other boy is him who likes horses etc. Just a thought. If you have a serious attempt in writing something in that area at some point, I'd even think to go more crazy and break some more barriers of the game of sexes.

Good risks as usual, Jeff.

Hope my words make some sense.



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Dreamscale
Posted: February 20th, 2019, 10:18am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Posts Per Day
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Thanks, Alex.  I always appreciate your comments.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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