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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Cowboy for a Day - OWC
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  Author    Cowboy for a Day - OWC  (currently 1266 views)
eldave1
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Reading a few again just to make sure.

The real problem here is that the protagonist's friend is such a crappy person I hate the protagonist for even being friends with him. Once the woman is objectified in the opening,  my ability to relate to anything that happens after that is zero. I'd rewrite this without the  piece of crap friend


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Angry Bear
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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I would agree with you Dave. I'm a horse person though, so all the visual stuff was rather funny to me. I forgot about the crappy friend. Loved the other stuff.  


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eldave1
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
I would agree with you Dave. I'm a horse person though, so all the visual stuff was rather funny to me. I forgot about the crappy friend. Loved the other stuff.  


Yep. Lose the friend and it has potential


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Dreamscale
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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I actually said something in my review about a line from the stoner being out of place.  I think there was something else right after that line that was also out of place about her tits or something.

But, I did like this stoner couple and they played into a joke about the on speaker phone that came around in the end.

They took up a bunch of pages and if they were removed, the Rom could have been explored.

I actually liked this one, though, so take out the abusive shit and I think it works better.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I actually said something in my review about a line from the stoner being out of place.  I think there was something else right after that line that was also out of place about her tits or something.

But, I did like this stoner couple and they played into a joke about the on speaker phone that came around in the end.

They took up a bunch of pages and if they were removed, the Rom could have been explored.

I actually liked this one, though, so take out the abusive shit and I think it works better.


The entire scene was out of place. Who asks his friend about his naked girlfriends  breasts and what kind of arse answers?? Its a real WTF moment
And who cares if it was linked to the same bad joke at the end. It's a fatal flaw- least in my view.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Warren
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a bit surprised this script is seeing so much repeat action, it was one of the lest memorable for me.


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StevenClark
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This was written well, and I saw everything you wanted me to see for sure. You took a few swings with this one but nothing really landed. It reads more like "okay, that happened" as opposed to a story with a beginning, middle and end. Don't get me wrong, it was a fun ride, but just felt like there wasn't much in the way of a proper story. That being said, you hit all of the challenge parameters, and it was funny. It was like a stoner's romance type deal. Not bad at all, now that I think about it. Good effort!

Steve


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DaveTroop
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Ride a cowboy.

Another stoner comedy.
This one was actually funny.  But doesnít fit the traditional romcom mold. Or any romcom mold.   I liked the comedy with the horse. But try to get a horse to act?  There hasnít been a good horse actor since Mr Ed.

Iím a big Judd Apatow fan so stoner characters are fine with me.
But the two stoners who keep calling and interrupting the story have no real business being here.  The boob jokes donít add anything.
With those two gone, you can spend more time on the main characters.

Mandy was kind of a country and western ho.  She had some good lines.
I suppose she dumped the guy at the end for almost killing her horse.

Overall, I liked it as a straight (or stoner) comedy.  
Good job.
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Spqr
Posted: February 11th, 2019, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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What guy doesn't like boobs, but on page 2 and not belonging to the female lead? Celeste (Latina  not Latino) kind of steals the show because Mandy doesn't show us hers. And this blowjob talk doesn't contribute anything to the story.

As for Mandy, her farm girl lingo seems overdone. Is she supposed to be a cowgirl or a southern belle? TV has made all Americans talk pretty much the same, except for regional accents. Except for Boston, which I don't believe is actually part of the United States. Mandy's main problem is that by totally ignoring the hapless Ryker's plight, she comes off as rather sadistic. Give her a reason for why she ignores him. Maybe she lost a contact and her view of the world is screwed up.

As for Ryker, he comes off as a nebbish. He keeps reassuring Mandy that he's okay when it's obvious he can't ride a horse. In fact, maybe this horse-riding date was all Ryker's idea. Maybe Mandy really wanted a ride in his hot machine, not another ride on her old road-apple machine.
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ReneC
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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This has lots of physical comedy, and you deliver it well. I appreciate that you donít show much of it, the humor is in the consequences.

For me, the problems with this are the bookend scenes. It starts off as pure trashy exposition, and itís so unnecessary. And that leads to the obligation to return to the stoner comedy at the end when this would have been much better served with Mandyís return. That would have given this some heart.

As for Mandy, sheís pretty great. Why did she abruptly leave the script? She didnít just rush off to get her horse treated (and any cowpoke worth their salt wouldnít leave a saddlebag open, it should have been Rykerís fault to make the rest work), even when the story returned to her all she did was stand there and look sad. You used her and tossed her away when you were done with her. Wait, are you Johnny?!?

Best slapstick Iíve read, so well done on that.


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Zack
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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This one is pretty great. My type of humor. Made me laugh consistently.

No problems with the writing. Quick pace, no trouble visualizing this. Though the scene were Ryker is tossed into the ambulance read a little cartoonish. Still, funny stuff.

Not a ton of romance, at least not much that I could see.

I've got a feeling this one will stick with me for a while. Loved it.

Zack


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jayrex
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad.  I liked how Ryker gradually got so injured he was covered in plaster. The romance was sparse.  Good you got all three items in.  You write miss for her and Mr for him.  I'd write mister to be consistent.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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I was confused by about page 7, where are they going, why and why...

Formatting is fine but I lost the plot and didn't really find it funny.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
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Philostrate
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

I think the opening scene is messing with the tone of the whole script.

I'm not much into stoner comedies, but I liked this one. It was fun, an easy read and well written Ė by a veteran maybe?

There wasn't much romance and Mandy's character was a little bland, or plain, to me, maybe too stereotypical, but I enjoyed the goofy stuff and the visuals, they made me laugh several times.

I would have liked more backstory in Ryker, this would have allowed me to empathize with the character, and that the story showed some heart in the end - it didn't! - but overall it's a good effort.

Good job.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Thank you to everyone who read and provided feedback here.

My original intent was very different, actually, but give the Kid some booze and weed, and a crude stoner comedy is what shows up.

Several lines should have been removed that were most likely offensive to some readers.  As for the swearing, I don't see any problem at all, personally.

In terms of feedback, it's what I expected, I guess...it started off brutal, then gradually got better and better.  Some, obviously just hated it for some reason, and that's always cool.

I have to quote 1 poster's comments, as I have absolutely no idea what this is supposed to mean -


Quoted from Cam Gray
Okay, straight out of the gate, the dialogue and actions are so metoo-able itís painful. Itís not like it was funny in the previous climate so I donít think itís gonna win you any plaudits in the time we find ourselves in now.Cam


Huh?

Anyways, this was fun and I apologize to all who were offended by this.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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