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The real problem here is that the protagonist's friend is such a crappy person I hate the protagonist for even being friends with him. Once the woman is objectified in the opening, my ability to relate to anything that happens after that is zero. I'd rewrite this without the piece of crap friend
I actually said something in my review about a line from the stoner being out of place. I think there was something else right after that line that was also out of place about her tits or something.
But, I did like this stoner couple and they played into a joke about the on speaker phone that came around in the end.
They took up a bunch of pages and if they were removed, the Rom could have been explored.
I actually liked this one, though, so take out the abusive shit and I think it works better.
The entire scene was out of place. Who asks his friend about his naked girlfriends breasts and what kind of arse answers?? Its a real WTF moment And who cares if it was linked to the same bad joke at the end. It's a fatal flaw- least in my view.
This was written well, and I saw everything you wanted me to see for sure. You took a few swings with this one but nothing really landed. It reads more like "okay, that happened" as opposed to a story with a beginning, middle and end. Don't get me wrong, it was a fun ride, but just felt like there wasn't much in the way of a proper story. That being said, you hit all of the challenge parameters, and it was funny. It was like a stoner's romance type deal. Not bad at all, now that I think about it. Good effort!
Another stoner comedy. This one was actually funny. But doesnít fit the traditional romcom mold. Or any romcom mold. I liked the comedy with the horse. But try to get a horse to act? There hasnít been a good horse actor since Mr Ed.
Iím a big Judd Apatow fan so stoner characters are fine with me. But the two stoners who keep calling and interrupting the story have no real business being here. The boob jokes donít add anything. With those two gone, you can spend more time on the main characters.
Mandy was kind of a country and western ho. She had some good lines. I suppose she dumped the guy at the end for almost killing her horse.
Overall, I liked it as a straight (or stoner) comedy. Good job.
What guy doesn't like boobs, but on page 2 and not belonging to the female lead? Celeste (Latina not Latino) kind of steals the show because Mandy doesn't show us hers. And this blowjob talk doesn't contribute anything to the story.
As for Mandy, her farm girl lingo seems overdone. Is she supposed to be a cowgirl or a southern belle? TV has made all Americans talk pretty much the same, except for regional accents. Except for Boston, which I don't believe is actually part of the United States. Mandy's main problem is that by totally ignoring the hapless Ryker's plight, she comes off as rather sadistic. Give her a reason for why she ignores him. Maybe she lost a contact and her view of the world is screwed up.
As for Ryker, he comes off as a nebbish. He keeps reassuring Mandy that he's okay when it's obvious he can't ride a horse. In fact, maybe this horse-riding date was all Ryker's idea. Maybe Mandy really wanted a ride in his hot machine, not another ride on her old road-apple machine.
This has lots of physical comedy, and you deliver it well. I appreciate that you donít show much of it, the humor is in the consequences.
For me, the problems with this are the bookend scenes. It starts off as pure trashy exposition, and itís so unnecessary. And that leads to the obligation to return to the stoner comedy at the end when this would have been much better served with Mandyís return. That would have given this some heart.
As for Mandy, sheís pretty great. Why did she abruptly leave the script? She didnít just rush off to get her horse treated (and any cowpoke worth their salt wouldnít leave a saddlebag open, it should have been Rykerís fault to make the rest work), even when the story returned to her all she did was stand there and look sad. You used her and tossed her away when you were done with her. Wait, are you Johnny?!?
Not bad. I liked how Ryker gradually got so injured he was covered in plaster. The romance was sparse. Good you got all three items in. You write miss for her and Mr for him. I'd write mister to be consistent.
Okay, straight out of the gate, the dialogue and actions are so metoo-able itís painful. Itís not like it was funny in the previous climate so I donít think itís gonna win you any plaudits in the time we find ourselves in now.Cam
Anyways, this was fun and I apologize to all who were offended by this.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.