Reading a few again just to make sure.

The real problem here is that the protagonist's friend is such a crappy person I hate the protagonist for even being friends with him. Once the woman is objectified in the opening,  my ability to relate to anything that happens after that is zero. I'd rewrite this without the  piece of crap friend

I would agree with you Dave. I'm a horse person though, so all the visual stuff was rather funny to me. I forgot about the crappy friend. Loved the other stuff.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear I would agree with you Dave. I'm a horse person though, so all the visual stuff was rather funny to me. I forgot about the crappy friend. Loved the other stuff.

Yep. Lose the friend and it has potential

I actually said something in my review about a line from the stoner being out of place.  I think there was something else right after that line that was also out of place about her tits or something.

But, I did like this stoner couple and they played into a joke about the on speaker phone that came around in the end.

They took up a bunch of pages and if they were removed, the Rom could have been explored.

I actually liked this one, though, so take out the abusive shit and I think it works better.

Quoted from Dreamscale I actually said something in my review about a line from the stoner being out of place.  I think there was something else right after that line that was also out of place about her tits or something. But, I did like this stoner couple and they played into a joke about the on speaker phone that came around in the end. They took up a bunch of pages and if they were removed, the Rom could have been explored. I actually liked this one, though, so take out the abusive shit and I think it works better.

The entire scene was out of place. Who asks his friend about his naked girlfriends  breasts and what kind of arse answers?? Its a real WTF moment
And who cares if it was linked to the same bad joke at the end. It's a fatal flaw- least in my view.

I'm a bit surprised this script is seeing so much repeat action, it was one of the lest memorable for me.

Writer,

This was written well, and I saw everything you wanted me to see for sure. You took a few swings with this one but nothing really landed. It reads more like "okay, that happened" as opposed to a story with a beginning, middle and end. Don't get me wrong, it was a fun ride, but just felt like there wasn't much in the way of a proper story. That being said, you hit all of the challenge parameters, and it was funny. It was like a stoner's romance type deal. Not bad at all, now that I think about it. Good effort!

Steve

Ride a cowboy.

Another stoner comedy.
This one was actually funny.  But doesn’t fit the traditional romcom mold. Or any romcom mold.   I liked the comedy with the horse. But try to get a horse to act?  There hasn’t been a good horse actor since Mr Ed.

I’m a big Judd Apatow fan so stoner characters are fine with me.
But the two stoners who keep calling and interrupting the story have no real business being here.  The boob jokes don’t add anything.
With those two gone, you can spend more time on the main characters.

Mandy was kind of a country and western ho.  She had some good lines.
I suppose she dumped the guy at the end for almost killing her horse.

Overall, I liked it as a straight (or stoner) comedy.  
Good job.

What guy doesn't like boobs, but on page 2 and not belonging to the female lead? Celeste (Latina  not Latino) kind of steals the show because Mandy doesn't show us hers. And this blowjob talk doesn't contribute anything to the story.

As for Mandy, her farm girl lingo seems overdone. Is she supposed to be a cowgirl or a southern belle? TV has made all Americans talk pretty much the same, except for regional accents. Except for Boston, which I don't believe is actually part of the United States. Mandy's main problem is that by totally ignoring the hapless Ryker's plight, she comes off as rather sadistic. Give her a reason for why she ignores him. Maybe she lost a contact and her view of the world is screwed up.

As for Ryker, he comes off as a nebbish. He keeps reassuring Mandy that he's okay when it's obvious he can't ride a horse. In fact, maybe this horse-riding date was all Ryker's idea. Maybe Mandy really wanted a ride in his hot machine, not another ride on her old road-apple machine.

This has lots of physical comedy, and you deliver it well. I appreciate that you don’t show much of it, the humor is in the consequences.

For me, the problems with this are the bookend scenes. It starts off as pure trashy exposition, and it’s so unnecessary. And that leads to the obligation to return to the stoner comedy at the end when this would have been much better served with Mandy’s return. That would have given this some heart.

As for Mandy, she’s pretty great. Why did she abruptly leave the script? She didn’t just rush off to get her horse treated (and any cowpoke worth their salt wouldn’t leave a saddlebag open, it should have been Ryker’s fault to make the rest work), even when the story returned to her all she did was stand there and look sad. You used her and tossed her away when you were done with her. Wait, are you Johnny?!?

Best slapstick I’ve read, so well done on that.

This one is pretty great. My type of humor. Made me laugh consistently.

No problems with the writing. Quick pace, no trouble visualizing this. Though the scene were Ryker is tossed into the ambulance read a little cartoonish. Still, funny stuff.

Not a ton of romance, at least not much that I could see.

I've got a feeling this one will stick with me for a while. Loved it.

Zack

Not bad.  I liked how Ryker gradually got so injured he was covered in plaster. The romance was sparse.  Good you got all three items in.  You write miss for her and Mr for him.  I'd write mister to be consistent.

I was confused by about page 7, where are they going, why and why...

Formatting is fine but I lost the plot and didn't really find it funny.

Hi Writer,

I think the opening scene is messing with the tone of the whole script.

I'm not much into stoner comedies, but I liked this one. It was fun, an easy read and well written – by a veteran maybe?

There wasn't much romance and Mandy's character was a little bland, or plain, to me, maybe too stereotypical, but I enjoyed the goofy stuff and the visuals, they made me laugh several times.

I would have liked more backstory in Ryker, this would have allowed me to empathize with the character, and that the story showed some heart in the end - it didn't! - but overall it's a good effort.

Good job.

Thank you to everyone who read and provided feedback here.

My original intent was very different, actually, but give the Kid some booze and weed, and a crude stoner comedy is what shows up.

Several lines should have been removed that were most likely offensive to some readers.  As for the swearing, I don't see any problem at all, personally.

In terms of feedback, it's what I expected, I guess...it started off brutal, then gradually got better and better.  Some, obviously just hated it for some reason, and that's always cool.

I have to quote 1 poster's comments, as I have absolutely no idea what this is supposed to mean -

Quoted from Cameron Okay, straight out of the gate, the dialogue and actions are so metoo-able it’s painful. It’s not like it was funny in the previous climate so I don’t think it’s gonna win you any plaudits in the time we find ourselves in now.Cam

Huh?

Anyways, this was fun and I apologize to all who were offended by this.