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You reeeeeeaaaallly wanted to be funny. And clever. And deliver a twist(ed) ending. And make it romantic. You even crammed in a recovering sex addict and the inability to have children as throwaway lines. It's a kitchen sink script, it's trying to do way too much.
The tuna allergy wasn't believable. Yes, people can be allergic to contact with fish, but usually raw and the reactions aren't anything like what you wrote, but you weren't trying to be accurate, just funny. Unfortunately, that's where the funny is, in being over the top but grounded in some sort of reality. Now, if he'd been allergic to the flowers he brought her, or something else he might inhale or ingest or get pricked by, it would have worked just fine.
Too many beats, it had the feel of a stage play and the dialogue too (lots of telling, not showing), and I didn't really care for the characters which lessened the romantic aspect of this piece. The reactions weren't really believable, it was all a little too easy...
But it's consistently quirky and the tone is solid throughout. That, and the pretty decent characterizations, elevate this a bit. It has appeal, it's just a mess. It doesn't even hang everything on that ending, which is so odd. It's just the cap to a very weird short, the extra step we could never see coming. It takes skill to set up a story where literally anything could happen and the audience just shrugs and buys it. They could have walked out and boarded an alien spaceship and I would have felt exactly the same.
It's certainly one of the more original ideas, and it does have a strange appeal. I think you nailed the last beat, it's such great character moment I can't help but like it. Overall, though, not so much. Great job entering anyway.
And the Mickey Mouse Club was never the same again...hey writer!!
So it led us in with a warm mix up, looked like a romcom, ticked all the required boxes: Box 1 - comedy - tick box - box ticked Box 2 - relationship arc, peril into loving couple - tick box - box ticked
I thought it’d end there and then we could all go home and I’d just say “good script writer”, BUT!!! What’s that, you’ve created a 3rd box for no apparent reason?? Okay, what’s the box? You what???!!
Box 3 - psychotic axe murder - tick box? Why am I ticking this box??
Ahhhh what the hell, nothing screams romcom like a screaming victim confronted by an axe.
P.S. are you Scottish?? We have a habit of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, this script should really be wearing a kilt and drinking irn bru
You begin with a non-conflict, which is the text message. It's resolved almost immediately by David and only lasts as long as it does due to his stalling and Rachel's screaming. This takes up a little over half the script, and the second half doesn't have much to do with what little conflict just occurred.
I took some issue with the text itself as well. It seemed intentionally worded for maximum capacity to be misunderstood, i.e. most convenient for the story, and did not sound realistic in the slightest because of it. I mean, would someone from an animal shelter really call a puppy a "sexy bitch" (even if the term "bitch" is technically accurate)? That this is all in text form and left on David's phone for his wife to find also feels like a convenience. I mean, if he's in talks with this woman to get a puppy and wants to surprise his wife, wouldn't he have wanted to stay on top of this and noticed that his phone was missing earlier on?
That David is an apparent sex addict also feels too convenient. It reinforces Rachel's misunderstanding a little too easily and yet seems to be of no importance after this situation is resolved. I'm guessing that this is supposed to have something to do with the ending. If so, it's a stretch, because obviously "sex addict" doesn't necessarily imply "violent psychopath."
As for the ending, it seems like it could've arrived regardless of anything in the story that came before. Totally random; no good. It's also not comedic, as I assume it's supposed to be. Surprising, sure, but not funny.
The casserole is a strange device. I don't mind it, per se, and it could've been amusing under other circumstances. I'm not sure it's justified, though, since I'd expect Rachel would indeed know her husband is allergic. Was she baking it for revenge so he'd try it and have an allergic reaction? Doesn't seem like a well-thought-out plan, but there's no sign that that's what you were going for anyway (just the only thing that occurs to me atm).
Overall, very forced and illogical. Disappointed with the use of the Florida Man concept too; I'd hoped this might be a fun one. The writing itself wasn't bad though. I'll give you that. Other than that, not for me.
I'll preface by saying this... you're a talented writer and you've proven that on here before, so you're kind of at that point where people either dig your style or they don't and that's a pretty good place to be.
There's also a LOT of talk for what's essentially a small reveal. Belle. There's a far more compact way of doing this. And the reactions they give to each other (”Oh, Rachel! Thank you. Thif make me tho thappy” or “Your welcome, baby. I love you” and “I luff you too.”) are ringing as fake dialogue. Some of this stuff feels extraneous. Yellow roses are my favorite. You knew that, right? Of course I knew, honey. Who cares? Why is that dramatically important to the moment?
Needless to say, didn't care for the ending. If the parameters called for rom-com/horror then I would be all in but it didn't.
I think believability counts in everything we write, even if it's ultimately a silly popcorn flick. I guess it's our job to sell the unbelievable aspects in such a way that they DO seem believable.
Kudos for finishing...
"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
Not bad, this one. I guess rom com wasn't enough, you had to pull the extra punch at the end. I think it works. The rom com part reminds me more of a Three's Company episode -- this mistaken identity thing. Can be funny when done right. Here it sort of hits, and sort of misses. The humor was more attached to David's allergic reaction, and the romance was really well, I don't know, Rachel did bring him Belle in the end, so I guess she really loves him. Definitely a non-traditional spin on the genre that almost works. Good effort!
So, you pretty obviously didn't care about "winning" this particular challenge. I get that. Don't much mind it either.
You did get the exact reaction you were going for, so kudos for that.
I, too, laughed hard at the last line. Pretty much DQ'd you for it... but, it WAS funny. And, I bet that's enough for you.
Anyway, my big logic problem was going to be that even though she was pissed and baking a casserole clearly intended to harm... she was still able to turn on a dime and give him this "great" present. She's that angry, she would have "returned" the gift already... not had it wrapped neatly for him in the living room.
But, in the scheme of things, it turns out that was a small issue.
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Yellow roses? Hmmmmm those usually don't say I Love you. Taking notes as reading... so...
LOL @ him sneaking in to surprise her and the casserole crashing
ok I'm totally confused by this one. I think feels like two different stories. I was liking it until the part about Disney World what does that have to do with the travel agent? First you lead us down the path of a cheating husband and then the woman kills the travel agent. I do not get it.
What’s with all of these going down this absurd horror-esque paths?
I don’t know, it’s hard to say something isn’t earned in 8 pages, but it just doesn’t feel earned.
It was sweet, then it was mildly funny with the allergic reaction and then BOOM, last page, they’re killers.
I do like “Cut to Red” though. That’s the type of little flair I appreciate and blow hards with zero industry success will tell you has no place in a script like it fuckin matters.
I like some elements, but ultimately doesn’t really work. It didn’t live up to my hopes for the title either as “Florida Man” has become an internet legend.
I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.
"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)