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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Farm Girl
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grademan
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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Kudos on a creative approach to the assignment but the story was a one trick pony. For a drama boost, showing the argument between Milly and Jed or the ridicule she felt, rather than telling us in dialogue would have helped this one a lot.
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c m hall
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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I don't think this script had much of a debate about diet choices -- and the idea that one needs to shoot  food is kind of silly, farm animals would be just as likely killed with axes and knives.  
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Ledbetter
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Short and sweet about sums it up. I hope no actual vegetable was injured during the filming .....

Shawn......><
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Coding Herman
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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A short and nice script. Maybe a bit too short to have the impact you wanted to achieve.

I can see the ending when Jed said, "This ain't hunting, Milly." So you might want to hide the hints even more.

Not much of a story, more like a scene or a particular incident. And there's no argument between veggie/carnivore philosophies. The father is too nice here. If he tries harder to convert Millie, that might be more interesting and add conflict.

I enjoyed it, but not sure if it's gonna be remembered.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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FDiogo
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, short and sweet. I still think you could've build up some more tension about what she was shooting (maybe trying to make us think it could be people).

"I'm just a meat and potatoes guy.". I think we get it from the visuals, it would get sweeter if you didn't say this and let the audience wonder about it.


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pwhitcroft
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Iíll make notes as I go..

Pg 1 Ė Has a really gripping start.
The dialogue at the end of the page wraps over to the next page, which is a formatting taboo.

Pg 3 Ė I like the premise for this and for me itís good that you have kept it short because that feels like the natural length for the story.

This is an effective story with a good visual element to it.


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_ghostwriters
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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To the writer...

Not much here, really.  Dogglebe made a good point, a re-write woud do wonders, but what would be even better is to expand this.  You have four, well three pages minus the title.  You could have added four or five pages and made something out of this.

Guess what I'm saying is... you chose quantity over quality... if you know what I mean.

Ghostwriter


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This is kind of cute, but it doesn't really have a whole lot of story to it.

I'm wondering why she would scare her father by "the shot" and then he's all nicey-nice afterwards.

Seems he'd be right pissed that she's just goofing off with a weapon.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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Poor Milly.  It looks like she needs to take Midol from now on.l

And before the feminists take issue with that, my grandma started shooting up the farm after an argument with grandpa back in the fifties.  Grandma admitted that it was during her time of the month.

Anonymous, you made my day with this one.  Thanks for bringing back a wild memory of my grandma.
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