SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is October 16th, 2019, 1:39pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The October OWC Scripts have been posted


Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Farm Girl
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    OWC - Farm Girl  (currently 2537 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13338
Posts Per Day
1.95
Farm Girl by Anonymous - Short, Drama - A daughter deals with her father's chastisement by shooting her food. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
jwent6688
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1748
Posts Per Day
0.44
Mildly amused by this one. A vegan girl getting her own food with a rifle?

Other then that, No real ending IMO. Could've been better with what you started with.

James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
stevie
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Down Under
Posts
3191
Posts Per Day
0.80
Short and sweet, and I still have no idea what it means.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 23
greg
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1869
Posts Per Day
0.35
You guys didn't get the ending?  She got into an argument with her dad cause she's a vegan and he's a meat guy.  So she goes out and "hunts" her own food and obviously the dad is a little upset, you know, little girl running off with a gun and firing around.  But it turns out she was just shooting fruits and stuff AKA "hunting" her food.  It's kinda like a pun.  And of course they make up in the end.

It was cute I guess.  Clever take on the theme.  Short and sweet.

That said I don't think it's anywhere near enough to be remembered among the batch of scripts, but what can I say?  Nice take on the theme and good job.


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
screenrider
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Yeah, I get it.  It was cute.  No drama, but it fit the theme.   Needed a little more thought put into it.  A better ending.  

Good effort.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 23
Andrew
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 12:13am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
New York, USA
Posts
1634
Posts Per Day
0.42
Same writer as the last one I read, judging by the identical layout and style.

Again, another joke that was written in a short space of time. There's not really very much to say to stuff like this. It's a skit, but not a good one, so it just makes a bit of a mockery of the theme under the guise of 'having some fun'.

Andrew


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 12:17am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3241
Posts Per Day
0.88
It's a very good concept. Could be more clearer, I think, but I understood it (on the second read).

I think you could show him tell her "you're not a daughter of mine if you can't shoot your own food." Why to hear her telling him what he has told her... Let him say it and let us hear him say it...

I think it could be really beautiful with a small rewrite. I think your story would work so much better if you got rid of all "you said" "I said" and made it more clearer. But it IS a good story, I really liked it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 23
Cam17
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 1:07am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
153
Posts Per Day
0.04
Just not too much story to comment on here.  There was no tension or conflict whatsoever, so it'd be hard to call this a drama.  

       MILLY
So argument that I can shoot?

That just sounds awkward.  

I like the idea of a kid disagreeing with her parent on the subject, but I think you could have dug a lot deeper.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
Dreamscale
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 2:17am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11128
Posts Per Day
2.57
Hmmm, I'm getting this weird feeling that everyone's doing pisstakes as entries.

This one is pretty bad again, but seemingly written poorly on purpose...or hopefully.  The dialogue is brilliantly horrible.  Very humorous, actually.

Didn't make much sense but again, I think that was probably intended.

Funny stuff...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
michel
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 4:27am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
France
Posts
1236
Posts Per Day
0.25
A nice one. Not quite a drama but I liked the idea hunting vegetables. Hope sh's a good shooter, otherwise, I can't imagine the state of the apple.

Still wonder he she gets carrots. Mines?


Michel


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 23
michel
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 4:28am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
France
Posts
1236
Posts Per Day
0.25
A nice one. Not quite a drama but I liked the idea hunting vegetables. Hope she's a good shooter, otherwise, I can't imagine the state of the apple.

Still wonder he she gets carrots. Mines?


Michel


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 23
michel
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 4:29am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
France
Posts
1236
Posts Per Day
0.25
A nice one. Not quite a drama but I liked the idea hunting vegetables. Hope she's a good shooter, otherwise, I can't imagine the state of the apple.

Still wonder he she gets carrots. Mines?


Michel


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
Trojan
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:12am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Location
Australia
Posts
427
Posts Per Day
0.11
I understood the story here no problem, but I could also see the twist coming right from the beginning. Not a lot here to comment on really, a fair effort.

Cheers,
Tim.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 23
stebrown
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 6:47am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
948
Posts Per Day
0.22
This wasn't too bad. Pretty much hits the challenge but I think it needed a bit more of a story. Maybe if you showed the argument that led her to go out and 'hunt' her food?

Nice effort.


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 23
dogglebe
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 10:01am Report to Moderator
Guest User



While I thought this was a good script, a rewrite would do wonders to improve it.  I thought that Jed was a little too understand to what his daughter was doing.  A 'meat and potatoes' guy like him would probably slap her for wasting ammo and scaring the animals (and himself).  I also think that Millie's too old for her actions; I can imagine a ten year doing what she was doing, but not a fifteen year old.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 14 - 23
grademan
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 10:16am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
896
Posts Per Day
0.23
Kudos on a creative approach to the assignment but the story was a one trick pony. For a drama boost, showing the argument between Milly and Jed or the ridicule she felt, rather than telling us in dialogue would have helped this one a lot.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 23
c m hall
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 10:49am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
peninsula of Jersey
Posts
431
Posts Per Day
0.12
I don't think this script had much of a debate about diet choices -- and the idea that one needs to shoot  food is kind of silly, farm animals would be just as likely killed with axes and knives.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 23
Ledbetter
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 11:42am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Short and sweet about sums it up. I hope no actual vegetable was injured during the filming .....

Shawn......><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 17 - 23
Coding Herman
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
458
Posts Per Day
0.12
A short and nice script. Maybe a bit too short to have the impact you wanted to achieve.

I can see the ending when Jed said, "This ain't hunting, Milly." So you might want to hide the hints even more.

Not much of a story, more like a scene or a particular incident. And there's no argument between veggie/carnivore philosophies. The father is too nice here. If he tries harder to convert Millie, that might be more interesting and add conflict.

I enjoyed it, but not sure if it's gonna be remembered.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 23
FDiogo
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Location
Portugal
Posts
26
Posts Per Day
0.01
Yeah, short and sweet. I still think you could've build up some more tension about what she was shooting (maybe trying to make us think it could be people).

"I'm just a meat and potatoes guy.". I think we get it from the visuals, it would get sweeter if you didn't say this and let the audience wonder about it.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 23
pwhitcroft
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
158
Posts Per Day
0.04
Iíll make notes as I go..

Pg 1 Ė Has a really gripping start.
The dialogue at the end of the page wraps over to the next page, which is a formatting taboo.

Pg 3 Ė I like the premise for this and for me itís good that you have kept it short because that feels like the natural length for the story.

This is an effective story with a good visual element to it.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 23
_ghostwriters
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
Regular


I am a writer first and a critic second.

Location
"On the road to Rome."
Posts
930
Posts Per Day
0.25
To the writer...

Not much here, really.  Dogglebe made a good point, a re-write woud do wonders, but what would be even better is to expand this.  You have four, well three pages minus the title.  You could have added four or five pages and made something out of this.

Guess what I'm saying is... you chose quantity over quality... if you know what I mean.

Ghostwriter


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 23
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3750
Posts Per Day
0.84

This is kind of cute, but it doesn't really have a whole lot of story to it.

I'm wondering why she would scare her father by "the shot" and then he's all nicey-nice afterwards.

Seems he'd be right pissed that she's just goofing off with a weapon.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 22 - 23
TheRichcraft
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
226
Posts Per Day
0.06
Poor Milly.  It looks like she needs to take Midol from now on.l

And before the feminists take issue with that, my grandma started shooting up the farm after an argument with grandpa back in the fifties.  Grandma admitted that it was during her time of the month.

Anonymous, you made my day with this one.  Thanks for bringing back a wild memory of my grandma.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    May 2010 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Thread Rating

There have been 3 votes for this thread.
 
Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006