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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Farm Girl
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  Author    OWC - Farm Girl  (currently 2522 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Farm Girl by Anonymous - Short, Drama - A daughter deals with her father's chastisement by shooting her food. - pdf, format


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jwent6688
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Mildly amused by this one. A vegan girl getting her own food with a rifle?

Other then that, No real ending IMO. Could've been better with what you started with.

James


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stevie
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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Short and sweet, and I still have no idea what it means.


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greg
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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You guys didn't get the ending?  She got into an argument with her dad cause she's a vegan and he's a meat guy.  So she goes out and "hunts" her own food and obviously the dad is a little upset, you know, little girl running off with a gun and firing around.  But it turns out she was just shooting fruits and stuff AKA "hunting" her food.  It's kinda like a pun.  And of course they make up in the end.

It was cute I guess.  Clever take on the theme.  Short and sweet.

That said I don't think it's anywhere near enough to be remembered among the batch of scripts, but what can I say?  Nice take on the theme and good job.


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screenrider
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I get it.  It was cute.  No drama, but it fit the theme.   Needed a little more thought put into it.  A better ending.  

Good effort.
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Andrew
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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Same writer as the last one I read, judging by the identical layout and style.

Again, another joke that was written in a short space of time. There's not really very much to say to stuff like this. It's a skit, but not a good one, so it just makes a bit of a mockery of the theme under the guise of 'having some fun'.

Andrew


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khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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It's a very good concept. Could be more clearer, I think, but I understood it (on the second read).

I think you could show him tell her "you're not a daughter of mine if you can't shoot your own food." Why to hear her telling him what he has told her... Let him say it and let us hear him say it...

I think it could be really beautiful with a small rewrite. I think your story would work so much better if you got rid of all "you said" "I said" and made it more clearer. But it IS a good story, I really liked it.
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Cam17
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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Just not too much story to comment on here.  There was no tension or conflict whatsoever, so it'd be hard to call this a drama.  

       MILLY
So argument that I can shoot?

That just sounds awkward.  

I like the idea of a kid disagreeing with her parent on the subject, but I think you could have dug a lot deeper.


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 2:17am Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, I'm getting this weird feeling that everyone's doing pisstakes as entries.

This one is pretty bad again, but seemingly written poorly on purpose...or hopefully.  The dialogue is brilliantly horrible.  Very humorous, actually.

Didn't make much sense but again, I think that was probably intended.

Funny stuff...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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michel
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 4:27am Report to Moderator
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A nice one. Not quite a drama but I liked the idea hunting vegetables. Hope sh's a good shooter, otherwise, I can't imagine the state of the apple.

Still wonder he she gets carrots. Mines?


Michel


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michel
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 4:28am Report to Moderator
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A nice one. Not quite a drama but I liked the idea hunting vegetables. Hope she's a good shooter, otherwise, I can't imagine the state of the apple.

Still wonder he she gets carrots. Mines?


Michel


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michel
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 4:29am Report to Moderator
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A nice one. Not quite a drama but I liked the idea hunting vegetables. Hope she's a good shooter, otherwise, I can't imagine the state of the apple.

Still wonder he she gets carrots. Mines?


Michel


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Trojan
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:12am Report to Moderator
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I understood the story here no problem, but I could also see the twist coming right from the beginning. Not a lot here to comment on really, a fair effort.

Cheers,
Tim.
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stebrown
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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This wasn't too bad. Pretty much hits the challenge but I think it needed a bit more of a story. Maybe if you showed the argument that led her to go out and 'hunt' her food?

Nice effort.


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dogglebe
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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While I thought this was a good script, a rewrite would do wonders to improve it.  I thought that Jed was a little too understand to what his daughter was doing.  A 'meat and potatoes' guy like him would probably slap her for wasting ammo and scaring the animals (and himself).  I also think that Millie's too old for her actions; I can imagine a ten year doing what she was doing, but not a fifteen year old.


Phil
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