I liked the bitchy remark about the ring, the cat fight, the lyrics, and the fact that there's plenty of action. But I found the action difficult to picture. For instance, when Natalie makes the remark about the ring, is she talking to Billy and Jenny, or saying it loudly to the restaurant at large, or just to Brian standing there with a drink and Billy overhears? And the cat fight should have been written to be more visually exciting on the page. It's not a crime to use caps, italics etc to emphasize that this is a block of high-energy ACTION, not just characters moving about normally.

Also, the fight - laugh - fight sequence was baffling, as other have said. Perhaps Jenny could announce she's going to teach Natalie manners, then later, Oh, you still haven't learned manners. BANGS forehead on table.

For me, Brian needs to do more to win Natalie than just be cute and pour a drink over her. At the least, he should bribe Gordon to put lipstick on Vanderbilt's shirt (and, from the script it wasn't clear to me that Gordon does this surreptitiously, or even why he should do it for her in the first place -- he owes Natalie nothing). And Natalie needs to act more regal and Ice Princessy. If you hadn't described her as an Ice Princess right at the start, one would think she's trailer trash. For instance, in standing up to Vanderbilt she should first tell him off coldly, *then* crush his balls.

Generally, the scenes were difficult to picture, and the characters' motivations were not always clear. I'd say it needs an extensive rewrite to realize your idea properly.

I had a hard time with this one... Were we to assume it wa frank sinatra himself singing at the restaurant??? His name was Frankie??? If so it would need to be dated, but i could be completely off.

The fight in the bathroom was way too long, didn't add to your story. I never got why, all of the sudden, they just started laughing and became friends.

The lyrics were nice though. I don't feel they completely were base around your theme, but nice.

This did lack comedy IMO, and romance. Natalie and brian needed to be built up a little more, but it was a daunting task for 12 pgs.

I still don't get the Rany vandy thing...

You write well, but it didn't flow to me. But then again, we all complain about flow reading a script, when its flow watching it on film that matters. Could be different on film.

Good effort....       James

Thanks guys for reading this. I've PMed all of you who reviewed this and thanks again for the time. My best work is yet to come.

Yes, I reviewed my own work. It was easy to dis myself after letting it sit for a few days while waiting for it to be posted.

Gary

This one had a very interesting vibe to it.  I kept thinking this was taking place in a 1950's country club.  Even the story, up to a certain point, seemed to be of another era, what with the scheming little debutante social climber and the Frank Sinatra guy.

It took a strange turn with the fight and never quite regained its footing, IMO.  I think it would have worked better without the fight and just made it more about Natalie and her romantic problems with her man.

Definitely one of the better songs, though.  Good job on that.

So, from Tom & Jake to this. I do not know how you managed two entries, and very different styles too - very versatile. This one was more up my alley. A really quick and easy read, great touches of humour. Loved this line:

'I am deeply concerned
regarding the condition of
your décolleté, Miss
Hawthorne.'

I was a little befuddled during the 'cat fight', not sure about that. And, I couldn't
really detect much in the way of romance, so marks off (if there were marks) for that. Overall: a really entertaining read. Oh, and I loved those lyrics - very 'outside the square'.

L. C.

Thanks for the read.

I am glad you liked that line. I had to work on it through several drafts. I like this type of dialog/humor a lot.

The main purpose of the catfight was to add action to an already dull restaurant setting. I may have overdone it at the expense of the story but it was so cool to write as my first action scene I couldn't resist.

Originally, this script clocked in at 15 pages so a lot of trimming was required which explains the quick read and shallow romance and plotting concerns.

Also glad you noted the lyrics. I used to be a wannabe singer/songwriter before a wannabe screenwriter.

Gary