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Broadway Betty by First Initial - Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A struggling screenwriter enlists the help of an aging Broadway legend to help him write a song. - pdf, format
I really got into this, it would have to be the best so far. Ok, its not lol like 'Terms' but it fits all the criteria. I love all the musical references and SS refs too. Not sure who wrote it- maybe pia...or George...Splatter? hmmm.
Formatting excellent. one question - I couldn't work out the significance of knowing that Kaylee had buttons on her apron?
and the spoiler comment? I would've had Betty die.
This is my favorite script so far. Well done. Good, believable premise, solid characters and great dialogue. Really pulled at the ol' heartstrings, this one. Format and spelling were spot on, as well. The romance wasn't quite all there, but there was just enough of it. Of all the scripts I've read, I thought this one brought together all the elements in this OWC the most succesfully. Excellent job, writer.
The descriptions in the beginnng were a little over-written (we get it, she has lots of Broadway paraphenalia and a Tony in her office... and do we really care what color the waitress' hair is?) and it probably could've used a bit more romance to completely fulfill the OWC requirement.
Now that that's out of the way, I really liked this one. The characters were really well developed, especially the grandma, as I definitely found myself caring about her fate towards the end. I thought you had a few humorous lines in here, but nothing that undercut the dramatic mood of the piece. The lyrics fit the musical piece pretty well and were well-written.
I really enjoyed this story. I thought the writing was expert. I loved the characters. The dialog was fresh, everyone had their own voice and some of the lines were so witty. Very well done.
I do have one suggestion and that is to tone down some of your descriptions. A few of them were just too detailed and some of those details I don't think added anything to your story. Like why do we need to know there were buttons on the apron or that someone was wearing loose, cotton shorts. It just seemed like overkill and shy waste the words?
I thought this was excellent and by far my fav so far. GREAT WORK!!!!!
Checked out the web - oh my, you surely went extra 10 miles here. And I can't read the notes, bummer! Did you write your own tune too for this? I kind of had hard time understanding because your MP3 melody sounds kind of different.
It's a good script, I think. Well written and touching piece.
the two biggest issues i had with this is: one, the buffett song...using a song that you don't own the rights to (and i'm assuming you don't) will get an automatic rejection from any studio/producer...second, it seems like it was written by someone who wants to be a set designer...read pg. 32 of this month's "script" magazine..i'll paraphrase: "include only the basics in your script: who's entering the scene, who's exiting, and who's carrying a gun. everything else ...are details unnecessary to the of a two hour story in 120 pages."...not to mention it forces the reader to remember details that won't be of any use to move the story along...much better on a tighter re-write...
It's a fairly low key affair, but it has charm. There is a nice inventiveness and playfullness in the dialogue.
I particularly liked the idea of "eating angry". It was only a passing comment, but I found that was the concept that stuck with me the most.
Being harsh I would say that it perhaps took longer than necessary to get to the story. He could have just turned up at Betty's door and the film would largely be the same. There is also a lack of conflict during the story. Everyone is on the same side.
Still the dialogue made up for that and it was an easy read.
Cons – Overly descriptive in places. Readers don't care if Kaylee's hair was dyed or black for that matter. A few nits. I wasn’t clear on Kaylee and David being siblings until pg 6; Hannah came off as nasty when she asked Chris “who the hell are you?” Seemed out of character for her. Though, it was the only tension in this one.
Comedy – Comedy was more woven in as humor not “look at me” jokes. I kept hearing David as Chris Griffin on Family Guy (hey, my son watches it!) especially his words “Soft as a grape.”
Romance – Romance between David and Hannah? No. Romance with Betty’s spirit and David? No . But affection. Yes.
Lyrics – Well done as song that an elderly hipster helped David write for his Zombie Musical. BTW, there is a musical where a zombie dog bites three nuns….
Writer – You’ve created a memorable character in Broadway Betty. Also, you got in a few insights about the life of a screen writer. Some tension and less desciption would have made this one shine brightler. Great effort for OWC.
Criteria – Not an amped out comedy about romance. Rather an insightful light hearted drama about affection. Lyrics fit well.
I thoroughly enjoyed this one and like I said before:
You guys are making it awfully hard. How am I ever going to be able to choose a favorite? I really don't know.
Anyways, I loved the dialogue of Betty's because it's absolutely and completely true. It means something-- not just within the context of the script, but out there in this playing field we call life.
Betty:
Working on it? Honey, writing isn’t something you work on...It’s a passion, a driving force that wells up from within your soul that has to be released, other wise...
You have to bleed it. Consider Shelton and Cook. They write dialogue in their sleep and dream in industry standard format. Do you?
DAVID Well, I have, uh, Final Draft. Betty laughs.
And this:
BETTY I still treasure these moments, getting lost in the creation of music. You’ve got some talent, but you have to work at writing it from the heart-otherwise, you’ll come off as a zombie yourself.
This needs to be posted up on Simplyscripts in a sticky thread.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess who wrote this purely based on one item of clothing worn by one character. Is it a bread crumb, or a red herring?
Meeting the competition criteria: this is actually a pretty good dramedy, but it's completely missing the romantic element. There was never even a suggestion that two of the characters shared anything like a romantic connection (Hannah turned David down flat, and even by the end there was no suggestion she was coming round), and Betty 'being in love with writing' isn't the same. To me, romance is the key to this challenge...comedy and drama have to be included, but this is supposed to be a romantic dramedy Characters: great characterisation. I really liked them, particularly Betty (obviously). You get high marks, although I would have liked for there to have been a bit more substance to David Dialogue: generally great, especially when Betty was speaking. At other times,with other characters, the quality dipped slightly, but overall pretty darn good Story: I really got into it. As I've said, there was no romance, which slightly lessened its effectiveness...but you did have a good thing going. I wouldn't have minded if this had gone on for a lot longer, which is a very good sign. However, the flip-side of wanting it to carry on is that I wasn't totally convinced that this ended well...it felt a bit abrupt Writing/format: I feel at times that this was over-written. I actually liked the detail given to Betty's room, but it was the descriptions of what characters were wearing that seemed excessive to me. Take Hannah's entrance - you could have cut two action paragraphs and not lost a thing, since you've already said she's 'gorgeous'. I also didn't like the "lizards" line near the start. Format was good, and the writing was generally good, but it could do with some trimming
P.S. The title page says 'Betty Broadway', but the thread title is 'Broadway Betty'...is that wrong? Because I think the former is better.
I think this is very well done and comes across as a good read.
Like others have said, it's defintely way overwritten in many instances. It actually gets close to the point of ruining the read, but not quite. Betty is too cool a character to let too many meaningless details spoil her story.
I really didn't see or feel much in terms of romance, but the story was strong enough to let me overlook that.
I see you really spent some time on the music and lyrics...they were pretty good, but I had trouble integrating them into the tune (and it seems like the tune you used was different?).
Overall, this is a very solid entry and I give you props for really trying here, and going the extra mile with the lyrics and music.
Extremely well written, with a good balance between action, description and dialog. It was easy to picture the scene while reading. I liked Kaylee, David, and Betty. Hannah remained a bit of a mystery. Perhaps she should get more to do while they are writing the song. Also I'd like more indication of the initial lyrics so we see how David has solved the problems when he finally sings it to her. I thought the dialog was a little stilted, more like making a speech than speaking. And that "soft as a grape" comment I didn't get at all.
This was more a drama than a comedy-drama (a mistake I also made with my submission) and didn't have much romance, but the lyrics were good. One point -- put a "/" to mark the end of a line when putting lyrics in dialog. Overall, I thought this was one of the better entries.
I thought this was a good story, and it was clear the writer knows what they were doing. I felt it was a bit overwritten in places, but wasn't too bad overall.
You did a good job with the characters, I picked up straight away that David and Kaylee were brother and sister so well done on that. Betty's character was very well developed. I didn't care for David too much, one of the things that bothered me about him was his use of 'like' in every second sentence. He came across as one of those annoying kids from the Valley and it really grated on me after awhile.
Few typos, nothing major. On page 3, where Betty says "Depends whose asking me" it should be 'who's'.
When David first entered the nursing home, I wondered why it was a saleswoman who showed him to Betty. Wouldn't it be a nurse or receptionist?
My main concern with this story was there was no hint of romance whatsoever. I thought something might develop between David and Hannah but that got quashed before it had a chance to get started. I think you could have played with that a bit more to create some chemistry between the two of them. It was a bit light on comedy, more of a drama I would say. Overall it was one of the better entires, but seeing as there was no romance I don't know if it really met the requirements of the challenge fully. Good effort though.
Early on, I joked that someone would figure out a way to work zombies into the challenge. I was kidding. However, I liked how it got squeezed into the story. Liked the Metallica reference. Did Kaylee work at the Coffee Shop? Maybe she would have had a name tag instead of generic buttons. Descriptions are a bit over the top. Remember the value of white space, keeping it short and concise. Less is more.
Hannah is 28? Seems like that would be better for a teen or younger girl-or maybe I'm just brainwashed by Hannah Montana.
What's up with the all the cats? If they aren't essential to the story or character, I'd lose them.
I'm glad Betty didn't get killed off. I liked her. Pretty light on the comedy, if at all. Not picking up any sparks from David to Hannah, either. So where is the romance? Maybe after the reveal you'll let us know. But, as a drama, not bad.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
This was pretty good... Very well written, I'm guessing it's a certain Moderator... Maybe. i dunno..
The lyrcis were great... Love to see Zombie the Musical... I'll buy a ticket to that.
This was mostly a drama IMO... Lacked romance and comedy, although the whole idea of it is a little funny... I did laugh when he started singing the lyrcis...
Descriptions were great, maybe a little overwritten as others have said...
I checked out the link at the end... Confused, I thought we were suppose to use "THIS" piece of music..
Hmm. There was a really nice idea here. But - and obviously this isn't your fault as it is the rules of the OWC to limit it to this size - it really needs to have more room to breathe - all the way up to feature length maybe. It all happens far too quickly. One minute he needs someone to help write a song, next minute he's written it. And all after one meeting with Betty, which lasts a few minutes at best. That's what I call inspiration.
When Betty is talking to Hannah as they are about to leave, I wondered what she was on about - she talks as if Hannah has been really involved, but all she did was make some ice tea and sit down!
I found some of the character descriptions far too literary - all this "hair that falls like satin" business! I also liked the idea of giving directions to Cat actors - I'd love to see that work in practice. Maybe Lapdogs would be better?
I was a bit mystified at David being shown into the old people's home by a "Saleswoman"?
If developed, I would assume that David and Hannah would get together. As this was not actually fulfilled within the script, however, it could not really be described as a romance. There was a dramatic incident - the stroke - and I suppose that the cats provided some comedic touches, but none were great.
I could feel for David as a character - he seemed very lacklustre - a bit of a wimp really. And the lyrics are probably best left too one side. It was nice that the song element played a part in the actual story - I felt this was the point of this OWC and didn't like some of the scripts where it seemed more or less tacked on. In fact this script probably comes closest to the original premise as outlined, so congrats are due there.
As I say, opening up would solve a lot of these problems.
I guess I'm on a winning streak as far as reading goes!
I loved this one!!
Not only was it written expertly, but the story had very good drama and very good romance as well.
Also who could not LOVE a story mentioning the Gators, Jimmy Buffett, Shelton and some weirdo named Cook in it??
Honestly, this was great. The characters were well developed. All very distinct. Betty was great as was Hannah and the guy. They were all different and spoke through their own voice.
The story was great as well and the lyrics were fine.
I'm serious...this one ranks in the top 3 of the ones I've read.
It all meshed together so well. It was funny and sad.
Love the small bits of SS in this, "Consider Shelton and Cook."
"Wine in a box crap"? That's the only wine I drink!
I think the song was the weakest part of the script. I'm not saying it's bad, just could be better. The dialogue was gold, and the action scenes were easy to visualise.
Great job of painting a picture. Terse action lines. How do you not love Betty. Her companionship with David had a romance all its own. And a zombie musical is pretty damn unique. Dialog was rich and the comedy was not broad. Beautiful, sad, dramatic -- and if David and Hannah don't wind up together, it would confound me. Well done.
Originally, Betty did pass away and the final song was preformed at her funeral, but figured a toungue in cheek song about zombies would be somewhat in appropriate. Besides, I wanted to turn it to a more up ending (stretching the definition of Comedy as being where nobody dies)
The romance wasn't quite all there, but there was just enough of it.
The idea of Romance, I tried to express as Betty’s love for music, reflected in her lifelong dedication and joy in musical expression. That’s why I cold-watered Hannah and David to zero in on that...I don’t think it worked. Hannah’s putting her hand on David’s shoulder at the hospital is a clue that things might happen between them after all, but perhaps she might have been slightly bolder.
Quoted from wannabe
...tone down some of your descriptions. A few of them were just too detailed and some of those details I don't think added anything to your story. Like why do we need to know there were buttons on the apron or that someone was wearing loose, cotton shorts. It just seemed like overkill and shy waste the words?
The buttons on the apron will be re-written as a name tag...Originally, they were advertising 1/2 off biscotti’s, which demontrated that she works at the coffee shop. Otherwise, yes, I did go overboard on the descriptions. White space is valuable real estate.
I wasn’t clear on Kaylee and David being siblings until pg 6; Hannah came off as nasty when she asked Chris “who the hell are you?” Seemed out of character for her. Though, it was the only tension in this one.
Anticipated some confusion about Kaylee’s relationship to David. I don’t think I’ve ever said “Ok, Sis...” or anything like that to my sister...ever. The painting the room comment is something she would have said to me, or maybe something like “That’s why Mom likes you best...”
Correct about Hannah saying “who the hell are you?”...Bit out of character.
Did you write your own tune too for this? I kind of had hard time understanding because your MP3 melody sounds kind of different.
My wife is a professional musician (flautist) so she helped with the music. We used the supplied backing track and built a melody on top of it, much like in the Lovecraft song. Originally, we were going to try have some college students sing it and upload it, but we couldn’t pull it off. They are, however, very interested in putting together a zombie musical, so we may start working on that...
the two biggest issues i had with this is: one, the buffett song...using a song that you don't own the rights to (and i'm assuming you don't) will get an automatic rejection from any studio/producer....
Don’t know the legalities of using Margaritaville being sung by the seniors, as opposed to using a recording of Jimmy himself. Perhaps I’ll post this question in the other forum. Good question.
And that "soft as a grape" comment I didn't get at all.
When I was a teenager, I delivered papers. One night, one of the guys I worked with was killed crossing a busy street. The next day, our boss, a big, strong guy kept brushing off tears saying “look at me...Soft as a grape.” A nod to Mike Rousseau. RIP, dude.
I didn't care for David too much, one of the things that bothered me about him was his use of 'like' in every second sentence. He came across as one of those annoying kids from the Valley and it really grated on me after awhile.
When David first entered the nursing home, I wondered why it was a saleswoman who showed him to Betty. Wouldn't it be a nurse or receptionist?
The saleswoman. Yep. These retirement communitys are big business. They include top of the line amenitys that cost alot of money. The seniors still get as much independence as they can handle, but they do have a doc and nurse on premises. It’s not a nursing home, although alot of places do have a nursing home type section.
Using too many Likes and uh’s, vocal static...Agree. Overdone, distracting and a late addition that I should have left alone.
Quoted from Niles_Crane
I also liked the idea of giving directions to Cat actors - I'd love to see that work in practice. Maybe Lapdogs would be better?
I originally had a lap dog. My wife made me change them to cats to symbolize a zombie attack. I don’t think it worked.