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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Je Me Sais Pas, Cozco - OWC
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  Author    Je Me Sais Pas, Cozco - OWC  (currently 4970 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2014, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Je Me Sais Pas, Cozco by Avant Garde - Short, Horror - After having his money stolen, a high schooler finds solace in an idiopathic Frenchman from another world who may or may not be a hitman. (R ) - pdf, format


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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At its best, there's some really good writing and surreal moments. I took that away from it. A few things that were head scratchers for me was that random sex scene - still super funny - but wtf? Breakdancing - hahaha!

Frenchman Cozco's dialogue stood out, I mean it's different for sure, but how it flows and then changes dynamic...  It's just insane. In a good way. I also chucked at that bizarre silent exchange between Jimmy and the principal. Like I said, good writer here - got carried away. Littered with typos.

I liked it, and I have no idea why. Guilty pleasure I guess.
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LC
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 2:59am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Hmm, really not sure what to make of this.

The title is spelled incorrectly je ne sais pas with an 'n' - even though I only got up to high school French - so that makes me wonder... and there is lots more of that going around throughout.

Lots of 'telling' instead of 'showing' as well.

Presumably (unless Don is uploading them randomly, and not in order) this was submitted early so there would have been quite a lot of time to fix a lot of the errors..

'electoads' - !! - for example.

And some really odd phrasings.  

Some mildly (Joe Pesci) comedic moments which I'm not sure would translate to screen, but funny to read.

Including: This is no time to think of la boobies!

And some surreal moments -

Namely because the doctor was a literal
elephant


If I could give her
my life to have her get some chemo,
you wouldn’t be alive right now.


That doesn't even make sense, I'm afraid.

At least your guy upgraded to a $3 hooker - that Two-dollar one was probably rubbish.  

A unique entry.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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Pisser from Jeff?
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Dustin
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 3:16am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

splattered


You mention this or splatters four times on page 2. It really stands out.

Code

The people
are dressed differently.


In what manner are they dressed differently?

Code

FRENCHMAN COZCO
I suppose it neva’ really getz
eazier. My mother used to take us
to the carnival every fall, the
smile she had on her face those
nights. We never came from a rich
family, but what she did for us was
important, and I think I neglected
that more than anything. When the
doctors diagnosed her with cancer,
I couldn’t help but cry. Namely
because the doctor was a literal
elephant but it was just the fact
it took me that long to understand
that yes, she existed and that no,
maybe I was a bad son. Money’s hard
to come by these parts, that’s the
sad part about it. Poor fuckin’
mammy, Jimmy. If I could give her
my life to have her get some chemo,
you wouldn’t be alive right now. I
could’ve stolen the money for the
chemo but is that who I wanna’ be?
Is that what I want the world to
remember Costco as?


I skipped the lot.

I hate to say it, but... what the fuck? I couldn't get to the end.


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Dustin
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 3:19am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Pisser from Jeff?


He never writes pissers, he just says that afterwards when it doesn't go down as well as he dreamed it would.


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rendevous
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 4:19am Report to Moderator
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Away

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I don't like scripts with bags of money in them. Not unless Danny Boyle is directing.

Strippers are absolute filth? Have you not seen half the internet? Strippers are mild compared to the stuff they even show on cable. Are you a monk?

I didn't like this. The French business is badly done. Even Inspector Clouseau, played by Steve Martin, would baulk.

I think it's meant to be funny. It wasn't.

R


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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 5:41am Report to Moderator
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Really bizarre... this had to have been written in one frenzied rush.

Some interesting imagery - the cave scene with the giant moth in particular - but not really any story to follow. It just gleefully bounced from crazy sketch of an idea to crazy sketch of an idea. Lots of confusing errors, for instance Jimmy gives the money to an old, frail woman but later there's a reference to his grandfather?

Also Cozco's dialogue flat-out confused me, seemed to flick from cartoon 'o la la' Frenchman caricature to more normal American 'hitman' caricature and back in the same dialogue block. That too felt like not a lot of thought had gone into it.

Not much more to say, really, as I feel this may have taken longer to read and comment on than it did to write! But it was entertaining in a strange, trippy sort of way. Not lack of imagination, that's for sure!


Guess who's back? Back again?
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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well the title and longline are different. lets see..

with my basic french iw as tying to work out what it meant in advance - i don't know coco?

their eight dozen layers of makeup. - probable more than required
This is absolute filth. - can think of worse!!
all eyes on the man and he talks freely?
HOLDEN CAULFIELD - who?
still gun shots even thought he's in a hospital now?

FRENCHMAN COZCO
I suppose it neva’ really getz
eazier. My mother used to take us to the carnival every fall, the smile she had on her face those nights. We never came from a rich family, but what she did for us was important, and I think I neglected that more than anything. When the doctors diagnosed her with cancer, I couldn’t help but cry. Namely because the doctor was a literal elephant but it was just the fact it took me that long to understand that yes, she existed and that no, maybe I was a bad son. Money’s hard to come by these parts, that’s the sad part about it. Poor fuckin’ mammy, Jimmy. If I could give her my life to have her get some chemo, you wouldn’t be alive right now. I could’ve stolen the money for the chemo but is that who I wanna’ be? Is that what I want the world to remember Costco as?

thats one very long dialogue ...too long

i have to zay, that ze words were harder to read for the accent

story wise lacks direction and connectivity for me. who was i routing for?


My scripts  HERE

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Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 9:20am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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WOW! WTF?  Really?

2 reads, and 2 pissers in a row.  I thought the plan was to write serious horror?

Well, as a pisser, it's quite funny and completely whacky.  The writing is awful as well, but what more would you want in a big old squirt of urine?  Same with the nonsencial dialogue that switches between some form of French, cliche hitman, and downright nonsense.

As a pisser, well done!

As a serious entry, Cowboy Sam awful.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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rendevous
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Is Cowboy Sam a friend of yours or something? As the rest of us have no real idea what you mean by that,

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Quoted from Dreamscale


As a serious entry, Cowboy Sam awful.


i was reminded of Madam Putz - don't recall what script that was, but the frenchman made me think of it

I don't want to knock the writer more, if they want more feedback then PM me. Some feedback can be hard to take.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Last Fountain
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hallucinatory. Bizarre dark comedy. Light on horror.

an uneven entry weighed down by confusion. While the parameters were met I wonder if Jimmy would be the better option to speak. The deaf thing was weak. Maybe the hitman speaks french but is never understood. That could excuse 2 speakers. Since hitman dialogue wouldn't be written. An idea.

liked the CATCHER IN THE RYE reference describing Jimmy as Holden Caulfield, but I wish this was better reflected. Disaffected youth searching for identity would have been more compelling than hookers and french hitmen. I liked the idea of horsemen of the apocalypse. The Knights would be a strong visual, and I suppose, the source of horror... like a school shooting. It would have been interesting to explore a loner during a school shooting, by possessed students infected by demons from a portal. These are just suggestions right. For me, the comedy didn't work, so I would consider shifting focus to school shooting.

Maybe there are too many separate ideas here to juggle successfully. ** (out of 5)


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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Revision History (1 edits)
Last Fountain  -  October 25th, 2014, 8:38pm
just added a star rating
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pale yellow
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Good on you for starting with strippers but I had to read this line again....wrinkles caked under their eight dozen layers of makeup. I could not visualize that and still not sure what it means.

Not sure you need the second slug so fast INT. STRIP CLUB - BAR - CONTINUOUS
Because the camera has not changed locations.

And he does all that to the Bartender??? And no one does anything but stare at the man? Hmmmmm

Maybe it is just me, but the Frenchman's dialogue (sometimes French sometimes English) was annoying and slows the read for me.

Madam Putz ..that would be from COWBOY SAM and this script does remind me a bit of the infamous CS script.

Good job completing an owc...this one didn't do it for me.


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dead by dawn
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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I find that strip joints are described the same way, all of the time.  It's always girls with layers of make-up and middle-aged men drooling over them.  Then the writer feels the need to add a side note like, "This is absolute filth."  The line's a waste as we kind of get the picture, anyway.  And it felt too "movie like".  I'm sure there are places like that, but there are also places where the strippers are genuinely hot and their crowd consists of kids in their twenties, getting drunk and looking to have a good time.  Try to rip away from familiarities in movies and stop describing old men checking out busted chicks.

I stopped reading at page 3.  The random sex scene screams pisser and I'm not going to waste my time.
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