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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Je Me Sais Pas, Cozco - OWC
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  Author    Je Me Sais Pas, Cozco - OWC  (currently 4969 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2014, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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Je Me Sais Pas, Cozco by Avant Garde - Short, Horror - After having his money stolen, a high schooler finds solace in an idiopathic Frenchman from another world who may or may not be a hitman. (R ) - pdf, format


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
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At its best, there's some really good writing and surreal moments. I took that away from it. A few things that were head scratchers for me was that random sex scene - still super funny - but wtf? Breakdancing - hahaha!

Frenchman Cozco's dialogue stood out, I mean it's different for sure, but how it flows and then changes dynamic...  It's just insane. In a good way. I also chucked at that bizarre silent exchange between Jimmy and the principal. Like I said, good writer here - got carried away. Littered with typos.

I liked it, and I have no idea why. Guilty pleasure I guess.
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LC
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 2:59am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, really not sure what to make of this.

The title is spelled incorrectly je ne sais pas with an 'n' - even though I only got up to high school French - so that makes me wonder... and there is lots more of that going around throughout.

Lots of 'telling' instead of 'showing' as well.

Presumably (unless Don is uploading them randomly, and not in order) this was submitted early so there would have been quite a lot of time to fix a lot of the errors..

'electoads' - !! - for example.

And some really odd phrasings.  

Some mildly (Joe Pesci) comedic moments which I'm not sure would translate to screen, but funny to read.

Including: This is no time to think of la boobies!

And some surreal moments -

Namely because the doctor was a literal
elephant


If I could give her
my life to have her get some chemo,
you wouldn’t be alive right now.


That doesn't even make sense, I'm afraid.

At least your guy upgraded to a $3 hooker - that Two-dollar one was probably rubbish.  

A unique entry.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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Pisser from Jeff?
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Dustin
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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Code

splattered


You mention this or splatters four times on page 2. It really stands out.

Code

The people
are dressed differently.


In what manner are they dressed differently?

Code

FRENCHMAN COZCO
I suppose it neva’ really getz
eazier. My mother used to take us
to the carnival every fall, the
smile she had on her face those
nights. We never came from a rich
family, but what she did for us was
important, and I think I neglected
that more than anything. When the
doctors diagnosed her with cancer,
I couldn’t help but cry. Namely
because the doctor was a literal
elephant but it was just the fact
it took me that long to understand
that yes, she existed and that no,
maybe I was a bad son. Money’s hard
to come by these parts, that’s the
sad part about it. Poor fuckin’
mammy, Jimmy. If I could give her
my life to have her get some chemo,
you wouldn’t be alive right now. I
could’ve stolen the money for the
chemo but is that who I wanna’ be?
Is that what I want the world to
remember Costco as?


I skipped the lot.

I hate to say it, but... what the fuck? I couldn't get to the end.


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Dustin
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 3:19am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Pisser from Jeff?


He never writes pissers, he just says that afterwards when it doesn't go down as well as he dreamed it would.


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rendevous
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 4:19am Report to Moderator
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I don't like scripts with bags of money in them. Not unless Danny Boyle is directing.

Strippers are absolute filth? Have you not seen half the internet? Strippers are mild compared to the stuff they even show on cable. Are you a monk?

I didn't like this. The French business is badly done. Even Inspector Clouseau, played by Steve Martin, would baulk.

I think it's meant to be funny. It wasn't.

R


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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 5:41am Report to Moderator
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Really bizarre... this had to have been written in one frenzied rush.

Some interesting imagery - the cave scene with the giant moth in particular - but not really any story to follow. It just gleefully bounced from crazy sketch of an idea to crazy sketch of an idea. Lots of confusing errors, for instance Jimmy gives the money to an old, frail woman but later there's a reference to his grandfather?

Also Cozco's dialogue flat-out confused me, seemed to flick from cartoon 'o la la' Frenchman caricature to more normal American 'hitman' caricature and back in the same dialogue block. That too felt like not a lot of thought had gone into it.

Not much more to say, really, as I feel this may have taken longer to read and comment on than it did to write! But it was entertaining in a strange, trippy sort of way. Not lack of imagination, that's for sure!


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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well the title and longline are different. lets see..

with my basic french iw as tying to work out what it meant in advance - i don't know coco?

their eight dozen layers of makeup. - probable more than required
This is absolute filth. - can think of worse!!
all eyes on the man and he talks freely?
HOLDEN CAULFIELD - who?
still gun shots even thought he's in a hospital now?

FRENCHMAN COZCO
I suppose it neva’ really getz
eazier. My mother used to take us to the carnival every fall, the smile she had on her face those nights. We never came from a rich family, but what she did for us was important, and I think I neglected that more than anything. When the doctors diagnosed her with cancer, I couldn’t help but cry. Namely because the doctor was a literal elephant but it was just the fact it took me that long to understand that yes, she existed and that no, maybe I was a bad son. Money’s hard to come by these parts, that’s the sad part about it. Poor fuckin’ mammy, Jimmy. If I could give her my life to have her get some chemo, you wouldn’t be alive right now. I could’ve stolen the money for the chemo but is that who I wanna’ be? Is that what I want the world to remember Costco as?

thats one very long dialogue ...too long

i have to zay, that ze words were harder to read for the accent

story wise lacks direction and connectivity for me. who was i routing for?


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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WOW! WTF?  Really?

2 reads, and 2 pissers in a row.  I thought the plan was to write serious horror?

Well, as a pisser, it's quite funny and completely whacky.  The writing is awful as well, but what more would you want in a big old squirt of urine?  Same with the nonsencial dialogue that switches between some form of French, cliche hitman, and downright nonsense.

As a pisser, well done!

As a serious entry, Cowboy Sam awful.


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rendevous
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Is Cowboy Sam a friend of yours or something? As the rest of us have no real idea what you mean by that,

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Quoted from Dreamscale


As a serious entry, Cowboy Sam awful.


i was reminded of Madam Putz - don't recall what script that was, but the frenchman made me think of it

I don't want to knock the writer more, if they want more feedback then PM me. Some feedback can be hard to take.


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Last Fountain
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Hallucinatory. Bizarre dark comedy. Light on horror.

an uneven entry weighed down by confusion. While the parameters were met I wonder if Jimmy would be the better option to speak. The deaf thing was weak. Maybe the hitman speaks french but is never understood. That could excuse 2 speakers. Since hitman dialogue wouldn't be written. An idea.

liked the CATCHER IN THE RYE reference describing Jimmy as Holden Caulfield, but I wish this was better reflected. Disaffected youth searching for identity would have been more compelling than hookers and french hitmen. I liked the idea of horsemen of the apocalypse. The Knights would be a strong visual, and I suppose, the source of horror... like a school shooting. It would have been interesting to explore a loner during a school shooting, by possessed students infected by demons from a portal. These are just suggestions right. For me, the comedy didn't work, so I would consider shifting focus to school shooting.

Maybe there are too many separate ideas here to juggle successfully. ** (out of 5)


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
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pale yellow
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Good on you for starting with strippers but I had to read this line again....wrinkles caked under their eight dozen layers of makeup. I could not visualize that and still not sure what it means.

Not sure you need the second slug so fast INT. STRIP CLUB - BAR - CONTINUOUS
Because the camera has not changed locations.

And he does all that to the Bartender??? And no one does anything but stare at the man? Hmmmmm

Maybe it is just me, but the Frenchman's dialogue (sometimes French sometimes English) was annoying and slows the read for me.

Madam Putz ..that would be from COWBOY SAM and this script does remind me a bit of the infamous CS script.

Good job completing an owc...this one didn't do it for me.


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dead by dawn
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I find that strip joints are described the same way, all of the time.  It's always girls with layers of make-up and middle-aged men drooling over them.  Then the writer feels the need to add a side note like, "This is absolute filth."  The line's a waste as we kind of get the picture, anyway.  And it felt too "movie like".  I'm sure there are places like that, but there are also places where the strippers are genuinely hot and their crowd consists of kids in their twenties, getting drunk and looking to have a good time.  Try to rip away from familiarities in movies and stop describing old men checking out busted chicks.

I stopped reading at page 3.  The random sex scene screams pisser and I'm not going to waste my time.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dead by dawn
I stopped reading at page 3.  The random sex scene screams pisser and I'm not going to waste my time.


Oh, but you have no idea what you're missing...a "beheamoth moth" in a cave witha a black knight, crazy dialogue, insane situations, and yes...a classic, and CLASS A pisser.

Please read on, Steverino.



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Stumpzian
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I'm new. Somebody explain "pisser" to me.

I've read this thing twice. STILL not ready to comment.



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JonnyBoy
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Quoted from Stumpzian
I'm new. Somebody explain "pisser" to me.

I've read this thing twice. STILL not ready to comment.


A usually poor entry someone tries to explain away as being a deliberate, determined attempt to not follow the criteria and spirit of the challenge.


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LC
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Stumpzian
I'm new. Somebody explain "pisser" to me. I've read this thing twice. STILL not ready to comment.


Hey Henry.

A 'pisser' or as we Aussies call it - 'pisstake' is an entry that has been written as a deliberate mockery, spoof, send-up - it's generally over the top with errors or attempted comedy, outlandish plot etc.

- And, what Jonny said.






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Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Stumpzian
I'm new. Somebody explain "pisser" to me.


See any of Stevie's scripts to find out exaclty what taking the piss really means.





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Stumpzian
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Thanks, Jonnyboy, LC, Dreamscale.



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Stumpzian
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OK, the Frenchman Cozco ( or Costco sometimes, like the Price Club?) "accidentally" sticks his finger in his nose, flicks a "booger" at the Moth, which staggers around like a rabid baboon, and awakens the Black night ( no K, and not the Brown Knight named elsewhere), which breaks his arm, loses his horse ( I may have this wrong), and kills the Moth.

I kind of liked the long monologue at the tombstone, though it didn't make sense.

Now that I know what a pisstake is, I'm thinking  this is one. Well done, but a pisser.




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Stumpzian  -  October 25th, 2014, 9:06pm
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khamanna
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You totally lost me on p5 when said "The same backpack Jimmie gave to his grandfather... He stole his money..." - who stole whose money here?
I know Jimmie was with this backback from the very beginning. He was at school with it. The hitman tried to kill him... - I liked the beginning. It was about someone trying to do something. Then Jimmie visits an old lady - don't know who it is, Jimmie might be from the otherworld in other time dimension or something. He kisses the old lady, leaves the backpack.

After that the story got lost to me.
Jimmie tackles the man in black and  the frenchman suddenly says "you're thinking of the pussi?". --why?
On p6 the Frenchman looses his accent. There's a long monologue on that page and I wish you found a way to split it into short parts.
I don't know why Jimmy stole the money and why the Frenchman suddenly wants to help Jimmy.
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stevemiles
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Different -- but ultimately a struggle to follow.

Had a few notes going for this one -- and though I made it through the sudden ‘full fledged break dance’ I had to give up with the appearance of the moth.  I have literally no idea what’s going on and there’s a beer in the fridge that ain’t getting any colder.  The Old and FRAIL WOMAN in the hospital (presumably his Grandmother?) later referenced as his Grandfather had me wondering if you were making this up in the fly?

Sorry, but it’s late here, there’s a lot of these to get through and this one is just too unashamedly out there for me.


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wonkavite
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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This one - definitely not for me.

The good points: obviously written by someone who *can* write.  There are some asides and turns of phrase that are very good here.

The bad:

First of all, extremely confusing.  I'm not sure if there was an allegory behind it that made sense; but if there was I missed it.  (Which could be my failure.  When I go back and look at other comments, I'll see if anyone else picked up on anything.)

On top of that - there's a crude, juvenile sensibility to some of this that I honestly found downright offensive.  For instance, the description of the Frenchman with the hooker.  Unnecessarily crude and offputting.  And that's coming from someone who has no reservations to putting sexual deviance (where appropriate) into my writing.

So... no.  Not for me.

Added note: just scanned the other comments.  I tend to agree, this is probably a pisser.
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Gum
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This was funny at times, then confusing, then VERY funny, then... very confusing. I'm guessing the foreign language didn't help either, the extent of my French comes from reading mandatory French on product packaging... but I get the gist of what was transpiring.

I can't even fathom what a 3 dollar hooker would look like, let alone a two dollar...

FRENCHMAN COZCO'S name changed about three times in the beginning, so I was thinking it violated the rules of the theme, but after another read I guess it comes through. This dude was funny to me because I immediately saw Ricky Bobby's nemesis, Jean Girard...

"Just say you like really thin pancakes... why do you want me to break your arm so badly?"

Entertaining, however, I'm really not sure what transpired. Some type of switcheroo/ retribution, followed by some form of despair?  Think I'm way off...
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Don
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS


This is very, very strange.

Inconsistencies:  In the hospital, Jimmy leaves the money with his Grandmother. Page 5 it is his Grandfather.

This is whacked out avant-garde weird.  I'm not sure if I get it or if I like it.  

I am going to have to come back to this again.


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nawazm11
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Okay, I have to be honest here, like fully honest, this was the first script I read but I was left baffled and decided not to comment. I think I've finally gotten my thoughts in order.

A lot of strange stuff going on, and I mean a lot. I want to say this is a pisser, but there's a part of me that thinks it isn't,  in fact, this might be that script that Jeff said he rushed through.

We start off with "I azked for another drink two minutes ageu" which really sets off the tone well, I mean, maybe I'm one of few who finds it distracting and laughable when writers try to force foreign accents into scripts. And I mean, the French is hilarious too. Despite the mistake in the title, which I'm fairly certain was on purpose, it seems like the writer went into a lot of trouble to find exact and real quotes. I tried injecting a few of them into Google translate, and the grammar was screwed up, which usually means it's proper actual French... So why put so much effort into trying to perfect the French but leave careless typos, mistakes, the like in there?

A few examples which I found hilarious, all being taken from Google translate by the way, so I doubt this is what you meant. Maybe a proper French speaker could tell us what they actually mean?

"Oui, tenancier du ba!" = "Yes, the keeper of the bar"
"Salut ... Je ne comprends pas ... Pas terrible" = "Hi ... I do not understand ...
not terrible" (awfully nice for a hitman)
"Putain de merde! Putain de merde!" = "Holy shit ! Holy shit !" (although looking into it, it seems to actually mean "Fuck you, whore! Fuck you, whore!", rightttttttt...)
"Quelle imb�cile! Connasse d'Am�ricaine! = "What an idiot! motherfucker of d'Am�ricaine !" (Guess the writer is from the US)
"Va te faire foutre, you dumb Medieval pig!" = "Fuck you , you dumb Medieval pig !"
"Tu preferais pas baiser un cadavre?" = "You would rather not kiss a corpse?" (this one made me actively search it out, and it seems to really mean "Do you want to have sex with a cadaver instead?")

And finally, my personal favourite. "Va te faire enculer, encul� de merde!" = "Fuck you
fuck , fucking shit!"

Firstly, you call ahem, the hospital patient Jimmy's grandmother, then it turns into his grandfather, and then it turns into his mother at the end, and I think somewhere in there you say he's a father or brother or something.

You call the Frenchman Cozco, but then you start calling him Costco, like the store? I don't even think Cozco is a name.

I really don't know what to say, except, like Jonny, the fact that this review probably took longer to write than the actual script. I don't think it's a pisser, but I feel a kind of pity for the person who wrote this, "Poor fuckin' mammy".

Oh, and like Rick, I'm getting huge "Ricky Boobie" vibes here, the writer is definitely a fan of Jean Girard.
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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My favorite character here is easily the Behemoth Moth.  I was rooting for it the entire way through, and saddened when the booger caused his downfall.  I sure didn't see that coming.


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Quoted from Dreamybales
I was rooting for it the entire way through, and saddened when the booger caused his downfall.  I sure didn't see that coming.


What, even when you were typing it?

R


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rendevous
What, even when you were typing it?R


No, just a few seconds before I typed it, but thanks for asking.  



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SPOILERS

As a script this is a series of hurdles, but on film it could be exciting, funny and a cult classic.

Surreal, sure.  The grandmother / grandfather, brown knight / black knight etc.  make a venue of infinite possibilities.  Think how difficult it would be to make a phone call in such a venue, even if you got a dial tone you wouldn't know for sure what it meant.  

Jimmy being deaf works for the story, when he rolls his eyes at Cozco's inability to follow Jimmy's pointing finger to danger galloping towards them, there's a "you see what I have to deal with? welcome to my world" sadness in his weariness.  

Cozco accepting his role as the knight is a good ending, good weariness in his sadness.
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bert
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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I am not even sure this one is for real.

Not only is it confusing, but it reads as if the author is not a native speaker of English or French -- which makes for a truly surreal stew of random oddities.

The biggest objection you will get from me is the Holden Caulfield name-check.  It is completely unjustifiable in this context.  It adds no literary credibility, it is just lazy and unearned.  Sorry to be harsh, but that book is one of my darlings, and you lost me then and there -- although I did read the entire script.

My apologies to this author, but having read several of the competing scripts, I can find nothing here to recommend this piece.

To find Jeff actually praising this one feels very disingenuous.  I will be quite disappointed if you turn out to be the author, bro.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  November 2nd, 2014, 2:01pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
To find Jeff actually praising this one feels very disingenuous.  I will be quite disappointed if you turn out to be the author, bro.


Only praising it as the pisser I hope it is...but if I am the auther, I'd already know if it's a pisser...I think.  



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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MattD
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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Something about the "This is absolute filth" line actually bothered me. I sorta took offense as a reader, like, "don't tell me how to feel about these people and what they're doing." I've never experienced that before reading anything else. I see a lot of people calling this a "pisser" and I'd imagine that would suck to see if this was something you meant to be taken seriously but I definitely got the feeling reading this that it was intentionally non-horror. As far as the story itself goes, I got lost or zoned out after a while because of the French accent stuff. The way it's written requires a lot of slowing down how fast you read because of the awkward phonetic pronunciation stuff. I'm probably going to come back to this one because there may be something great here that I'm not catching on a first read.
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Dustin
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 2:16am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MattD
I'm probably going to come back to this one because there may be something great here that I'm not catching on a first read.


Nope... it's just a pile of shite.


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Kyle
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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What the fuck did I just read?. The writing itself seemed decent, but I had to bail at page 4 for my sanity’s sake.
I must admit  - Jimmy stands at the edge, gazes down. A tear rolls down his cheek, which suddenly turns into a full fledge break dance. - made my day. But I couldn't bare much more.
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EWall433
Posted: November 4th, 2014, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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“He points at his watch, mentioning the time.” I think you’d want ‘indicating’, otherwise it’s dialogue.

“He gestures to the bag. Mouths ‘open the bag right now, please’.” I get that it’s the criteria doing this, but it reads like he goes to pantomime school.

“A tear rolls down his cheek, which suddenly turns into a full fledge break dance.” Uh... okay. Lowering expectations… now.

You’ve got two people speaking and a crying break dance. Should I read on?

“When the doctors diagnosed her with cancer, I couldn’t help but cry. Namely because the doctor was a literal elephant but it was just-”

Alright, with that shoved into an immense dialogue paragraph I’m calling this a pisser and moving on. On the off chance that this was serious effort, all I have to say is…

how?
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RayW
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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20.  Je Me Sais Pas, Cozco by Avant Garde - After having his money stolen, a high schooler finds solace in an idiopathic Frenchman from another world who may or may not be a hitman.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With  a title like… THAT I’m thinking foreign film with some subtitles would be good. Fortunately, I’m pretty kosher with subtitles; prefer to watch english-speaking films with subtitles, in fact.
Language handled fine, but that opening sequence has some serious WTF-ery going on with it.  A man with a ski mask in a public place other than a ski slope? O… kay.
I’m chuckling at the preposterousness of that sign on Jimmy’s locker.
Seriously?! The French hitman from the bar has come to nail the Principal? Okay. I’ll go with it.
Night club flashback: HFS + WTF?
Breakdance, eh? Pisser.
“Oh, zhit! You’re la deaf?” Yeats?
Black knight. Head on sword. Pisser.
“ I can do a Joe Pesci impression!” Yeaaaah… It’s all courtesy to continue watching after this point.
“They’re guarded by a LARGE BEHEMOTH-like MOTH.”  Yeaaaah. FU2.
Alright, congratulations. This was the first “film” I turned off before finishing.
Pretty disappointing, really.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- None. Silk purses and sows ears.



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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 8th, 2014, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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JE ME SAIS PAS, COZCO

Hello,

Needed to sleep over this.

Okay, I thought the Frenchman, with his ski mask, making trouble in a strip club is an interesting start.

The school-scene was understandable too.

But then I couldn't follow anymore. When Jimmy joined the otherworld, I had a lot of problems with your pictures. There are people which look like people, but different anyhow, and also animals talking to each other. Okay. Then the knight came and I don't know if he's flying on his horse... The cave scene?

The dialogue was partly funny. I don't know why Cozco partly spoke English then changed to his broken way of speaking.

Anyhow:
The increasing regularity of deficits here make me think if you aimed to write a script which content tries solely to work for imperfection; plot holes, character's which go out of line...
If so, I would have liked to see this whole illogical plot with clear pictures. If it's not the case, there's not much existent finally. The approach of showing nonsense is interesting, but should have been done better with regards to the visuals imo.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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