Shamed by Koutius Vomitus - Short, Horror - Two deceased, former high school students embarrassed by the school bully when alive seek revenge on Halloween night. (NC17 ) - pdf, format

Shamed...

dead kids come back for vengeance. seems a sound basis.

...in both hands and hands one to her...   lots of hands

alas you don't have many pages to play with but i like the bullied and suicide option. one thing against it thought is that if they were close, they would have each other. isolation is often a trigger

nick and libby arriving is a little blunt and owen could be described as one dimensional

vomiting zombie/ghosts - perhaps seen before

i liked the janitor ending


overall i would say this needed a little more dimension. owen is a bully. the kids kill themselves. them they torment him easily, without any issue. and he runs off, just happens to find himself in the toilet of the school.

if they don't mean to hurt him, just belittle, then the other violence and images are a little off key

the concept is sound, it just needs a few revisions, for my taste anyway. For example owen could cause them to split up - perhaps faked horrible words from both of them - leading to their suicides.

then the script could be the two come back. can they get together again, and torment owen in one night - thats complication. just a thought

cheers

Good work aside from a few moments where Owen talks to himself that could be scrapped.

The actual reason for the bullying feels a bit minuscule to end up with a double-suicide. That part of the script seems underplayed, I think it could benefit from them being caught doing something a bit more kinky and out there or a bigger effect as in... that picture popping up in the internet/sent to their parents or something like that.

Good stuff with the Mexican janitor. I like the route that was taken with the ending instead of going the usual route.

I think I can guess the writer here. EDIT: I'll actually leave my deductions for later!

Was a good effort, let down by the unbelievability of it.

There was a film called Disconnect where some kids got a lad to send naked pictures of himself across the internet by pretending they were a hot girl in his school, and that led to his attempted suicide. That was believable as he was lonely and the whole school was laughing at him.

Here Libby has a loving boyfriend. Whilst the situation is embarrassing. It doesn't play out as motivation for a suicide.

This is compounded by Nick killing himself.

The fact they killed themselves also undermines the revenge aspect of the story in the second half.

That being said...the ending was very good. Nice and poetic.


Rick

Sad story. I felt really bad for Libby. When she walked away from her parents...I knew what was coming. Painful.  I think the whole beginning with Libby and Nick could be trimmed. I felt like you were over explaining how much in love they were.

I really liked the revenge part. Not sure why you had to have Libby give Nick a Zombie BJ, but okay.

I think you did a good job on this challenge. I really liked the story. For me, the biggest issue was the writing itself. It could use a little work. Here are just a few examples but these issues run throughout the whole story making for a difficult read.

Repetition:

Loud music  
Crowds of teens
kids are loud
house is crowded with teens.
*try different adjectives:  Music blares. There's a party inside. Rowdy, intoxicated teens spill onto the front lawn.

Trim:

LIBBY (17, skinny, black hair tied in a ponytail and wearing thick glasses) and her boyfriend, NICK (17, spiked blond hair, weedy) are standing by the staircase.

LIBBY (17) skinny, thick glasses and black hair tied in a ponytail, stands by the stairs with her boyfriend, NICK (17), spiked blond hair, weedy.

Cut out unnecessary words:

--They hold each others hands / They hold hands
--Nick and Libby sit on the bed kissing each otherpassionately./On the bed, Nick and Libby kiss passionately.

Smoother writing: Watch sentence structure, repetition, unnecessary words, over description and too many "ings"

The school Janitor appears at the doorway holding a mop. (Mop in hand, the Janitor appears at the door.)

He looks down at Owen, sitting in a puddle of his own urine and his eyes raw from crying.

(He looks at Owen who sits in a puddle of his own urine, his eyes raw from crying,)

The janitor lets out a little chuckle, takes his phone from his pocket, takes a quick snap and continues mopping.

(The Janitor chuckles, takes out his phone and snaps a picture then continues to mop.)

Not bad, but it seemed to me that at age 17 Nick and Libby wouldn't be the first to be found in that situation. To be bullied for something like that at a party where other teens are drinking and such, seems a bit severe. Same thing goes for the suicides. A bit extreme reaction to being teased, IMO. For this to work, the bullying needs to be on the same severity level as their suicides.

Great ending though with the janitor.

*spoilers*

Looks like we got an intense little game of cat-and-mouse going on here. There were a few scenes that didn't seem to fit (bored drinking, holding hands afterwards), but it all makes sense later. The end reminded me of Elm St.

Good choice to leave Nick and Libby's crossover unprovoked. Their appearance didn't need any oujia board stuff. The lesson - or theme - here stands out. It's a really geniune approach too. The sucides seemed a bit reactionary, but could be believable, taking drastic measures for how they feel. But the holding hands after they got embarassed didn't fit a their choice to die. There would've been some conflict there between the two - Libby should've felt it the most since she was first to go.

Quick rant. About all of these tears rolling down folks cheeks - sometimes it pulls punches instead of delivering them. I can get onboard with it if the scene demands a good cry, but it can dilute it just as fast IMO.

Good job on this. It was heartfelt while still mixing some shocking (and sexual) stuff. Justice was served on its own terms.

Of course the janitor is Mexican!

Maybe a few years ago I would have said the suicides were corny but it seems these days that kids are always killing themselves whenever they are bullied/too humiliated to face their classmates.  So it was believable.

Some cool, whacky, crazy parts, but "Shamed" felt like it was missing something.

Notes as I go...

"HAPPY NEW YEAR" signs hang from the walls. If you have the SUPER you don't need to re-establish the time IMO.

Could just be me but by page three I"m thinking you could have gotten through this in a page or two...where is the tone?? Fantasy? Horror? I know it's coming but you could have started with the snapping pic of the cock sucking then gotten to the story faster IMO.

I understand bullying and the emotional shit it causes to people...but I am having a hard time finding that both teens would kill themselves over this. Most guys would be proud of it....yeah a girl would be embarrassed...worried about her tarnished reputation...Another thing, without dialogue it is really hard and I do not think you could show us well enough the trauma the situation caused, it is like we see them happy then killing themselves.

OMG oral ghost sex, gray vomit, these two are creepy ghosts for sure ....I do like the way this one ended...we all wanted revenge for sure...and the pace picked up good near the end also. Good job.

It doesn't seem likely these two  would  kill themselves over this, or that their classmates would even treat them this way.
Nor does it seem believable  these two shy types would have sex at a big party at all, not to mention  not lock the door. Weren't they the least bit scared of someone walking in?
And when Owen does walk in, you'd think she'd immediately jump up and cover. Instead, he has time to "snap a few pictures" and other kids have time to gather at the door. Only then does she "scamper" up.

“Crowds of teens”

I got this feeling that the house is crowded with teens.

“The house is crowded with teens.”

There we go… you’ve confirmed it for me.

Watch out for repetitiveness in your prose. It’s happening a lot early on. The writing is a little clumsy at the moment, possibly a late entry.

At least finish your drinks before going upstairs… I wonder why they didn’t do this earlier rather than standing in exactly the same place doing nothing.

Yes! Go for it Nicky boy. We have a top off already and we’re only halfway through the first page. I like where this story is going.

What!? That pesky Owen. Ruined it for all of us. >

Good job with Owen. I hate him already.

Oh shit… Nick and Libby took the whole thing pretty hard. I don’t know if I believe they would take their lives over that incident – seems trivial really, but bullying at school is an issue of today’s society and it can happen. What’s actually worse for me now is this means Owen, as the only person with dialogue becomes our protag I’m guessing. Will it work?

“Douche-bags.” He’s one to talk… he’s the biggest douche of them and I repeat, you’ve done a good job of making me hate his guts.

Are Nick and Libby ghosts or zombies? The black teeth has me thinking the latter – needs some clarity me thinks.

How many times has Owen been up and down the stairs? It does get a little tiresome.

A continuous stream of dark grey vomit projects from her mouth. You sure it was vomit?

Why does Owen run to the school? It’s night and the school would be closed. Again, in these situations, you have to wonder why he doesn’t pull out his phone and call someone. Possibly his jock friends from before.

A lot of “walking towards” going on at the moment.

Like the janitor taking his picture at the end.

Making Owen, the unlikeable dick, the main character was a bold choice and I don’t think it worked if I’m honest. What made it worse was that he didn’t really get his comeuppance. Well he did, but I wanted it to be more gruesome and harrowing like Libby biting his dick off or something.

A little confused about Nick and Libby – so a doorway opens and they’re allowed back into the world to torment Owen. They wasn’t bad people so I’m wondering why or who would allow such a thing, and the fact that all they did was actually cut themselves and walk around a lot holding hands made them a less scary than they should be.

At the end of it all, this didn’t really grip me as it was pretty obvious where it was going, and the whole story had a repetitive feel to it which made it tiresome. Owen runs/sprints away as Nick and Libby walk after him holding hands.

This story could do with a twist or a spin on the theme. What if Nick and Libby kill Owen in revenge and it’s him who comes back from the dead with a vendetta. It would probably work out the same way but we more likely to root for Libby and Nick as it reaches its conclusion.

The writing was a little clumsy at times and could do with a tidy up in places – maybe a last minute entry, meaning no time to edit.

Code He takes a few pictures with his phone and almost immediately there’s a crowd at the door, pointing and laughing at Nick and Libby.

Why would they gather at the door like that taking pictures? Very strange behaviour from teenagers. At least these two had the decency to find a private place to do it, which is more than we bothered to do in my teens.

Code OWEN But you’re... you’re dead! Libby and Nick both break into wide toothy grins, showing off their blackened, decaying teeth and nod their heads.

I can't believe you've actually written this.

Code OWEN Why are you here?

Why would he ask?


There is quite a bit wrong technically with your writing. I'm not going to point out what as I'd rather read right through the story.

Usually when I see writing that is not up to standard, the story won't be too. That's very true of the first part of this story. How they kill themselves needs to be worked differently. The blowjob isn't cutting it for me. I can't see how anybody would get bullied because of that.

The ending though was quite good. Story needs some work.

Not one for me as it stands.

I don't usually bother reading loglines. Sadly, in this case I did. Kinda gave a bit too much away, unfortunately.

Writing needs tightening a bit. But it's not too bad. I liked the story. Took a few pages for the horror bit to creep in. Nevertheless, one of better ones, in me humble.

R

I agree with Ren that that logline gives too much away.

And, it feels really weird to read a script when one of the main characters has your own name - ugh. And she's dead!

'Why are you here' - that line didn't sit well with me mainly cause it seems too calm.

I really like the way you start on DEC 31 and flash forward to OCT 31 - works well within the plot

I think you made a mistake by having Libby giving him head (after they've come back from the dead) - that just seemed both gratuitous, and not in keeping with what her character would do - it was why she ended up where she did. It just seems at odds with the scene at bit further on when they are at the school too - the tears rolling down Libby's cheek. I expect it's you doing a kind of re-living scenario but I thought you could have done something a bit more imaginative than that. Jmh.

And 'scurries' seems too lighthearted a choice of word on p.8

Ooh, I don't like what you have the Janitor do at the end - the theme would then seem to be that everyone is just as bad as each other. I would have preferred if the Janitor didn't act according to the mob but was an individual 'type' - he didn't appear like this when he was washing down the wall. I don't know I think perhaps a lot of people will think that ending has some kind of synchronicity but I wasn't fond of it. Bit too predictable in a way too - and yet I'll contradict myself by saying it's quite plausible.

I like this script a lot. You did well with the challenge, however I would see it as straight horror. I didn't see any real fantasy elements.

I really liked this one.

It's a full story with a beginning middle and end, easy to follow. And I was quite invested when reading it.
It was interesting to see how it plays out and what the ending would be. I'm glad you didn't kill off Owen. The janitor scene in the beginning payed off nicely - very good ending.

I enoyed it quite a bit. Nice read.

Like how you used the Janitor and snapshot motif to bring this full circle -- fit the plot if perhaps not the reality.  Thought you did a good job in making us feel for Libby and Nick though the suicide felt too convenient; needs more tightening here, more of a push for them to take that route -- though that said it’s what you needed to kick-start the story.  I’m a little disappointed Owen never got his full comeuppance.

This is perhaps quite a good example of making a strange choice about who to give the only speaking role to. Having Owen take that on makes it HIS story - and yet surely it's Libby we care most about?

I too feel that having Libby in a loving relationship makes her suicide seem slightly less believable. I mean, ultimately she's your character, so who are we to say what she 'would' and 'wouldn't' do, but perhaps having her be a shy, lonely girl who's humilated that way could work better? I will say though, that the first three pages are good - especially when she comes home, the dread and inevitability is cranked right up.

But then...

Sorry to say, the whole second half of the script seems a bit strange to me. Again, it's that Owen suddenly comes centre-stage - we don't know much about this kid, we certainly don't care about this kid, so ultimately we (or at least, I) don't really care what happens to him. Also, the behaviour of the two ghosts / zombies / whatever is strange. The vomit, the walking hand in hand, the cutting of the cheek - what does it all mean? It's a bit like you reached into a barrel called Scary Things Ghosts Might Do and just wrote down whatever you pulled out, without any real reason or resonance behind any of them.

And then, after the vomit, oral sex (that was odd) and face carving, all that happens to Owen is he's... embarrassed. The photo is a nice echo of the opening, but the fact that just the Janitor is there to witness it makes it feel anticlimactic. An extra scene at the end where those photos have been blown-up to massive size and stuck around the school, and everyone points and laughs at Owen as he walks humiliated to his locker would at least deliver some justice. You chose to put the focus on this guy - so he needs a fitting ending.

Sorry, bit long there. I wasn't a huge fan of it, afraid to say. But on the plus side, the first half - the teen drama - is strong. It's when it goes Horror that the wheels come off for me. And probably more importantly, many others seemed to really enjoy it.

CARRIE vibe.  Good motives for revenge. Horror could be more fully realized.

It’s sad how Libby is ridiculed for normal teenage behaviour.  I hate Owen right away. Congrats on that. It’s hard to imagine Libby and her boyfriend not saying anything though. You think one of them would curse out Owen. Or other partiers at the door might talk. That said, I feel like you chose the best character to talk. We need Owen to come across as a prick and a bully for this story of revenge.

Not sure why Libby cries at the classroom door. I’m assuming she’s had enough bullying. This would be clarified if Libby cried as she is pelted by wads of crumpled paper, or something. For me, the nodding towards the door then a kiss and cry just didn’t flow. I also feel like this is when Nick would say something to calm her down.  It’s really hard to work around the challenge parameters though. I just mention it here because this is a more obvious situation for a character to speak.

SPOILERS AHEAD…

I wonder if you should aim for a ROMEO + JULIET moment here instead. Nick and Libby could take their lives together. This is a sad reality though. I’m glad you addressed it. Bullying is a serious issue that leads to suicide. True horror. I feel like you may have missed an opportunity to relay some of their thoughts via a left-behind note.

On another note, why begin on New Year’s? I feel like you want us to feel like it’s been months and months of torment. Makes sense. However, I would prefer to see that. Maybe a montage of various bullying episodes? Cliched? Sure. But you have limited space to brew this haunting tale. If it was, say a beginning of school party in September, then a few weeks will still have passed before Halloween. I’m behind the motivations here though. I can’t wait to see this zombified Bonny & Clyde exact their revenge. Trick r treat.

Owen’s a prick. So when he answers the door to the costumed kids he could just snatch away a bag of candy. Then slam the door. Maybe a little kid even flips him the bird, in retaliation. Just an idea. I think there should be a better excuse for Owen to notice Nick and Libby.

Maybe after he steals candy and slams door, he gets like 5 steps from the door when it rings again. “You’re not getting your candy back, you little pukes.” He empties the bag, to return it without candy. He opens the door, only to see Nick & Libby across the street. Staring. Haunting him. He closes door. And returns to his room. Where they are waiting for him, seated on his bed. Which by the way, was an awesome scare / creepy visual. This would only slightly alter the events, and also streamline them. I wasn’t a fan of the back and forth between his videogames and the door.

I love how Nick & Libby reply to Owen, with a grinning slow nod yes. Devilish fun. I would consider simply having him back up out of the door, and bolt for the exit to his house and into the streets. Maybe Nick & Libby appear at every turn during his escape. That would be spooky too.

I sense a touch of King’s CHRISTINE there with the car. Creepy. I like the idea of the photos in the trunk too. A cool mysterious element, as Owen is still alive, those must be some sort of psychic photos. The ghoulish blowjob at the tree would be nasty to watch too. Funny and scary and gross. I think Owen could have better dialogue here. Maybe he even apologizes, now that he’s scared shitless and fears for his life. I wonder if he should mention the photos? Like, “How does that happen to me? Please. Don’t do it. I don’t wanna die.” I’d like to see Owen as a weak coward here.

Ewww. I guess Libby doesn’t swallow. Sorry, dark humour there. That was some nasty puke that one ups the eruption from THE EXORCIST. It seems like you’re going for some comedy here. Maybe Owen can say something like that swallow comment? Or have that kid he stole candy from (in my suggested addition) laugh and point with his friends. That would creep me out - kids happy for murder.

I wonder if the revenge scenario could be better. I liked the parallel of seeing the live couple consoling and kissing in the hallway & the dead couple mirroring that. I have an idea for another parallel. Now this will sound gruesome. Libby forces Owen to imitate oral sex, performing it on a razor blade aimed from her pelvis, while Nick laughs and films the gory event on a camera – like the party in the beginning.

I like the slow stalking of the prey. It might not read scary, but I usually find these scenes much scarier on screen with music and atmosphere. I wonder if you could add a few more teleport-like jumps of the dead couple chasing Owen through the school. Make it hopeless for Owen. He can’t run. He has to own up to what he did, and maybe make amends. Yeah right. This is horror – he’s dead.

Or not. As is, the ending serves up some nice revenge with the humiliating photo of Owen who’s pissed himself. I think since this is horror you should serve it up. Kill this bastard. They returned from the grave only to make him tinkle. For me, I’d prefer you to crank that revenge up to 11.

Empathetic victims. Topical issue. Could use more emphasis on revenge & horror aspects.    *  *   (of 5)

SPOILERS

This creates a believable teenage world and maintains the tension unique to that world.
And the scenes where Owen looks backward in horror qualify as being in an otherworldly portal, in my opinion, so this succeeds admirably in those ways.

The scene where Libby's mother finds her hanging suffered from the mother having no dialogue, I think.  Otherwise, this story has a tidiness to it.  The predictable elements don't detract too much, I don't think, somehow a hellish predictability is acceptable in high school tales -- this is where the horror has real power; their little lost lives can be avenged by a cellphone photo.  Genuinely creepy!

Ah yes, a story of sweet revenge… now, I know I’ve seen another one of those kicking around here somewhere… hmm?

This had Tales from the Crypt written all over it, and that’s a good thing! I love that little freak show ghoul… “Cr-rrrrrappy Halloween!”

The ending could have had a little more edge thrown into, something like… I don’t know; death. How about that piece of sh!t Owen dies.

Also had had a message about bullying, which is OK, and a creative use of the theme put forth. Heart wrenching regarding the double suicide, I say, simply because that stuff actually happens on a daily basis with at risk youth.

Then there’s the bonus message of what goes around comes around, and Owen, I’m sure… is about to find out what that means.

SPOILERS

Your basic horror story.  Why do horror characters run into rooms with no exit?  I think something worse should have happened to Owen.  

*Spoilers*

This script does have potential.  The writing could do with a polish (for instance, it's far too thick on descriptives and could be cut down multiple pages with no ill effect to the plot or concept.) There's also a tendency to use passive verbs in this one - I'd recommend cutting doing on sentences like "JOE X IS sitting by the door" vs. Joe sits by the door.  You don't do it all the time, but it's enough that it's noticed.  But then, that's just a matter of practice.  No big.  Other phrases, like "Owen looks, terrifyingly, towards where the sound came from" and "visually terrified" feel awkward.  "But you're... you're dead!" - is very On the Nose.  Again, just an issue of polish and practice.

As written, I do find several issues with Shamed.  Owen and his pals are far too cliche, especially in regards to insulting the janitor.  I also can't imagine that Libby and Nick would get shamed in that particular way at school.. especially for what they were caught doing.  Heck, wouldn't that INCREASE their popularity?   And to react so drastically - by committing suicide.  It just doesn't seem like a large enough issue to warrant that. At all.

Once you get to the "haunting" part of the tale; it just seems to play out too long, with no real focus to Nick and Libby's ghostly actions (other than generally trying to scare Owen.)  I'd recommend cutting and slashing this section (no pun intended) and keeping only the essentials.  

FWIW: the twist at the end with the janitor was cute.  A fun cap to the story.

Cheers,

--J (W)

SHAMED

Hello,

I have mixed feelings. If it only ends with the janitor taking a picture of Owen wetting himself, it's not enough.

I also don't like Nick has a bleeding wound. If he's a living dead he shouldn't bleed. The visual of how the face of a dead person reacts to a slash wound would be scarier and more understandable in this situation.  

You start a bit slow, so Libby's suicide came very sudden and it finally reminded me of the genre.

I like the story ended in the school again. It was a nice cliché of the genre.

I can imagine Libby's mother screaming. The character's feelings made me think this script must be quite hard for the actors. A lot of opportunities to show up skills or ruin it on the other side.

The mobbing plot is too omnipresent to kick me out of my shoes.
I liked the balance. To give the dialogue to Owen was the right choice. How he provokes the janitor and all that... well, I would wish for the janitor to make something unexpected – you know, the ironic punch line is not strong and not a satisfying way to go out, too often I've seen that. Maybe, you let him take the picture and add something. Don't know what, perhaps a serious wtf-moment and not only a clever-meant ironic one as here. I enjoyed the script.

My assumption is that this is written by a "newish" writer, as well as a young writer - nothing wrong with that, but the writing and even the premise reflects this.

I'll be nice, but I'll also be honest.

The writing is not good and needs alot of work.  It's very sterile and long winded, showing lots of totally unnecessary things.  Your setup could easily be written in half the pages.

I'm very confused by the premise itself - Nick and Libby appear to be a couple.  They're at this party where everyone is drinking and making out.  They go to a room and she blows him.  What's the big deal?  I doubt they're the only ones doing this kind of thing here - in fact, IMO, not only is there no shame here, but actually the opposite - bragging rights.

So, I don't buy into the suicides.  I also don't buy into the cheesy dialogue coming from Owen when they show up at "his" house.

Where are his parents and if Owen is so cool, why is he home alone on Halloween?

But, I stuck with this and things get much better, IMO, and show real signs of a writer with a great imagination. It takes time to develop a voice and get all the little things down so your writing flows and your formatting doesn't get in the way.

Some nice little horror moments thrown in and a clever ending that comes full circle and shows real attention to detail, bringing the janitor back in and ending the way you did.

There are numerous little snaggles here and there and even the fact that morning hits as quickly as it does, is a little absurb, but you know what?  All in all, not badly done at all, and I'll actually give you a "consider".

Good work.

I’m just gonna jump right into the problems since they’ve already been pretty well identified. The shame, as it plays, doesn’t feel big enough to inspire double suicide. The entire school treating a couple in this fashion doesn’t seem realistic. And Owen’s comeuppance was weak compared to what he did.

In order to address this I'd isolate Libby. One way to do this is to place better emphasis on the video. There’s basically a porn of her posted online, which can be pretty devastating no matter the context of the relationship. Maybe give her some religious conservative parents who find out and bring the hammer down (unlike liberal parents, who are totally cool with their daughters sucking cock online). Then as written, once she decides it’s too much to take he’d be close behind.

Another path is to have Nick be Owen’s buddy. Nick likes Libby, but she’s a bit of an embarrassment. Maybe she’s nerdy, or has a reputation for sleeping around… something. Once they’re caught he distances himself and Libby commits suicide alone (and exercises revenge alone as well). This might give you the best of both worlds from a revenge perspective. Owen gets the gruesome end he deserves and Nick gets a somewhat tamer ‘lesson’. Or you can flip that. Maybe Nick deserves worse as he was the one who should’ve stuck by her.

Anyway, it’s a valid concept. Not badly done. I just think there are better options than what’s currently on the page.

Writer,

I really liked your ending! Owen = Big Pussy! This reminded me of a Creepshow type of story. It's pretty simplistic, doesn't make much sense, but it was fun.

The one thing that bothered me here was your writing style. It read simplistic. Meaning, it was a little prosey, but not in a good way. Writing effectively like that is tough to pull off. Had you more time this could do with a good cleaning up. You double up on some words in the same action block, and use the word "visually" a few times when explaining the look on someone's face. Those are more than just nitpicks, I feel, as something like that could take the reader out of the story and just say, Ehh! This guy doesn't know how to write." I think you do know how, but you need to tighten things up here alot for it to be effective.

However, your story read very clear. It was easy to follow, and that's more than I can say on a few other entries I've read. And it was fun with a good ending.  Good luck with this.

Steve

Same feelings and thought as other reviewers. I suggest upping the stakes for Nick and Libby, or certainly Libby. Maybe they have a disability that makes them/her emotionally vulnerable. So they get set up by Owen at the party.

A better angle is that Libby is a valedictorian type or a highly respected with her church and in the community. So her reputation is tarnished by the images-video going viral, leading to a prestigious university revoking its scholarship offer. Set up Libby as a perfectionist and whose parents expect her to go to an Ivy League university or such.
As for Owen, I guess he's still alive at the end, right? What if he's dead by the end and doesn't initially know it. He learns too late that his ghost will forever be haunted by those he tormented.  Just a thought.
The story as is seemed a little too simple. With some character development, I think it has a chance. Not a favorite, but kept me reading.

"Oh, come on Libby. Don’t stop now,
he wants to cum." lol

Man, the melodrama is definitely real! I could handle one suicide and bout of crying, but the second one is just cringey and feels so out of place.

"OWEN
But you’re... you’re dead!
Libby and Nick both break into wide toothy grins, showing
off their blackened, decaying teeth and nod their heads." lol

"Nick stands next to the tree. Libby performs oral sex on him
while he laughs maniacally, blood oozing from his exit
wound." Damn, I shouldn't be laughing but my sides can't handle this.

Why does he run into the toilet?

Well, this was a little strange. The story felt too thin for my liking, very very simplistic and been there, done that. I felt as if it was lacking any originality, anything that separates this from other similar films. Bully is a dick, screws up somebody's life, they come back to haunt him. In fact, the scares were so over-done that they came off hilarious to be honest. Kids smiling and laughing, and then also getting their willies sucked? Okay, I gotta say, that's a new one, but besides that, there wasn't much here. Which is a shame, since I thought the writing was pretty decent overall. Coops has a lot of good suggestions.

30.  Shamed by Koutius Vomitus - Two deceased, former high school students embarrassed by the school bully when alive seek revenge on Halloween night.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Shamed’ I’m expecting some shame to be a real motivating factor or effect of some actions of horrific proportion!
Opening sequence is… interesting, er… um…
Libby has excellent knot and hanging skillllzzzz. (FYI: ceiling light won’t hold any more than about thirty pounds of weight. It’s just ad outlet suspended on a thin stick between two puny nails into the floor joists above. http://cdn.oneprojectcloser.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/DSC_00293.jpg )
Poor Libby. Poor Mom.
Poor Nick. At least the Janitor won’t have to scrub that clean! Ha!
Classic ghost story. Eh… Uh… What’s the time lapse between the suicides and Halloween?
How does Owen walk in darkness inside the school - and see Libby & Nick walk towards him?
Owen pusses out in the bathroom stall? No way, man! Don’t do that!
I must’ve missed that switchblade element earlier in the story, seems random now.
Why’s ghost Nick cutting into his own cheek? WTF? Random.
Very nice end, though! Good circle.
Yeah, uh… Just a little “mop up” here and there and this will be a good story. Cool.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Make Libby & Nick a double suicide together.
- Have the empty car be Owen’s, a distinct model, which means you gotta introduce it earlier in the story, like when Owen finds Nick & Libby together it’s slobbing knob on the hood of his car in the garage.
- At the tree streaming semen emits from Libby’s mouth dousing Owen. (Yick. Grossed out myself.)

I enjoyed this. Seemed a bit unbelievable at first but by page 6, I was too invested in the story to care. Some creepy stuff going on here. The pictures in the boot were a nice touch along with the blowy by the tree.

What I liked most is that it didn't end up where I thought it would. By page 8, I would of put money on Owen getting murdered in some sort of brutal fashion. Turned out he didn't. I assume Nick and Libby are going to make a habit of doing this each year which in my opinion is far worse.  

Yeah, this was my one.

Just want to say a big thanks to everyone who took the time to read and give their thoughts.

Still trying to find my way with writing scripts and all of your feedback has helped tremendously.

Cheers