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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Goatman (was Peanut Butter Kisses) - OWC
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  Author    Goatman (was Peanut Butter Kisses) - OWC  (currently 4921 views)
Don
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Peanut Butter Kisses by Darren J Seeley - Short, Horror - After a Halloween party, an axe-wielding sociopath in a goat mask stalks a young woman. When she fights back, she finds he's not exactly human. (R ) - pdf, format

Goatman (was Peanut Butter Kisses) by Darren J Seeley - Short, Horror - After a Halloween party, an axe-wielding sociopath in a goat mask stalks a young woman. When she fights back, she finds he's not exactly human. (R) - pdf, format



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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 14th, 2014, 5:52pm
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LC
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Not going to bother writing Spoilers in caps for a big ol' pisstake.


Sara and Marty thrust
between beats of music and hits of a shared cigarette.
Oh, dear.

Some convolute action happening in that car 'convolute?! Couldn't they just be 'making out'

Sara belts out a scream. Pity she can't just 'scream'.

Marty bangs his brains again. Translation: Marty bangs his head.

An apple wine bottle  It couldn't just be an ordinary 'wine bottle'.

Runs as best she can  Like you do when a psycho goat is chasing you.

clickety click   uh-huh.

Tosses bloody ivory bat (Marty’s femur leg bone) in backseat of car. What?!

Next table over a 30 something CLOWN slumped over a table,
face down in his blood

Silly me for thinking his intro means he's going to speak?

The entire area, not counting the stainless steel tables, stoves and utensils is snow white.   So, not the entire area, then?

Ah, and a reference to 'egg salad' - Marnie will be proud.

Taps on the door with the axe. A cadence.  A cadence?!

Bastard’s going to go all Shining on that goddamned door you know he is

I have no idea why I'm quoting all this.

If it was a bowling ball it would be a strike.
Oh dear, again.

With a power yank, As opposed to your common garden variety 'yank'.

STAY WONT GET U N HERE.
What, no punctuation?



Enough said.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  October 27th, 2014, 8:42pm
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the title. There was a bit of clunky writing in the beginning, but overall it was really good.

*spoilers*

Dialogue was handled well, especially in the ladies room - perfect. I thought the scene where they were throwing candy at each other was a bust. Egg salad. Ha! Some of the punctuation was overkill.

Goatman was awesome! Well done. And the tattoos! That was super creative, what a surprising visual to catch one off guard. I think you over did things at the ballroom massacre, probably could cut that into a passage or two.

Lots of action. It was a breeze to read. What's up with that ending? Let me down on the title. "Egg Salad" would've been better lol!

Good, fun read!

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Not going to bother writing Spoilers in caps for a big ol' pisstake.


I didn't get pisser vibes here. Hmm. I did scratch my head at the ivory-bone-leg stuff though haha!

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Dreamscale
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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Doesn't read like a pisser to me at all, but the asides, missing commas, awkward prose and very difficult to follow lack of story and character has me wanting out way too early.

Hard to say exactly what's so wrong here, but IMO, it's definitely not well written like many will probably think.  Is it trying too hard?  Yep.  Is it engaging?  Nope.  Is it cliche?  Yeah, I think so.

Whatever it is or isn't, I'm out way too early, and when I say "way too early", I mean that I shouldn't feel this way, as the writing isn't bad, the grammar isn't horrible, and nothing is pisser-bad in any way..but...it ain't working, sorry to say.

I'm not in the best frame of mind or mood, so feel free to sluff it off on that.  Will be interesting to see what others say, as more posts come in.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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LC
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
I didn't get pisser vibes here. Hmm. I did scratch my head at the ivory-bone-leg stuff though haha!


I started reviewing it 'straight' but as I went on I thought, surely this can't be meant to be taken seriously.

Apologies if I'm wrong.





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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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IMO, this was not a pisstake at all. Far from it. What I saw here is a writer trying to form his own voice...and I like it. It's still on the rough side and needs perfecting, but it's definitely a VOICE!

I had no problem following the story. IMHO, the story is a bit thin. What is Goatman's objective/goal/reasoning? What drives this story? Right now it's jus a straight "horror scene or sequence", but it needs some more depth for us to care.

I breezed through this script and I enjoyed it for the most part. I've started several that I just couldn't get through them...

This script needs a deeper story with some better goals. The writing itself needs some perfecting, but it definitely is a voice and if the writer likes it, go with it. Just learn to perfect it some more. There was some clumsy shot by shot lines on page 4 for example.

Typos and grammar need cleaning up, but I'm sure the writer knows this.

All in all, a decent job for a OWC. Now onto the rewrite to perfect writing and story.

PS. What does the title have to do with the story?



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SS, is still free...
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Dustin
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Code

Sara’s gaze falls to the man’s mid-section. It has to be a
costume. That’s not really his -


Yes it is bitch! Oh yes it is my - You're gonna get it now!

Eyes as wide as saucers, she whimpers delicately, a hand to her mouth in mock horror.

Sara
I'm still a virgin. Keep that nasty thing away
from me.... oh... oh... oh... it's so, it's so...



Sorry... that's not in the script. I just got a little carried away. If there's a penis in the film, I really think it should be OK to say it. Delicately stepping around it is only going to make some find it funny.

This story is struggling for flow. It's a simple slasher and I'm not really a fan of things that are simple. I avoid them. That's probably the reason I haven't enjoyed this as much as others might.






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nawazm11
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 7:57am Report to Moderator
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What's with the hyphen after INT?

"A Halloween costume party in action." Really not the way you want to start a script, just reads so awkwardly.

Second page and I seriously have no clue what's going on, probably best to stop focusing on the writing.

"GOATMAN’s shadow hovers near the car." k.

Well, among everything else, it seems like you had your fun writing this. To be honest, I really did think it was a pisser for a few pages but the tone kind of clears up its seriousness later on. Not entirely sure what to say, really. I like that you embrace the horror, giving us some sex just for the sake of it, which is always good no matter what anybody says. I think the bones of the story are definitely special, but the biggest factoring hindering is...
Wait for it.
The writing! It doesn't work, the style you're trying to emulate feels fake. Almost like you tried to borrow from somebody else and it turned into a bit of a cluster. The thing is, it reads as if you're forcing the voice in rather than having it come out naturally. I mean, look at that Frenchman supposed "pisser" (which I'm still trying to understand), the writer, although probably high when they wrote that, had an intentionally funny tone going on with their writing, which felt natural, what with things like "Behemoth moth". Rendevous' previous shark OWC is a good example on how it can also work in your favour. Just don't force it.

But again, you had your fun writing it it seems, and that's what matters.
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Stumpzian
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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I do like the tattoo eyes that open.  Goatman himself has potential. I also like the opening scene in the restroom.

But I don't care for much else. Not the maggots, green goo, puss, ax in the back, legbone, etc etc. It doesn't add up to anything.

Sara sees the most horrible things, but all she can say is, "Did you do this?" as if talking to a dog that has ripped up a pillow. Or "This can't be real." Why bother giving her dialogue at all?

I had the feeling the writer started out wanting to play it straight but couldn't restrain himself or herself from making fun of what was showing up on the page.







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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 5:21am Report to Moderator
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Peanut butter kisses ... Not sure what that means, or conveys, so let's see...

Could have been good to turn off the cont'd ...bit irratating

Not for the first time, I'm finding this a littl heavy and am having to re read to check where I am etc

Also, and this script is not alone with this, the lack of dialogue is a factor - seems quite strange to have all the interaction and only one sided. Many suffer this. You are not alone...

The egg salad is included!!!

I liked the being chased. The sense of an evil presence after you.

Not sure the set up was that strong, and the chase did see a little random.

The opening of the portals wasn't a strength and as said the one side dialogue was difficult in this type of script.

Goat man was in part good, but also in part a little over the top and cliched.

But, it does have soemthing. All the best.


My scripts  HERE

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stevemiles
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 7:31am Report to Moderator
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Simple kind of nightmare logic to the whole thing.  Straight-up monster/slasher, plenty of horror yet at bit been there done that.

A few asides gave this a tongue in cheek feel, but the horror was pretty consistent throughout.

Writing was a bit hit and miss in places -- but did well to convey a sense of urgency as things heated up.  

Liked the Goatman -- got a good sense of how he looked, if no clear idea as to why he acted as he did.  Or how the unconscious freezer nurse happened to know they would survive if they could hold out till morning (that was my guess at the lipstick message anyway).  Not sure how she hid in the freezer and Goatman didn’t try to get in after her -- he’d be warm enough with all that goat hair.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Gum
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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I’m not sure what my take is on this, but I read it through with no real issues regarding the actual writing (sans typos). It was gruesome in a sense, but in a weird and whimsical way. For no apparent reason it reminded me of the’ Sha Na Na’ Halloween concert I saw when I was a kid; I think it was because Bowser had this leviathan leg bone he was using as a prop.

Anyways, I’m not really sure what transpired, except I found it fun to read. I thought the Goatman and his Owl Tattoos were really creative, that could seriously work in a taught, psychological thriller, and of course the inclusion of a Candy Striper (Nurse).

Had to do a search on the Corvin Bridge just because… We’re in Romania and the hotel is actually a castle? Nice... and we’re at a séance with Egg Salad, Peanut Butter Kisses, green goo and maggots… OK then.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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DS
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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The dialogue rule seems to have done this the most damage out of what I've read so far. There are a lot of characters and a fair amount of interaction, only one character talking in these situations was just odd and made it a rough read.

The goatman was a creepy antagonist with some unique edges like the tattoos and... well, being a goatman, but apart from that he was one-note and cliche. A few unique features of how he looks didn't remedy it for me. I did like the costume party aspect though.

If there was a plot or a more interesting protagonist I could have probably liked this more. It was pretty much all action, I didn't find the writing of the action sequence bad, but I did find it the action to contain nothing uniquely refreshing or interesting. That along with the lack of plot made this a forgettable entry for me.
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c m hall
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

I like the story.  Sara is an interesting character; spunky, she adapts to changing situations as best  she can.  The Goatman is a scary, mysterious creation -- powerful and hungry but picky (in what parts of the dead he eats).  The eyes on his body looking around are very, very creepy.

The ending is terrific, I like the message on the Candy Striper's arm and Sara carting her off to safety is great.  Lots of excitement, this could be a very entertaining film.

EDIT
I like the name, peanut butter kisses are sticky candies wrapped in waxy black or orange paper, as I recall -- I like that the Zombie Bride seems to crave them and the Clown collapses, surrounded by them.  

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
c m hall  -  November 11th, 2014, 4:16pm
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