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Really liked this one. You sketched out the history of the book excellently, writing crisp and flows really well. Great opening image, particularly liked the cave sequence, very Indiana Jones / Lara Croft. Had Jessica Chastain in my head for Jenna.
-- rather like the ending of Lost, I'm not sure the pay-off quite lived up to what went before. It's so hard to come up with a solution to the mystery that makes people not think 'Is that it?' To me, the reveal of the Beast felt unimaginative compared to the great work that had gone before.
Perhaps its best if we too never know where the directions in the book lead? I understand you were going for a loop at the end, but must admit exactly how it worked was lost on me (may be my fault). Also, the two missing fingers - was the Beast actually Carswell? How does that work?
I'd love it if the writer would explain the ending once who wrote what is revealed. I know who I think it is... but yeah, great work. My favourite so far.
EDIT: having subsequently read others' comments, I suppose they do have a point that this script doesn't really fit the criteria of the OWC - which has to count against it, as we were all writing to a brief. However, I still found it very entertaining - there's a good writer at work here. Well done, you rebel.
Good action lines, I could visualize everything well. Good location choice. The story didn't do much for me though.
I think the dialogue rule wasn't handled great on this one. Jenna being the only person to talk in a group of people venturing a cave together seems a bit so-so, but fine. The lazyness cuts in when everyone in Jenna's group is dead and the "thinking out loud moments" pop up. The "I told him so" moment is especially cringy. The dialogue rule is pretty much broken in the end with another character speaking.
My other problem with this one was the lack of plot. Everything just seemed to happen. We never find out what the goal is or what the cave/book is actually about. The characters always knew more than the audience and that never really changed, not even in the end. With a really high death count in the script, no one's felt important. Considering the huge mystery that could surround the cave and the book, a beast simply being there and everyone dying doesn't come off as a very strong ending.
Is the teenager the same teenager from Cairo years ago or another one? While the name is in caps, the name is still "teenager" with the exact same character description, confusing.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
My other problem with this one was the lack of plot. Everything just seemed to happen. We never find out what the goal is or what the cave/book is actually about.
I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I enjoy stories that leave room for interpretation, not always having every point spelled out for us. That said, this entry appears to be lax on some of the rules i.e. the rules state a portal opens on the night of the 31st. Do the stories have to be set all on that one night, or can they go back and forth in time? Also I don't recall a portal to an 'otherworld' in this story, unless I'm missing something? In any case, this was an intriguing premise that I'd like to see more of.
No Halloween. I don't want to be a poophead, but shouldn't that disqualify this? I'm sure most entrants (well, me at least) might have gone a different way if they knew they didn't have to abide by the rules of the game.
If I missed it somehow ( I read it twice), somebody tell me.
The beginning scene was cool but I'm thinking why did the book have to be in the box? And why if he did kill them men on the floor, why couldn't you have shown him kill 'for' the book. Him swinging the sword on the box didn't really fit for me. I mean what if he cut the box and the book in two? Just wondering as I read.
It starts with action and paced quick then slows back a little much for me. You lose the tone for me during this part of the script like pages 3-4.
Also the book trades so many hands and this thing spans over so much time, that I find it hard to want to follow or root for any of these characters. You could perhaps shorten this by a montage and focus on one character unless you are focusing on the death the book seems to bring to those harboring it. And more than once the holder of the book, makes sure no one else sees..makes sure they are alone, but why? I want to know more.
I never understood the portal thing in this one. Too many characters for me. Time spread to wide also. Good job completing an owc.
This one didn't do it for me. For starters, it was more like an Indiana Jones chase scene, rather than a horror script. Way too much action. I kind of understood the point of the story (the twist at the end) but it just didn't do anything for me.
I big problem why it had no impact for me was that I didn't feel; for the characters. None of them meant anything to me. And if you don't care for the characters, then you don't care what happens to them.
Influenced by Goonies maybe? That's what immediately came to mind with the device toward the end. Interesting way to start, with the book trading hands. It establishes a history, but doesn't reveal anything about it - which is good for mystery - but you can add to that on top of everyone dying that possess it. Maybe a more overt change in mood or behavior?
Jenna's part of the story didn't hit for me. It was a huge filler, and the characters were mostly a letdown, except for the beast. It was a clever twist of fate, coming around full circle, but needs clarity on why it happened. The end scene juxtaposed everything that came before it, so kudos there.
There was a lot of overwriting, it would be real easy to trim. Some sentences read awkward, mainly because there were irrelevant words that added to what was already stated. Formatting is off - right justified... well, right margins. Could be on my end though.