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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    December, 2011 Urban Legend OWC  ›  True Myth - ULOWC
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  Author    True Myth - ULOWC  (currently 5519 views)
Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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True Myth by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short, Urban Legend - When a secret military team gains the power of psychic foresight, their greatest challenge is what happens next. 8 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 21st, 2012, 2:07pm
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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For a surprise OWC, I suppose it's fine.
'Suppose'...well, look. I did get a little worn down with the punnage. Character slugs don't match character narrative except for rank. Would have preferred last names.
Maybe it's just me. Too much red table wine from NYE, the OWC being under the radar...I need a bowl of hot soup and the soup needs salt...

I just couldn't get a handle on this bit. Sorry.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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Ryan1
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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This is a clever little tale you have here.  I like how consistently wacky you kept the tone throughout the piece.  Those character names...Private Moments?  Yeesh.  I can see you're a guy who likes his puns.

Innovative idea for an urban legends challenge.  No real urban legend at the core of this, but a funny concept about a black ops department of the military squashing any legends that happen to come up in conversation.  

I liked the contrast of the frizzy haired old lady(My Ayes...I saw that pun coming up Main Street and it was a groaner) with the strict, hard-nosed military man.

The ending was suitably absurd for a story like this.  I guess I was hoping for a bit more of a laugh that just a power cut, because you had done such a good job of building up to the moment.  But all in all, this was a creative, original take on your subject.
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grademan
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill,

I think I've seen your name over at MP?

One pun after another.  8 pages was about the right length for this, It was reminiscent of Airplane one of my all time fav comedies. Nice twist on the theme. Did you consider an evil twin organization? Might've  been fun.

Gary
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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill,

I am a massive fan of spoof films and puns,  you have delivered something that maybe isn't to everybody's taste but you won me over and I was laughing throughout. Maybe there should have been a Private Parts as well.

A cracker to mention for me personally and you must be English right? A Line like "That old chestnut" Love it! It's like you stole it from my vocabulary.

One disappointment for me was the ending, you built it up so well that it kinda felt flat but I'm not complaining because i really enjoyed this.

Good work old chum

Steve.
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pale yellow
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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Bill,

I really liked this story. I didnt' get tired of the puns. I got a chuckle the whole way through. The dialogue seems to fit the characters....very cute short.

Good work!

Dena


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bill,

Good on you for taking a stab at the OWC.
Puns in the war room, how Kubrickian of you!

This was a pretty good read, and I'm not a fan of puns.
Your set up far exceeded your punchline.

Spell check this bad boy for the second draft and give us a more fitting ending.
Nice effort.

Regards,
E.D.


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Felipe
Posted: January 3rd, 2012, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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You have some really cool ideas here and from the beginning, you had my attention. When the psychic woman came into play I started picturing Professor Trelawny from Harry Potter. It's not really your fault though. =)
They are both just crazy.
The puns were a bit much for me but it seemed to fit the whole style of the story. Your writing kept me entertained throughout even though I felt the end was a bit abrupt.

It was almost Dr. Strangelove meets Burn After Reading. Solid work!


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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mcornetto
Posted: January 4th, 2012, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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Bill,

Amusing little tale.  Reminded me quite a bit of Airplane and I got a few chuckles out of it.  

There was no rule about using only one legend, so you're fine there and it seemed like you voice came through loud and clear.  

The one crit I would make is that though the dialogue was funny the actions were pretty tame.  Up the funny content in the actions so we can see some of these gags.  


Good work.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 5th, 2012, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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Thanks everyone for the reads.

Sorry I don't have the ability to do individual quotes at he moment, so will comment in general.

First off, this was VERY rushed, more of a weekend challenge. However, I thought it was better to take part rather than hide away - I knew would have to take a few on the chin.

The key items to me are;

The end - I didn't have time to finish. I have an ending now where the power cut is part of the section being closed down, which then becomes a myth itself.

Consistent humour - I need to make sure all characters are consistent, maybe one or two teaks needed for this.

Puns - yeah probably a couple too many, a Pun too Far so to speak, ok I'll stop it...

Visual - Michael pointed out the need to keep the visuals going. I agree. Hopefully, with the screens, different characters and what they are doing this can be acheieved but needs clarifying.

Kubrick - I'm glad this was spotted as I was thinking about Dr Strangelove whilst writing this, along with Airplane and Caddyshack. A subtle blend!

Myth wise there are three refered to in this plus the whole preventing myth's  idea.

Glad most enjoyed this and saw it for what it was, a slapstick/satirical effort based around the state trying to manipulate society and how government "could" do this.

Cheers


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Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Angry Bear
Posted: January 5th, 2012, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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This was kind of like Airplane. A fun wacky piece with a lot of playing with words. I thought it was pretty creative and would probably be more fun to watch than read since the timing would be crucial to the jokes.

Don't have anything to offer up as suggestions to improve. Maybe change the ending a little as that was the only part that felt flat to me.

Good work!!


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Sham
Posted: January 5th, 2012, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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This was really funny, Bill. I smiled the whole way through.

I really cracked up at this little exchange:

          COLONEL SAYER
     Moments, I need fresh eyes.

          MYRA AYES
     My sister?

Great job. This definitely stands out from the rest.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 6th, 2012, 4:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sham
This was really funny, Bill. I smiled the whole way through.

I really cracked up at this little exchange:

          COLONEL SAYER
     Moments, I need fresh eyes.

          MYRA AYES
     My sister?

Great job. This definitely stands out from the rest.


Thanks Sham.

Despite the time restrictions it was fun to write as well.



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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AdamJohns
Posted: January 6th, 2012, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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I immediately thought of a Mel Brooks movie.  Even with a reference to "Lone Star" on page 4, ala Space Balls. I found myself laughing as well.  Great use of puns.

Couple of minor things:
Pg. 1, would read better as "sown-on name badge," and overweight is one word.

Nice work.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 7th, 2012, 6:04am Report to Moderator
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Jay Z,

thanks for the read and feedback.

This was a rushed job and needs a bit of work. The lone star actually was taken from an Urban myth where it was believed the Lone Star Brewery had been poisoned (I changed this to vineyard) and as this was an Urban Myth/Legend competition seemed fair game to include.

I now have to consider whether to revise or move on to others. Probably a good discipline to revise.

all the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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