Love how the psychic typically keeps things vague by only saying two letters and letting the officials knock themselves out trying to figure it out. Of course, the power cut could have occurred because the computers were overworked. I wonder what terms you could have come up with BO (BlackOut).

bill -- pt 2. true myth -- truly clever -- i loved your characterization -- the naming was awesomely apropos and the story is fine. but once again, for me, it's your details, i.e. descriptions, transitions. i bet this was written with an contest in mind, huh? the lack of scenery -- which makes it a single dimensional work -- is limiting to the potential that your writing speaks to. dialogue could use a little punch in the face as well, and i'm not sure if introducing new characters so late (page 6 in this case of a 9 pg work) is not a bad habit or at least a lazy one. you're a strong writer in my opinion -- not just giving you fluff for a review either. your writing is filled with possibility for improvement and i think you'll take the adv received on this site and make yourself into a better writer soon. good read -- thanks. and keep writing and stay positive.

Thanks for the reads.

Quoted from TheRichcraft Love how the psychic typically keeps things vague by only saying two letters and letting the officials knock themselves out trying to figure it out. Of course, the power cut could have occurred because the computers were overworked. I wonder what terms you could have come up with BO (BlackOut).

BO - argh the possibilities! This was a rushed job but a new draft is on the way.

Quoted from courhaw i'm not sure if introducing new characters so late (page 6 in this case of a 9 pg work) is not a bad habit or at least a lazy one. you're a strong writer in my opinion -- not just giving you fluff for a review either. .

thank you for the feedback. You are right it was written of a competition so there are always a few constraints. The one location was on purpose as i am trying to steer my scripts this way to make them more appealing to produce.

I'm not saying this would be produced but i want to get into the habit of increasing my chances.

Your comment on the late introduction of the last character is interesting. its not one i had thought of as an issue, but will ponder on it.

Reef,

This was...okay. Inventive and definitely well-written, it even had a couple of almost-chuckle-moments but the names thing got old. Real fast. Actually, it reminded me of the Airplane skit with Roger, Oveur and Victor:

Roger Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence.
Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
Tower voice: Tower's radio clearance, over!
Captain Oveur: That's Clarence Oveur. Over.
Tower voice: Over.
Captain Oveur: Roger.
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Tower voice: Roger, over!
Roger Murdock: What?
Captain Oveur: Huh?
Victor Basta: Who?

Comedy is very very subjective and this didn't work too well for me.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from sniper Reef, This was...okay. Inventive and definitely well-written, it even had a couple of almost-chuckle-moments but the names thing got old. Real fast. Actually, it reminded me of the Airplane skit with Roger, Oveur and Victor: Roger Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence. Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor? Tower voice: Tower's radio clearance, over! Captain Oveur: That's Clarence Oveur. Over. Tower voice: Over. Captain Oveur: Roger. Roger Murdock: Huh? Tower voice: Roger, over! Roger Murdock: What? Captain Oveur: Huh? Victor Basta: Who? Comedy is very very subjective and this didn't work too well for me. Cheers Rob

Sniper,

Many thanks for the read, appreciated.

For this 'unofficial" OWC i took a real flyer with a spoof but in all fairness it was written over Christmas with so little time that i just had to write my first idea or bale out, and I love taking part in these things.

This style is definitely not for everyone and thats when its done well. My honest opinion is that i had a reasonable idea and pulled it off OK. Time to fine tune and reflect would help. I have a new draft going up with a  tidier ending but other than a few tweaks it remains the same. I don't know about others but once a script is out there and reviewed i look to the next one more than working on the old one. I think that's a bad habit in the formation.

This was my first spoof script and i think i over egged a couple of things, such as the puns and names. A couple were forced and didn't go so well - i should have focused on what worked. Good lesson.

Mind you i really enjoyed writing this and if you can't laugh at your own jokes, thats not a good sign.

cheers

PS i adore airplane and that dialogue you posted is just an example of why, to me, that film is a work of genius. So many spoofs have followed, so few even start to climb so high.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Mind you i really enjoyed writing this

Yeah, I think it was pretty obvious that you were having a good time writing this one. And you know what? That's really all that matters. Period.

I'm really impressed with your writing, man. The writing carried me through this one. As Sniper said, comedy is so incredibly subjective and this just ain't my bag. Slightly too surreal for me. Are you a fan of The Mighty Boosh? In a way, it reminded me of that, which just goes over my head every time. It's interesting, 'cos you demo'd a completely different style of humour than that of A Girl's Best Friend. That's a testament to your writing.

There's not much else for me to add, really, 'cos I think my problem with the script is a taste issue as opposed to a quality issue.

I would love to see a drama feature from you. Send me over anything that you'd like some eyes on - I'd be very keen to give it a butchers.

Quoted from Andrew I'm really impressed with your writing, man. The writing carried me through this one. As Sniper said, comedy is so incredibly subjective and this just ain't my bag. Slightly too surreal for me. Are you a fan of The Mighty Boosh? In a way, it reminded me of that, which just goes over my head every time. It's interesting, 'cos you demo'd a completely different style of humour than that of A Girl's Best Friend. That's a testament to your writing. There's not much else for me to add, really, 'cos I think my problem with the script is a taste issue as opposed to a quality issue. I would love to see a drama feature from you. Send me over anything that you'd like some eyes on - I'd be very keen to give it a butchers.

Andrew, once again kind words and i'm really pleased you have spotted the different styles employed.

So far i have tried to make each script very different. I am still new to all this so for now i'm using shorts to fine tune my writing.

I'm entering the MP feature title and log line competition in january. This may force me to start a feature, which is probably about time. i did start all my script  writing with a feature length drama but that was before i had learnt how to do this. The idea in that script is sound but the writing is as ugly as a spanked a**e. Needs work.

I have a short drama script in a competition  at Circlait called Shelter, which is currently ranked third out of 110 scripts which is nice to see, although the voting there is strange and not wholly trust worthy (one author has reviewed his own script, gave it 100% but left his name on the pdf!) But hey its better than last!

I've seen the Mighty boosh promoted but never seen it.

All the best

Bill, I wanted to write you a nice long review but I just raced through this, laughing to myself as I did.

I loved the character names and there were a lot of little gags in there too.  I don't really have anything of worth to say; nothing negative either.  I really enjoyed this from start to finish.

Great short.

Quoted from alffy Bill, I wanted to write you a nice long review but I just raced through this, laughing to myself as I did. I loved the character names and there were a lot of little gags in there too.  I don't really have anything of worth to say; nothing negative either.  I really enjoyed this from start to finish. Great short.

Thanks Alffy,

Glad you enjoyed this, it was fun to write as well, which is nice.

I have tweaked it a bit since the competition - primarily to give it an ending - but it's pretty close to the original.

Let me know when the revised Addiction is up.

cheers

bill

I like the play on names/words - funny.
Reminds me of a Leslie Neilson comedy.
I see its light years different in tone then your latest short, Alone.

Quoted from Guest I like the play on names/words - funny. Reminds me of a Leslie Neilson comedy. I see its light years different in tone then your latest short, Alone.

Sorry Reaper, I didn't see this when I checked in earlier.

Thanks for the read.

This is not everyone's 'cup of tea', but I enjoyed writing it at the time. It made me smile as is wrote it and you know what, that's not a bad thing.

Hopefully those who read this will understand it's not meant to be serious, just a bit of light hearted, slapstick fun. Oh, it's not stupid either. There is something  under this after all!

Cheers

Bill

Cool idea you got going here, utterly ridiculous and you treat that way by populating the story with uniformly ridiculous characters!

“Col Sooth Sayer, DEPT of URBAN MYTH BANISHMENT (D.U.M.B)”

- Ha, love the Col.’s name and the acronym, has a Dr. Strangelove vibe to it.
Likewise for the two privates, clever.

PRIVATE FEARS
No sir, that’s illegal since the
case of the priest with the bad
piles...
(off the Colonel’s look)
...oh, yes, sorry sir.

- Ok, I know it’s for the purposes of comedy and I’m loathed to take the earnest route but surely Private Fears wouldn’t make this mix up every time the Col. enquired about the other misfortunately named Private.

PRIVATE MOMENTS
What? Oh, PV, OK sir. PV, Personal
Voyeur coming up sir, screen three.

- I wonder is there another way for you to define PV without having Private Moment just say it? Feels like a line purely for the benefit of the audience.

GENERAL CONNCERN

- Another great handle, “CONNCERN” is spelled it with an extra “N” though or is this intentional?

COLONEL SAYER
General Conncern.

PRIVATE FEARS
What is?

- The same criticism here as above with Private Fears stupidity but I understand you’re portraying him that way, the idiot. At least he’s consistent!

“SMOKING KILLS – ALLEGEDLY“

- He he

COLONEL SAYER
Private, give a heads up to the
Bureau, I want a nod to the FBI,
and give Homeland a sniff.

- Aren’t the “Bureau” and “FBI” the same thing?

COLONEL SAYER
Moments, I told you, I need fresh
eyes.

MYRA
My sister?

- I don’t get this.

JIMMY
That’s horse shite. You know it.

- Did you mean to spell “shite” like that because that’s how we sometimes say it where I’m from? As in, rhymes with “Kite”.

I love the tone of comedy throughout, very playful, tongue–in-cheek, some clever gags in there. The banter between the two hapless Privates and the equally clueless Colonel was entertaining, working well with the ludicrous high concept.

I thought the last third disappointed a bit however, I wasn’t as so enamoured by Myra’s introduction, mainly because she interfered with the all boys club which I was enjoying (although there are lots of ways you could take that partnership) while the final sequence didn’t make much sense to me. I guess I’m missing something but they were on the brink of finding out what this new myth was when everything goes dark and you cut to the random scene at the Arizona bar. I get the bar scene is there to propagate the notion of myths, their ubiquity and how they can started so readily but I still don’t know what PC stands for! Should I?

Col.

Col

Thanks for the read.

Everyone should write a True Myth because it's refreshing nonsense. I loved writing this one, and still enjoy reading it, but i accept it is very individual. We can all write the same type of scripts, so sometimes it is good to break out. That's what i feel this script was for me.

Without going into too much detail, it is an oldie after all, i would say;

1] where you wonder if it was intentional - it is! bizarre and all that

2] last third - oh Col, most found this the best, but thats the beauty of weird scripts, everyone enjoys them differently.

3] PC = power cut, the irony of it being to them rather than outside, then played upon in the fact the plug was pulled

4] re Myra - Fresh eyes - my sister ?- Funnily enough, Sham thought this was the best bit! It is a play on the fact that Myra is My Ayes (eyes) so the joke is that Fresh Eyes is her sister - weird i accept.

Thanks for the read, much appreciated.

cheers

bill

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Everyone should write a True Myth because it's refreshing nonsense. I loved writing this one, and still enjoy reading it, but i accept it is very individual. We can all write the same type of scripts, so sometimes it is good to break out.

- I agree, i have a couple of random scripts too, written for that very same purpose, something different.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer PC = power cut, the irony of it being to them rather than outside, then played upon in the fact the plug was pulled

- Sh?t, I knew I shoulda copped this!