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Isidro by Apothecary P. Romeo - Short - A documentary crew and a couple find shelter in a laundry room of an abandoned motel during a hurricane. But is a werewolf after them? Or is it something else? - pdf, format
Well, color me confused. I guess I have to attribute it to the found footage format, but I had a hard time following what was going on. The writing itself, though, was a bit stilted for my taste. Lines like "He pulls out the gun and a RAT around his hand. Blood pumps from the wound" confused me. The rats, the dialogue, I dunno, man. Not my cup of tea, sorry.
Sorry, i couldn't get into this one at all. Page 7 is way too late to give a description of Krys IMO. There was just nothing there to drive the story forward, my mind kept wandering. The werewolf, the spirits, the rats.
Ultimately, I think this one could be polished into something good. Two sets of strangers, with various theories as to "what the danger is outside." Build up the tension, ease into the paranoia better - this could be really fun.
And I really liked the way it started. The opening visuals of the hotel are very evocative. And I especially liked the line "A different kind of thunder bams against the door." (Although, did you mean 'bangs'?) Typos...always happen in OWCs!
I did feel that the promise fell apart as the script progressed, though. I found myself confused at the beginning, as to who was already in the hotel, and if the two couples had already met. That's a quick description fix. But then the discussion about their various supernatural theories... IMO, you jump into it too quickly. Two sets of strangers aren't going to immediately share thoughts like "there's a werewolf" or "no, it's demons!"...they've got to build up to that, be sure that 'talk like that' is acceptable before you get to that point.
Then, Ted and Ellen start making out and discuss sex tapes out of the blue? Ack! Out of character! (Which I know was the idea, but it was still too jarring.)
So - to summarize - loved the initial setup, and I think this could be polished to something fun. (And found footage is always a plus these days, esp. with micro budgets.) But - it does need that polish to live up to it's potential!
Page 1. I kind of like the different images you start out with. Not sure we need a narrator though… We will see. Maybe it is important to the story.
The images get a little trickier to understand on the 2nd half of the page. And I did not really understand what you meant with " back to the source of the camera and flood light".
Page 4. There's a lot of dialogue here and not much action. The last 3 pages all we have learned is that 2 people are documentary filmmakers and the other 2 had an accident with a car. We have also learned that there are werewolves, but that is it. I don't really see any conflict or drama going on. That makes this mostly exposition or idle chatter.
By the way, it is not illegal in Florida to have a gun or take it with you when you travel…
Page 8. " Ted goes over to his wife, makes out." That seems to me like a very odd thing to do. It does not fit in with what has already happened. In my opinion.
Who is Tim?
Okay, finished. This script wasn't really for me, sorry to say. It was mostly dialogue which in itself doesn't have to be a bad thing. However, in cases like that the dialogue has to be razor-sharp. It has to be intelligent, but most of all, it still has to have the drama/conflict and move a story forward. I did not feel the story did that. I did not count, but I know that the question was if the Wolf or werewolf came out numerous times. As did the answer " it wasn't a wolf". Lots of repetitive stuff. Your characters also do things that did not make sense to me. Your character's dialogue is also very very much the same. I could not tell by dialogue alone who was who and I had to look up and see who it actually was speaking.
I do not know why you chose to set this in a laundry room when in my opinion at least a motel room would have been a lot more interesting visually.
I would suggest changing the setting to a motel room. Sharpen up the dialogue and give your characters their own voice and characteristics.
Not much worked on this one. Confusing, redundant, and difficult to read. I assume this was supposed to be found footage? Didn't really see the purpose. Characters were all the same and the bleeping of curse words was like what?
Can't really say much more. Didn't work for me at all, sorry.
Sorry, but I had lots of problems with this one, I agree with, Greg. This was a hard read and the bleeping… what’s that about? I actually had to read this twice and I hate doing that but this just went straight over my head on the first read. It’s just not clear and very complicated to follow, and the dialogue needs work.
I actually liked the opening with the narrator, it’s different. Then things just went downhill for me and I blame it on the found footage technique… Characters were not capped on first intro, even though we were seeing them for the first time. And then when they were, Ted was capped but not Ellen?
Then we moved inside but were told that strong winds and rain were pulverising the “exterior” of the building. Huh? I think you moved the scene inside to early. And the floodlight being capped like it some meaning? If that’s the case, why didn’t it get capped in the first place? The inconsistency wasn’t helping me as you can tell, and I’m all for that when reading a script. There was also a typo (Tim) on page 8 which should have been Ted I believe.
I’m thinking this by a new member on the boards or a rushed last minute entry.
So let’s move onto the story.
I have to be honest and I’m sorry about this because I hardly have the right because my own script isn’t any good to say the least.
However, I don’t really know what to say about the story, after two reads I’m still really confused by it. I think you’ve muddled the dialogue up somewhere because it doesn’t make sense to me. I get the ending about them being the wolves but this didn’t work for me at all. Sorry.
It’s too long, cut it down and make the dialogue and characters more realistic.
Most importantly is to make the writing clearer, this reads so confusing and it really hurts the read.
Brilliant idea of doing this as a found footage type of story. I'm sure I'll see another one in the batch somewhere. Seriously, this takes care of any budget problems...although the bleeped profanity seems out of place. Let's say this bit was real and aired on TV. Sure, they'd bleep out cuss words. But...
1 - We get a little kink that comes off as a little wierd (but forced) and I think it tips the hand a little bit. When Ted (Tim?) takes the gun I almost expected him and Ellen to be something other than what they claimed, and, seeing how thier paranormal-supernatural was BS, (or so they say - was the werewolves- shadow demons one the same?)
2 - The carnage at the end. Body parts, blood.
See my point? The contradiction makes this read a little more corny than it should be. If this is who I think it is, you could have took no prisoners instead of holding me hostage.
I think FF scripts are really tricky to pull off effectively. Since it is a FF script, why isn't there an additional scene or two with Krys and Joe? You got a whole run down abandoned motel. You could have used an extra page...or less one, considering that the debate over "what" is out there aside from the hurricane itself could have been more to the point.
I agree with the others to a point - I don't think you're new but I do think a good chunk of the OWC was you burning midnight oil. I think with another update this will knock it out of the park. But not quite yet.
I liked the found footage and the Narrator at the start... it gave it a different tone than I was expecting.... Storywise trapped in a laundry, back and forth figuring out the werewolf... Kinda weird and then you through a sex scene in there...Hey could happen