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Congrats on completing a feature. Now comes the rewrites. lol.
Finished in one sitting. If I mistake anything, I blame it on my quick reading lol.
My thoughts in no particular order:
I'm presuming the scene where his mom is dead and draws in the eyes is when he starts becoming an artist? If not, you gotta establish that storyline. That's a pretty cool storyline.
What does Davood get with the five deaths completed? Devood lives? I'm guessing so since the father killed the snake in the beginning. So, since the father is dead, Davood is trying to save himself? I would advise explaining the mythical curse or story behind the gurza like to avoid one's own demise, needs to kill five family members.
I would advise showing how Davood and Jeyla improve their relationship since Jeyla has been avoiding him for the longest.
This doesn't mean I don't like it. I enjoy the characters, structure, and storyline.
Thank you so much, Gabe, for reading this one mess of a screenplay.
You actually gave me something I thought was clear - so thanks for that, I'll look into that too.
No, he was an artist before that. His mother talks to his sister about his obsession with drawing snakes.
And as to your second question - he's so obsessed with he myth that wants to live up to it. He wants for it to be true. But I don't know if I should change this as it's a bit of complicated. I know I should get rid of a lot of convo so that only important part stays and everything would be much clearer that way.
Looking forward for yours!
And to all - I'll get to the reads soon. It'll just take me time, but I'll read all of them surely. Very excited.
This is the most cohesive set of stories submitted to the 7WC, making everyone else look bad
There are some minor word choice issues and quite a bit of on-the-nose dialogue, which is a common feature in just about any first draft. It was common enough to pull me out of the story at times, but importantly it seems straightforward enough to fix during a re-write.
The action is little over-descriptive in spots, which is better than being too terse, but it does slow down the read. A good example is Davood and the shrubs at the bottom of page 6.
The garden definitely had a "the cobbler's children have the worst shoes" element to it.
Very cute with Davood pretending to read. It's not unusual for kids that age or even younger to memorize a story, so the only part that seems out of place is Davood saying he can't read.
The family deaths appear to be a "simple" curse maybe a little too long, but everything makes sense after the audience is let in on what's actually happening.
There are a few things about Davood's behavior that don't make sense to me. I get that he thinks five people need to die, and if he can get five OTHER people to die then he'd be better off.
Davood in his early 20s says that he "can't work," and it's clear from this conversation that Narmin has been aware of this forever, but it seems like she's only just this moment doing anything about it. A child who acted as obsessed as Davood does here wouldn't have been able to function in school. Either he's gotten worse recently (maybe when he captured the snake) or he's been a problem child for a very long time. Either way can be interesting.
Davood's interactions with his family also seem a bit odd. He goes through a lot of effort to make contact, they reject him, and he acts like he doesn't like them either. Maybe his only real interest is in locating the family members rather than bonding with them, but the interactions just seemed odd to me. If he really truly doesn't like the family members, it could come up in his dialogue with the toy snake.
Davood seems weirdly calm about catching fire. Even forming the words "It hurts!" would take way more concentration than most people could muster in that situation. Maybe he is that disassociated from his body (remember Gollum's joy at gaining the Ring overrode his pain of falling into lava), but then he'd be showing concern for Girly rather than himself. He could plausibly switch at some point and realize his own plight when it's too late (Richard Prior discussed how even when he was as high as a kite, completely unable to realize he was in danger, once the fire reached him he acted like pretty much any sober person who finds himself on fire).
I think all these issues are fixable, and a round of editing will help with the text issues.
Great job with this feature.
Edit: I also like the open ending. Maybe this (driving a family member mad) is simply how the curse operates. In which case ten more lives are on the line.