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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Night Gallery 7 Week Challenge  ›  Gurza - 7WC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, Moderator
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  Author    Gurza - 7WC  (currently 1140 views)
LC
Posted: December 25th, 2018, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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Kham, just thought I'd take a look at this...

Settled in for a read, sitting outside on a hot Boxing Day morning and when I got to the bit where Mahmud is bitten I look around cause sudden movement caught my eye...

One of these just happens to be slithering by!

http://youraussieholiday.com.au/project/goanna-perentie/

I kid you not!

Scared the crap outta me.  A good sized one too. My feet went up on the chair quick smart. Took a photo but not sure how to upload here.

Suffice to say the creepy script and the creepy Goanna, I followed him around the house until he ran off.  


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khamanna
Posted: December 26th, 2018, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Libby, woah, what a treat, you must live in a beautiful place!

I'm so bad - I haven't got to the rewrite when I should have rewritten it 10 times. I wish Sean makes it obligatory next time and gives us 20 days or something to submit the rewrites.

Thanks for reading! (or trying to read, lol) I need help with the ending. Not like the rest of it is great, it's just the ending sucks especially much with the fire and all.
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FrankM
Posted: December 26th, 2018, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
Libby, woah, what a treat, you must live in a beautiful place!

I'm so bad - I haven't got to the rewrite when I should have rewritten it 10 times. I wish Sean makes it obligatory next time and gives us 20 days or something to submit the rewrites.

Thanks for reading! (or trying to read, lol) I need help with the ending. Not like the rest of it is great, it's just the ending sucks especially much with the fire and all.


The existing script about reptilian curses summoned a reptile. Improving it could be dangerous


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LC
Posted: December 26th, 2018, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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You're onto something good here Kham. The snakes work well with horror.

I'm going to read it again with particular emphasis concentrating on the ending cause I agree the denouement could do with some ramping up. There's great material here for maximizing suspense.

I enjoyed the vibe and the atmosphere and your descriptions and the foreign (to me) setting which adds colour. Chris offered quite a lot in terms of grammar suggestions so I'll hold off and that but will be happy to assist you with that in your next draft if you'd like that.

Let me know when you have a new draft ready.
Looking forward to it.

P.S. Yep, there's never a dull moment in our backyard - usually at this time of year our friendly (but huge) diamond python can  surprise us (eek!!) when we lift the lid on the compost bin, and the water dragons are regular fixtures  poolside.  


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LC
Posted: December 26th, 2018, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM
The existing script about reptilian curses summoned a reptile. Improving it could be dangerous

  





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khamanna
Posted: December 27th, 2018, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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Woah, you read it already! That was fast.

Thanks, Libby for the nice words. I'll try to rewrite after the holidays. Travelling to Houston right now! I haven't seen the city for more than 7 years and strangely excited.

Python and dragons you say. Ugh. Frank is right, I should keep quet about the rewrite.
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khamanna
Posted: March 1st, 2019, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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And while you all are discussing the Oscars on another thread I decided to come up with a logline for Gurza.

This one is tricky due to the abundance of the backstory that interweaves with the main storyline.

An ancient Azerbaijani myth promises that the murder of a Gurza snake will be followed by five deaths in your family. Being a witness to the implications of the myth, an eccentric artist has to outsmart it to stay alive.

Wordy and blah. But something to work off.

With your help. Please
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Philostrate
Posted: March 1st, 2019, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
And while you all are discussing the Oscars on another thread I decided to come up with a logline for Gurza.

This one is tricky due to the abundance of the backstory that interweaves with the main storyline.

An ancient Azerbaijani myth promises that the murder of a Gurza snake will be followed by five deaths in your family. Being a witness to the implications of the myth, an eccentric artist has to outsmart it to stay alive.

Wordy and blah. But something to work off.

With your help. Please


Hey Kham,

My take:

Based on an Azerbaijani myth. After an eccentric artist witness the murder of a Gurza snake, he will have to outsmart the terrible fate of an ancient legend that affirms that the sighting will be followed by five deaths in his family.

Haven't read the script yet (just downloaded and added to my pile) so take what you like, leave out the rest.

Hope it helps.




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FrankM
Posted: March 1st, 2019, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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Here's another random stab at it.

Believing his father brought an ancient Azerbaijani curse upon his family, an eccentric artist's plan to survive may be worse than the original curse.

Hopefully we don't summon a huge lizard at LC's place.


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LC
Posted: March 1st, 2019, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM
... Hopefully we don't summon a huge lizard at LC's place.

  

Condensing yours, Kham:

When an ancient Azerbaijani myth foretells that the killing of a Gurza snake will be followed by five deaths in the same family, one man has to outsmart it to stay alive.

Believing his father brought an ancient Azerbaijani curse upon his family, an eccentric artist's plan to survive may be worse than the original curse.

This suggestion of Frank's (above) is v.good but (as with yours Kham) I'd omit the specific 'eccenttric artist' and go with the generic 'one man'.

David's is good too, just a little long imho.

...
Ooh, just came across dumplings named in honour of the Gurza.

http://www.visions.az/en/news/773/0616f0a3/

P.S. I'd use the word: killing, not murder in relation to the snake.





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LC  -  March 1st, 2019, 6:09pm
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khamanna
Posted: March 1st, 2019, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, guys for your help. I actually think these are fantastic. I'll use one of yours. But great job, I'm impressed. Now, why didn't I think of that. It's hard to choose between Frank's and Libby's. I'll read and reread before I send one to Don for the update. Thank you!

David, great job, cause you haven't read it and you came close as well. But yeah, it's a little off for that reason too. Still, interesting how you managed. Thanks for your offer to read it.
I actually did rewrite or did something that I would call a rewrite. So, I'm looking for reads.

Libby, and these are seriously delicious. You can get them in Baku.
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Philostrate
Posted: March 1st, 2019, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
Thanks, guys for your help. I actually think these are fantastic. I'll use one of yours. But great job, I'm impressed. Now, why didn't I think of that. It's hard to choose between Frank's and Libby's. I'll read and reread before I send one to Don for the update. Thank you!

David, great job, cause you haven't read it and you came close as well. But yeah, it's a little off for that reason too. Still, interesting how you managed. Thanks for your offer to read it.
I actually did rewrite or did something that I would call a rewrite. So, I'm looking for reads.

Libby, and these are seriously delicious. You can get them in Baku.


No prob, Kham. Glad I managed to write something that, at least, makes sense. Wasn't sure.

Is the rewrite up?




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khamanna
Posted: March 1st, 2019, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, David, that's the final version. It's a dropbox file, I update as I go
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Philostrate
Posted: March 1st, 2019, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
Yes, David, that's the final version. It's a dropbox file, I update as I go

Cool. Count me in.


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GM
Posted: March 2nd, 2019, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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Taking a stab at it. Not sure if it�s too late. Will read the rewrite. I have so much to catch up on in reading lol.

Longline - A artist has to outsmart an ancient Gurza snake myth to stay alive.

The others were too specific. I think you should be a bit general to bait the reader into reading it.  

Gabe
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